Are there really men whose dream it is to have their wife not need to work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please make sure you have your own retirement savings. So many women I know were SAHMs until divorce happened.

You should get half of his retirement savings in a divorce. The bigger issue would be lack of current income.

People live a long time. 1/2 retirement is not enough to live on/retire on for a woman in her 50s faced with entering the job market for the first time in over 25 years.

I have a parent in assisted living. You have no idea how expensive those places are--my mom can afford it on her own retirement + my dad's pension after he died. I can't imagine how women left stranded could make retirement/old age work...it's of epidemic proportions--elderly care and lack of housing and the astronomical expense. Americans are ill-prepared.

THIS. 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes

I worked my but off to make it so my spouse would not have to work. I don't wish working upon anyone, why would I want my house to have to work?

Having one spouse not working makes everything easier. Life logistics, events, travel.

I feel that our relationship has also benefited tremendously. Lunch/day dates are great. Even just going to the grocery store in the middle of the day when we feel like instead of cramming it into a busy weekend or late night removes stress and urgency.

Anything that I can do or we can do together to make life (especially DW's) as stress free as possible, I am all in.

Relationship run into issues when one partner thinks because they work they are relieved of all other responsibilities. My wife is better with the hands on stuff. I am better at the big picture stuff. I plan travel, make and go to Dr. appointments, do school pick up and drop off, handle a good chunk of other logistics and life needs.

Well said. The same in my house, married for 19 years, 4 children, we're very happy.

Interdependence is a crucial thing. Independence and dependence are both enemies of happy marriages.

I rely on my wife and think she is priceless and irreplaceable. She relies on me and tells me the same.

You all hedging your bets in case of divorce sound tiresome and miserable. Burn your ships, be all in.

Well, yeah, she would be homeless and have $0 without her work horse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are there women out there that have the same dream for their men? Because I don’t love going to the office every day, and would happily have the choice not to.

I am amazed at how old-fashioned Americans sense of gender roles are compared with my home country.

It's just the greater odds of biology. It is more common (not only and not every, just more common) for a woman after giving birth to a child to want to stay with the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, pls stay home and do everything so I can continue to focus on myself.

That's not how most families with this situation see it or do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m listening to the Happiest Girls podcast by Cate Kulcsar who is a TikToker. She had her husband on the podcast who is a young man. 30 years old or so and who proposed to her when he was 27? He said that his dream is that his wife didn’t need to work but could if she wanted to and to make herself happy. He would like her to have the space and ability to take care of their kids and herself when she’s pregnant.

…like what??? How are there such masculine and generous men out there??? Obviously in this case, he was snatched up so quickly!

How can I find a man like that?

Yeah! Masculine and generous and controlling and misogynistic!

How can you find one? Hit your local mega church.

That is a very narrow minded POV you have there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband wanted me to be his partner and not just the mother of his children. Our children were always our priority but working was very important to me given my education. I would never have married him if his dream was for me not to work. When our children reached preteen age I briefly retired but I quickly went back to work when I found a job that was perfect for me plus allowed me to be in my kids orbit. My husband is very successful and that has created options that many don’t have but I’m lucky that my husband has never done anything but support what I have wanted to do. Once we became empty nesters I went back to work full time and now we are discussing when to retire. He knows I want to start a crafts business so I will never fully retire.

Again, the question isn't if there are men whose dream is to have a SAHM. It's whether there are men whose dream it is to make enough that if their wives wanted to become a SAHM, she could.

The men I've known who dreamed of having a SAHM often were not very high earners -- they just wanted to have a captive woman. OP is talking about something else, a man who aspires to be a really, really good provider to where his wife has choices. This is fundamentally different than what many of you are talking about, which is a man who doesn't want his wife to work because he finds that threatening or thinks it will detract from her mothering/homemaking.

Also, FYI, I am a woman and I aspire to do well enough in my career that my DH could quit his job, because he doesn't like it very much anymore and feels trapped in it. I would love to give him the gift of choosing not to do it anymore. That is not me saying I want him to stay home (I think he'd get quite bored with that after a while and would want to find another way to be productive, but maybe that would be starting a woodworking business or something). It's just me saying I love my DH and I feel bad he is in a job he doesn't like and I would like to lift my income enough to where he could potentially leave it and shift careers.

That is basically what I read OP to be talking about.

Yes, this. They think they can get a tradwife who is basically their mommy (who does everything for them) that they can f**k (when/where ever they want). Super bizarre mentality.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I both have good jobs but we don't work crazy hours (I'm a lawyer but I work for the government, not a firm). Either of us could work insane hours and fully support the whole family very comfortably but by splitting the load we both have jobs where we can go games, or concerts and spend lots of time with the kids.

Much, much rather have a spouse who's a super involved parent than one who works constantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Good lord. What the holy fk is wrong with you people.

Man offers to give foot-rub -> he has a foot fetish.
Man holds door open -> patriarchy!
Man desires comfortable life for spouse -> I don't need you to want something for me!
Man stays home to take care of kids -> You're a lazy ass
Man works his fingers to the bone -> You're a workaholic and have no time for me!
Man is masculine -> Toxic!
Man is feminine -> Too needy!
Man is in-between -> He's so...blah!

Then you wonder why most of the men around you have these hidden mental health issues.

- written by a non-binary person (so I can skate by without getting blamed for anything)

You don't "skate by" because clearly you have issues. Big ones!

Big ones! Big issues! Issues worthy of exclamation points!

[Anonymous]

IME only people who chose their spouse unwisely or lose control of their marriages get divorced. All this hand-wringing...quite telling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IME only people who chose their spouse unwisely or lose control of their marriages get divorced. All this hand-wringing...quite telling.

How old are you? I used to think this until I hit 50 and see some grey divorces. Not mine, but I dont think I'm immune either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please make sure you have your own retirement savings. So many women I know were SAHMs until divorce happened.

You should get half of his retirement savings in a divorce. The bigger issue would be lack of current income.

People live a long time. 1/2 retirement is not enough to live on/retire on for a woman in her 50s faced with entering the job market for the first time in over 25 years.

I have a parent in assisted living. You have no idea how expensive those places are--my mom can afford it on her own retirement + my dad's pension after he died. I can't imagine how women left stranded could make retirement/old age work...it's of epidemic proportions--elderly care and lack of housing and the astronomical expense. Americans are ill-prepared.

THIS. 100%

The problem is lack of affordable elder care and healthcare, which we should be addressing instead of arguing about people’s life choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I both have good jobs but we don't work crazy hours (I'm a lawyer but I work for the government, not a firm). Either of us could work insane hours and fully support the whole family very comfortably but by splitting the load we both have jobs where we can go games, or concerts and spend lots of time with the kids.

Much, much rather have a spouse who's a super involved parent than one who works constantly.

Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please make sure you have your own retirement savings. So many women I know were SAHMs until divorce happened.

You should get half of his retirement savings in a divorce. The bigger issue would be lack of current income.

People live a long time. 1/2 retirement is not enough to live on/retire on for a woman in her 50s faced with entering the job market for the first time in over 25 years.

I have a parent in assisted living. You have no idea how expensive those places are--my mom can afford it on her own retirement + my dad's pension after he died. I can't imagine how women left stranded could make retirement/old age work...it's of epidemic proportions--elderly care and lack of housing and the astronomical expense. Americans are ill-prepared.

THIS. 100%

The problem is lack of affordable elder care and healthcare, which we should be addressing instead of arguing about people’s life choices.

Well not contributing to the workforce at all and expecting handouts is welfare. I’m surrounded by neighbors that stopped working at 28-32 and are 55 and never stepped/leaned back in. So when their husband leaves them- I’m supposed to support them because they chose to never work?

[Anonymous]

I think most men would like to make enough money so their wives have options. But to do that takes income likely north of $400. If the wife also makes $400k it becomes a very difficult decision given the likely lifestyle that they have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I both have good jobs but we don't work crazy hours (I'm a lawyer but I work for the government, not a firm). Either of us could work insane hours and fully support the whole family very comfortably but by splitting the load we both have jobs where we can go games, or concerts and spend lots of time with the kids.

Much, much rather have a spouse who's a super involved parent than one who works constantly.

My wife is a lawyer by training but hasn't worked since we have kids. I am a lawyer in private practice. I work more than if I worked for the govt, but not that much more, and I'm very involved with the kids. It only gets easier the more senior I get. I would guess that overall, we work less in household than you and your spouse do in yours, so we have much more time to spend with our kids (and doing our things when we want to).