Has anyone left a family vacation/IL vacation?

[Anonymous]

Some bad dynamics have happened in the past, and after getting stronger and wiser in therapy, I’m poised to lead if and when I need to from a family vacation this summer.

Has anyone actually left if their family or their ILs have behaved badly/said something awful/fallen into toxic dynamics? If you did, how did it go? Did anything resolve or change?

[Anonymous]

I have left for the day. My dad wouldn't stop his wife from making racist remarks in front of my kids, so I took them out for some activities and called him to discuss. No idea if she was listening in on the call. But I basically told him it puts me in an impossible position so either she stops saying stuff, or he can set out our suitcases and we'll get a hotel. I think he actually liked that I drew a line, he finds her totally embarrassing but is a wimp about speaking up. It's pathetic.

[Anonymous]

My childfree relative left a family vacation after I challenged her calling me a bad mother to my young SN child. We have regained a relationship but it was strained for a while. She had argued with other family and left early on other trips in the past over other things.

I encourage driving to visit as it gives more flexibility after arguments. I also recommend committing to a very short stay, if you don’t think you’ll last. Storming off and leaving mid trip is pretty dramatic. Better to go for a short time and be sorry to leave so soon.

[Anonymous]

I’m not trying to be snarky, but why exactly would you agree to go on a vacation where you already are planning for the likelihood that you will have to leave early due to toxic behavior? Just don’t go on vacation with the extended family.

[Anonymous]

I left with my toddler once. Just walked right out of my in laws house with nothing but a diaper bag. We had to spend the night in the airport and caught a flight in the morning. My husband is still abusive and my in laws still excuse his behavior. My in laws are a bit nicer though since they know I’ll leave if they behave really badly.

[Anonymous]

Yes, left early from a family reunion. After two years of no contact with virtually all my in-laws, I am now low contact with most of my in-laws and still no contact with the rest. I'm happy with this arrangement.

[Anonymous]

I haven't, but after an awful trip with the in-laws recently, I am done going on trips with them.

I don't need my in-laws making remarks about not having kids when I have major fertility issues and treating me poorly because they are addicts and don't have any self-control and need to get drunk daily.

[Anonymous]

It wan't a vacation but my brother and I refused to stay at our parents' home on a visit and instead stayed at a nearby hotel. Their screaming and passive-aggressive speech was overwhelming. I think we were there for our grandfather's 90th birthday or something. So we just saw them for an hour at their house and then at the restaurant.

[Anonymous]

Well, you don't stay with them. Surely you've learned that by now. Always hotel. You pay for your own lodging and always have your own car. And you manage "the togetherness". Trips can be too much togetherness. And watch the alcohol. Always leave before anyone drinks too much.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It wan't a vacation but my brother and I refused to stay at our parents' home on a visit and instead stayed at a nearby hotel. Their screaming and passive-aggressive speech was overwhelming. I think we were there for our grandfather's 90th birthday or something. So we just saw them for an hour at their house and then at the restaurant.

Sorry - I forgot to answer your last question. My dad said something about it having hurt his feelings, and we basically said it hurts our feelings and makes us really uncomfortable when he's constantly yelling at our mom. We also made sure to add that she absolutely is passive-aggressive and is at least 50% of the problem so he'd know it wasn't just him. I think he tried for the next visit to not yell and eventually forgot/gave up. She's dead now, and he's MUCH happier.

[Anonymous]

Politely decline, without drama, any vacation where you don't have your own separate place to stay. Pay whatever it costs. Or don't go.

[Anonymous]

Vacation should be enjoyable! Do not go on a vacation with toxic people who you need a quick exit strategy to escape!

[Anonymous]

Haven’t left but have shortened the days spent with in laws drastically. Used to do 2-3 weeks overlap with them at beach. Now 2-5 days max. Sometimes I will also just say no to the trips too. I will also set expectations with my DH before trip like if x happens then I will do y, or I will not be doing x for the group. I don’t want to pile on new resentments.

[Anonymous]

I have put my DH on notice that of a certain thing happens, I will pack up our kids and leave. And brought a secret car key to make the point. In my case it was an unwillingness to supervise too many kids at a lake-- it's a remote cabin with no reception and other relatives tended to drink and wander away and I would get stuck watching 10+ kids singlehandedly. It was more of a line between me and my DH, rather than with the family. He knew I was serious and he knew I was right, so I never had to actually do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I left with my toddler once. Just walked right out of my in laws house with nothing but a diaper bag. We had to spend the night in the airport and caught a flight in the morning. My husband is still abusive and my in laws still excuse his behavior. My in laws are a bit nicer though since they know I’ll leave if they behave really badly.

Ummm you’re the one who’s married to the guy. That’s the ultimate act of excusing his behavior.