Eye-opening new study on the harms of divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that marrying a quality person and being a thoughtful spouse has a 100% success rate. There are no people on either side of the family that are divorced.

I know so many people who made the same gloating statements and ended up divorced.

This. How old are you, OP?

Late 50’s, semi-retired and married for 30+ years with wonderful children. Both sets of parents are still alive and happily married. All of the grandparents were happily married until they passed away. Our kids seem to be in healthy relationships.

Actual OP here and I am none of those things. PP, why would you respond as OP? The question was for OP.

I’m OP and I’m mid-40s, DH and I both work, 2 kids. I am a child of divorce and it had a huge impact on me and on my sister (I was 4, she was 7 at the time of divorce). DH’s parents still married. He and his sister had an easier time of absolutely everything. Divorce still impacts our lives for holidays and stuff. We’re closer to DH’s parents because there’s less fuss and expectation vs. my mom/stepfather and my dad/steopmom. They each also have kids so it’s a holiday mess. Lots of things are more complicated. I am by no means unaware of the fact that in some cases, divorce is truly necessary and better for absolutely everyone. But it IS taken way too lightly, and frankly selfish parents just say kids are resilient, now you have two Christmases blah blah blah because they refuse to take responsibility for the fact that they messed their kids up and imploded a family.

It is almost always one person is dissatisfied with the marriage and no longer wants to be with the spouse. One person has an affair and they divorce. Other option is that one person wants to date other people and they divorce. The other married couples seem relatively unhappy.

We are in our late forties and we are doing well and most people would say that we are a perfect couple and familiy. The bar is so low!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what some of the smug posters don’t want to admit is a lot of what is referenced in the article doesn’t apply to your average dcum-er. I am one of the posters who was left and my child and I were able to stay in the family home. We worked out a financial agreement such that nothing in my child’s life has changed, aside from seeing his dad less (I am not discounting this, of course this matters, and I feel bad about it all the time -hope you’re happy op, you smug smug little so and so) he still is doing the same activities and still has the same level of family involvement with me going to everything (book fair, games and practices), along with involved grandparents.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t think my kid is going to have a worse outcome than the kid his age up the street who has two married parents. I guess the other mom might look at me and inwardly feel smug because she’s got a big ring on her finger and I don’t but my kid is doing fine!

Nothing changed, aside from seeing dad left? Such a typical Divorce is No Big Deal response.

-Having to shuttle between two households
-Having to say no to friends because “I can’t, it’s my dad’s weekend,” blah blah
-Awkwardness with holidays, graduations, weddings, visits and vacations now and in the future
-Not having a healthy marriage as a model growing up, leading to potentially problematic relationships in the future

And, according to this study, some very serious increased likelihood of significant hurdles in the future. You don’t have to like it, but it is a big deal.

Again, the article mainly talked about worse outcomes due to poverty. Most people posting on dcum aren’t in poverty so they aren’t dealing with that aspect of it. Try to look within yourself and figure out why you need to crap on single moms and why you so badly need to feel superior. It’s a really bad look. My kid is fine, are yours?

Not everything is about money. Parents are also shown to work more following a divorce, and due to remarriage, time is further split with blended families. But OK, divorce only affects finances. OK, whatever you say!

Serious question, what would you like me to do? Shall I pack my kid into the car and head over to his apartment and beg him in front of his girlfriend to “come home” and be a family again? Or maybe I should remain positive and try to provide the best upbringing I can.

Hi, it’s me, an adult product if divorce. We’d simply like acknowledgement that it is painful instead of being told how resilient we are and how great it is to have two bedrooms and two Christmases.

And I think peers should stop lying to peers. I’ve seen just 2-3 DCUM posters actually be fully honest about the hardships and regret. Everyone else is quick to chirp “divorce” as a magic solution.

Please get therapy. I have never, ever told my kid how resilient he is or how great it is to have two bedrooms or two christmases. If they express sadness about not having dad at home anymore I validate those feelings. But this isn't actually about the kids, this is about the smug marrieds feeling better about themselves.

Ding ding ding! That is actually the “smug marrieds” point. NOTHING is ever about the kids for people like you.

This is such a crazy take. I and most single moms I know pretty much dedicate all of our time not spent working to parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what some of the smug posters don’t want to admit is a lot of what is referenced in the article doesn’t apply to your average dcum-er. I am one of the posters who was left and my child and I were able to stay in the family home. We worked out a financial agreement such that nothing in my child’s life has changed, aside from seeing his dad less (I am not discounting this, of course this matters, and I feel bad about it all the time -hope you’re happy op, you smug smug little so and so) he still is doing the same activities and still has the same level of family involvement with me going to everything (book fair, games and practices), along with involved grandparents.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t think my kid is going to have a worse outcome than the kid his age up the street who has two married parents. I guess the other mom might look at me and inwardly feel smug because she’s got a big ring on her finger and I don’t but my kid is doing fine!

Nothing changed, aside from seeing dad left? Such a typical Divorce is No Big Deal response.

-Having to shuttle between two households
-Having to say no to friends because “I can’t, it’s my dad’s weekend,” blah blah
-Awkwardness with holidays, graduations, weddings, visits and vacations now and in the future
-Not having a healthy marriage as a model growing up, leading to potentially problematic relationships in the future

And, according to this study, some very serious increased likelihood of significant hurdles in the future. You don’t have to like it, but it is a big deal.

Again, the article mainly talked about worse outcomes due to poverty. Most people posting on dcum aren’t in poverty so they aren’t dealing with that aspect of it. Try to look within yourself and figure out why you need to crap on single moms and why you so badly need to feel superior. It’s a really bad look. My kid is fine, are yours?

Not everything is about money. Parents are also shown to work more following a divorce, and due to remarriage, time is further split with blended families. But OK, divorce only affects finances. OK, whatever you say!

Serious question, what would you like me to do? Shall I pack my kid into the car and head over to his apartment and beg him in front of his girlfriend to “come home” and be a family again? Or maybe I should remain positive and try to provide the best upbringing I can.

Hi, it’s me, an adult product if divorce. We’d simply like acknowledgement that it is painful instead of being told how resilient we are and how great it is to have two bedrooms and two Christmases.

And I think peers should stop lying to peers. I’ve seen just 2-3 DCUM posters actually be fully honest about the hardships and regret. Everyone else is quick to chirp “divorce” as a magic solution.

Please get therapy. I have never, ever told my kid how resilient he is or how great it is to have two bedrooms or two christmases. If they express sadness about not having dad at home anymore I validate those feelings. But this isn't actually about the kids, this is about the smug marrieds feeling better about themselves.

Ding ding ding! That is actually the “smug marrieds” point. NOTHING is ever about the kids for people like you.

This is such a crazy take. I and most single moms I know pretty much dedicate all of our time not spent working to parenting.

…which is an unhealthy dynamic for everyone, which perhaps not enough people consider before they decide to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know any divorced parents who are good parents. It's an inherently selfish choice and it shows in how they treat their children.

I know a bunch. This is myopic.

That was the most insane comment I’ve ever seen. I’ve also seen a bunch of fantastic divorced parents, including my mom.
It’s much more damaging to kids to stay in a toxic relationship than to get divorced.

[Anonymous]

I'm happily married but the reason these poorly controlled studies frustrate me is because there are pushes to limit divorce rights in certain states which in reality amount to attacks on women's autonomy. Divorce rates among millennials are actually significantly lower than previous generations, so acting like there's a divorce crisis also isn't supported by data.

So when you see a study that blames divorce but doesn't have a proper control, you question the motivations and what this "study" might get used for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know any divorced parents who are good parents. It's an inherently selfish choice and it shows in how they treat their children.

I know a bunch. This is myopic.

That was the most insane comment I’ve ever seen. I’ve also seen a bunch of fantastic divorced parents, including my mom.
It’s much more damaging to kids to stay in a toxic relationship than to get divorced.

It’s probably more damaging to kids to have a mom who can’t read. The study which this entire topic is about says the exact opposite.

[Anonymous]

I think they should do a study on children of divorce where the divorced parents have subsequent children, because my anecdotal evidence is that seems to make a big difference.

[Anonymous]

honestly think about all the older people you know who once the spouse dies-all the truth about how horrible they were to the other person comes out. Many people who stay married are not actually doing it because they want to/are happy. They are doing it for their kids and so they don’t have to deal with the logistical nightmare of it all.

And I think younger people see this and decide that they don’t want that. They don’t want to waste their whole lives unhappy just to save themselves a few tough years.

My in-laws have stayed married for logistics. My mil is clearly miserable with him. I don’t really consider that something to be proud of.

I’m married and we are ok but I never say never.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think they should do a study on children of divorce where the divorced parents have subsequent children, because my anecdotal evidence is that seems to make a big difference.

Agree with this. I think the extra kids/step parent dynamics are a whole different thing and that I can absolutely see damaging children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:honestly think about all the older people you know who once the spouse dies-all the truth about how horrible they were to the other person comes out. Many people who stay married are not actually doing it because they want to/are happy. They are doing it for their kids and so they don’t have to deal with the logistical nightmare of it all.

And I think younger people see this and decide that they don’t want that. They don’t want to waste their whole lives unhappy just to save themselves a few tough years.

My in-laws have stayed married for logistics. My mil is clearly miserable with him. I don’t really consider that something to be proud of.

I’m married and we are ok but I never say never.

They’re staying married for the sake of the kids (because honestly, kids don’t care if mommy and daddy are living their best lives together and it’s not their job to care) - not to avoid unpleasant logistics for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:honestly think about all the older people you know who once the spouse dies-all the truth about how horrible they were to the other person comes out. Many people who stay married are not actually doing it because they want to/are happy. They are doing it for their kids and so they don’t have to deal with the logistical nightmare of it all.

And I think younger people see this and decide that they don’t want that. They don’t want to waste their whole lives unhappy just to save themselves a few tough years.

My in-laws have stayed married for logistics. My mil is clearly miserable with him. I don’t really consider that something to be proud of.

I’m married and we are ok but I never say never.

They’re staying married for the sake of the kids (because honestly, kids don’t care if mommy and daddy are living their best lives together and it’s not their job to care) - not to avoid unpleasant logistics for themselves.

you still think it’s about the kids when the kids are in their 30s/40s? no it’s because they don’t want to deal with everything that comes with divorce at this point.

[Anonymous]

Obviously there are situations where abuse dictates the need for divorce, and those kids probably flourish after separation. I think this study is dealing with parents who are not in abusive situations, who convince themselves their kids are fine if they divorce out of boredom or midlife crisis.
Remember, some parents don’t choose divorce, it is forced on them. But those who are left with the kids have to put those kids first and do the work of two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think what some of the smug posters don’t want to admit is a lot of what is referenced in the article doesn’t apply to your average dcum-er. I am one of the posters who was left and my child and I were able to stay in the family home. We worked out a financial agreement such that nothing in my child’s life has changed, aside from seeing his dad less (I am not discounting this, of course this matters, and I feel bad about it all the time -hope you’re happy op, you smug smug little so and so) he still is doing the same activities and still has the same level of family involvement with me going to everything (book fair, games and practices), along with involved grandparents.

I’m going to be honest, I don’t think my kid is going to have a worse outcome than the kid his age up the street who has two married parents. I guess the other mom might look at me and inwardly feel smug because she’s got a big ring on her finger and I don’t but my kid is doing fine!

Nothing changed, aside from seeing dad left? Such a typical Divorce is No Big Deal response.

-Having to shuttle between two households
-Having to say no to friends because “I can’t, it’s my dad’s weekend,” blah blah
-Awkwardness with holidays, graduations, weddings, visits and vacations now and in the future
-Not having a healthy marriage as a model growing up, leading to potentially problematic relationships in the future

And, according to this study, some very serious increased likelihood of significant hurdles in the future. You don’t have to like it, but it is a big deal.

Again, the article mainly talked about worse outcomes due to poverty. Most people posting on dcum aren’t in poverty so they aren’t dealing with that aspect of it. Try to look within yourself and figure out why you need to crap on single moms and why you so badly need to feel superior. It’s a really bad look. My kid is fine, are yours?

Not everything is about money. Parents are also shown to work more following a divorce, and due to remarriage, time is further split with blended families. But OK, divorce only affects finances. OK, whatever you say!

Serious question, what would you like me to do? Shall I pack my kid into the car and head over to his apartment and beg him in front of his girlfriend to “come home” and be a family again? Or maybe I should remain positive and try to provide the best upbringing I can.

Hi, it’s me, an adult product if divorce. We’d simply like acknowledgement that it is painful instead of being told how resilient we are and how great it is to have two bedrooms and two Christmases.

And I think peers should stop lying to peers. I’ve seen just 2-3 DCUM posters actually be fully honest about the hardships and regret. Everyone else is quick to chirp “divorce” as a magic solution.

Please get therapy. I have never, ever told my kid how resilient he is or how great it is to have two bedrooms or two christmases. If they express sadness about not having dad at home anymore I validate those feelings. But this isn't actually about the kids, this is about the smug marrieds feeling better about themselves.

Ding ding ding! That is actually the “smug marrieds” point. NOTHING is ever about the kids for people like you.

This is such a crazy take. I and most single moms I know pretty much dedicate all of our time not spent working to parenting.

…which is an unhealthy dynamic for everyone, which perhaps not enough people consider before they decide to divorce.

Good lord there is no way to win with you people! my child needs at least one parent who is dedicated to parenting and putting him first and that’s got to be me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm happily married but the reason these poorly controlled studies frustrate me is because there are pushes to limit divorce rights in certain states which in reality amount to attacks on women's autonomy. Divorce rates among millennials are actually significantly lower than previous generations, so acting like there's a divorce crisis also isn't supported by data.

So when you see a study that blames divorce but doesn't have a proper control, you question the motivations and what this "study" might get used for.

Yes!!! Some of these attitudes give handmaids tale vibes and it’s quite disturbing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't know any divorced parents who are good parents. It's an inherently selfish choice and it shows in how they treat their children.

I know a bunch. This is myopic.

That was the most insane comment I’ve ever seen. I’ve also seen a bunch of fantastic divorced parents, including my mom.
It’s much more damaging to kids to stay in a toxic relationship than to get divorced.

It’s probably more damaging to kids to have a mom who can’t read. The study which this entire topic is about says the exact opposite.

You can believe every study out there if you want but it’s kind of like trusting every poll that comes out there, and we know how that worked out.
You’re not going to convince me that if the father is an abuser, that having your kids witness that and staying in the marriage, benefits them. No way. No thanks