Close friend had a party and didn't invite me. How do you deal with the hurt feelings?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me not so long ago. It really sent me down a shame spiral. But I got out of it in part by thinking about Mel robbins’ let them theory. Look it up — she even talks about being left out of a mom vacation as an example. The person who left me out is decently friendly to me still and I just react as I would to a casual friend. Definitely never said anything about the party an never will.

Op here. Thank you! I will not be saying anything about the party if she calls me.

To another PP who asked what milestone event - it was their anniversary party. I guess that's why I felt hurt - that the new friends were invited and us left out. If this was a casual party I would not have cared because everyone cannot be invited to every party. I honestly don't know why she even bothered to call me just a few days prior. This was definitely not an oversight. She asked my what my weekend plans were.

Our spouses are friends too, kids are friends even if different ages.

What threw me off was we had invited her family just a few months ago and everything seemed fine. We have been chatting a lot by phone too since then.

what did you say your plans were?

I said we had no real plans so will be doing some clean up in the house.

Did you ask her what her plans were?

Op here. Of course I did. She said she had no plans either and was catching up on errands.

I feel hurt because she said this and then had this party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me not so long ago. It really sent me down a shame spiral. But I got out of it in part by thinking about Mel robbins’ let them theory. Look it up — she even talks about being left out of a mom vacation as an example. The person who left me out is decently friendly to me still and I just react as I would to a casual friend. Definitely never said anything about the party an never will.

Op here. Thank you! I will not be saying anything about the party if she calls me.

To another PP who asked what milestone event - it was their anniversary party. I guess that's why I felt hurt - that the new friends were invited and us left out. If this was a casual party I would not have cared because everyone cannot be invited to every party. I honestly don't know why she even bothered to call me just a few days prior. This was definitely not an oversight. She asked my what my weekend plans were.

Our spouses are friends too, kids are friends even if different ages.

What threw me off was we had invited her family just a few months ago and everything seemed fine. We have been chatting a lot by phone too since then.

what did you say your plans were?

I said we had no real plans so will be doing some clean up in the house.

Did you ask her what her plans were?

Op here. Of course I did. She said she had no plans either and was catching up on errands.

I feel hurt because she said this and then had this party.

Hmm well she sucks then. Seriously. I posted earlier to let it go etc... but if she literally flat out lied to you what a b. I have had to not invite friends to events where the list was dictated by my kids' friends and then I invited their friends and their parents and not my closest friends but this does not sound like that. I thought maybe she called to see if you were available and maybe you said you had plans but if she asked you and you said you had no plans then she didn't invite you and then STILL said she had no plans then she sort of sucks!

Last resort question I can think of that may redeem her is 1. Her older kids planned the party and she did not make up the list (yes we did that in highschool for my parents) 2. Husband planned it and made up list to surprise her

If neither of these things then yes she sucks as a friend and I suggest you don't mention it and keep it friendly with her but know that she did this and start to look for other friends that are better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me not so long ago. It really sent me down a shame spiral. But I got out of it in part by thinking about Mel robbins’ let them theory. Look it up — she even talks about being left out of a mom vacation as an example. The person who left me out is decently friendly to me still and I just react as I would to a casual friend. Definitely never said anything about the party an never will.

Op here. Thank you! I will not be saying anything about the party if she calls me.

To another PP who asked what milestone event - it was their anniversary party. I guess that's why I felt hurt - that the new friends were invited and us left out. If this was a casual party I would not have cared because everyone cannot be invited to every party. I honestly don't know why she even bothered to call me just a few days prior. This was definitely not an oversight. She asked my what my weekend plans were.

Our spouses are friends too, kids are friends even if different ages.

What threw me off was we had invited her family just a few months ago and everything seemed fine. We have been chatting a lot by phone too since then.

what did you say your plans were?

I said we had no real plans so will be doing some clean up in the house.

Did you ask her what her plans were?

Op here. Of course I did. She said she had no plans either and was catching up on errands.

I feel hurt because she said this and then had this party.

Thread changer!

[Anonymous]

Nah, with all the updates I’d be moving away from the friendship. No reason not to stay friends with the people she invited but I’d be keeping things distant with her.

Sorry you are dealing with this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow that’s awful, especially if you introduced her to the friends. I’m sorry, OP. If other mutual friends ask why you weren’t there I would just be honest and say you weren’t invited and had no idea it was happening.

+1 OP, I hope you told your friends who asked that you weren't invited. If they wonder if it was an oversight, then tell them no she even called me a few days before and asked me what my pans were for this weekend. Don't cover for her.

I'm sorry this happened to you. Your friend sounds like a manipulative user. What a weirdo to invite brand new friends to her small anniversary party, especially while leaving out the longer term friends - including the one who introduced her to the new friends. Then she calls you and asks you about your weekend! What a hostile move. She's excluding you then trying to find out if you know about the party and also trying to keep you friendly and neutralized while she makes this power play to usurp you.

You should evaluate friends too, not just hope you get a good evaluation from them. She does not merit a good evaluation from you. You already know that she's a social climber, so she never deserved to be trusted. Don't say anything to her about this. She'll use it against you. Don't reach out to her. If she reaches out to you, then wait a little while before responding with something short and non-committal. Make plans with your friends without her.

Your friends who she invited did nothing wrong. They merely accepted an invitation to a party that they assumed you were also invited too. Keep up the friendships with them. Don't let some jerk make you feel shamed into retreating.

In the future, don't introduce groups of friends to each other. That way you have other people to do stuff with if things get rocky with one friend or group. Also start evaluating people and determining whether they meet your standards. It's ok to put people in the "friendly acquaintance" bucket and not get too close if you see negative signs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry that happened to you. I’ve had it happen and it feels horrible. I am no longer close with those people. If it were me, I would be straightforward and ask why I wasn’t invited and express how it made me feel. That’s what I did and was given some lame excuse which is what lead to me distancing myself from those relationships…some of which were 25 year old friendships. I then started to evaluate the friendships and realized they had been unkind to me in many ways over the years and I was always overlooking the behavior.

I would suggest just asking why. The answer may speak more than their words.

+1

Personally, I couldn't deal with not knowing what the issue is so I would rather know and then make decisions about the relationships going forward than be wondering forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It think the long phone call was a way for your friend to keep the friendship alive. I don't think she wants to ditch you, but evidently, she can't handle too many at dinner all at once.

This- friends have an order and a sequence and you keep some warm and tend to others at different times. Unless you have a ballroom (!!) nobody can entertain at once.

Also, sad to say that reciprocity plays a huge role. Have you hosted her within the last year?

When we do parties we either go big and knock out all "obligations" at once (yes it's currency). When we have an intimate dinner party, we factor in who has invited us, which couples get along and who we genuinely want to see. Sometimes you don't make the cut. I'm sure we don't make the cut often at all but I'm not on SM and my friends are discreet so I don't know and don't care!

Agreed on this. We host large, medium, and small things all the time, and for something like a sit down dinner we need to limit the headcount. Another thing we take into account is children because we have one couple friend we like but whose kids are a lot younger than ours, so sometimes that affects the group dynamic.

However, I also think OP should ask the friend if there is something wrong. I would want to know.

[Anonymous]

f her and move on. Have your own party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would say, "hey, what's up? You have a party and you invite X, and Y, and Z. And you don't invite me? You call and pretend all is ok. And never mention it? What the h*ll is going on?"

If the relationship is going down in flames anyway, don't let this happen with you staying silent. I think. Imo, that's what I would do. I'd rather "go out" mad and feeling more empowered.

I think you can nicely ask if there is an issue. No need to come out swinging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let yourself be upset for a day or two, and then brush it off and focus on the friends who do want you in their lives. Maybe you think the two of you are closer than she thinks.

Thank you. I'm an introvert and it took me years to form these friendships. I have 1 other friend who lives a bit further away who I think still wants me in her life. But other than that it was these friends. I think I should just focus on my family more to fill the void.

Why don't you want to ask her what's going on? If she called to talk to you, she doesn't dislike you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say, "hey, what's up? You have a party and you invite X, and Y, and Z. And you don't invite me? You call and pretend all is ok. And never mention it? What the h*ll is going on?"

If the relationship is going down in flames anyway, don't let this happen with you staying silent. I think. Imo, that's what I would do. I'd rather "go out" mad and feeling more empowered.

Wouldn't that be confrontational and make you look like trouble maker?

Yes. This person clearly doesn't have that many friendships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would say, "hey, what's up? You have a party and you invite X, and Y, and Z. And you don't invite me? You call and pretend all is ok. And never mention it? What the h*ll is going on?"

If the relationship is going down in flames anyway, don't let this happen with you staying silent. I think. Imo, that's what I would do. I'd rather "go out" mad and feeling more empowered.

No one should be feel obligated to invite you just because you introduced them.

I have been the excluded one and I found later why but the point is I never expected one and ultimately I realized we weren't friends

Why?

[Anonymous]

Was it a religious or cultural event for a specific ethnicity?

[Anonymous]

I would definitely not ask about it. It's embarassing! This is someone who lied to your face. I had a feeling when you posted that it was about more than just not being invited, and it was. I cannot stand people who do power plays, like some sort of high school mean girls. Never actually encountered this til by mid-30s though. Confronting her would probably make her feel happy, then she'd gossip about it...No. Have dignity and distance yourself and focus on actual good friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It think the long phone call was a way for your friend to keep the friendship alive. I don't think she wants to ditch you, but evidently, she can't handle too many at dinner all at once.

This- friends have an order and a sequence and you keep some warm and tend to others at different times. Unless you have a ballroom (!!) nobody can entertain at once.

Also, sad to say that reciprocity plays a huge role. Have you hosted her within the last year?

When we do parties we either go big and knock out all "obligations" at once (yes it's currency). When we have an intimate dinner party, we factor in who has invited us, which couples get along and who we genuinely want to see. Sometimes you don't make the cut. I'm sure we don't make the cut often at all but I'm not on SM and my friends are discreet so I don't know and don't care!

I know this PP is just being honest but what a sad commentary on how many people approach friendships and socializing

What’s so sad about it? Some people have more friends than they can tend to on a regular basis and have to do some prioritizing.