Managing your divorce attorney?

[Anonymous]

Do you have suggestions for ways (in hindsight/based on real life experience) that you wish you had better managed the divorce process or divorce attorney?

The attorney works for you and yet they are the expert. With this said, how might you have been smarter and more savvy during your divorce process with a retained attorney? How might you have managed the attorney rather than them managing you--in terms of the ways things were done, hours and money spent?

Any actual divorce attorney's who have suggestions?

I have a friend who borrowed and spent $100,000 during their divorce (they were the defendant) only to end the process no further ahead than if they had just signed the initial documents presented by their ex.

TIA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have suggestions for ways (in hindsight/based on real life experience) that you wish you had better managed the divorce process or divorce attorney?

The attorney works for you and yet they are the expert. With this said, how might you have been smarter and more savvy during your divorce process with a retained attorney? How might you have managed the attorney rather than them managing you--in terms of the ways things were done, hours and money spent?

Any actual divorce attorney's who have suggestions?

I have a friend who borrowed and spent $100,000 during their divorce (they were the defendant) only to end the process no further ahead than if they had just signed the initial documents presented by their ex.

TIA

Was the defendant female? Was it a case of where she didn’t work and thought she cokes squeeze more?

[Anonymous]

^could

[Anonymous]

My attorney got offended when I cut her rambling short. Don't need empathy, thanks, I'm on the clock.

[Anonymous]

1. Be realistic in your expectations. Interview several attorneys, but don’t pick the one that promises you the most - remember, the longer you fight, the more they will get.
2. Don’t let yourself to be egged on by your attorney. When my husband and I were divorcing, we pretty much agreed on how we are splitting everything (after some negotiation), and hired attorneys just to look it over, draft and review the documents and generally make sure all things are covered. Of course, the moment they met us, separately, each said “you could have gotten more!”. Which logically can’t be true.

In the cases like your friend when someone spends lots of money and ends up in the same place it’s usually because one side gave a very reasonable offer, but the other was delusional in their expectations.

[Anonymous]

try to do the child care agreement with a mediator, not an attorney.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Be realistic in your expectations. Interview several attorneys, but don’t pick the one that promises you the most - remember, the longer you fight, the more they will get.
2. Don’t let yourself to be egged on by your attorney. When my husband and I were divorcing, we pretty much agreed on how we are splitting everything (after some negotiation), and hired attorneys just to look it over, draft and review the documents and generally make sure all things are covered. Of course, the moment they met us, separately, each said “you could have gotten more!”. Which logically can’t be true.

In the cases like your friend when someone spends lots of money and ends up in the same place it’s usually because one side gave a very reasonable offer, but the other was delusional in their expectations.

This is my concern. For example, one suggested writing a proposal agreement to spouse who already ignored a proposal agreement a few years ago. Why write another, hoping for what? The one who wrote the initial proposal just spent my money with not much to show for it. I think I need to trust someone, because the person I am attempting to divorce has personality and character challenges that include (on the more innocuous behaviors) being passive aggressive and stonewalling.

My friend was very emotional and unfortunately used the attorney as a therapist hoping spouse would come to their senses and reconcile (which was a pipe dream).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you have suggestions for ways (in hindsight/based on real life experience) that you wish you had better managed the divorce process or divorce attorney?

The attorney works for you and yet they are the expert. With this said, how might you have been smarter and more savvy during your divorce process with a retained attorney? How might you have managed the attorney rather than them managing you--in terms of the ways things were done, hours and money spent?

Any actual divorce attorney's who have suggestions?

I have a friend who borrowed and spent $100,000 during their divorce (they were the defendant) only to end the process no further ahead than if they had just signed the initial documents presented by their ex.

TIA

The story of your friend is precisely why I advise people not to use attorneys except to review documents done in mediation and file for the divorce, but do not use them from the beginning because usually people will end up fighting and get the same amount at the end then if they had just agreed upfront. Agreed to 50-50 of everything everything and call it a day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:try to do the child care agreement with a mediator, not an attorney.

Do all of it in mediation and just have an attorney review at the end on an hourly basis to make sure you’re not getting screwed. That is the best way.

-divorced (from an attorney)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Be realistic in your expectations. Interview several attorneys, but don’t pick the one that promises you the most - remember, the longer you fight, the more they will get.
2. Don’t let yourself to be egged on by your attorney. When my husband and I were divorcing, we pretty much agreed on how we are splitting everything (after some negotiation), and hired attorneys just to look it over, draft and review the documents and generally make sure all things are covered. Of course, the moment they met us, separately, each said “you could have gotten more!”. Which logically can’t be true.

In the cases like your friend when someone spends lots of money and ends up in the same place it’s usually because one side gave a very reasonable offer, but the other was delusional in their expectations.

This is my concern. For example, one suggested writing a proposal agreement to spouse who already ignored a proposal agreement a few years ago. Why write another, hoping for what? The one who wrote the initial proposal just spent my money with not much to show for it. I think I need to trust someone, because the person I am attempting to divorce has personality and character challenges that include (on the more innocuous behaviors) being passive aggressive and stonewalling.

My friend was very emotional and unfortunately used the attorney as a therapist hoping spouse would come to their senses and reconcile (which was a pipe dream).

You need to take the time to ask your prospective attorney how they will handle every step, and let them know your goals. They should be able to answer what to do about stonewalling.

An initial proposal is a kind of unavoidable step though. You can’t really step out of the gate with a lawsuit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have suggestions for ways (in hindsight/based on real life experience) that you wish you had better managed the divorce process or divorce attorney?

The attorney works for you and yet they are the expert. With this said, how might you have been smarter and more savvy during your divorce process with a retained attorney? How might you have managed the attorney rather than them managing you--in terms of the ways things were done, hours and money spent?

Any actual divorce attorney's who have suggestions?

I have a friend who borrowed and spent $100,000 during their divorce (they were the defendant) only to end the process no further ahead than if they had just signed the initial documents presented by their ex.

TIA

The story of your friend is precisely why I advise people not to use attorneys except to review documents done in mediation and file for the divorce, but do not use them from the beginning because usually people will end up fighting and get the same amount at the end then if they had just agreed upfront. Agreed to 50-50 of everything everything and call it a day.

Do you recommend using a mediator that specializes in divorce or just any mediator? The problem is that you do need to have some idea of what you need to negotiate over, how to do complicated things like selling or buying out property.

We worked with two “collaborative divorce” mediators. One was quite good at helping us come to some agreed upon rules for conversation, and guiding us about the decisions that needed to be made. The other was AWFUL and tried to question the custody agreement we had already come up with ourselves, drafted a piece of sh*t document that looked nothing like an agreement, and got all offended when I wanted to power through all of the decision points after my ex suddenly announced he was moving out. I guess she expected more discussion of feelings when I just wanted to do the deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have suggestions for ways (in hindsight/based on real life experience) that you wish you had better managed the divorce process or divorce attorney?

The attorney works for you and yet they are the expert. With this said, how might you have been smarter and more savvy during your divorce process with a retained attorney? How might you have managed the attorney rather than them managing you--in terms of the ways things were done, hours and money spent?

Any actual divorce attorney's who have suggestions?

I have a friend who borrowed and spent $100,000 during their divorce (they were the defendant) only to end the process no further ahead than if they had just signed the initial documents presented by their ex.

TIA

The story of your friend is precisely why I advise people not to use attorneys except to review documents done in mediation and file for the divorce, but do not use them from the beginning because usually people will end up fighting and get the same amount at the end then if they had just agreed upfront. Agreed to 50-50 of everything everything and call it a day.

Do you recommend using a mediator that specializes in divorce or just any mediator? The problem is that you do need to have some idea of what you need to negotiate over, how to do complicated things like selling or buying out property.

We worked with two “collaborative divorce” mediators. One was quite good at helping us come to some agreed upon rules for conversation, and guiding us about the decisions that needed to be made. The other was AWFUL and tried to question the custody agreement we had already come up with ourselves, drafted a piece of sh*t document that looked nothing like an agreement, and got all offended when I wanted to power through all of the decision points after my ex suddenly announced he was moving out. I guess she expected more discussion of feelings when I just wanted to do the deal.

PP why are you jumping into this conversation in a way that makes it look like you’re the OP? Annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have suggestions for ways (in hindsight/based on real life experience) that you wish you had better managed the divorce process or divorce attorney?

The attorney works for you and yet they are the expert. With this said, how might you have been smarter and more savvy during your divorce process with a retained attorney? How might you have managed the attorney rather than them managing you--in terms of the ways things were done, hours and money spent?

Any actual divorce attorney's who have suggestions?

I have a friend who borrowed and spent $100,000 during their divorce (they were the defendant) only to end the process no further ahead than if they had just signed the initial documents presented by their ex.

TIA

The story of your friend is precisely why I advise people not to use attorneys except to review documents done in mediation and file for the divorce, but do not use them from the beginning because usually people will end up fighting and get the same amount at the end then if they had just agreed upfront. Agreed to 50-50 of everything everything and call it a day.

Do you recommend using a mediator that specializes in divorce or just any mediator? The problem is that you do need to have some idea of what you need to negotiate over, how to do complicated things like selling or buying out property.

We worked with two “collaborative divorce” mediators. One was quite good at helping us come to some agreed upon rules for conversation, and guiding us about the decisions that needed to be made. The other was AWFUL and tried to question the custody agreement we had already come up with ourselves, drafted a piece of sh*t document that looked nothing like an agreement, and got all offended when I wanted to power through all of the decision points after my ex suddenly announced he was moving out. I guess she expected more discussion of feelings when I just wanted to do the deal.

You can hire a mediator who is also a divorce attorney but you hire them to do mediation —and that’s the best person to hire. Then you each hire your own attorneys to review the agreement before you sign it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Be realistic in your expectations. Interview several attorneys, but don’t pick the one that promises you the most - remember, the longer you fight, the more they will get.
2. Don’t let yourself to be egged on by your attorney. When my husband and I were divorcing, we pretty much agreed on how we are splitting everything (after some negotiation), and hired attorneys just to look it over, draft and review the documents and generally make sure all things are covered. Of course, the moment they met us, separately, each said “you could have gotten more!”. Which logically can’t be true.

In the cases like your friend when someone spends lots of money and ends up in the same place it’s usually because one side gave a very reasonable offer, but the other was delusional in their expectations.

This is my concern. For example, one suggested writing a proposal agreement to spouse who already ignored a proposal agreement a few years ago. Why write another, hoping for what? The one who wrote the initial proposal just spent my money with not much to show for it. I think I need to trust someone, because the person I am attempting to divorce has personality and character challenges that include (on the more innocuous behaviors) being passive aggressive and stonewalling.

My friend was very emotional and unfortunately used the attorney as a therapist hoping spouse would come to their senses and reconcile (which was a pipe dream).

You need to take the time to ask your prospective attorney how they will handle every step, and let them know your goals. They should be able to answer what to do about stonewalling.

An initial proposal is a kind of unavoidable step though. You can’t really step out of the gate with a lawsuit.

OP here. I have no idea how an attorney would answer this given the person I am divorcing is a wild card right? Help me understand what you mean? I want to understand. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Is it true that joint legal and physical custody is only possible if both sides agree? Namely if one side is hell bent on their positions then the judge will award sole physical/legal custody to one party only....