Make-or-break conversation timing

[Anonymous]

Long-distance BF and I have been dating a little over a year, and there’s been some strain in the relationship recently that we haven’t been able to really address over the phone. I’ll be flying to visit soon and believe we should use the opportunity to hash things out in person once and for all, but am unsure of timing. We’ve missed each other so much that I’d like to spend the first couple days simply enjoying being together; however, would it be in poor form to wait until the night before I leave to have a serious conversation that has make-or-break implications?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long-distance BF and I have been dating a little over a year, and there’s been some strain in the relationship recently that we haven’t been able to really address over the phone. I’ll be flying to visit soon and believe we should use the opportunity to hash things out in person once and for all, but am unsure of timing. We’ve missed each other so much that I’d like to spend the first couple days simply enjoying being together; however, would it be in poor form to wait until the night before I leave to have a serious conversation that has make-or-break implications?

I agree that your initial time w/your boyfriend should be happy (if possible❣️) time together.

You should definitely speak to him regarding the relationship however not a wise idea to wait for the night prior to your departure…..instead the best time would be a few days before you are set to leave.

[Anonymous]

Yes, that would be poor timing. You might not have a chance to finish the conversation. And he will feel like you’ve been sitting on this the whole time.

[Anonymous]

It should be the first thing on the agenda. Otherwise, you’re just manipulating him.

[Anonymous]

OP here, I appreciate the replies. Perhaps a good compromise may be to have the conversation within the first half of my visit but not the first day.

[Anonymous]

You need to discuss it upfront and be prepared to fly home early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It should be the first thing on the agenda. Otherwise, you’re just manipulating him.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I appreciate the replies. Perhaps a good compromise may be to have the conversation within the first half of my visit but not the first day.

Yeah, I agree with this. Depending on how long your trip is, I'd give it 24-48 hours to enjoy each other's company and get in a happy groove, then have the discussion, with plenty of time left (especially because you might want to go back to fun and then revisit as you've both had time to digest). That hopefully gives you at least 24-48 hours together post-conversation so you're not just dumping and running.

[Anonymous]

OP with an update. We had another argument yesterday, and I increasingly fear that our in-person conversation next weekend will result in “break” rather than “make.” I still think it’s worth going in the hope I’m wrong, but it seems prudent to 1) move the conversation up to first thing on the agenda and 2) buy an earlier, refundable ticket home. Do I tell him the latter, or just keep it in my back pocket?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. We had another argument yesterday, and I increasingly fear that our in-person conversation next weekend will result in “break” rather than “make.” I still think it’s worth going in the hope I’m wrong, but it seems prudent to 1) move the conversation up to first thing on the agenda and 2) buy an earlier, refundable ticket home. Do I tell him the latter, or just keep it in my back pocket?

It sounds like you're going there to break up with him.

What is the nature of the make or break? I think that matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. We had another argument yesterday, and I increasingly fear that our in-person conversation next weekend will result in “break” rather than “make.” I still think it’s worth going in the hope I’m wrong, but it seems prudent to 1) move the conversation up to first thing on the agenda and 2) buy an earlier, refundable ticket home. Do I tell him the latter, or just keep it in my back pocket?

Argument about what? Dating shouldn’t be THIS hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. We had another argument yesterday, and I increasingly fear that our in-person conversation next weekend will result in “break” rather than “make.” I still think it’s worth going in the hope I’m wrong, but it seems prudent to 1) move the conversation up to first thing on the agenda and 2) buy an earlier, refundable ticket home. Do I tell him the latter, or just keep it in my back pocket?

It sounds like you're going there to break up with him.

What is the nature of the make or break? I think that matters.

I feel that he asks more of me than he himself is willing to give in our relationship. I’m actually fine with either more or less, but believe it should be fair not one-sided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. We had another argument yesterday, and I increasingly fear that our in-person conversation next weekend will result in “break” rather than “make.” I still think it’s worth going in the hope I’m wrong, but it seems prudent to 1) move the conversation up to first thing on the agenda and 2) buy an earlier, refundable ticket home. Do I tell him the latter, or just keep it in my back pocket?

It sounds like you're going there to break up with him.

What is the nature of the make or break? I think that matters.

I feel that he asks more of me than he himself is willing to give in our relationship. I’m actually fine with either more or less, but believe it should be fair not one-sided.

I don't know how old you are, OP - and I don't know if I'd have listened to this same advice when I was young and dating: but just break up with the guy, and make yourself open to meet someone who will gladly be the partner you deserve. There will always be compromise and negotiation in relationships - and no one will be perfect. But now, before you're married - you're getting a sense of who he is and what he wants to give. And it's not enough.

I'd say if you need to do this in person instead of on the phone, fly there and tell him you are done. You can spend the weekend together if you still want to or not, whatever seems right to you. But don't keep yourself in limbo like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. We had another argument yesterday, and I increasingly fear that our in-person conversation next weekend will result in “break” rather than “make.” I still think it’s worth going in the hope I’m wrong, but it seems prudent to 1) move the conversation up to first thing on the agenda and 2) buy an earlier, refundable ticket home. Do I tell him the latter, or just keep it in my back pocket?

It sounds like you're going there to break up with him.

What is the nature of the make or break? I think that matters.

I feel that he asks more of me than he himself is willing to give in our relationship. I’m actually fine with either more or less, but believe it should be fair not one-sided.

I don't know how old you are, OP - and I don't know if I'd have listened to this same advice when I was young and dating: but just break up with the guy, and make yourself open to meet someone who will gladly be the partner you deserve. There will always be compromise and negotiation in relationships - and no one will be perfect. But now, before you're married - you're getting a sense of who he is and what he wants to give. And it's not enough.

I'd say if you need to do this in person instead of on the phone, fly there and tell him you are done. You can spend the weekend together if you still want to or not, whatever seems right to you. But don't keep yourself in limbo like this.

We’re both fairly young, but I hear you. I think I’d like to have a one last nice weekend together before amicably parting ways if we can’t get on the same page, but will of course respect his wishes if that doesn’t work for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP with an update. We had another argument yesterday, and I increasingly fear that our in-person conversation next weekend will result in “break” rather than “make.” I still think it’s worth going in the hope I’m wrong, but it seems prudent to 1) move the conversation up to first thing on the agenda and 2) buy an earlier, refundable ticket home. Do I tell him the latter, or just keep it in my back pocket?

It sounds like you're going there to break up with him.

What is the nature of the make or break? I think that matters.

I feel that he asks more of me than he himself is willing to give in our relationship. I’m actually fine with either more or less, but believe it should be fair not one-sided.

I don't know how old you are, OP - and I don't know if I'd have listened to this same advice when I was young and dating: but just break up with the guy, and make yourself open to meet someone who will gladly be the partner you deserve. There will always be compromise and negotiation in relationships - and no one will be perfect. But now, before you're married - you're getting a sense of who he is and what he wants to give. And it's not enough.

I'd say if you need to do this in person instead of on the phone, fly there and tell him you are done. You can spend the weekend together if you still want to or not, whatever seems right to you. But don't keep yourself in limbo like this.

We’re both fairly young, but I hear you. I think I’d like to have a one last nice weekend together before amicably parting ways if we can’t get on the same page, but will of course respect his wishes if that doesn’t work for him.

Sure why not (unless that makes him feel used). But also just beware of him making promises just to try to keep you. Again, not that I'd necessarily have listened to this advice when I was going through this myself, way back when. But talk is easy, and people who feel something slipping out of their grasp will say a lot to try to stop that from happening.