Sad about minuscule pool of eligible men after divorce at 44

[Anonymous]

This is one reason I won't get divorced until I am fully prepared to live the rest of my life alon

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ PP again, I just read one comment again above, about us probably not having had huge sparks to begin with. Yes, nail on the head. We were attracted to each other enough to have some sparks in the beginning, and there was strong emotion enough to want to marry each other. We both were also at the point of wanting to start the married with children phase of our lives. But there is no real chance to respark some huge, intense desire for each other because we never really had that. Lots of comfortableness with each other but no true, out of this world fireworks enough to rekindle something over 20 years down the road. That’s probably why we are at the point we are at now, able to start separating but still are friends and have affection for each other.

Interesting perspective, thanks for sharing.

We are similar, but we decided on a DADT policy. So we can have the passionate sex with others but come home to the security of marriage. Seems less of a headache than divorce. In reality, there aren't that many couples that have the spark after 2 decades. That's just marriage.

I assume you are both financially successful, which makes divorcing a lot easier.

Yes, on my side especially. I’m not making hardly anything right now since I just reentered the workforce. But when I mentioned to my father that divorce was impending, he explained in more detail what he meant when he always said “Don’t worry, there’s money for college” or “Don’t worry, I’ve got money if you need it”. When I alerted him of a divorce, he informed me that he has over 2 million in investment accounts that are almost all dividend-bearing stocks specifically. They already pay him $110,000 a year without selling a thing and the value keeps growing as he holds what he doesn’t spend and buys more of the same stocks when there’s a market dip. It was a brilliant strategy early on when he decided he didn’t have the time or interest in chasing buy low-sell high stocks that would successfully do so, so he focused on high dividend-bearing stocks. It funds his retirement and any skilled nursing care without having to sell any.

He is on at-home dialysis and has said himself be probably doesn’t have more than 5 more years, so this money may come to me soon. I am the sole beneficiary with the intent of passing it to my 2 DDs. His lack of much more time is also why I want to go stay with him after our daughter graduates high school, with her if she wants to come too since she loves the area where my family lives, so that I have time with him in what little is left.

Inheritance is typically ok in property settlement if it is kept separate and I do nothing to manage it myself. But I would need to be very careful and this is my father’s money meant for me and my descendants, not to be a marital asset.

So since my husband and I are ready to move on with other lives separately after our DD graduates high school in 2 years, this is a huge motivator to see that through. I don’t think DH would go after this money, but you just never know when it comes to large amounts of money. I have not informed him of it since it is my dad’s money right now, not mine and won’t be mine until he dies, it is not a marital asset, and I didn’t find out about this until after my DH and I decided to divorce. If I am receiving alimony at the time I inherit the money, at that time I would inform my ex-husband and end then alimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ PP again, I just read one comment again above, about us probably not having had huge sparks to begin with. Yes, nail on the head. We were attracted to each other enough to have some sparks in the beginning, and there was strong emotion enough to want to marry each other. We both were also at the point of wanting to start the married with children phase of our lives. But there is no real chance to respark some huge, intense desire for each other because we never really had that. Lots of comfortableness with each other but no true, out of this world fireworks enough to rekindle something over 20 years down the road. That’s probably why we are at the point we are at now, able to start separating but still are friends and have affection for each other.

Interesting perspective, thanks for sharing.

We are similar, but we decided on a DADT policy. So we can have the passionate sex with others but come home to the security of marriage. Seems less of a headache than divorce. In reality, there aren't that many couples that have the spark after 2 decades. That's just marriage.

I assume you are both financially successful, which makes divorcing a lot easier.

Yes, on my side especially. I’m not making hardly anything right now since I just reentered the workforce. But when I mentioned to my father that divorce was impending, he explained in more detail what he meant when he always said “Don’t worry, there’s money for college” or “Don’t worry, I’ve got money if you need it”. When I alerted him of a divorce, he informed me that he has over 2 million in investment accounts that are almost all dividend-bearing stocks specifically. They already pay him $110,000 a year without selling a thing and the value keeps growing as he holds what he doesn’t spend and buys more of the same stocks when there’s a market dip. It was a brilliant strategy early on when he decided he didn’t have the time or interest in chasing buy low-sell high stocks that would successfully do so, so he focused on high dividend-bearing stocks. It funds his retirement and any skilled nursing care without having to sell any.

He is on at-home dialysis and has said himself be probably doesn’t have more than 5 more years, so this money may come to me soon. I am the sole beneficiary with the intent of passing it to my 2 DDs. His lack of much more time is also why I want to go stay with him after our daughter graduates high school, with her if she wants to come too since she loves the area where my family lives, so that I have time with him in what little is left.

Inheritance is typically ok in property settlement if it is kept separate and I do nothing to manage it myself. But I would need to be very careful and this is my father’s money meant for me and my descendants, not to be a marital asset.

So since my husband and I are ready to move on with other lives separately after our DD graduates high school in 2 years, this is a huge motivator to see that through. I don’t think DH would go after this money, but you just never know when it comes to large amounts of money. I have not informed him of it since it is my dad’s money right now, not mine and won’t be mine until he dies, it is not a marital asset, and I didn’t find out about this until after my DH and I decided to divorce. If I am receiving alimony at the time I inherit the money, at that time I would inform my ex-husband and end then alimony.

I don’t understand why you don’t divorce now. You’re not doing yourself or DD any favors by living ‘a lie’. But assuming your DH is going to follow your plan when that amount of money is involved is nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ PP again, I just read one comment again above, about us probably not having had huge sparks to begin with. Yes, nail on the head. We were attracted to each other enough to have some sparks in the beginning, and there was strong emotion enough to want to marry each other. We both were also at the point of wanting to start the married with children phase of our lives. But there is no real chance to respark some huge, intense desire for each other because we never really had that. Lots of comfortableness with each other but no true, out of this world fireworks enough to rekindle something over 20 years down the road. That’s probably why we are at the point we are at now, able to start separating but still are friends and have affection for each other.

Interesting perspective, thanks for sharing.

We are similar, but we decided on a DADT policy. So we can have the passionate sex with others but come home to the security of marriage. Seems less of a headache than divorce. In reality, there aren't that many couples that have the spark after 2 decades. That's just marriage.

I assume you are both financially successful, which makes divorcing a lot easier.

Yes, on my side especially. I’m not making hardly anything right now since I just reentered the workforce. But when I mentioned to my father that divorce was impending, he explained in more detail what he meant when he always said “Don’t worry, there’s money for college” or “Don’t worry, I’ve got money if you need it”. When I alerted him of a divorce, he informed me that he has over 2 million in investment accounts that are almost all dividend-bearing stocks specifically. They already pay him $110,000 a year without selling a thing and the value keeps growing as he holds what he doesn’t spend and buys more of the same stocks when there’s a market dip. It was a brilliant strategy early on when he decided he didn’t have the time or interest in chasing buy low-sell high stocks that would successfully do so, so he focused on high dividend-bearing stocks. It funds his retirement and any skilled nursing care without having to sell any.

He is on at-home dialysis and has said himself be probably doesn’t have more than 5 more years, so this money may come to me soon. I am the sole beneficiary with the intent of passing it to my 2 DDs. His lack of much more time is also why I want to go stay with him after our daughter graduates high school, with her if she wants to come too since she loves the area where my family lives, so that I have time with him in what little is left.

Inheritance is typically ok in property settlement if it is kept separate and I do nothing to manage it myself. But I would need to be very careful and this is my father’s money meant for me and my descendants, not to be a marital asset.

So since my husband and I are ready to move on with other lives separately after our DD graduates high school in 2 years, this is a huge motivator to see that through. I don’t think DH would go after this money, but you just never know when it comes to large amounts of money. I have not informed him of it since it is my dad’s money right now, not mine and won’t be mine until he dies, it is not a marital asset, and I didn’t find out about this until after my DH and I decided to divorce. If I am receiving alimony at the time I inherit the money, at that time I would inform my ex-husband and end then alimony.

I don’t understand why you don’t divorce now. You’re not doing yourself or DD any favors by living ‘a lie’. But assuming your DH is going to follow your plan when that amount of money is involved is nuts.

We are divorcing now. We are working with our lawyers on a PSA while we’ve started the separation phase.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ PP again, I just read one comment again above, about us probably not having had huge sparks to begin with. Yes, nail on the head. We were attracted to each other enough to have some sparks in the beginning, and there was strong emotion enough to want to marry each other. We both were also at the point of wanting to start the married with children phase of our lives. But there is no real chance to respark some huge, intense desire for each other because we never really had that. Lots of comfortableness with each other but no true, out of this world fireworks enough to rekindle something over 20 years down the road. That’s probably why we are at the point we are at now, able to start separating but still are friends and have affection for each other.

Interesting perspective, thanks for sharing.

We are similar, but we decided on a DADT policy. So we can have the passionate sex with others but come home to the security of marriage. Seems less of a headache than divorce. In reality, there aren't that many couples that have the spark after 2 decades. That's just marriage.

I assume you are both financially successful, which makes divorcing a lot easier.

Yes, on my side especially. I’m not making hardly anything right now since I just reentered the workforce. But when I mentioned to my father that divorce was impending, he explained in more detail what he meant when he always said “Don’t worry, there’s money for college” or “Don’t worry, I’ve got money if you need it”. When I alerted him of a divorce, he informed me that he has over 2 million in investment accounts that are almost all dividend-bearing stocks specifically. They already pay him $110,000 a year without selling a thing and the value keeps growing as he holds what he doesn’t spend and buys more of the same stocks when there’s a market dip. It was a brilliant strategy early on when he decided he didn’t have the time or interest in chasing buy low-sell high stocks that would successfully do so, so he focused on high dividend-bearing stocks. It funds his retirement and any skilled nursing care without having to sell any.

He is on at-home dialysis and has said himself be probably doesn’t have more than 5 more years, so this money may come to me soon. I am the sole beneficiary with the intent of passing it to my 2 DDs. His lack of much more time is also why I want to go stay with him after our daughter graduates high school, with her if she wants to come too since she loves the area where my family lives, so that I have time with him in what little is left.

Inheritance is typically ok in property settlement if it is kept separate and I do nothing to manage it myself. But I would need to be very careful and this is my father’s money meant for me and my descendants, not to be a marital asset.

So since my husband and I are ready to move on with other lives separately after our DD graduates high school in 2 years, this is a huge motivator to see that through. I don’t think DH would go after this money, but you just never know when it comes to large amounts of money. I have not informed him of it since it is my dad’s money right now, not mine and won’t be mine until he dies, it is not a marital asset, and I didn’t find out about this until after my DH and I decided to divorce. If I am receiving alimony at the time I inherit the money, at that time I would inform my ex-husband and end then alimony.

I don’t understand why you don’t divorce now. You’re not doing yourself or DD any favors by living ‘a lie’. But assuming your DH is going to follow your plan when that amount of money is involved is nuts.

We are divorcing now. We are working with our lawyers on a PSA while we’ve started the separation phase.

^^ PP above. You can’t file for divorce without having completed a separation. My DH gave me a draft PSA and our separation officially started per the draft PSA completed by his attorney on March 1st. We are currently separating all financials. So the dissolution of our marriage has officially started. The PSA will be finished and signed within a month.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^^ PP again, I just read one comment again above, about us probably not having had huge sparks to begin with. Yes, nail on the head. We were attracted to each other enough to have some sparks in the beginning, and there was strong emotion enough to want to marry each other. We both were also at the point of wanting to start the married with children phase of our lives. But there is no real chance to respark some huge, intense desire for each other because we never really had that. Lots of comfortableness with each other but no true, out of this world fireworks enough to rekindle something over 20 years down the road. That’s probably why we are at the point we are at now, able to start separating but still are friends and have affection for each other.

Interesting perspective, thanks for sharing.

We are similar, but we decided on a DADT policy. So we can have the passionate sex with others but come home to the security of marriage. Seems less of a headache than divorce. In reality, there aren't that many couples that have the spark after 2 decades. That's just marriage.

I assume you are both financially successful, which makes divorcing a lot easier.

Yes, on my side especially. I’m not making hardly anything right now since I just reentered the workforce. But when I mentioned to my father that divorce was impending, he explained in more detail what he meant when he always said “Don’t worry, there’s money for college” or “Don’t worry, I’ve got money if you need it”. When I alerted him of a divorce, he informed me that he has over 2 million in investment accounts that are almost all dividend-bearing stocks specifically. They already pay him $110,000 a year without selling a thing and the value keeps growing as he holds what he doesn’t spend and buys more of the same stocks when there’s a market dip. It was a brilliant strategy early on when he decided he didn’t have the time or interest in chasing buy low-sell high stocks that would successfully do so, so he focused on high dividend-bearing stocks. It funds his retirement and any skilled nursing care without having to sell any.

He is on at-home dialysis and has said himself be probably doesn’t have more than 5 more years, so this money may come to me soon. I am the sole beneficiary with the intent of passing it to my 2 DDs. His lack of much more time is also why I want to go stay with him after our daughter graduates high school, with her if she wants to come too since she loves the area where my family lives, so that I have time with him in what little is left.

Inheritance is typically ok in property settlement if it is kept separate and I do nothing to manage it myself. But I would need to be very careful and this is my father’s money meant for me and my descendants, not to be a marital asset.

So since my husband and I are ready to move on with other lives separately after our DD graduates high school in 2 years, this is a huge motivator to see that through. I don’t think DH would go after this money, but you just never know when it comes to large amounts of money. I have not informed him of it since it is my dad’s money right now, not mine and won’t be mine until he dies, it is not a marital asset, and I didn’t find out about this until after my DH and I decided to divorce. If I am receiving alimony at the time I inherit the money, at that time I would inform my ex-husband and end then alimony.

I don’t understand why you don’t divorce now. You’re not doing yourself or DD any favors by living ‘a lie’. But assuming your DH is going to follow your plan when that amount of money is involved is nuts.

We are divorcing now. We are working with our lawyers on a PSA while we’ve started the separation phase.

^^ PP above. You can’t file for divorce without having completed a separation. My DH gave me a draft PSA and our separation officially started per the draft PSA completed by his attorney on March 1st. We are currently separating all financials. So the dissolution of our marriage has officially started. The PSA will be finished and signed within a month.

My DH is also the one who served me the draft of the PSA in March without even a conversation first to see if we were on the same page. So I am less included to worry about informing of something I found out as a result of me telling my father I had been served a PSA. I completely agree with my DH that this is the right move, we’re just roommates and friends now, but he chose to blindside me rather than talk to me, so I do not feel compelled to inform him of something I found out as a result of his choice to serve me a PSA. I will inform him when that money becomes mine. Until then, I am not asking my father for any money and it does not impact our property settlement of assets from the last 21 years.

[Anonymous]

Why do you keep saying you will inform him when that money becomes yours? Does your lawyer say you have to do that? If so, get a second opinion before you do. If your lawyer doesnt say you have to disclose, dont say a word.

[Anonymous]

My intent is to get a full time salaried job that uses my top secret clearance so I don’t lose it and provides health insurance, until I have access to Medicare and AARP supplemental at 65. I’m 56. So inheriting that money would increase my income by 110,000 in dividends unless I set it up not to have access to it as income. Wouldn’t that materially change my income for alimony? While I am comfortable not telling him right now since I found out as a result of him blindsiding me with a PSA, and that money was not part of our 21 years of marital property, I don’t feel comfortable hiding it from him if it materially changes my income after the PSA is final. And at that point I will be 60+ and wanting to use the dividend at least a little so I can enjoy the time I have left.

The only reason I wouldn’t disclose the money is if I decide not to work anymore, volunteer or have big hobbies instead or something, and use the dividends as replacement income, and the amount per year is not much different than my salary. Which would mean the alimony wouldn’t change much. Running the numbers, alimony turns off based on his income if I earn more than 80-90K in salary anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My intent is to get a full time salaried job that uses my top secret clearance so I don’t lose it and provides health insurance, until I have access to Medicare and AARP supplemental at 65. I’m 56. So inheriting that money would increase my income by 110,000 in dividends unless I set it up not to have access to it as income. Wouldn’t that materially change my income for alimony? While I am comfortable not telling him right now since I found out as a result of him blindsiding me with a PSA, and that money was not part of our 21 years of marital property, I don’t feel comfortable hiding it from him if it materially changes my income after the PSA is final. And at that point I will be 60+ and wanting to use the dividend at least a little so I can enjoy the time I have left.

The only reason I wouldn’t disclose the money is if I decide not to work anymore, volunteer or have big hobbies instead or something, and use the dividends as replacement income, and the amount per year is not much different than my salary. Which would mean the alimony wouldn’t change much. Running the numbers, alimony turns off based on his income if I earn more than 80-90K in salary anyway.

The place where my dad lives has a big military base where I could continue to work with my clearance if I maintain it.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. I felt like pool of eligible attractive men here was awful in my 20s and 30s. I think it's just more apparent with technology we have today. Hang in there. Everyone I know who got remarried has found a much better partner the 2nd time around. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. I felt like pool of eligible attractive men here was awful in my 20s and 30s. I think it's just more apparent with technology we have today. Hang in there. Everyone I know who got remarried has found a much better partner the 2nd time around. Hugs to you.

Yeah. DC was hard to find a hot, attractive successful (potentially) successful man back in the 90s. The good thing was that the pool of women that also had those characteristics was tiny too so without internet/online dating you could find each other out at the bars, work, gym.

I think more pretty smart, career women have influxed the area where the pool of men has remained small. More competition for fewer men. And women are older so lose out to younger ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People who are bored after 20 years or so, what do you think is gonna happen 20 years into your new relationship? I’m genuinely curious. The passion settles down for everyone. Living with someone and experiencing their every high and every low is draining, of course there is no spark anymore, so you just leave relationship after relationship as you get bored?

The valid point you made is exactly why I can't understand the appeal of wanting to get married to someone else after you and DH or DW have successfully raised your kids. I can totally see separating from your co-parent and starting a new relationship, but wouldn't it make more sense to stay with the new person only as long as you both want to and then agree to move on if the feelings of one person change? If you do not have kids together, why would you want to be with the same person for the rest of your life? (I am not including the 5 percent of "star couples" who are brought together by destiny for everlasting love.)

FINANCES would be the main reason to split for wealthy people who don't want to share fortune with a partner they grew up bored with.
My soon to be ex husband blindsided me with divorce request. The main reason is financial: he's built a successful business venture abroad and didn't disclose his financial interest there. He has proxies in Liechtenstein holding his stock until he divorces and doesn't need to split it. At the same time, he is trying to split our US business. The venture company was built during our 16 years long marriage. We are going to have a bitter divorce with discovery

[Anonymous]

Good luck with the fireside accounting. Hiding gains, delaying gains for years or offshore will have to be split 50/50. His whole LLc or general partnership will get analyzed and each holding. Even if the payout is in 5-10 years, you’ll get some.

[Anonymous]

Meant Forensic accounting. Many lawyers would use one for this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good luck with the fireside accounting. Hiding gains, delaying gains for years or offshore will have to be split 50/50. His whole LLc or general partnership will get analyzed and each holding. Even if the payout is in 5-10 years, you’ll get some.

He registered it on a third person. Very hard to prove, but DC courts do give “what, if and when” orders that cover future events. Eg if he out of a sudden becomes filthy rich in 10 years, he owes X to ex-wife. But these are difficult cases. Lots of legal fees.