If you're anti-nanny but both you and your partner WOH, could you please explain why?

[Anonymous]

We interviewed a few Nannies before deciding for sure on our daycare. None of them had a strong plan to support breastfeeding but my daycare did/does. That doesn’t mean Nannies are bad and daycare is good, it means daycare was better **for us**. The people who are intensely against one or the other have either an axe to grind or a separate agenda.

[Anonymous]

Ok I’ll tell it like it is. Could afford daycare, nanny, and both at the same time. But no one is as competent as me, which is obviously a problem because I’m type A. The best answer would have been to quit and SAHM to raise them myself, but I make too much money to justify walking away from right now, so I’m the annoying working mom who glorifies the SAHM lifestyle and complains about how she can’t “afford” to quit.

The real kicker of course is my kids will turn out better without me around 24/7. Otherwise I’d be helicoptering all over them all day. Maybe a little bit of an inattentive nanny is a good thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We interviewed a few Nannies before deciding for sure on our daycare. None of them had a strong plan to support breastfeeding but my daycare did/does. That doesn’t mean Nannies are bad and daycare is good, it means daycare was better **for us**. The people who are intensely against one or the other have either an axe to grind or a separate agenda.

Totally agree. I am a SAHM with a nanny (so not relevant to this direct topic). But I totally disagree with the people saying most nannies are bad. I was at the playground all the time before I had a nanny and I hung out with the nannies and there were many good, kind women that I learned a lot from. I still see these same nannies at the playground or around town while they are working and they are always attentive and engaged with their kids. Maybe like-minded people just find like-minded people.

Also our nanny worked in our neighborhood for years before coming to our house and we already knew her. She’s wonderful and I’m grateful for her every day.

I don’t doubt the horror stories, but they don’t apply to everyone and it’s silly when people say they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I could ask this exact same question of someone who chose a nanny. Like why would you trust some random person in your house over vetted and accountable group childcare? That sounds insane!!

Because the people working at a childcare facility aren’t vetted any more than someone you hire as a nanny. You have no idea who these people are working at a daycare. You may actually have a better idea of who a nanny is if you hire her through word of mouth.

If you have the means, you will likely end up with a decent nanny who take good care of your child.

It’s so much better for your child to be in his or her own home with 1:1 attention. The child is able to avoid more illnesses and no rush to get out of the house in the morning. Daycare is essentially warehousing your child for the day. Why would you want your kid in storage and not in his or her own home?

Besides DC, I have never lived anywhere else that a person who can afford a nanny would choose daycare. In most places, a nanny is a luxury item and for a reason.

Well at least the daycare workers won't be going into my medicine cabinet and stealing pills (we had a nanny do this), or stealing money from my house (friend's nanny).

Despicable me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I could ask this exact same question of someone who chose a nanny. Like why would you trust some random person in your house over vetted and accountable group childcare? That sounds insane!!

Because the people working at a childcare facility aren’t vetted any more than someone you hire as a nanny. You have no idea who these people are working at a daycare. You may actually have a better idea of who a nanny is if you hire her through word of mouth.

If you have the means, you will likely end up with a decent nanny who take good care of your child.

It’s so much better for your child to be in his or her own home with 1:1 attention. The child is able to avoid more illnesses and no rush to get out of the house in the morning. Daycare is essentially warehousing your child for the day. Why would you want your kid in storage and not in his or her own home?

Besides DC, I have never lived anywhere else that a person who can afford a nanny would choose daycare. In most places, a nanny is a luxury item and for a reason.

That’s because, besides DC, there is a lack of really amazing childcare in the country. But, for example, Smithsonian Preschool is in DC. Why *wouldn’t* you offer your kids that opportunity if it’s available to you?

Disagree. I know many wealthy people and no one sends their kids to daycare in other large US cities. In fact many families have 1 nanny per child!

This!

It's like PP said - anyone can can afford it will buy the best in childcare and education, so nanny and private school. Everyone else is stuck justifying their decision to go second-rate, i.e., put their pocketbook in front of the chd if they can afford it OR they have a tough time admitting thay they can't afford the best. There are a lot of second rate nannies out there, which is why I phrase it this way - if you skimp on costs, including finder's fee, you get second best or maybe you get lucky.

The bolded clause is correct. The one that follows isn’t. Not a lot of people turning down spots at TJ because of the superiority of private school. The Best is not always the most expensive.

+1, there is no one definition of “best.” We spent our money to buy in a sought after public school pyramid. Most of the kids are walking distance from the school, which means a really nice neighborhood community of kids, pickup sports games, impromptu playing outside, bike rides with school friends in the afternoons, etc.

I went to private school as a kid and all my friends were scattered about. I knew it was a hassle for my parents to try to pick me up for an afternoon play date in rush hour traffic so it just didn’t happen often. I basically didn’t see school friends on the weekend and never knew anyone if I signed up for an extracurricular near my house. For me, community is a huge factor for me in deciding what is “best.”

Right now my kids have a fairly idyllic childhood in a walkable neighborhood with tons of friends around and on their little league team. I love that they have this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I could ask this exact same question of someone who chose a nanny. Like why would you trust some random person in your house over vetted and accountable group childcare? That sounds insane!!

Because the people working at a childcare facility aren’t vetted any more than someone you hire as a nanny. You have no idea who these people are working at a daycare. You may actually have a better idea of who a nanny is if you hire her through word of mouth.

If you have the means, you will likely end up with a decent nanny who take good care of your child.

It’s so much better for your child to be in his or her own home with 1:1 attention. The child is able to avoid more illnesses and no rush to get out of the house in the morning. Daycare is essentially warehousing your child for the day. Why would you want your kid in storage and not in his or her own home?

Besides DC, I have never lived anywhere else that a person who can afford a nanny would choose daycare. In most places, a nanny is a luxury item and for a reason.

That’s because, besides DC, there is a lack of really amazing childcare in the country. But, for example, Smithsonian Preschool is in DC. Why *wouldn’t* you offer your kids that opportunity if it’s available to you?

Disagree. I know many wealthy people and no one sends their kids to daycare in other large US cities. In fact many families have 1 nanny per child!

This!

It's like PP said - anyone can can afford it will buy the best in childcare and education, so nanny and private school. Everyone else is stuck justifying their decision to go second-rate, i.e., put their pocketbook in front of the chd if they can afford it OR they have a tough time admitting thay they can't afford the best. There are a lot of second rate nannies out there, which is why I phrase it this way - if you skimp on costs, including finder's fee, you get second best or maybe you get lucky.

The bolded clause is correct. The one that follows isn’t. Not a lot of people turning down spots at TJ because of the superiority of private school. The Best is not always the most expensive.

+1, there is no one definition of “best.” We spent our money to buy in a sought after public school pyramid. Most of the kids are walking distance from the school, which means a really nice neighborhood community of kids, pickup sports games, impromptu playing outside, bike rides with school friends in the afternoons, etc.

I went to private school as a kid and all my friends were scattered about. I knew it was a hassle for my parents to try to pick me up for an afternoon play date in rush hour traffic so it just didn’t happen often. I basically didn’t see school friends on the weekend and never knew anyone if I signed up for an extracurricular near my house. For me, community is a huge factor for me in deciding what is “best.”

Right now my kids have a fairly idyllic childhood in a walkable neighborhood with tons of friends around and on their little league team. I love that they have this.

+1

Nuance matters!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I could ask this exact same question of someone who chose a nanny. Like why would you trust some random person in your house over vetted and accountable group childcare? That sounds insane!!

Because the people working at a childcare facility aren’t vetted any more than someone you hire as a nanny. You have no idea who these people are working at a daycare. You may actually have a better idea of who a nanny is if you hire her through word of mouth.

If you have the means, you will likely end up with a decent nanny who take good care of your child.

It’s so much better for your child to be in his or her own home with 1:1 attention. The child is able to avoid more illnesses and no rush to get out of the house in the morning. Daycare is essentially warehousing your child for the day. Why would you want your kid in storage and not in his or her own home?

Besides DC, I have never lived anywhere else that a person who can afford a nanny would choose daycare. In most places, a nanny is a luxury item and for a reason.

This isn’t true if you’re using licensed and high quality daycare. Everyone at ours has a criminal background check on file.

How do you know this? Did you review the file?

DP - my kid went to one of the govt agency daycare centers. Childcare workers were required to have a child development degree + background check. No cellphones allowed around the kids. Most were long term employees but I can think of 2 fired immediately (in a 4 year period) for things that you'd never know your nanny did: in both cases, another employee reported it.

I had one kid at kindercare for a month and it was a mess, so yes daycare can be disappointing. But there are excellent ones out there too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
More parents should start thinking more about what’s best for their child, and less about what’s most convenient for them.

The earliest years of life are the very foundation for the rest of your child’s entire life. This isn’t the time to skimp on costs if neither the parents nor extended family is willing/available to do the important work of infant/ toddler care. Stability, competence and love are all critical.

Stability, competence and love are not unique to nannies, au pairs, and at home parents / family. Some nannies are not very good and some daycares are amazing.

And adding on to my comment - grandparents may be loving and well intentioned, but the vast majority of them have nothing on the energy and current knowledge infant / toddler safety and development of a 25yr old with a degree in early childhood education and a preschool full of safe spaces with tons of age appropriate toys and playground equipment. I felt 1000% better with my kids on a fully fenced and alarmed preschool playground with proper adult ratios than imagining my 73yr old mother breaking a hip chasing my 2yr old if he decided to bolt from a public park towards a parking lot or road.

Not everybody waits until they’re 100 to have kids and ends up with a 73 year old grandmother taking care of a 2 year old. When I’m 73, the grandkids I already have will be 21, 18 and 14. And before you write me off as an uneducated teenaged mother, I have a masters degree and so do all of my kids.

I think this response is a really great example as to how everyone’s personal circumstances are different. There isn’t one right fit for everyone.

People who are young grandparents are usually still working and not able to provide full time childcare. However I didn’t mean to quibble with other people’s family planning timeline. The main point is that many people seem to presume a single individual, whether nanny, au pair, or family member, providing one on one care is preferable to any other arrangement. That is what I disagree with. We can afford a nanny and live walking distance to more than one park and a pool. I just don’t think 1:1 care is the best option - even if it’s a mom, even if it were me. Even the best parents, family members, and nannies need breaks, get sick, and get bored. I think children are best served by having a team of caregivers for variety and socialization - that’s why even sahm use part-day preschool. So I am not “anti-nanny” as OP phrased it, I am pro-group care.

Yea this is really good. You work because you think your kid is better off in day care than in your care, and you think that day care is better than any care that any loving family member alone can provide - even a young grandmother who loves her grandkids like her own.

Me thinks you’re in the minority here - and that you’re kidding (really, lying to) yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids (and my sibling’s, which came later) have always been taken care of by their grandparents. They see a lot of kids with nannies at the park and playgrounds. Some are pretty damned good and attentive, but most are just plain awful. Your nanny could easily be one thing in front of you and another completely different once she’s out the door with your kid.

I’m not saying they’re abusive or anything. Just inattentive and indifferent and sometimes a little short.

At least in a good day care there are rules and regulations and constant supervision and other kids to keep yours engaged and stimulated.

This is true, which is why you need to specify what is appropriate and inappropriate up front in the contract. When our kids were very little we also had a list of places she could take them on outings - when they were very little it was the local park and country club. Because I’m very active in my community there were eyes everywhere. I have tons of SAHM friends, who would always tell me ‘I saw Nanny and Larla today at the XXX. Nanny is so sweet.’ OR “how did you find Nanny? She is the only one I never see on the phone”. I’m the PP who used a service. I also wrote a solid contract and asked her to sign an NDA. No, were not famous, but I don’t want my kids on social media sites until they consent.

Nice try. But no, a “contract” doesn’t solve the problem and having eyes and ears in town doesn’t either. Everybody everywhere has both, and still you see nannies at the parks and playgrounds every day on their phones, being snippy with the kids, chatting with other nannies in their common foreign language while havoc wreaks around them, etc. You may tell yourself your situation is different, but it isn’t.

Again, I’m not saying any of this is the worst thing in the world. It isn’t. But no single individual outside of your own family is going to love your kid the way you do - FACT. At least in day care the indifference is spread around so the risk is lower. Plus, again, there are other kids around and constant supervision by the bosses.

A contract and due diligence worked for me. Perhaps you should talk from a point of experience rather than judgement and envy.

Oh, and "nice try"?!?!?

Envy? hahahaha. You’re not gonna get any nanny on earth who holds a candle to my mother. Not even Mary Friggin Poppins!

You are so special to have your mother. I, like one of the other PPs, prefer to pay someone to do a job the way I want it done. My mom was not energetic enough, she gave the kids too many treats and more screen time than I would have liked. Our nanny followed our schedule and prepared foods from a list we worked on together. She was with us for 8 years. Yeah, she was like Mary Poppins... wonderful people do exist that do well in their jobs!

My mother follows my schedule, has plenty of energy, and loves her grandkids more than your nanny ever could - and we’re not canning her in eight years!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, let’s be honest. None of you working mothers would be a nanny yourself. That’s why you’re working and hiring somebody else to do the mothering for you. So why would you expect women who become nannies to be the pick of the litter?

Because I pay top dollar and have high expectations, just like with my other employees. I think many women here sound like they lack the confidence in their own ability to lead, hire, and do due diligence, which is sad.

Haha people like you NEVER pay top dollar, even if they could. Please.

Yea, I agree. No way in hell Ms Control Freak pays anyone top dollar. I’ll bet she’s a lousy tipper too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok I’ll tell it like it is. Could afford daycare, nanny, and both at the same time. But no one is as competent as me, which is obviously a problem because I’m type A. The best answer would have been to quit and SAHM to raise them myself, but I make too much money to justify walking away from right now, so I’m the annoying working mom who glorifies the SAHM lifestyle and complains about how she can’t “afford” to quit.

The real kicker of course is my kids will turn out better without me around 24/7. Otherwise I’d be helicoptering all over them all day. Maybe a little bit of an inattentive nanny is a good thing.

Similar personality to you haha, I have a nanny and am quite happy with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids (and my sibling’s, which came later) have always been taken care of by their grandparents. They see a lot of kids with nannies at the park and playgrounds. Some are pretty damned good and attentive, but most are just plain awful. Your nanny could easily be one thing in front of you and another completely different once she’s out the door with your kid.

I’m not saying they’re abusive or anything. Just inattentive and indifferent and sometimes a little short.

At least in a good day care there are rules and regulations and constant supervision and other kids to keep yours engaged and stimulated.

This is true, which is why you need to specify what is appropriate and inappropriate up front in the contract. When our kids were very little we also had a list of places she could take them on outings - when they were very little it was the local park and country club. Because I’m very active in my community there were eyes everywhere. I have tons of SAHM friends, who would always tell me ‘I saw Nanny and Larla today at the XXX. Nanny is so sweet.’ OR “how did you find Nanny? She is the only one I never see on the phone”. I’m the PP who used a service. I also wrote a solid contract and asked her to sign an NDA. No, were not famous, but I don’t want my kids on social media sites until they consent.

Nice try. But no, a “contract” doesn’t solve the problem and having eyes and ears in town doesn’t either. Everybody everywhere has both, and still you see nannies at the parks and playgrounds every day on their phones, being snippy with the kids, chatting with other nannies in their common foreign language while havoc wreaks around them, etc. You may tell yourself your situation is different, but it isn’t.

Again, I’m not saying any of this is the worst thing in the world. It isn’t. But no single individual outside of your own family is going to love your kid the way you do - FACT. At least in day care the indifference is spread around so the risk is lower. Plus, again, there are other kids around and constant supervision by the bosses.

A contract and due diligence worked for me. Perhaps you should talk from a point of experience rather than judgement and envy.

Oh, and "nice try"?!?!?

Envy? hahahaha. You’re not gonna get any nanny on earth who holds a candle to my mother. Not even Mary Friggin Poppins!

You are so special to have your mother. I, like one of the other PPs, prefer to pay someone to do a job the way I want it done. My mom was not energetic enough, she gave the kids too many treats and more screen time than I would have liked. Our nanny followed our schedule and prepared foods from a list we worked on together. She was with us for 8 years. Yeah, she was like Mary Poppins... wonderful people do exist that do well in their jobs!

My mother follows my schedule, has plenty of energy, and loves her grandkids more than your nanny ever could - and we’re not canning her in eight years!

Family is best. Relatives can’t just disappear like nannies can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our kids (and my sibling’s, which came later) have always been taken care of by their grandparents. They see a lot of kids with nannies at the park and playgrounds. Some are pretty damned good and attentive, but most are just plain awful. Your nanny could easily be one thing in front of you and another completely different once she’s out the door with your kid.

I’m not saying they’re abusive or anything. Just inattentive and indifferent and sometimes a little short.

At least in a good day care there are rules and regulations and constant supervision and other kids to keep yours engaged and stimulated.

This is true, which is why you need to specify what is appropriate and inappropriate up front in the contract. When our kids were very little we also had a list of places she could take them on outings - when they were very little it was the local park and country club. Because I’m very active in my community there were eyes everywhere. I have tons of SAHM friends, who would always tell me ‘I saw Nanny and Larla today at the XXX. Nanny is so sweet.’ OR “how did you find Nanny? She is the only one I never see on the phone”. I’m the PP who used a service. I also wrote a solid contract and asked her to sign an NDA. No, were not famous, but I don’t want my kids on social media sites until they consent.

Nice try. But no, a “contract” doesn’t solve the problem and having eyes and ears in town doesn’t either. Everybody everywhere has both, and still you see nannies at the parks and playgrounds every day on their phones, being snippy with the kids, chatting with other nannies in their common foreign language while havoc wreaks around them, etc. You may tell yourself your situation is different, but it isn’t.

Again, I’m not saying any of this is the worst thing in the world. It isn’t. But no single individual outside of your own family is going to love your kid the way you do - FACT. At least in day care the indifference is spread around so the risk is lower. Plus, again, there are other kids around and constant supervision by the bosses.

A contract and due diligence worked for me. Perhaps you should talk from a point of experience rather than judgement and envy.

Oh, and "nice try"?!?!?

Envy? hahahaha. You’re not gonna get any nanny on earth who holds a candle to my mother. Not even Mary Friggin Poppins!

You are so special to have your mother. I, like one of the other PPs, prefer to pay someone to do a job the way I want it done. My mom was not energetic enough, she gave the kids too many treats and more screen time than I would have liked. Our nanny followed our schedule and prepared foods from a list we worked on together. She was with us for 8 years. Yeah, she was like Mary Poppins... wonderful people do exist that do well in their jobs!

My mother follows my schedule, has plenty of energy, and loves her grandkids more than your nanny ever could - and we’re not canning her in eight years!

Family is best. Relatives can’t just disappear like nannies can.

Not everyone lives close to the grandparents, particularly in this area. In my circle of 10 or so close friends, only one has grandparents (her in-laws) within an hour's drive.
My own parents are 3 hours away and would love to relocate to help with childcare (I'm an only child, so my 2 DDs are their only grandchildren), but the cost of living here compared to my hometown is prohibitive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I could ask this exact same question of someone who chose a nanny. Like why would you trust some random person in your house over vetted and accountable group childcare? That sounds insane!!

Because the people working at a childcare facility aren’t vetted any more than someone you hire as a nanny. You have no idea who these people are working at a daycare. You may actually have a better idea of who a nanny is if you hire her through word of mouth.

If you have the means, you will likely end up with a decent nanny who take good care of your child.

It’s so much better for your child to be in his or her own home with 1:1 attention. The child is able to avoid more illnesses and no rush to get out of the house in the morning. Daycare is essentially warehousing your child for the day. Why would you want your kid in storage and not in his or her own home?

Besides DC, I have never lived anywhere else that a person who can afford a nanny would choose daycare. In most places, a nanny is a luxury item and for a reason.

That’s because, besides DC, there is a lack of really amazing childcare in the country. But, for example, Smithsonian Preschool is in DC. Why *wouldn’t* you offer your kids that opportunity if it’s available to you?

The taxpayer dies not owe you childcare of any kind, shake. Or firm. You chose to have a child(ten,)and their childcare is on you..

Alas the taxpayer did owe you an elementary education and you still can’t frame a basic sentence. I’m sorry your country failed you.

Nevertheless, I could afford childcare and it was a private school that failed me and, possibly, will have failed my three children also educated at private schools. Eat you heart out! With enough inherited wealth, we don't worry about basic sentences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, I could ask this exact same question of someone who chose a nanny. Like why would you trust some random person in your house over vetted and accountable group childcare? That sounds insane!!

Because the people working at a childcare facility aren’t vetted any more than someone you hire as a nanny. You have no idea who these people are working at a daycare. You may actually have a better idea of who a nanny is if you hire her through word of mouth.

If you have the means, you will likely end up with a decent nanny who take good care of your child.

It’s so much better for your child to be in his or her own home with 1:1 attention. The child is able to avoid more illnesses and no rush to get out of the house in the morning. Daycare is essentially warehousing your child for the day. Why would you want your kid in storage and not in his or her own home?

Besides DC, I have never lived anywhere else that a person who can afford a nanny would choose daycare. In most places, a nanny is a luxury item and for a reason.

Well at least the daycare workers won't be going into my medicine cabinet and stealing pills (we had a nanny do this), or stealing money from my house (friend's nanny).

Next time pay a livable wage.