Conversation with 12Y0 Son

[Anonymous]

Today I asked my 12YO son why he continues to get poor grades on school. He's been on punishment had computers, game systems, phones taken away.

I suggested maybe we switch schools or possibly move to homeschooling and he was completely against the idea of homeschooling because he says he doesn't want to leave his group of friends. He says they are the only people he can talk to-- the only people who have his back.

I said that's not true your Dad and I have your back and you can talk to us. He said you guys are always working and it feels like I'm annoying you. His Dad and I are not together and haven't been for the past 8 years. He says everything I'm at my Dad's house he's always stressed and working and every time I'm here at your house you're always stressed and working.

I told him that I'm not working all the time because I WANT to but because we have bills that need to be paid...housing food their clothes school supplies etc.

I told him that I don't want him to feel like he's a bother and I asked what can I do to fix things. He didn't really have any suggestions he just said I don't know.

I hate that my son feels this way and he's right he says you don't talk to me and my brother (10YO) is always in his room playing video games with his friends. He said I'm always alone unless I'm asking you for dinner or if I need something.

The sad truth is he's right. I've known this for a while but don't know how to fix. I got caught up in the rat race of life and don't know how to get out of the race and be there for my son.

What would you do in this situation?

[Anonymous]

Schedule intentional time out of the house with him. If you're at home, you'll get caught up in your work phone and he'll be distracted by video games, despite everyone's best intentions. Make plans to get out somewhere for 30-60 minutes every day that he's with you, even if it's just walking around the neighborhood or going for a drive out to get ice cream. Everyone leaves their phones behind.

You got this, OP. Kudos to your kid for being open about how he felt. That's a good start, many 12 year olds would just clam up. So take some comfort in that, just talking about it is a good start.

[Anonymous]

It’s pretty simple, you have to actually spend time with them when they are with you.

[Anonymous]

I have a 12 year old son too and a pretty stressful job where I work a lot. But I prioritize spending time with DS and his 15 yo brother. This past week, I took the 12 yo camping with cousins. We spent the time in the car talking about fishing; I had no interest in fishing 12 years ago, but it’s something he loves so now something I happily engage in (talking about fishing, taking him fishing, following random fishing pages on social media so I can show him random interesting posts). Wednesday, our one free evening, I played wiffle ball with him in the yard for 40 minutes even though it was the last thing I felt like doing. And I spent last night at his baseball game even though I’d had a ridiculously long week, could have used the time for myself, and could have just sent his dad solo. We have a family dinner most nights and talk about their friends. I do little things for him that show I’m paying attention, like buy ingredients for him (or me) to make his favorite cookies.

That’s all not to brag, but to give examples of how you could be engaging with at 12 year old boy and showing him you have his back. What is he interested in? Start learning about it and engaging, even if you really have no interest in fortnight or whatever. Figure ways to interact that aren’t about his grades or what he’s doing wrong but are about embracing the person he is.

I also make a point to take 100% of my vacation time and plan real family trips where the focus is being present with my boys.

[Anonymous]

^ also, 12 is old enough to have frank conversations. Tell him you’ve been thinking about what he said, and think he’s right - you’ve let your focus on working to support the family distract you from what’s most important - spending time with your family and enjoying the awesome little person he is. You do have his back and want to make that clear to him, and so will be making some changes. Figure out what those can be (closing the computer between 5:30 and 9?) and be true to your word. Demonstrating that you heard him and are acting on what he said is the perfect way right now to show that you really do have his back - and helps model that we all make mistakes but can come back and recover from them (a good analogy for what you want him to do with his grades)

[Anonymous]

If you art split custody, can you work more when he's not there and less when he is there? Are you working on the weekends? I think you are using work as an excuse. I wake up at 600 to be up with my son as he catches the bus. We are not usually talking a lot and we each play our own roles in the morning, but we are together side by side. We talk every day; time in the car is especially good. I show up at his games, recitals, music performances, we go to concerts, etc. Twelve is approaching adulthood; you have six years before they leave the house. Make them count. And spend time with your 10 yo too.

[Anonymous]

I just want to say that the fact he felt safe enough to tell you that means you are doing something right and do have a good connection. Can you start with a nightly walk after dinner? Find a shoe to watch? Barbecue?

[Anonymous]

Op here thank you to everyone for the wonderful responses. I found them so heart warming and they literally made me cry. To the person who said work is an excuse. I am genuinely working and I have a demanding job. I do think the problem lies with how I spend my time after work. After so much work interaction I need tine to decompress. I'm an introvert and naturally prefer being alone so afterwork I take alone time to prepare dinner, do chores, or sometimes just lay in bed in the dark and listen to calming music. I just need quiet time without any stimulation to recharge. To be clear I'm not making excuses just mentioning thus in case there are other introverts out there who might have some tips about how to juggle all this human interaction between work and family I just find my self so exhausted. There are no excuses though I am taking a long hard look in the mirror and I need to do better. I want to do better because my children deserve it.