Would you not reciprocate a play date if friend’s house was too big?

[Anonymous]

I would love to be invited to a house like yours and I would not comment on its size. Super-tacky to do so.

You may be overthinking it, but you also may be fishing in the wrong ponds. Where do you meet the people you have invited over?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
And to think we bought this large house because we value our family so much.

Your parents don't need their own 4,000 sq ft of living space to be comfortable staying with you. If anything, I wonder sometimes how much people value their families when they buy houses seemingly designed to let everyone get as far away from each other as possible.

Say what? My friends who have large houses seem to be the gathering spaces for our large group of friends and our children - great not only for hide and seek, but also for their game room and their wide assortment of spaces that my house will never have. Y'all are small minded as they get. No wonder y'all are so jelly and insecure when you hear Larla has this or that. We all know you are teaching your kids your toxic ways. Good luck with that.

You don't need 15k sq ft to have big groups over. OP is entitled to her 15,000 sq ft house (as long as they can afford it), but let's not pretend it's necessary for having family visit or that the size of your house is a reflection of how much you value family. OP bought a 15,000 sq ft house because she really wanted a 15,000 sq ft house, not because life or family situations mandated it, and it comes across as disingenuous and, frankly, pretentious for her to claim otherwise. That may be what people are responding to more than the house size itself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are so judgy. A nice person is a nice person, regardless of the size of her house. I would be mildly anxious about hosting in my “lesser” house, but if we were really friends, I would get over it.

+1

Some of the PPs need to grow up. A lot!

We are not saying the OP is not a NICE PERSON (such a vague description). What we are saying is: the way she rationalizes this expense, the need for it, the reasons behind it =/= the way we think about these same issues. Conclusion? We don't have that in common. Though, yes, she may still be a "nice person."

+1

She might be perfectly nice. (I've never met her, so I can't say.) But she really just does not understand how out of the norm her house is, and the way she talks about why she bought it? We just don't think alike *at all.* And it's possible that it's not the house itself, but the way she talked about it to her new mom friends that was off-putting. Maybe she said something that caused those women to think that she wouldn't want to be in their homes, or caused them to feel like she would judge them. I didn't witness their interactions, so it's hard to say whether the other moms are really insecure and jealous, whether they are just uncomfortable with the huge disparity in wealth and lifestyle, whether they just don't think they have a lot in common with OP, or whether OP is putting them off in some other way. But I think it's a mistake to think that everyone is just jealous and bitter--at least if OP sincerely wants to make friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in a very large home (15,000sf). I have two much older kids and a new baby. I’m meeting some new moms and want to have them over but am afraid my house is too large.

When my older kids were younger, we lived in a smaller large house (8,000sf) and even then some people would comment on how large our house was.

I feel like one of the new mom friends I made dropped me after coming over. We used to chat about baby topics and trade advice. She stopped inviting me out and her texts have become really short. I know it could be a million other things but it happened right after she came over. Other moms joke about our different wings and servants. We don’t have servants, just a housekeeper. They will comment on how I don’t know what it is like since someone else cleans and does the laundry.

I have become so overly self conscious about this that I am afraid to host a play date in my home.

Am I totally overthinking this?
Would you not reciprocate if you went to a play date in a home that was too large?

Is this house to signal to the rest of your family that you have made it? Are you Indian or Hispanic?

+1 or Middle Eastern?

Way to be racist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in a very large home (15,000sf). I have two much older kids and a new baby. I’m meeting some new moms and want to have them over but am afraid my house is too large.

When my older kids were younger, we lived in a smaller large house (8,000sf) and even then some people would comment on how large our house was.

I feel like one of the new mom friends I made dropped me after coming over. We used to chat about baby topics and trade advice. She stopped inviting me out and her texts have become really short. I know it could be a million other things but it happened right after she came over. Other moms joke about our different wings and servants. We don’t have servants, just a housekeeper. They will comment on how I don’t know what it is like since someone else cleans and does the laundry.

I have become so overly self conscious about this that I am afraid to host a play date in my home.

Am I totally overthinking this?
Would you not reciprocate if you went to a play date in a home that was too large?

Is this house to signal to the rest of your family that you have made it? Are you Indian or Hispanic?

+1 or Middle Eastern?

We are none of the above.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are so judgy. A nice person is a nice person, regardless of the size of her house. I would be mildly anxious about hosting in my “lesser” house, but if we were really friends, I would get over it.

+1

Some of the PPs need to grow up. A lot!

We are not saying the OP is not a NICE PERSON (such a vague description). What we are saying is: the way she rationalizes this expense, the need for it, the reasons behind it =/= the way we think about these same issues. Conclusion? We don't have that in common. Though, yes, she may still be a "nice person."

+1

She might be perfectly nice. (I've never met her, so I can't say.) But she really just does not understand how out of the norm her house is, and the way she talks about why she bought it? We just don't think alike *at all.* And it's possible that it's not the house itself, but the way she talked about it to her new mom friends that was off-putting. Maybe she said something that caused those women to think that she wouldn't want to be in their homes, or caused them to feel like she would judge them. I didn't witness their interactions, so it's hard to say whether the other moms are really insecure and jealous, whether they are just uncomfortable with the huge disparity in wealth and lifestyle, whether they just don't think they have a lot in common with OP, or whether OP is putting them off in some other way. But I think it's a mistake to think that everyone is just jealous and bitter--at least if OP sincerely wants to make friends.

So, nice has to be "specific" - or is it just that OP has to meet your extremely narrow specifications?

I don't know anyone IRL, who happens to reside in a large house, who talks about ANY of the things you mention. You might have to get out more.

Also, in some situations there are tax benefits to living a certain way. Not that it is my business what my neighbor does or does not do, as long as it is legal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in a very large home (15,000sf). I have two much older kids and a new baby. I’m meeting some new moms and want to have them over but am afraid my house is too large.

When my older kids were younger, we lived in a smaller large house (8,000sf) and even then some people would comment on how large our house was.

I feel like one of the new mom friends I made dropped me after coming over. We used to chat about baby topics and trade advice. She stopped inviting me out and her texts have become really short. I know it could be a million other things but it happened right after she came over. Other moms joke about our different wings and servants. We don’t have servants, just a housekeeper. They will comment on how I don’t know what it is like since someone else cleans and does the laundry.

I have become so overly self conscious about this that I am afraid to host a play date in my home.

Am I totally overthinking this?
Would you not reciprocate if you went to a play date in a home that was too large?

Is this house to signal to the rest of your family that you have made it? Are you Indian or Hispanic?

+1 or Middle Eastern?

We are none of the above.

Care to share what you are?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are so judgy. A nice person is a nice person, regardless of the size of her house. I would be mildly anxious about hosting in my “lesser” house, but if we were really friends, I would get over it.

+1

Some of the PPs need to grow up. A lot!

We are not saying the OP is not a NICE PERSON (such a vague description). What we are saying is: the way she rationalizes this expense, the need for it, the reasons behind it =/= the way we think about these same issues. Conclusion? We don't have that in common. Though, yes, she may still be a "nice person."

+1

She might be perfectly nice. (I've never met her, so I can't say.) But she really just does not understand how out of the norm her house is, and the way she talks about why she bought it? We just don't think alike *at all.* And it's possible that it's not the house itself, but the way she talked about it to her new mom friends that was off-putting. Maybe she said something that caused those women to think that she wouldn't want to be in their homes, or caused them to feel like she would judge them. I didn't witness their interactions, so it's hard to say whether the other moms are really insecure and jealous, whether they are just uncomfortable with the huge disparity in wealth and lifestyle, whether they just don't think they have a lot in common with OP, or whether OP is putting them off in some other way. But I think it's a mistake to think that everyone is just jealous and bitter--at least if OP sincerely wants to make friends.

Op never said that anyone is anything - but PPs are making it crystal clear. Just read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We live in a very large home (15,000sf). I have two much older kids and a new baby. I’m meeting some new moms and want to have them over but am afraid my house is too large.

When my older kids were younger, we lived in a smaller large house (8,000sf) and even then some people would comment on how large our house was.

I feel like one of the new mom friends I made dropped me after coming over. We used to chat about baby topics and trade advice. She stopped inviting me out and her texts have become really short. I know it could be a million other things but it happened right after she came over. Other moms joke about our different wings and servants. We don’t have servants, just a housekeeper. They will comment on how I don’t know what it is like since someone else cleans and does the laundry.

I have become so overly self conscious about this that I am afraid to host a play date in my home.

Am I totally overthinking this?
Would you not reciprocate if you went to a play date in a home that was too large?

Is this house to signal to the rest of your family that you have made it? Are you Indian or Hispanic?

+1 or Middle Eastern?

We are none of the above.

Care to share what you are?

More judgment. Op, don't you dare answer any of their shallow, nosy questions. JUDGMENTAL.

[Anonymous]

I think it would depend on how my new friend acted. Like, If you said something like, oh our old house at 8000 square foot was just too small....who could even live in a place like that, we just HAD to upgrade! I would internally be like, Ok, I guess I'm never inviting you over to my 2 bedroom rented condo then, because you obviously would think it's a piece of crap. But if I met someone that had a big house and just acted normal and not stuck up, I don't see why we couldn't be friends. I still might feel a tiny bit embarrassed to host though.

[Anonymous]

Ehh I have a friend with considerably more wealth than me. We are fine though there are times I’m a bit jealous of the ability to send kids to the best privates, mansion, multiple vacation properties, designer clothes and nannies (plural).

We do play dates at both houses and at 3rd party places . My kid loves to go to the friends house - they have the best toys and playground on the property; her kid is unimpressed by our totally average 2500 sq ft SFH. Her kid is kind of a snobby brat so it’s really more of a parent friendship as the kids get older.

I guess the advice is “why not do play dates” - just don’t be a jerk about it and ensure your kid isn’t a jerk about it either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are so judgy. A nice person is a nice person, regardless of the size of her house. I would be mildly anxious about hosting in my “lesser” house, but if we were really friends, I would get over it.

+1

Some of the PPs need to grow up. A lot!

We are not saying the OP is not a NICE PERSON (such a vague description). What we are saying is: the way she rationalizes this expense, the need for it, the reasons behind it =/= the way we think about these same issues. Conclusion? We don't have that in common. Though, yes, she may still be a "nice person."

+1

She might be perfectly nice. (I've never met her, so I can't say.) But she really just does not understand how out of the norm her house is, and the way she talks about why she bought it? We just don't think alike *at all.* And it's possible that it's not the house itself, but the way she talked about it to her new mom friends that was off-putting. Maybe she said something that caused those women to think that she wouldn't want to be in their homes, or caused them to feel like she would judge them. I didn't witness their interactions, so it's hard to say whether the other moms are really insecure and jealous, whether they are just uncomfortable with the huge disparity in wealth and lifestyle, whether they just don't think they have a lot in common with OP, or whether OP is putting them off in some other way. But I think it's a mistake to think that everyone is just jealous and bitter--at least if OP sincerely wants to make friends.

So, nice has to be "specific" - or is it just that OP has to meet your extremely narrow specifications?

I don't know anyone IRL, who happens to reside in a large house, who talks about ANY of the things you mention. You might have to get out more.

Also, in some situations there are tax benefits to living a certain way. Not that it is my business what my neighbor does or does not do, as long as it is legal.

I find it so weird that some here keep arguing with our honest responses. OP asked a question. We answered it. Now some people want to argue with us about what our responses were. They are what they are. If you (collective "you") disagree, fine. If OP disagrees, fine. That's what makes the world go round. Have your 15K sq ft house and have the conviction to say, "I like my house. This is the way I want to live." and sally forth. Fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ehh I have a friend with considerably more wealth than me. We are fine though there are times I’m a bit jealous of the ability to send kids to the best privates, mansion, multiple vacation properties, designer clothes and nannies (plural).

We do play dates at both houses and at 3rd party places . My kid loves to go to the friends house - they have the best toys and playground on the property; her kid is unimpressed by our totally average 2500 sq ft SFH. Her kid is kind of a snobby brat so it’s really more of a parent friendship as the kids get older.

I guess the advice is “why not do play dates” - just don’t be a jerk about it and ensure your kid isn’t a jerk about it either.

Are you kidding me? My friends who live in condos have awesome pools. But, now I am rethinking hanging out with them, and considering hanging out with the few rich people I know instead. At least they won't snicker behind anyone's back.

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems like most people are really glossing over the bit about you having a housekeeper and friends talking about how you don't know what it's like to do your own cleaning and laundry, but to me it seems like a potential sign of the real issue. I have a hard time imagining how those comments are coming up unless it's in response to you trying to be "one of the girls" when everyone else is complaining about the never-ending stream of laundry, when they know you're full of it because you don't do your own laundry. Pretending to be more "common" than you are can feel patronizing to others.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure there's the odd person out there who "happens" to live in gigantic houses and who I could get along with (I live in a $1.6M 900 square ft apartment, but that's NYC real estate), but the sheer environmental footprint of that building - creating, maintaining, etc - is honestly just gross to me. I may be hypocritical and judgemental on this, I certainly dont live a zero-waste life, but 15,000 just feels so gratuitously wasteful. I can't think of a valid justification for so much space (and OP certainly hasn't offered one) and such waste. So, no matter how much I liked someone, unless I found out they lived in such a giant house in order to accommodate the 30 refugee children they regularly fostered, or something else so obviously charitable and connected to home size, I'd question my friend's core values.