Consequences causing depression?

[Anonymous]

DD 15 who has always been a great student didn’t do very well last quarter. Mostly C-s & B-s which is unheard of for her, a mostly A student. The worst part is she doesn’t seem to care. We moved and she’s in a new school this year and maybe the new peer circle isn’t as driven as the last? She is also not as happy this year overall as is typical for her but not full blown depression mode. I am debating private school but that’s not the reason for my post.

I’ve told her that hangouts are limited until grades improve. Pretty simple. Problem is she has now gone into what seems like full on depression. It makes me feel like I want to just let up, but then I think that I can’t allow her current grades and attitude to be okay. This could be a way to punish me for not getting what she wants but it feels scarily low and blue. I’m not sure what to do next. Has anyone gone through something like this?

[Anonymous]

If she’s already prone to depression, why did you limit hangouts as a consequence? Do something else like take away phone for x days or no allowance, or no ordering take out. Also, why not find out what is causing the drop aIn grades and try to address that, not just order her to pick up her grades?

[Anonymous]

Maybe the depression came first, which triggered the lower grades. Ask her if she wants to talk to a therapist.

Talk to her and come up with solutions together to raising her grades.

[Anonymous]

You need to dig in and meet with teachers to find out about school work. Hangouts are unlikely to be related. Don’t socially isolate your child (who just moved!!) and then wonder why she’s depressed. You can’t punish your way to academic achievement. Think connection over correction. Your poor kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD 15 who has always been a great student didn’t do very well last quarter. Mostly C-s & B-s which is unheard of for her, a mostly A student. The worst part is she doesn’t seem to care. We moved and she’s in a new school this year and maybe the new peer circle isn’t as driven as the last? She is also not as happy this year overall as is typical for her but not full blown depression mode. I am debating private school but that’s not the reason for my post.

I’ve told her that hangouts are limited until grades improve. Pretty simple. Problem is she has now gone into what seems like full on depression. It makes me feel like I want to just let up, but then I think that I can’t allow her current grades and attitude to be okay. This could be a way to punish me for not getting what she wants but it feels scarily low and blue. I’m not sure what to do next. Has anyone gone through something like this?

You completely upended her life and are now punishing her for being depressed that her life was upended through no fault of her own.

Definitely double down by removing/limiting the social interaction of the few friends she has made. Of course she is depressed. JFC.

[Anonymous]

She's clearly already depressed. What has she said about her grades? Maybe that's already overwhelming her and she doesn't know how to fix it, and you punishing her for it (implying that she could just magically fix them if she wanted to) is making her feel more hopeless.

[Anonymous]

She’s not prone to depression. This year has been bumpy with the new school. It may all come down to this. And of course we’ve had many talks, effort to help, scheduling help, and so forth. I was sparing the details. The punishment is the last effort after months. There was also a heads up that this would be coming since she refused to make other changes and said she had it under control.

[Anonymous]

I’m f she’s in a new school maybe her grades there are equivalent to her higher grades in her previous school. I feel like you jumped to a lot of conclusions (ie, her lower grades are her fault) without even considering what might be playing into it.

There are new friends, harder classes that she may that not be able to handle as well as previous classes, harder grading, need for additional supports, missing her old life. I could keep going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m f she’s in a new school maybe her grades there are equivalent to her higher grades in her previous school. I feel like you jumped to a lot of conclusions (ie, her lower grades are her fault) without even considering what might be playing into it.

There are new friends, harder classes that she may that not be able to handle as well as previous classes, harder grading, need for additional supports, missing her old life. I could keep going.

100% agree here. So what’s the solution?

[Anonymous]

Hi Op, have you add tutoring to support school work?

It is difficult to make new friends in H.S., is she in clubs, sports? I wouldn't care too much about Cs or B as long as she is trying.

If you go through private, can she pick the school? That could be the push she needs right now.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to chill. You seem to be lacking empathy and I’m sure she picks up on that.

[Anonymous]

Does she show any signs of inattentive ADHD? Our straight A student ended up with similar grades first quarter and we were super surprised (!!) but as we learned ADHD shows up differently in girls than boys. Does she have any other issues with keeping her room, clean, forgetting things, procrastinating?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s not prone to depression. This year has been bumpy with the new school. It may all come down to this. And of course we’ve had many talks, effort to help, scheduling help, and so forth. I was sparing the details. The punishment is the last effort after months. There was also a heads up that this would be coming since she refused to make other changes and said she had it under control.

So what did she say was her reason for having low grades? Do you sense she is trying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m f she’s in a new school maybe her grades there are equivalent to her higher grades in her previous school. I feel like you jumped to a lot of conclusions (ie, her lower grades are her fault) without even considering what might be playing into it.

There are new friends, harder classes that she may that not be able to handle as well as previous classes, harder grading, need for additional supports, missing her old life. I could keep going.

100% agree here. So what’s the solution?

NP here but part of it may be that you need to adjust your expectations that she’s an A student. Sophomore year is often when HS gets real. Offer to help/support, but be ready to love and support the kid you have not the one you wish you had.

[Anonymous]

OP, has she been tested? Some kids with this profile turn out to have innatentive ADHD they were able to mask for years when academic demands are smaller.

The only way I would use no hangouts as a consequence for bad grades is if were the hangouts that were causing the bad grades.

I think you should keep collaborating with her to look for solutions. I wouldn’t pay too much attention to her saying she’ll do it on her own (since you tried that) and all too often people either can’t or don’t know how to follow through (and that can look a lot like “refusal” and “not caring”). Figure out why the bad grades, then you can plan how to fix it.

Anonymous wrote:She’s not prone to depression. This year has been bumpy with the new school. It may all come down to this. And of course we’ve had many talks, effort to help, scheduling help, and so forth. I was sparing the details. The punishment is the last effort after months. There was also a heads up that this would be coming since she refused to make other changes and said she had it under control.