Waiving child support for primary custody

[Anonymous]

I have not read these responses

You earn fine. Congratulations and I bet you work hard. My response: The conflict will age you. I think you are circling around the right choice. Make a deal. I actually would advise trying to make the parenting very even and balanced out of the gate. Beginnings matter. Build a good foundation for the rest of your parenthood…

My only advice now is figure out how to make the person you married content post-marriage. It will make your life easier. That’s a project in itself.

—From Experience

[Anonymous]

Same poster as above: I read the post from top of page two. It’s wise. Most (All?) of my gains have been informal - never on paper. Attorneys actually told me that behavior will trump the agreements over time. (Look to past behavior to predict future behavior, right ?)

In my case, we both have advanced degrees. Money was fine. (I can always have more!)

This did not make us smart. We tripped over ourselves toward the final act of our relationship. Our D process felt like needless dumpster fire. What a wasteful process and I was so distracted for way too long.

I then decided to lean into my EQ and make myself happy. I also worked on myself and did some reckoning. Fast forward: That shift meant being almost out-of-the-way nice to my former spouse/Father. It was hard at first, but I do it for my non-traditional family. That family is ALL of us — me.

I feel like I am driving things forward and being strategic. My kids seem fine to me and I am feeling pretty darn good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have not read these responses

You earn fine. Congratulations and I bet you work hard. My response: The conflict will age you. I think you are circling around the right choice. Make a deal. I actually would advise trying to make the parenting very even and balanced out of the gate. Beginnings matter. Build a good foundation for the rest of your parenthood…

My only advice now is figure out how to make the person you married content post-marriage. It will make your life easier. That’s a project in itself.

—From Experience

Yikes, as someone who did the bold for a good 10-15 years, I do disagree. Orienting myself around making placating divorced Dad was a time, money and energy-suck. I had no control over him and all that was energy wasted.

It also was a bad example for my kids. It taught them not to have boundaries for themselves. Only when the kids started seeing a therapist did they have someone who told them it was OK to say NO.

I would figure out how to disconnect yourself from STBXDH. Parallel parent don’t co-parent. What happens at his house is his responsibility and if the kids are unhappy with him, that is a problem for him to solve.

Grey rock him. Do not tell him anything about your life. Tell him what is necessary for the logistics and safety of the kids, but beyond that, it’s his job to develop a relationship with the kids so that they tell him stuff about their inner lives.

Stop doing the labor for your co-parent. Do the labor for yourself and your kids instead. That is your best investment.

[Anonymous]

Obviously it depends on the individuals involved like um, everything. (?)

In my case, my former mate returned to the baseline—his personality baseline. We kneww each other for nearly 2o years prior to splitting.

He was livid angry with me for about two years. Perhaps 2.5: Those years were very difficult. He earned well and very well toward the end of our relationship. Money always flowed to the kids. His angry was all directed to me.

All by way of saying all individuals and circumstances are different. Sorry it was “yikes” and “yuck” you. I had a very challenging few years and then it got better. Many people told me that it would get better. And it did with effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read these responses

You earn fine. Congratulations and I bet you work hard. My response: The conflict will age you. I think you are circling around the right choice. Make a deal. I actually would advise trying to make the parenting very even and balanced out of the gate. Beginnings matter. Build a good foundation for the rest of your parenthood…

My only advice now is figure out how to make the person you married content post-marriage. It will make your life easier. That’s a project in itself.

—From Experience

Yikes, as someone who did the bold for a good 10-15 years, I do disagree. Orienting myself around making placating divorced Dad was a time, money and energy-suck. I had no control over him and all that was energy wasted.

It also was a bad example for my kids. It taught them not to have boundaries for themselves. Only when the kids started seeing a therapist did they have someone who told them it was OK to say NO.

I would figure out how to disconnect yourself from STBXDH. Parallel parent don’t co-parent. What happens at his house is his responsibility and if the kids are unhappy with him, that is a problem for him to solve.

Grey rock him. Do not tell him anything about your life. Tell him what is necessary for the logistics and safety of the kids, but beyond that, it’s his job to develop a relationship with the kids so that they tell him stuff about their inner lives.

Stop doing the labor for your co-parent. Do the labor for yourself and your kids instead. That is your best investment.

Your life is separate from your kids lives. He does not need to know about your life, nor do you need to know about his. However you both share kids and you need to co-parent. You are the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously it depends on the individuals involved like um, everything. (?)

In my case, my former mate returned to the baseline—his personality baseline. We kneww each other for nearly 2o years prior to splitting.

He was livid angry with me for about two years. Perhaps 2.5: Those years were very difficult. He earned well and very well toward the end of our relationship. Money always flowed to the kids. His angry was all directed to me.

All by way of saying all individuals and circumstances are different. Sorry it was “yikes” and “yuck” you. I had a very challenging few years and then it got better. Many people told me that it would get better. And it did with effort.

You wanted the money. You wouldn't not been ok if he made less money. Why was he angry? Did you cheat? Check out of the marriage? What really happened? You 100% blame him and take no responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone waived or accepted a very small amount of child support in exchange for getting primary custody of kids? Is that a bad idea? I make 200K/year working as an attorney and think I have a stable enough job. My priority is to keep my kids for the weekdays so there is no disruption in their school routine. Dad lives in another county.

OP ran away. So, this may be fake. She is not saying there is any abuse, neglect, or anything else. We don't know the reason for the divorce. Everyone is bringing their own bias based off their situation (and even in those situations, no one is saying the entire story). She moved away and took the kids and now wants to block him from any custody. She can offer it, and its up to the dad to decide. However she will ruin the kids, their idea of relationships/parenting/marriage if she does this as she is doing it for her, not them.

[Anonymous]

“Tell him what is necessary for the logistics and safety of the kids, but beyond that, it’s his job to develop a relationship with the kids so that they tell him stuff about their inner lives“

Everything depends on the people and personalities involved—and how they change over time . Some parents are able to get to a place where they share about the children.

This becomes important when the children become tweens and teens. Parents will tell you that information is very hard to come by during those stages.

Trust is sort of key to any type of relationship. It takes a BOAT LOAD of work (and pain, frankly IMO) but some type of relationship could be rebuilt. It is possible — IN SOME CASES.

This was my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a bad idea because it’s for your kids. If you don’t need it for day to day expenses, then save it for college or grad school. If not needed for that, give it to them for a down payment or wedding or whatever it is.

I think people underestimate the role of the Father/Mother.

My neighbor told me that her children teared up during a “father scene” in a movie. My neighbor shared that seeing her kids (maybe it was her youngest, a boy?? ) do that made her feel sad and awful.

Think about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he has them every weekend and you have them before and after work during the week, you are probably both spending about equal amounts of time with them / actively engaged and parenting. He might even be spending more time with the kids if he has Friday evening and all day Saturday and Sunday and you are spending Mon-Fri before work and Mon to Thurs after work. So forgoing child support makes sense. The time spent with kids is about 50/50 even if the official custody wouldn't be as it uses overnights.

It would be really stupid to give him every weekend. Is he going to take the kids to extracurriculars? Is he going to take them to friends birthday parties and play dates? If he has to drive along way to facilitate those activities it seems doubtful. I don’t know how old the kids are, but this type of stuff becomes increasingly important throughout elementary and especially in middle school.

if he’s lazy or selfish he simply will not take them to their activities on his days.

OP didn't say he wouldn't. However, its not reasonable to only give him two days and then say he has to do all the heavy lifting with weekend stuff and he gets no downtime with the kids or free weekends while mom gets every weekend off.

Lol.

That’s THE definition of raising a middle schooler or high schooler. It isn’t about you.

And no, they don’t want to sit around with dad or grandma and miss their practices, games, SAT prep, friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did this many years ago. No child support for primary physical custody. The father did not want to pay any child support which is why he originally wanted at least 50 percent custody until I said I’d waive child support completely.

Smoked that out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s a bad idea because it’s for your kids. If you don’t need it for day to day expenses, then save it for college or grad school. If not needed for that, give it to them for a down payment or wedding or whatever it is.

I think people underestimate the role of the Father/Mother.

My neighbor told me that her children teared up during a “father scene” in a movie. My neighbor shared that seeing her kids (maybe it was her youngest, a boy?? ) do that made her feel sad and awful.

Think about it.

My kids teared up reading Fathers Day cards in the Walgreens.
Really drove home what a real father parent should be behaving like on a consistent basis.

[Anonymous]

Anyone else never able to find an appropriate Father’s Day card for their husband or father?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read these responses

You earn fine. Congratulations and I bet you work hard. My response: The conflict will age you. I think you are circling around the right choice. Make a deal. I actually would advise trying to make the parenting very even and balanced out of the gate. Beginnings matter. Build a good foundation for the rest of your parenthood…

My only advice now is figure out how to make the person you married content post-marriage. It will make your life easier. That’s a project in itself.

—From Experience

Yikes, as someone who did the bold for a good 10-15 years, I do disagree. Orienting myself around making placating divorced Dad was a time, money and energy-suck. I had no control over him and all that was energy wasted.

It also was a bad example for my kids. It taught them not to have boundaries for themselves. Only when the kids started seeing a therapist did they have someone who told them it was OK to say NO.

I would figure out how to disconnect yourself from STBXDH. Parallel parent don’t co-parent. What happens at his house is his responsibility and if the kids are unhappy with him, that is a problem for him to solve.

Grey rock him. Do not tell him anything about your life. Tell him what is necessary for the logistics and safety of the kids, but beyond that, it’s his job to develop a relationship with the kids so that they tell him stuff about their inner lives.

Stop doing the labor for your co-parent. Do the labor for yourself and your kids instead. That is your best investment.

Your life is separate from your kids lives. He does not need to know about your life, nor do you need to know about his. However you both share kids and you need to co-parent. You are the problem.

Ex-spouses do not need to CO-parent with uncooperative partners - co-parenting implies doing things together, and that is not always possible. A parent can choose to parallel parent, and this may be healthier for the kids. Parallel parenting means that each parent basically does what they want on their time and the other parent doesn't participate or comment and there are either no or very limited joint events.

I tried for many years to co-parent. I invited the other parent into my home for meals on a weekly basis (otherwise he simply wouldn't have seen the kids because it required too much effort on his part), I split all holidays (gave him Xmas gift lists, etc.), looped him in on all health and school issues, etc. But, TBH, he still couldn't step up. I finally stopped all this when he was verbally abusive to me in my own home in front of the kids. Previously, he had only been verbally abusive and manipulative in private, but I tolerated that for many years because I thought it was in my kids' interest to maintain a relationship with their dad. It took me a lot of therapy to learn that I was setting a bad example for the kids and that I needed to let him sink or swim on his own. He sank. It's sad for the kids, but it's better that they know the reality and learn to deal with it. It's not something I have the power to fix.

So, no, I am not the problem. I am the parent who offered 505/50 custody and ended up with full custody because exDH didn't want to have custody. But, thanks for playing blame the woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have not read these responses

You earn fine. Congratulations and I bet you work hard. My response: The conflict will age you. I think you are circling around the right choice. Make a deal. I actually would advise trying to make the parenting very even and balanced out of the gate. Beginnings matter. Build a good foundation for the rest of your parenthood…

My only advice now is figure out how to make the person you married content post-marriage. It will make your life easier. That’s a project in itself.

—From Experience

Yikes, as someone who did the bold for a good 10-15 years, I do disagree. Orienting myself around making placating divorced Dad was a time, money and energy-suck. I had no control over him and all that was energy wasted.

It also was a bad example for my kids. It taught them not to have boundaries for themselves. Only when the kids started seeing a therapist did they have someone who told them it was OK to say NO.

I would figure out how to disconnect yourself from STBXDH. Parallel parent don’t co-parent. What happens at his house is his responsibility and if the kids are unhappy with him, that is a problem for him to solve.

Grey rock him. Do not tell him anything about your life. Tell him what is necessary for the logistics and safety of the kids, but beyond that, it’s his job to develop a relationship with the kids so that they tell him stuff about their inner lives.

Stop doing the labor for your co-parent. Do the labor for yourself and your kids instead. That is your best investment.

Your life is separate from your kids lives. He does not need to know about your life, nor do you need to know about his. However you both share kids and you need to co-parent. You are the problem.

Ex-spouses do not need to CO-parent with uncooperative partners - co-parenting implies doing things together, and that is not always possible. A parent can choose to parallel parent, and this may be healthier for the kids. Parallel parenting means that each parent basically does what they want on their time and the other parent doesn't participate or comment and there are either no or very limited joint events.

I tried for many years to co-parent. I invited the other parent into my home for meals on a weekly basis (otherwise he simply wouldn't have seen the kids because it required too much effort on his part), I split all holidays (gave him Xmas gift lists, etc.), looped him in on all health and school issues, etc. But, TBH, he still couldn't step up. I finally stopped all this when he was verbally abusive to me in my own home in front of the kids. Previously, he had only been verbally abusive and manipulative in private, but I tolerated that for many years because I thought it was in my kids' interest to maintain a relationship with their dad. It took me a lot of therapy to learn that I was setting a bad example for the kids and that I needed to let him sink or swim on his own. He sank. It's sad for the kids, but it's better that they know the reality and learn to deal with it. It's not something I have the power to fix.

So, no, I am not the problem. I am the parent who offered 505/50 custody and ended up with full custody because exDH didn't want to have custody. But, thanks for playing blame the woman.

I agree with this 100% and it mirrors, to a T, my own experience. I didn’t have full- but primary custody and my 16 the kids refuse to go see him. That’s due his choices and the things he prioritized over them (other women and his own pleasure) when they were younger. They see him for who he is by the choices he made. I don’t need to and never did need to talk badly about him: he revealed his own character to them through his actions.