Grey divorces

[Anonymous]

^ I see so many couples playing pickleball every weekend morning and many weekend nights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I play pickleball, the H are not there.
I dine out, the H are not there
I vacation with friends, the H are not there
Most my friends are wealthy.

Men slow down faster than women even men of the same age. They will go to a 4th of july party or maybe superbowl sunday. But week by week, they are not doing anything together.

Also, my most happy friend's H just got a new job with a bad commute and she is encouraging him to buy a condo close to work so he doesn't have to deal with traffic on his work in the office day.. they have money to burn... his response "that would make you happy wouldn't it"... wait she is thinking of you. This is "happy: when you empty nest.

You keep making blanket statements about how all couples are, what all couples do, and now about how men are as they age. My earlier post was meant to point out that your experience, although expressed as an absolute universal one, is definitely not. You just clearly have a different kind of friend group than my spouse and I do - we have seven different couples that we vacation with every year, four from the DMV, and none of them have the kind of (crappy) relationship you describe. I’m sorry all those women are not in fulfilling relationships, but it’s pretty unlikely that in each case it’s the husband’s problem (I’m a woman, btw).

You are lucky/blessed/picked a good partner. How many of your happily married friends have had to work through significant life events or conflicts, like infidelity, the death of a child, bankruptcy, addiction, blended family situations, etc? How many have significant value conflicts over money, religion, sex, parenting, or family of origin issues? I feel like marriage is sooo hard, and the ones that make it share some key commonalities, including foremost shared values, but also, many come from high-functioning families, where their parents modeled a good marriage for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^interesting guy*

I feel sorry for your dad. You obviously don't like him and never did.

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My youngest is in college, and I only know of two recent divorces among my friend group: one was a marriage that has visibly foundered for years, and one was a couple that had always lived somewhat separate lives (e.g, they still had separate bank accounts). I don't know of any divorces among couples that seem happily married.

Interesting...I'm pushing 60 and I don't know 1 person in a "happy marriage". The thing is people have to be completely miserable to divorce. But "happy" nope. Happy life, yes... but how much the marriage contributes to the happiness I just don't see it.

Most live separately together.

Sounds like you hang out with a bunch of losers.

I'm 58 and not a single person in my 8 person HS group or my 5 person college group has divorced. All are incredibly happy with their relationships and are vocal about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also think sometimes couples just have very different needs and perceptions of whether a marriage is "happy" or not. I have friends who are now getting divorced who were married for three decades. She thinks they were happy and is baffled. He thinks he's been unhappy for at least two of the last three decades and stayed because of the kids. They both agree marriage was mostly sexless. She thought that was fine and they were both okay with it. He thought it was not fine and he was lonely. She thought he was easygoing because he always let her get her way. He thought she was controlling because she got pissed off when he did not do what she wanted.

I think both of them have crappy communication skills and took each other for granted: it's like they never actually sat down and had a conversation about what they each wanted and needed, what was working, what was not. Maybe they could have made it a good and enduring marriage if they had talked about those things decades ago. They're both decent people. I don't think either of them hates the other or behaved abusively or badly. I think they just somehow managed to go through decades of marriage without actually talking about what they wanted. Which is mind-blowing.

So now she is shocked and mad and he is relieved to be out but wracked by guilt. I suspect they will both get over it and they will each find someone better suited. I just hope they have both become learned some lessons during the process. I definitely don't think they should have stayed together, though: the marriage was built on a set of mutual false assumptions.

Obviously you know these people and I don’t, but I think women who never have sex with a willing husband are either extremely stupid or don’t care about their husband’s happiness and then express “confusion” to their friends as a cover when their husbands leave. Have these women never met a man? Why on earth do they think their husbands would be happy with no sex? They actually don’t care about the person they are living with or are too stupid to be married.

A study was done on this and it's because the men are mean to their wives. The study wasn't even to find why women were not having sex, the study was to find a drug like Viagra. In the end, the researchers said "there is not drug on earth that will help women have sex with an a-hole".

If your wife isn't having sex look in the mirror.

LOL. Another woman spouting off about how they are all blameless.

[Anonymous]

I found that it moved through the men in my DH’s circle like a contagion. The first divorce had an affair that triggered it, but the rest all screamed post-midlife crisis. It just took a tiny bit of social permission for a good 50% of his college friend group to divorce their wives in the course of a few years. The crazy thing was that the men apparently talked to each other about it but mostly didn’t acknowledge it in larger social gatherings that we had over the course of those years. It made opening Christmas cards a wild ride.

From what I understand it is very unusual for men to file when both partners have college educations or more, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I found that it moved through the men in my DH’s circle like a contagion. The first divorce had an affair that triggered it, but the rest all screamed post-midlife crisis. It just took a tiny bit of social permission for a good 50% of his college friend group to divorce their wives in the course of a few years. The crazy thing was that the men apparently talked to each other about it but mostly didn’t acknowledge it in larger social gatherings that we had over the course of those years. It made opening Christmas cards a wild ride.

From what I understand it is very unusual for men to file when both partners have college educations or more, too.

I think men in their 50s want to have their cake and eat it too (the benefits of an intact family and a loving wife, plus a side piece), so when we see that women file more often, it could be because their wives aren't willing to tolerate cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I play pickleball, the H are not there.
I dine out, the H are not there
I vacation with friends, the H are not there
Most my friends are wealthy.

Men slow down faster than women even men of the same age. They will go to a 4th of july party or maybe superbowl sunday. But week by week, they are not doing anything together.

Also, my most happy friend's H just got a new job with a bad commute and she is encouraging him to buy a condo close to work so he doesn't have to deal with traffic on his work in the office day.. they have money to burn... his response "that would make you happy wouldn't it"... wait she is thinking of you. This is "happy: when you empty nest.

You keep making blanket statements about how all couples are, what all couples do, and now about how men are as they age. My earlier post was meant to point out that your experience, although expressed as an absolute universal one, is definitely not. You just clearly have a different kind of friend group than my spouse and I do - we have seven different couples that we vacation with every year, four from the DMV, and none of them have the kind of (crappy) relationship you describe. I’m sorry all those women are not in fulfilling relationships, but it’s pretty unlikely that in each case it’s the husband’s problem (I’m a woman, btw).

No I am not. I am talking about what the statistics are showing. Gray divorces are up. Older couples spend less time together.

You are looking at your tiny life with blinders on.

I never said it was the husbands problem ... though 2 are disabled. I have a lot more than 7 friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I play pickleball, the H are not there.
I dine out, the H are not there
I vacation with friends, the H are not there
Most my friends are wealthy.

Men slow down faster than women even men of the same age. They will go to a 4th of july party or maybe superbowl sunday. But week by week, they are not doing anything together.

Also, my most happy friend's H just got a new job with a bad commute and she is encouraging him to buy a condo close to work so he doesn't have to deal with traffic on his work in the office day.. they have money to burn... his response "that would make you happy wouldn't it"... wait she is thinking of you. This is "happy: when you empty nest.

The DHs are working while you play pickleball, dine out, and vacation. So, week by week, they are still at the office slugging it out.

Most men would slow down less if they worked less.

I work full time and make as much as most husbands so I'm not playing during the day. My friends that don't work are retired. My friends are doctors, lawyers, real estate agents, engineers (like me).

Some of the H's are disable, some are retired, some still work. But they are not slugging it out at the office. They work at home, go to the gym, play golf and pickleball just not with their wives.

Many are just happy to sit in front of their TV Th-M watching sports now that football is back .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I play pickleball, the H are not there.
I dine out, the H are not there
I vacation with friends, the H are not there
Most my friends are wealthy.

Men slow down faster than women even men of the same age. They will go to a 4th of july party or maybe superbowl sunday. But week by week, they are not doing anything together.

Also, my most happy friend's H just got a new job with a bad commute and she is encouraging him to buy a condo close to work so he doesn't have to deal with traffic on his work in the office day.. they have money to burn... his response "that would make you happy wouldn't it"... wait she is thinking of you. This is "happy: when you empty nest.

You keep making blanket statements about how all couples are, what all couples do, and now about how men are as they age. My earlier post was meant to point out that your experience, although expressed as an absolute universal one, is definitely not. You just clearly have a different kind of friend group than my spouse and I do - we have seven different couples that we vacation with every year, four from the DMV, and none of them have the kind of (crappy) relationship you describe. I’m sorry all those women are not in fulfilling relationships, but it’s pretty unlikely that in each case it’s the husband’s problem (I’m a woman, btw).

You are lucky/blessed/picked a good partner. How many of your happily married friends have had to work through significant life events or conflicts, like infidelity, the death of a child, bankruptcy, addiction, blended family situations, etc? How many have significant value conflicts over money, religion, sex, parenting, or family of origin issues? I feel like marriage is sooo hard, and the ones that make it share some key commonalities, including foremost shared values, but also, many come from high-functioning families, where their parents modeled a good marriage for them.

Your talking to somebody who has friends that clearly don't feel comfortable sharing their real life with her. She probably just has acquaintances and calls them friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also think sometimes couples just have very different needs and perceptions of whether a marriage is "happy" or not. I have friends who are now getting divorced who were married for three decades. She thinks they were happy and is baffled. He thinks he's been unhappy for at least two of the last three decades and stayed because of the kids. They both agree marriage was mostly sexless. She thought that was fine and they were both okay with it. He thought it was not fine and he was lonely. She thought he was easygoing because he always let her get her way. He thought she was controlling because she got pissed off when he did not do what she wanted.

I think both of them have crappy communication skills and took each other for granted: it's like they never actually sat down and had a conversation about what they each wanted and needed, what was working, what was not. Maybe they could have made it a good and enduring marriage if they had talked about those things decades ago. They're both decent people. I don't think either of them hates the other or behaved abusively or badly. I think they just somehow managed to go through decades of marriage without actually talking about what they wanted. Which is mind-blowing.

So now she is shocked and mad and he is relieved to be out but wracked by guilt. I suspect they will both get over it and they will each find someone better suited. I just hope they have both become learned some lessons during the process. I definitely don't think they should have stayed together, though: the marriage was built on a set of mutual false assumptions.

Obviously you know these people and I don’t, but I think women who never have sex with a willing husband are either extremely stupid or don’t care about their husband’s happiness and then express “confusion” to their friends as a cover when their husbands leave. Have these women never met a man? Why on earth do they think their husbands would be happy with no sex? They actually don’t care about the person they are living with or are too stupid to be married.

A study was done on this and it's because the men are mean to their wives. The study wasn't even to find why women were not having sex, the study was to find a drug like Viagra. In the end, the researchers said "there is not drug on earth that will help women have sex with an a-hole".

If your wife isn't having sex look in the mirror.

LOL. Another woman spouting off about how they are all blameless.

I'm talking about a scientific study. But... you sure are defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I play pickleball, the H are not there.
I dine out, the H are not there
I vacation with friends, the H are not there
Most my friends are wealthy.

Men slow down faster than women even men of the same age. They will go to a 4th of july party or maybe superbowl sunday. But week by week, they are not doing anything together.

Also, my most happy friend's H just got a new job with a bad commute and she is encouraging him to buy a condo close to work so he doesn't have to deal with traffic on his work in the office day.. they have money to burn... his response "that would make you happy wouldn't it"... wait she is thinking of you. This is "happy: when you empty nest.

The DHs are working while you play pickleball, dine out, and vacation. So, week by week, they are still at the office slugging it out.

Most men would slow down less if they worked less.

I work full time and make as much as most husbands so I'm not playing during the day. My friends that don't work are retired. My friends are doctors, lawyers, real estate agents, engineers (like me).

Some of the H's are disable, some are retired, some still work. But they are not slugging it out at the office. They work at home, go to the gym, play golf and pickleball just not with their wives.

Many are just happy to sit in front of their TV Th-M watching sports now that football is back .

This is the type of moronic stuff that keeps me coming back to DCUM every years.

Yes, Virginia, all men sit on a couch four days a week watching sports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I also think sometimes couples just have very different needs and perceptions of whether a marriage is "happy" or not. I have friends who are now getting divorced who were married for three decades. She thinks they were happy and is baffled. He thinks he's been unhappy for at least two of the last three decades and stayed because of the kids. They both agree marriage was mostly sexless. She thought that was fine and they were both okay with it. He thought it was not fine and he was lonely. She thought he was easygoing because he always let her get her way. He thought she was controlling because she got pissed off when he did not do what she wanted.

I think both of them have crappy communication skills and took each other for granted: it's like they never actually sat down and had a conversation about what they each wanted and needed, what was working, what was not. Maybe they could have made it a good and enduring marriage if they had talked about those things decades ago. They're both decent people. I don't think either of them hates the other or behaved abusively or badly. I think they just somehow managed to go through decades of marriage without actually talking about what they wanted. Which is mind-blowing.

So now she is shocked and mad and he is relieved to be out but wracked by guilt. I suspect they will both get over it and they will each find someone better suited. I just hope they have both become learned some lessons during the process. I definitely don't think they should have stayed together, though: the marriage was built on a set of mutual false assumptions.

Obviously you know these people and I don’t, but I think women who never have sex with a willing husband are either extremely stupid or don’t care about their husband’s happiness and then express “confusion” to their friends as a cover when their husbands leave. Have these women never met a man? Why on earth do they think their husbands would be happy with no sex? They actually don’t care about the person they are living with or are too stupid to be married.

A study was done on this and it's because the men are mean to their wives. The study wasn't even to find why women were not having sex, the study was to find a drug like Viagra. In the end, the researchers said "there is not drug on earth that will help women have sex with an a-hole".

If your wife isn't having sex look in the mirror.

LOL. Another woman spouting off about how they are all blameless.

I'm talking about a scientific study. But... you sure are defensive.

Couldn't have proved my point better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I play pickleball, the H are not there.
I dine out, the H are not there
I vacation with friends, the H are not there
Most my friends are wealthy.

Men slow down faster than women even men of the same age. They will go to a 4th of july party or maybe superbowl sunday. But week by week, they are not doing anything together.

Also, my most happy friend's H just got a new job with a bad commute and she is encouraging him to buy a condo close to work so he doesn't have to deal with traffic on his work in the office day.. they have money to burn... his response "that would make you happy wouldn't it"... wait she is thinking of you. This is "happy: when you empty nest.

You keep making blanket statements about how all couples are, what all couples do, and now about how men are as they age. My earlier post was meant to point out that your experience, although expressed as an absolute universal one, is definitely not. You just clearly have a different kind of friend group than my spouse and I do - we have seven different couples that we vacation with every year, four from the DMV, and none of them have the kind of (crappy) relationship you describe. I’m sorry all those women are not in fulfilling relationships, but it’s pretty unlikely that in each case it’s the husband’s problem (I’m a woman, btw).

You are lucky/blessed/picked a good partner. How many of your happily married friends have had to work through significant life events or conflicts, like infidelity, the death of a child, bankruptcy, addiction, blended family situations, etc? How many have significant value conflicts over money, religion, sex, parenting, or family of origin issues? I feel like marriage is sooo hard, and the ones that make it share some key commonalities, including foremost shared values, but also, many come from high-functioning families, where their parents modeled a good marriage for them.

Your talking to somebody who has friends that clearly don't feel comfortable sharing their real life with her. She probably just has acquaintances and calls them friends.

Hve you ever, in your entire life, considered the possibility that you have no clue what you are talking about?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think it's considered gray divorce until you're over 60. Divorce with high school kids is just divorce.

Gray divorce refers to a divorce where at least one spouse is 50 years or older, a trend characterized by a doubling of divorces among those 50 and over since 1990. This rise in gray divorce is attributed to several factors, including increased longevity, greater cultural acceptance of divorce, more financial independence for women, and higher expectations within relationships.