DD is giving me the silent treatment

[Anonymous]

DD, 16, often complains about the way she looks. Every day, she calls herself ugly, fat, disgusting, etc. I think she’s beautiful, obviously, but she’s not “conventionally attractive” and that really seems to bug her. I’ve never been one for nice clothes or makeup, but I want her to be happy so I’ve supplied her with these things over the past couple of years. Still, this doesn’t seem to help. I constantly reassure her that looks aren’t the most important thing about her and that she is beautiful despite beauty standards, but she calls me a liar and says I’m just saying what she wants to hear.

Yesterday, DD was yelling at me after I refused to buy her a *very* expensive makeup product, and said that it was my fault she was ugly. I said something I now really regret, basically along the lines of: “It’s not my job to make you look nice. If you think you’re fat, loose weight. If you don’t like your hair, change it. I think you are beautiful, but if you hate yourself so much, do something about it.”

Since then, I’ve said how sorry I am and that I take back everything I said. However, she is giving me the silent treatment and refused to go to school today.

I feel horrible and disgusted with myself. How can I fix this?

[Anonymous]

I actually wouldn't feel bad about that. It's realistic and fair. I don't think you should feel horrible OR disgusted with yourself, nor do I think you should buy her super expensive makeup. She's 16 - this is what part time jobs are for!

You don't have to fix this. Silent treatments are immature. She will get over it when she needs something else from you. Food, a ride, to find something she's lost, money, info, etc.

[Anonymous]

I would write her a note. Something along the lines of “I understand you are angry at me. However, Calling me a liar, yelling at me, and demanding expensive beauty products is not the way to communicate with me. I am human too and sometimes what you say hurts my feelings. Let’s work through this. If you want beauty products you can work to earn money for them. I’ll give you a budget for x/month and anything more than that is on you. I think you are beautiful. I always have and I always will. That will never change. What will change is how we communicate with each other. Let me know what you need from me in terms of communication.”

If you hate scripts, feel free to ignore

Fwiw sometimes my 16dd and I text or email each other when we are upset and that’s easier than the yelling in person because we can think/edit our answers before sending

[Anonymous]

I’m the note pp. I will add that once this blows over and things are calm you should talk to her about silent treatments and how they are manipulative and can be seen as abusive. Tell her that as she grows she need to practice being able to talk through things instead of going silent. She can ask for space to process, but using silence as a tool is not kind and if she uses it in her future friendships/relationships, things can go really badly. Again…not now. But when she’s in a better place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the note pp. I will add that once this blows over and things are calm you should talk to her about silent treatments and how they are manipulative and can be seen as abusive. Tell her that as she grows she need to practice being able to talk through things instead of going silent. She can ask for space to process, but using silence as a tool is not kind and if she uses it in her future friendships/relationships, things can go really badly. Again…not now. But when she’s in a better place.

I'm 12:54 and approve the bolded message.

[Anonymous]

Agree with note person very much

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the note pp. I will add that once this blows over and things are calm you should talk to her about silent treatments and how they are manipulative and can be seen as abusive. Tell her that as she grows she need to practice being able to talk through things instead of going silent. She can ask for space to process, but using silence as a tool is not kind and if she uses it in her future friendships/relationships, things can go really badly. Again…not now. But when she’s in a better place.

I'm 12:54 and approve the bolded message.

Silent treatments are better than screaming matches!

[Anonymous]

I recommend you don't engage with DD on her appearance at all. Just keep telling her you love her, that you will support her, and that there is xx in budget (or whatever the limit is) on beauty products.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the note pp. I will add that once this blows over and things are calm you should talk to her about silent treatments and how they are manipulative and can be seen as abusive. Tell her that as she grows she need to practice being able to talk through things instead of going silent. She can ask for space to process, but using silence as a tool is not kind and if she uses it in her future friendships/relationships, things can go really badly. Again…not now. But when she’s in a better place.

I'm 12:54 and approve the bolded message.

Silent treatments are better than screaming matches!

Not always. And I can be hopeful that this mom/dd can find a way to communicate that falls somewhere in the middle of those two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the note pp. I will add that once this blows over and things are calm you should talk to her about silent treatments and how they are manipulative and can be seen as abusive. Tell her that as she grows she need to practice being able to talk through things instead of going silent. She can ask for space to process, but using silence as a tool is not kind and if she uses it in her future friendships/relationships, things can go really badly. Again…not now. But when she’s in a better place.

I'm 12:54 and approve the bolded message.

Silent treatments are better than screaming matches!

They're not. They're a form of emotional abuse.

I don't think what you said is that terrible OP. In fact, sounds like it needed to be said. I don't know why you're beating yourself up.

[Anonymous]

Note PP covered all the bases.

[Anonymous]

Is it just me who thinks the DD could just be extremely hurt and not weaponizing silent treatment. Teen girls feel very deeply. What OP said is rational but it's also harsh. I bet the DD only heard the worst parts (you are fat). If she has body dysmorphia then she's probably twisting this in her mind as confirmation that her mother does find her fat and ugly that "do something about it" confirms that it's within her control and therefore a character flaw. (even though it is the opposite of what OP said). I would give her grace and not view this as a power play. OP apologized and I think just needs to give it time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the note pp. I will add that once this blows over and things are calm you should talk to her about silent treatments and how they are manipulative and can be seen as abusive. Tell her that as she grows she need to practice being able to talk through things instead of going silent. She can ask for space to process, but using silence as a tool is not kind and if she uses it in her future friendships/relationships, things can go really badly. Again…not now. But when she’s in a better place.

I'm 12:54 and approve the bolded message.

Silent treatments are better than screaming matches!

There is a big, big difference between stepping away in the heat of the moment to avoid a screaming match and the silent treatment for multiple hours/days.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me who thinks the DD could just be extremely hurt and not weaponizing silent treatment. Teen girls feel very deeply. What OP said is rational but it's also harsh. I bet the DD only heard the worst parts (you are fat). If she has body dysmorphia then she's probably twisting this in her mind as confirmation that her mother does find her fat and ugly that "do something about it" confirms that it's within her control and therefore a character flaw. (even though it is the opposite of what OP said). I would give her grace and not view this as a power play. OP apologized and I think just needs to give it time.

This makes sense. Insecurity can be crippling.

[Anonymous]

The thing is, you can't fix self esteem with makeup and weight loss. You just can't. So instead of just buying her things, you should be doing other things to boost her confidence.
This is common sense, I fear.