S/O What are the major parenting "you do what??" triggers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this thread is fir pointing out triggers, not arguing them, but I just wanted to say that what people are calling “gentle parenting” on this thread is not gentle parenting.

We do gentle parenting and our kids sleep in their own beds, have a schedule, go to school even on days they’d rather not, say please and thank you, know how to share and take turns, and get consequences for poor behavior.

All gentle parenting means is that we work hard as parents to model calm and emotional regulation, and don’t yell, threaten, hit, enforce arbitrary rules, or try to “force” behaviors. That’s it. You still parent, but you work at not being a jerk about it so that your kids also learn not to be jerks. It doesn’t mean letting kids do whatever they want. All kids need structure and consequences.

That may be how you define and implement your version of gentle parenting, but it’s not a trademarked term and there are many websites, books, and parent experts that define it differently and will tell you that the very things you “still” do are contrary to the gentle parenting method. IMO what you describe sounds like basic authoritative parenting, which is what 99% of us (on DCUM at least) strive for.

"Gentle parenting" people always say this, too. And yet their kids are invariably spoiled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty laid back and firmly believe every child and parent is different. I don't understand why people are so militant about certain things -- breastfeeding, daycare vs. SAHM (this extremism either way I REALLY don't understand, you do you!), etc.

The one I do get judgmental about is when people co-sleep with their kids waaaay past the newborn age (I know someone who STILL sleeps with their kindergartner every night) and are trapped in this cycle and won't change things even though they're miserable

Me too. And I know one older than kindergarten. I automatically think they are weird and would not allow my kid to have a sleepover at their house or have the kid to mine.

Hey, it’s not like I WANT my kid crawling into my bed every night. He just does.

I can relate. Sometimes my 5y/o will get in bed with us in the middle of the night and i sleep right through it and don’t notice it until morning. Doesn’t bother me though

Oh I can totally understand that! I was the original PP and I was talking about when kids literally don't sleep in their own bed, start right in their parent's bed and the parent now has to be in bed at 8pm and don't have any alone time at all

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who spend a lot of their spare time doing math enrichment and math summer school and then complain the school math curriculum is "too slow" or not advanced enough for their math genius. If they need all that extra tutoring and time, they aren't that advanced.

Or people who redshirt and complain about the lack of rigor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty laid back and firmly believe every child and parent is different. I don't understand why people are so militant about certain things -- breastfeeding, daycare vs. SAHM (this extremism either way I REALLY don't understand, you do you!), etc.

The one I do get judgmental about is when people co-sleep with their kids waaaay past the newborn age (I know someone who STILL sleeps with their kindergartner every night) and are trapped in this cycle and won't change things even though they're miserable

Me too. And I know one older than kindergarten. I automatically think they are weird and would not allow my kid to have a sleepover at their house or have the kid to mine.

Hey, it’s not like I WANT my kid crawling into my bed every night. He just does.

There are these things called boundaries. And consequences. If you aren't willing to utilize them, that's on you.

Eh, he’s only little for a little while. I’m not going to be on my death bed wishing I had given my kid more consequences and fewer snuggles.

But you might be on your death bed regretting prioritizing your kid's snuggles over an intimate marriage (my mother did and she has said that she regrets it)

[Anonymous]

Focus on academics, especially if you are Asian. LOL! Gets people all upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spanking.

+1. Spanking is not always abusive, but most DCUM people will automatically say all hitting is wrong.

I think spanking is always abusive. I believe you should parent your child as you wish them to behave in the world. Under what circumstances do you think it is appropriate for them to deal with a problem by hitting someone? Spanking advocates want to create this weird exception to the general rule that you should not hit other people where it's okay but only if you are an adult and the other person is a child 100% within your care and control. It's so weird. If you hit your kid, for any reason and under any circumstances, you are teaching them that hitting is an appropriate consequence for bad behavior.

I have a kid with special needs that includes not seeing hierarchy. It's problematic. You are pretending that hierarchy isn't real which is silly. And doesn't do your children any favors. They are not small adults, they are children.

So your logic is that because you have power over them, it's okay to hit them as punishment.

If they were small adults, they would not be below you in the hierarchy, and therefore even if they behaved the exact same way, you would not hit them because adults have more agency than children do.

So you believe it's okay to hit someone as long as they are below you in the hierarchy. What is the point of hitting them then? To punish a specific behavior, or to show them who's boss?

It's not spanking. It's everything. A parent teaches a child, through instruction and correction, using reason, praise, bribery, consequences; a colleague does not correct a colleague's table manners or decisions, impose a curfew, require chores. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty laid back and firmly believe every child and parent is different. I don't understand why people are so militant about certain things -- breastfeeding, daycare vs. SAHM (this extremism either way I REALLY don't understand, you do you!), etc.

The one I do get judgmental about is when people co-sleep with their kids waaaay past the newborn age (I know someone who STILL sleeps with their kindergartner every night) and are trapped in this cycle and won't change things even though they're miserable

Me too. And I know one older than kindergarten. I automatically think they are weird and would not allow my kid to have a sleepover at their house or have the kid to mine.

Cosleep parent here. While we don't cosleep in the same manner as we did earlier in our infant/toddler years, my son is 5 and if he wakes up in the middle of the night he can come to our bed. If its before 1am, I take him back to his bed. After 1, we do whatever gets the most sleep, which is normally him sleeping with us. I get my best sleep between 1-5am so I don't want any interruptions. He has always had issues sleeping that are incrementally getting better.

On a related note, we dont do sleepovers AT ALL. So not a concern from this weirdo !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty laid back and firmly believe every child and parent is different. I don't understand why people are so militant about certain things -- breastfeeding, daycare vs. SAHM (this extremism either way I REALLY don't understand, you do you!), etc.

The one I do get judgmental about is when people co-sleep with their kids waaaay past the newborn age (I know someone who STILL sleeps with their kindergartner every night) and are trapped in this cycle and won't change things even though they're miserable

Me too. And I know one older than kindergarten. I automatically think they are weird and would not allow my kid to have a sleepover at their house or have the kid to mine.

Cosleep parent here. While we don't cosleep in the same manner as we did earlier in our infant/toddler years, my son is 5 and if he wakes up in the middle of the night he can come to our bed. If its before 1am, I take him back to his bed. After 1, we do whatever gets the most sleep, which is normally him sleeping with us. I get my best sleep between 1-5am so I don't want any interruptions. He has always had issues sleeping that are incrementally getting better.

On a related note, we dont do sleepovers AT ALL. So not a concern from this weirdo !

Absolutely agree that whatever gets everyone the best sleep is best. However, a child climbing into your bed in the middle of the night is totally different from one who wont even sleep in his own room from the get-go. I know lots of parents who have poor sleep, poor self car and poor intimacy because they're 5 year old sees Mommy and Daddy's bed as theirs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spanking.

+1. Spanking is not always abusive, but most DCUM people will automatically say all hitting is wrong.

I think spanking is always abusive. I believe you should parent your child as you wish them to behave in the world. Under what circumstances do you think it is appropriate for them to deal with a problem by hitting someone? Spanking advocates want to create this weird exception to the general rule that you should not hit other people where it's okay but only if you are an adult and the other person is a child 100% within your care and control. It's so weird. If you hit your kid, for any reason and under any circumstances, you are teaching them that hitting is an appropriate consequence for bad behavior.

I have a kid with special needs that includes not seeing hierarchy. It's problematic. You are pretending that hierarchy isn't real which is silly. And doesn't do your children any favors. They are not small adults, they are children.

So your logic is that because you have power over them, it's okay to hit them as punishment.

If they were small adults, they would not be below you in the hierarchy, and therefore even if they behaved the exact same way, you would not hit them because adults have more agency than children do.

So you believe it's okay to hit someone as long as they are below you in the hierarchy. What is the point of hitting them then? To punish a specific behavior, or to show them who's boss?

It's not spanking. It's everything. A parent teaches a child, through instruction and correction, using reason, praise, bribery, consequences; a colleague does not correct a colleague's table manners or decisions, impose a curfew, require chores. Etc.

This specific conversation is about spanking. I don't know what you are going on about.

Spanking is abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Focus on academics, especially if you are Asian. LOL! Gets people all upset.

Tigers get me triggered

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty laid back and firmly believe every child and parent is different. I don't understand why people are so militant about certain things -- breastfeeding, daycare vs. SAHM (this extremism either way I REALLY don't understand, you do you!), etc.

The one I do get judgmental about is when people co-sleep with their kids waaaay past the newborn age (I know someone who STILL sleeps with their kindergartner every night) and are trapped in this cycle and won't change things even though they're miserable

Me too. And I know one older than kindergarten. I automatically think they are weird and would not allow my kid to have a sleepover at their house or have the kid to mine.

Cosleep parent here. While we don't cosleep in the same manner as we did earlier in our infant/toddler years, my son is 5 and if he wakes up in the middle of the night he can come to our bed. If its before 1am, I take him back to his bed. After 1, we do whatever gets the most sleep, which is normally him sleeping with us. I get my best sleep between 1-5am so I don't want any interruptions. He has always had issues sleeping that are incrementally getting better.

On a related note, we dont do sleepovers AT ALL. So not a concern from this weirdo !

Absolutely agree that whatever gets everyone the best sleep is best. However, a child climbing into your bed in the middle of the night is totally different from one who wont even sleep in his own room from the get-go. I know lots of parents who have poor sleep, poor self car and poor intimacy because they're 5 year old sees Mommy and Daddy's bed as theirs.

Where are you meeting these people? Why are they sharing this info with you?

I don't know anyone who co-sleeps nightly with their elementary age child, or if I do, it's not something they share with me. And if they did share it with me, I guarantee they wouldn't say "and it means Bob and I never do it anymore."

I think you are just inventing people to be mad at, or maybe filling in a lot of details about people you know who parent differently than you do, in order to make yourself feel good about your own parenting. But these are weird straw men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spanking.

+1. Spanking is not always abusive, but most DCUM people will automatically say all hitting is wrong.

I think spanking is always abusive. I believe you should parent your child as you wish them to behave in the world. Under what circumstances do you think it is appropriate for them to deal with a problem by hitting someone? Spanking advocates want to create this weird exception to the general rule that you should not hit other people where it's okay but only if you are an adult and the other person is a child 100% within your care and control. It's so weird. If you hit your kid, for any reason and under any circumstances, you are teaching them that hitting is an appropriate consequence for bad behavior.

I have a kid with special needs that includes not seeing hierarchy. It's problematic. You are pretending that hierarchy isn't real which is silly. And doesn't do your children any favors. They are not small adults, they are children.

So your logic is that because you have power over them, it's okay to hit them as punishment.

If they were small adults, they would not be below you in the hierarchy, and therefore even if they behaved the exact same way, you would not hit them because adults have more agency than children do.

So you believe it's okay to hit someone as long as they are below you in the hierarchy. What is the point of hitting them then? To punish a specific behavior, or to show them who's boss?

It's not spanking. It's everything. A parent teaches a child, through instruction and correction, using reason, praise, bribery, consequences; a colleague does not correct a colleague's table manners or decisions, impose a curfew, require chores. Etc.

This specific conversation is about spanking. I don't know what you are going on about.

Spanking is abuse.

I don't spank, but I was spanked growing up. It only happened 2-3 times in my whole childhood and my parents were always calm, never angry, and gave plenty of warnings before resorting to it. I personally think it did the job and I don't resent my parents at all for it (and I'm not generally hesitant to critique - they made plenty of mistakes along the way, just not that).

There is a vast, vast chasm, IMO, between a light smack on the bottom by a calm adult in response to a serious behavioral incident, vs. things like cigarette burns and beatings.

The harshest thing one can accurately say about spanking is that it is a bit crude (as in, overly simple) and lazy as a technique. And I have observed occasionally that my kid as a toddler would probably have understood not to do certain things much more effectively if she had been spanked in a certain moment, vs. lectured to. (But again, I choose not to spank; it's not my method.)

[Anonymous]

Almost all of these complaints btw are about permissive parenting.

And I want to state that your boundaries and my boundaries may be different as adults. Some kids need more structure, some need less. Some kids like inside craft play some like outdoor adventures. Some kids take to water like a fish some are scared/hate it.

Dont judge a parent on one interaction, it could be their worst day or best day. Sometimes its out of their own fear or experiences the choices that are made.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am pretty laid back and firmly believe every child and parent is different. I don't understand why people are so militant about certain things -- breastfeeding, daycare vs. SAHM (this extremism either way I REALLY don't understand, you do you!), etc.

The one I do get judgmental about is when people co-sleep with their kids waaaay past the newborn age (I know someone who STILL sleeps with their kindergartner every night) and are trapped in this cycle and won't change things even though they're miserable

Me too. And I know one older than kindergarten. I automatically think they are weird and would not allow my kid to have a sleepover at their house or have the kid to mine.

Cosleep parent here. While we don't cosleep in the same manner as we did earlier in our infant/toddler years, my son is 5 and if he wakes up in the middle of the night he can come to our bed. If its before 1am, I take him back to his bed. After 1, we do whatever gets the most sleep, which is normally him sleeping with us. I get my best sleep between 1-5am so I don't want any interruptions. He has always had issues sleeping that are incrementally getting better.

On a related note, we dont do sleepovers AT ALL. So not a concern from this weirdo !

Absolutely agree that whatever gets everyone the best sleep is best. However, a child climbing into your bed in the middle of the night is totally different from one who wont even sleep in his own room from the get-go. I know lots of parents who have poor sleep, poor self car and poor intimacy because they're 5 year old sees Mommy and Daddy's bed as theirs.

This has always weirded me out btw. People are concerned about a parents' intimacy. Sheila- I can fuc% in the bathroom or laundry room too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who keep their children home from school because the kid is tired, because the kid doesn't want to go, because it's an effort, because they like the company, etc.

The kid may enjoy it at the time but sabotaging schooling is bad parenting and bad for the kid later on.

Curious, do many parents do this? I always felt so guilty when I do it. Wasn't sure if this is happening across all socio-demographic and education levels.