Realizing your parents were terrible

[Anonymous]

As I got older I realized and accepted that both my parents were incapable of parenting. My mother is narcissistic and I think my dad is on the spectrum. When I became a parent- I had examples of what not to do and have been successful at parenting. My mom is in her 70s and loves to make comments like “you do too much for your kids.” Which is my head is just saying I would never do that for you.

I have tried to put up boundaries but she is constantly wanting everyone’s attention and I think even creates fake health issues when she is not getting the attention she wants from myself or my siblings.

My family and I have a big vacation this summer and she has already started with the “what are you going to do if I am sick?” And I have told her we are going on this trip.

She is exhausting and she had demonstrated time and time again that none of her children are any sort of priority.

I guess I am just looking for sympathy from internet strangers.

[Anonymous]

Yup, I realized it at 17. I graduated HS a year early and went off to college. I had several wonderful "substitute parents" via my college friends and it confirmed my own knowledge my parents simply had no interest in me. My 2 siblings and I talked about it years later and I found out we all felt the same. Since 17 I have told people I raised myself, and it was true. My best friend in adulthood had an even worse experience and it is one of the issues we bonded over.She actually cut off all contact with her parents in her late 20s. I have kept minimal contact with mine over the years.

I raised my own kids differently.

[Anonymous]

I think I realized there was something wrong with my mom by age 10.

One of the awful things she did was she badmouthed my dad, well before age 10.

I think I was in my 20s when I started to realize he’s not a selfish jerk.

[Anonymous]

I was a senior in high school when I realized not every kid is terrified their father will kill them. It was fascinating.

Stop talking to your mother about your vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yup, I realized it at 17. I graduated HS a year early and went off to college. I had several wonderful "substitute parents" via my college friends and it confirmed my own knowledge my parents simply had no interest in me. My 2 siblings and I talked about it years later and I found out we all felt the same. Since 17 I have told people I raised myself, and it was true. My best friend in adulthood had an even worse experience and it is one of the issues we bonded over.She actually cut off all contact with her parents in her late 20s. I have kept minimal contact with mine over the years.

I raised my own kids differently.

Same here - realized it by the time I was 10 and went full-focus on clawing my way out and becoming independent as soon as I could (also left at 17). I basically had to start over with everything once I left - relearning how to behave, think, act, etc.

I don't have kids because I had enough of childhood for one lifetime, and I didn't trust myself to repeat (my mother was/is BPD and I had some BPD tendencies early on). Now I'm in a long-term stable marriage to a wonderful man, and doing well in a career I love. Minimal contact with both parents.

Hugs and solidarity to the OP and PPs of this thread - you're not alone.

[Anonymous]

As you know, your mother is just trying to guilt you into either bringing her or not going on the trip. Your life doesn’t revolve around her. Many from that generation are very selfish, so maybe treat them how you would any other selfish person.

And stop giving her the opportunity to make her negative remarks—that is not good for you or your DC’s wellbeing.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. Is there a chance your mom will try to spoil the trip with a fake health emergency? Do you have a sibling or family friend who can be on call to assess her status if she tries to get you to cancel last-minute or come home early? Then you can say to her "Call Larlo if you are sick or hospitalized when I'm gone. He'll be able to reach me with the details."

[Anonymous]

My NPD mother actually gets angry when someone has a health issue. Period cramps? They’re all in your head. Too sick to go to school? Then I have a list of chores that you can do. Stepfather hasn’t moved his bowels in a week? I want to tell you about my ailments first. He needs to go the hospital? Why don’t you drive him?
Is anger toward sick people a common thing with these narcissist parents? I get it temporarily distracts people from the narcissist and that causes rage.

[Anonymous]

I knew fairly young that I had lackluster parents. My parents divorced when I was about 3, because of my dad’s alcoholism. He was the better of the two parents, if you can believe it. My mom just didn’t want to do anything motherly unless it benefitted her in some way. I was always jealous of other girls who had mothers who genuinely seemed to love them and want to spend time with them and talk with them.

My mom always bad mouthed my dad, but then forced me to spend weekends with him—he was drunk all night, but worked during the day. But he really was the better parent. The summer I turned 14, I really tried to spend time with him and get to know him instead of trying to disappear and avoid. I’m glad I did that because he died a couple of months later and I was able to have my own positive experience to carry with me instead of my moms badmouthing and negativity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As I got older I realized and accepted that both my parents were incapable of parenting. My mother is narcissistic and I think my dad is on the spectrum. When I became a parent- I had examples of what not to do and have been successful at parenting. My mom is in her 70s and loves to make comments like “you do too much for your kids.” Which is my head is just saying I would never do that for you.

I have tried to put up boundaries but she is constantly wanting everyone’s attention and I think even creates fake health issues when she is not getting the attention she wants from myself or my siblings.

My family and I have a big vacation this summer and she has already started with the “what are you going to do if I am sick?” And I have told her we are going on this trip.

She is exhausting and she had demonstrated time and time again that none of her children are any sort of priority.

I guess I am just looking for sympathy from internet strangers.

I can give you sympathy. I grew up with a bitter, nasty, narcissistic mother who constantly sought attention and used all kinds of "beliefs" to justify having been a horrible parent. Best decision I ever made was to go NC. Any time she weasled back in and I allowed it -- I regretted it. Work on boundaries, with a therapist if you have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My NPD mother actually gets angry when someone has a health issue. Period cramps? They’re all in your head. Too sick to go to school? Then I have a list of chores that you can do. Stepfather hasn’t moved his bowels in a week? I want to tell you about my ailments first. He needs to go the hospital? Why don’t you drive him?
Is anger toward sick people a common thing with these narcissist parents? I get it temporarily distracts people from the narcissist and that causes rage.

OMG this. "I never had period cramps, why do you have period cramps?" "I don't need glasses - why is the doctor telling me you are severely nearsighted?"

My best explanation is that she (mother) saw me as an extension of herself, therefore my health issues could only reflect her own experiences. Otherwise I was faking and being manipulative to get attention.

[Anonymous]

I had wonderful parents but I will still offer sympathy. One of the best things about being a parent is that we get to choose the type of parent we will be and try not to carry any mistakes forward. Another suggestion - decrease contact with your mother. You can honor and love your mother without letting her know the details of your life, like upcoming vacations. Pull back for your own sanity.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My NPD mother actually gets angry when someone has a health issue. Period cramps? They’re all in your head. Too sick to go to school? Then I have a list of chores that you can do. Stepfather hasn’t moved his bowels in a week? I want to tell you about my ailments first. He needs to go the hospital? Why don’t you drive him?
Is anger toward sick people a common thing with these narcissist parents? I get it temporarily distracts people from the narcissist and that causes rage.

OMG this. "I never had period cramps, why do you have period cramps?" "I don't need glasses - why is the doctor telling me you are severely nearsighted?"

My best explanation is that she (mother) saw me as an extension of herself, therefore my health issues could only reflect her own experiences. Otherwise I was faking and being manipulative to get attention.

NP - oh wow my mom did this all the time. I have never heard others share this experience before. My mom is definitely on the extreme of the narcissistic spectrum. Any more insight into this from anyone? I am very interested and have never understood this.

Also my mom gets mad if she is caring for my dad when he is sick, and I try to ask questions or give it any attention. For example, she hid my dad’s brain tumor from me. When I found out and asked questions she yelled at me and said “he’s not your husband!”

[Anonymous]

When we visit my mom she has started saying “this might be the last time you see me.”

So my 10 year old responded with “might be the last time you see me too!”

Now she has complained to everyone about my disrespectful child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think I realized there was something wrong with my mom by age 10.

One of the awful things she did was she badmouthed my dad, well before age 10.

I think I was in my 20s when I started to realize he’s not a selfish jerk.

Your poor mother. I don't know how old you are, but please understand, she probably had no freedom, no means for supporting herself, did everything for her husband, all the childcare, while he lived his life with ease, however he pleased, while treating her like garbage. Have you ever asked your father how he feels about the way he treated your mother while they were raising a family? If that's the "awful" thing you think your mother did, honestly, get some help.