Parent input on trans name

[Anonymous]

My 13 yo child came out as non-binary, and picked a name this past January (2024). I really hated the name because it was the name of a girl who bullied me in highschool, it sounded very similar to one of their sibling’s names, and had a very preteen vibe to it (very hippyish and not very adult sounding). Ironically, we have since found out that a person with their new name (new first name + existing last name) is on the tsa no fly list and has been convicted of multiple felonies, so I have convinced them to pick a new name.

Would it be out of the question for me to ask for input into the new name? I’d really like them to pick something that is derived from their birth name so if they are in a situation where they don’t want to come out as trans then they don’t have to. They wont change their name legally until they are legal adults. I was going to suggest that they pick something derived from either their existing first or middle name, and then change it after highschool if they don’t like it.

We have been really supportive of everything for my child, so I really don’t feel like this is too much to ask.

[Anonymous]

You sound very sweet and kind. Yes, I would talk about it, approaching it delicately. I would state your reasons, especially the no-fly thing. You may or may not be able to change their mind, but talking about it may help you with it emotionally. They may change their mind; I know my daughter had more than one idea. You could talk about how this is a choice for a long time and to be sure they like it l.

Also, I had really liked the name I gave my child and mourned the change for several years. Last year I helped her change her name and am okay with it now. I mention it because I think there is a big emotional connection to the names we choose. I wouldn't have chosen her new name, but it is a beautiful name and since she's used it for a few years now, I'm used to it.

[Anonymous]

You are their parent, they are a minor, and you are 100% allowed to suggest names and try to cajole them into it. No forcing, obviously. I had a list of names I liked for my kids, so I would mentally run down that list again, and suggest gender-appropriate options close to those.

[Anonymous]

I think you're nuts. This is about them, not you. I think the most you could do is say "Give me one or two options that you'd be totally fine with and can I pick from those?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you're nuts. This is about them, not you. I think the most you could do is say "Give me one or two options that you'd be totally fine with and can I pick from those?"

Very backward.

[Anonymous]

I would find something and stick with it, changing your name again later feel like it changes your identity (that’s the point of this one, right?) I don’t think you should insist it’s linked to a current name but I would try to help them find something you all like.

[Anonymous]

I think asking them to choose something that sounds like their birth name might actually be really painful for them? My niece had a gender neutral name and when she came out her mother told her they were going to name her [birth nane] regardless of gender (although different middle name). My niece still wanted to choose a new name because she associated her birth name with gender dysphoria and maleness even though it’s gender neutral. So just something to keep in mind.

[Anonymous]

I would wait it out. My NB kid is on her third new name. They’ve gotten better each time.

[Anonymous]

13?

[Anonymous]

Trans woman here...I would say yes you should talk to your child about their new name. A lot of people do want their parents to provide input into the new name they choose. Everyone I know also kept their original last name when they made their legal name change with the exception of people that were completely estranged from their families.

Some NB people will go with some common names like Alex, Robin, or Jordan while others explicitly choose a name that's less common and outright sounds nonbinary. There's also the middle name to consider. If someone in your (or your partner's) family has an androgynous or unisex name and you were fond of that person, it might be a good idea to ask your child to consider the name (or names) or a variation of it.

I agree with the person that said many people do end up choosing a different name later. Several people I know did change their name a few times (and these were adults) before settling on their final name. One person I know picked a name she liked but then later learned that it was a common stereotypical trans name. She later chose a family name that had a lot of meaning to her. Others picked names early in transition while they were still exploring their queer identities that really kind of stuck out when said out loud to only later realized they didn't actually want attention when someone just said their name.

You're an adult and can provide some good feedback in terms of what would be good name combinations but ultimately they can choose to go with whatever name they want. By the time they're 18 and ready to change their legal name, they may very well have reconsidered if they choose something unusual for now.

[Anonymous]

It is a personal decision

[Anonymous]

Input, yes. Control, no.

DS chose his name, and it sounds similar to a derivative of his birth name. At first I didn’t love it because I loved his birth name and it was hard for me to say something so similar and not slip and say the wrong name. He was patient and eventually I adjusted.

I think the name being on the no fly list or knowing someone with a similar name is not a good reason if your child doesn’t mind those things. Your post sounds like you’re upset that the name you chose was rejected and you’re trying to keep control of the name. I get it. We put a lot of thought and care into the names we give our children. However, there are a lot of reasons our kids might not use those names, and we don’t get to control all the other nicknames, so this isn’t really different. What if you pick the new name and then someone with the same name winds up on the no fly list (so many people are on the no fly list), or is the next school shooter? Are you going to insist they let you rename them again? Would you do the same to your other child?

A lot of times when people are trying to control things it’s because they’re anxious. Is it possible you’re anxious about how people will perceive your child (and you vicariously) for being NB and if you pick the perfect name you think maybe people won’t notice or question it as much? If that’s the case, do you think that’s the best way to deal with your anxiety or to handle your child’s name?

[Anonymous]

Non binary and trans are not the same thing. Is there a reason you are conflating them, OP?

[Anonymous]

Lots of adults have "hippie" names. In certain circles you need one to fit in.

[Anonymous]

It's your kid's decision what to call themselves. You can call your kid "honey".

Get therapy for your PTSD from your childhood bully.