Married to an indecisive person

[Anonymous]

My wife is incredibly indecisive that it drives me wild - obviously not enough since I married her! It’s still one of my least favorite qualities of hers. She takes forever to make decisions and changes her mind often. It’s so draining sometimes. She has many endearing and amazing qualities so I overlook it, but I wish she could be more concise. It’s become more of a problem as she leaves all the big decisions to me and the weight of the decisions falls exclusively on me. No question - just a vent.

[Anonymous]

Then you get to decide. You say she's letting you decide. Embrace it.

[Anonymous]

Does she know this about herself?

Is she willing to work on it?

What's the harm in taking a few extra minutes to find the perfec--

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she know this about herself?

Is she willing to work on it?

What's the harm in taking a few extra minutes to find the perfec--

OP here. She knows it and hasn’t done anything to improve it.

It’s very draining having all the big and small decisions put on me.

It’s not minutes - she took over 6 months to pick a laptop between two that were nearly identical. Constantly going back and forth and asking me which one to choose. This is only one of the many examples.

[Anonymous]

Ohh OP, I can be like your wife in certain situations (couldn’t even decide on a name for our last DC until he was 2 days old). It is not enjoyable being indecisive. I can’t begin to tell you how much I appreciate my DH’s patience, hopefully your wife feels the same!

[Anonymous]

Divorce.

[Anonymous]

It can be related to OCD and anxiety. Ruminating thoughts and a dread of choosing wrong.

[Anonymous]

She needs therapy. Do not have children with her. It will only get worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she know this about herself?

Is she willing to work on it?

What's the harm in taking a few extra minutes to find the perfec--

This is more easily fixed if you both formulate a Decision Making Process and buy into it.

Ex. Need two new doors for the front of the house.

Process:
Ask around for references.
Collect 3 bids.
Pick best value bid or best style match product.
Sign up.
Monitor quality control and correspondence

Ex need a summer vacation

Process:
Decide on type of trip - city, nature, culture, adventure, family visits, beach, mountain etc all inclusive or not?
Decide lodging, price out zen and read reviews. or hotel or resort or airbnb
Book flights and lodging
Each of you and kids Decide on top 3 things to do, have some rainy day and nice day things. Book things that sell out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she know this about herself?

Is she willing to work on it?

What's the harm in taking a few extra minutes to find the perfec--

OP here. She knows it and hasn’t done anything to improve it.

It’s very draining having all the big and small decisions put on me.

It’s not minutes - she took over 6 months to pick a laptop between two that were nearly identical. Constantly going back and forth and asking me which one to choose. This is only one of the many examples.

So then tell her the pros and cons and that she should pick based on how she personally weights those.
Or have her make that list.

It’s Ok if she wants to bounces ideas or points off of you. just respond

It’s not ok if she doesn’t look into anything and just freezes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife is incredibly indecisive that it drives me wild - obviously not enough since I married her! It’s still one of my least favorite qualities of hers. She takes forever to make decisions and changes her mind often. It’s so draining sometimes. She has many endearing and amazing qualities so I overlook it, but I wish she could be more concise. It’s become more of a problem as she leaves all the big decisions to me and the weight of the decisions falls exclusively on me. No question - just a vent.

Have a similar “indecisive” spouse who hates interacting with people so never gets informed.

They quickly and flippantly choose things, buy things, “decide” things, because the responsibility gives them great angst and they have no thought process to deciding. They want it off their plate, fast. Money is no object. They often get hoodwinked too.

Unfortunately they often have to return things and get the right one. It often takes then two, three, four tries to get the right part or solution or item booked.

Not good! No patience! Same when assembling oncoming something- just ramrod ahead, make a mess, and do it incorrectly.

Have your wife try anti-anxiety pills. And support her decisions when she makes them.

[Anonymous]

Agree with "support her decisions when she makes them"!!!

As an indecisive person, it's gotten worse when my spouse tells me to choose and then I do and then they criticize my choice. So I ask if we can make certain specific decisions together. "No, it doesn't really matter to me."

But then I have to hear all the problems with my choice. One that they opted out of! It's paralyzing because I feel like I can't win and the next decision takes twice as long because I'm trying to please these amorphous unspoken expectations.

Either participate in the decision making or butt out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with "support her decisions when she makes them"!!!

As an indecisive person, it's gotten worse when my spouse tells me to choose and then I do and then they criticize my choice. So I ask if we can make certain specific decisions together. "No, it doesn't really matter to me."

But then I have to hear all the problems with my choice. One that they opted out of! It's paralyzing because I feel like I can't win and the next decision takes twice as long because I'm trying to please these amorphous unspoken expectations.

Either participate in the decision making or butt out.

What do you think made you this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with "support her decisions when she makes them"!!!

As an indecisive person, it's gotten worse when my spouse tells me to choose and then I do and then they criticize my choice. So I ask if we can make certain specific decisions together. "No, it doesn't really matter to me."

But then I have to hear all the problems with my choice. One that they opted out of! It's paralyzing because I feel like I can't win and the next decision takes twice as long because I'm trying to please these amorphous unspoken expectations.

Either participate in the decision making or butt out.

What do you think made you this way?

Perfectionism, being hard on myself when I don't get things "right." I suppose anxiety is behind that since the pressure is internal. I can trace anxiety up my family tree. Plus growing up poor, so decisions involving spending money come with extra baggage, including guilt over spending money on things that aren't absolutely necessary and having had so many years where if I made a poor spending decision I would just be stuck with whatever I chose since there wasn't money for a second purchase. Like shoes, we had to buy them a little big with room to grow into them, and if I picked a pair that ended up being uncomfortable, I was just out of luck for the next year plus. I can imagine that with lots of money I would not have even thought twice about shoes. Without extra money, each decision was a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Be careful with making all decisions. My husband used it against me later saying he never got to make a decision and filed for divorce when in fact he couldn’t manage his way out of a paper bag.
Lovingly Send her to therapy for anxiety and indecision and tell her to start making small decisions and build up to bigger ones.
They become too reliant on us to fix all their problems