If there is a SAH spouse, are finances truly equal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

Once again---he did NOT say no to getting your parents a car. They want a "smaller car". You can EASILY find a smaller great vehicle for $25-30K. Most people would be so appreciative of a brand new Honda Accord/suburu cross fit/etc. There is no need to spend more on a car for your parents. Be grateful that your partner has agreed to spend so much on your family for so long. There is a huge difference between spending on your kids and on your parents. It sounds like it is YOU who wants the fancy car, not your parents. Is it so you can brag to your friends and other family members? It just doesn't make sense. Keep this up and your parner may not want to continue spending on family members for things they actually need. After a while it gets tiring when everyone else just expects you to foot the bill for everything in the family because "you are rich".

A Subaru costs more than $30k these days. $50k does not get you a luxury vehicle. You have not shopped for cars lately.

Subaru crosstek is $26-28K plus taxes, so ok maybe $32K with taxes. She herself said her mom does NOT want a large vehicle. Crosstek is a great vehicle with AWD as well.

Yes, I have shopped for cars recently. Can also get some Hondas for under $30-32K. Her mom doesn't need "I have 3 kids and need to transport their friends as well" vehicle.

Have you been in a Crosstrek? My sister has one. It would not be comfortable for an elderly person to get in and out of. At this point we’re talking about a $20k difference when they have a $2m+ hhi. I get why op’s upset.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50K+ car screams emotional insecurity in all of you.

Such a waste of humanity's effort and nature's energy to indulge people like this.

This is a dumb post. You have no concept of how much cars cost and likely haven't bought one in ages. My minivan costs nearly $50K. It is not a flashy car but it is one that is now on backorder at all dealerships.

Getting a good car will cost at least $40-$50K.

Give us an example of a “good car” that an elderly couple needs vs a $30k so-called bad car. And remember, OP doesn’t want $40k car. She wants a $60k car! How will that significantly change her parents’ lives vs a $30k car.

OP's DH makes $3M a year. There is no reason not to buy her parents a $50K car. Plus, buying seniors cheap cars is a bad idea. I just helped my 70+ year old mother buy a Subaru. She needs the safety and added features. It was $40+.

They can afford it. There is no reason to cheap out on her parents vehicle. Be a better kid.

You can get a 2022 Subaru Impreza Premium, with all the bells and whistles, and only 6k miles for $26,998 at a local Carmax. How would that not serve her parents well? She is just trying to show off to her family (probably siblings and others) at the expense of her DH’s common sense.

I don't buy used cars so am not shopping at Carmax. Nor would I buy my parents a used car. We got a brand new car for my mother to ensure her safety. OP can definitely spend more on HER PARENTS.
Their household income is $3,000,000. Did you read all those zeros? Why are the PPs on this board insisting that OP live like a family making $300K or $150K? It's just ridiculous. TBH, I think most of the PPs are jealous. OP, you have cash. Live well. Buy your parents nice gifts.

Where did OP state their HHI?

She said DH makes seven figures, got a raise, and might even end up "pushing $3m" this year. Naturally DCUM has run with "he makes $3 million!" because reading for comprehension is disfavored here.

Do you think there’s a material difference between earning $2.5 million and earning $3 million? The only difference is zeroes on the bank account.

There's a material difference between the reality that he's never earned $3 million and may or may not this year and "he makes $3 million a year" implying this is his standing income over time and they're sitting on a Scrooge McDuck pile of money such that he shouldn't even care about buying things that are functional and necessary vs. wasteful and fun to brag about. So yes, the difference is "zeroes on the bank account" because the zeroes are the important digits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50K+ car screams emotional insecurity in all of you.

Such a waste of humanity's effort and nature's energy to indulge people like this.

This is a dumb post. You have no concept of how much cars cost and likely haven't bought one in ages. My minivan costs nearly $50K. It is not a flashy car but it is one that is now on backorder at all dealerships.

Getting a good car will cost at least $40-$50K.

Give us an example of a “good car” that an elderly couple needs vs a $30k so-called bad car. And remember, OP doesn’t want $40k car. She wants a $60k car! How will that significantly change her parents’ lives vs a $30k car.

OP's DH makes $3M a year. There is no reason not to buy her parents a $50K car. Plus, buying seniors cheap cars is a bad idea. I just helped my 70+ year old mother buy a Subaru. She needs the safety and added features. It was $40+.

They can afford it. There is no reason to cheap out on her parents vehicle. Be a better kid.

You can get a 2022 Subaru Impreza Premium, with all the bells and whistles, and only 6k miles for $26,998 at a local Carmax. How would that not serve her parents well? She is just trying to show off to her family (probably siblings and others) at the expense of her DH’s common sense.

I don't buy used cars so am not shopping at Carmax. Nor would I buy my parents a used car. We got a brand new car for my mother to ensure her safety. OP can definitely spend more on HER PARENTS.
Their household income is $3,000,000. Did you read all those zeros? Why are the PPs on this board insisting that OP live like a family making $300K or $150K? It's just ridiculous. TBH, I think most of the PPs are jealous. OP, you have cash. Live well. Buy your parents nice gifts.

Where did OP state their HHI?

She said DH makes seven figures, got a raise, and might even end up "pushing $3m" this year. Naturally DCUM has run with "he makes $3 million!" because reading for comprehension is disfavored here.

Do you think there’s a material difference between earning $2.5 million and earning $3 million? The only difference is zeroes on the bank account.

There's a material difference between the reality that he's never earned $3 million and may or may not this year and "he makes $3 million a year" implying this is his standing income over time and they're sitting on a Scrooge McDuck pile of money such that he shouldn't even care about buying things that are functional and necessary vs. wasteful and fun to brag about. So yes, the difference is "zeroes on the bank account" because the zeroes are the important digits.

Oh dcum, you never fail to disappoint. Let them eat cake, indeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

It sounds like your high income has allowed you to avoid talking about an issue where you actually don't agree and you're both uncomfortable. It seems like it's not really about the money for your DH exactly, it's more about the relationship with your parents. He might feel, for example, that it's a fancy car now but soon it'll be another fancy car and then live-in help or a fancy house or a fancy assisted living or supporting other relatives of yours, or whatever. He might feel that it will mess up his relationship with your dad-- men can have certain feelings about that He just doesn't have the same cultural norms that you do, and he's not comfortable with it. It's not about the money for him. It's about whether you're funding ILs' luxuries, or only their necessities. Because if you start in on luxuries there's no end to it.

My dad doesn’t have long to live. This has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. This car will be for my mom to take my dad to doctor appointments.

What difference does it make in their quality of life to have a fancy car versus a merely nice car?

When I give gifts, I try to be thoughtful. I would not want to give an inferior gift, something I would not use.

My mom already said she will probably only drive 1-2 years and she can just fix the current car. She said she doesn’t need a new car. I don’t want my mom driving an old car that keeps breaking down.

We will likely get a car that is around 40k. I gave DH the silent treatment. He didn’t even think this car purchase was an argument. He said I can get them whatever I want.

To all the posters who said it would be different if DH gave much more to his side of the family, I heard you. Thank you for the perspective.

You are coming across more childish with every post.

What do you do when you are mad at your spouse? Guess what? I won’t be sleeping with him either.

I speak to him, like an adult. Your husband didn't even know you were fighting, because this is all in your head. I mostly hate it when people say "I feel sorry for your X" on this board but -- your poor husband. He is paying for your parents' house, their incidentals, their current car, their next car, and according to you "whatever you want for you or the kids" and you're still the way that you are. Seriously, you don't have any reason to be upset, you just want to be. You seem bored. Get a job, or volunteer or something. Manufacturing drama in your own house is no way to live.

I am not bored. My dad is dying. My mom has cancer. Their car has been in and out of the shop multiple times since last year. They need a new car.

I wish I was bored. I am sandwiched between caring for our children and my elderly sick parents. My parents stress me out far more than my children. My dad has been in an out of the hospital this past year while the car would not start.

There was never not going to be a new car. You are manufacturing drama about how much the car should cost when your parents don't even care, damaging your marriage, taking your husband for granted, and being a child, all while trying to maintain the position that you don't really care about money or cars. You're a twit. Plenty of us are sandwiched between caring for children and elderly, sick parents without a taking ridiculous shots at the benefactor funding the whole endeavor and then bragging about it online.

How is this bragging?

DH said I can get my parent the car I wanted. I think I was more bothered at the lack of our finances being joint than about the car.

We will see what car my parents want. Fight over.

I actually was curious about the finances of other one earning households.

Yes, you are bragging that you gave him the silent treatment to "win" a fight that only you knew was happening and plan to withhold sex unless you get a blank check. Just because a brag doesn't land like you thought it would doesn't mean we can't see you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:$50K+ car screams emotional insecurity in all of you.

Such a waste of humanity's effort and nature's energy to indulge people like this.

This is a dumb post. You have no concept of how much cars cost and likely haven't bought one in ages. My minivan costs nearly $50K. It is not a flashy car but it is one that is now on backorder at all dealerships.

Getting a good car will cost at least $40-$50K.

Give us an example of a “good car” that an elderly couple needs vs a $30k so-called bad car. And remember, OP doesn’t want $40k car. She wants a $60k car! How will that significantly change her parents’ lives vs a $30k car.

OP's DH makes $3M a year. There is no reason not to buy her parents a $50K car. Plus, buying seniors cheap cars is a bad idea. I just helped my 70+ year old mother buy a Subaru. She needs the safety and added features. It was $40+.

They can afford it. There is no reason to cheap out on her parents vehicle. Be a better kid.

You can get a 2022 Subaru Impreza Premium, with all the bells and whistles, and only 6k miles for $26,998 at a local Carmax. How would that not serve her parents well? She is just trying to show off to her family (probably siblings and others) at the expense of her DH’s common sense.

I don't buy used cars so am not shopping at Carmax. Nor would I buy my parents a used car. We got a brand new car for my mother to ensure her safety. OP can definitely spend more on HER PARENTS.
Their household income is $3,000,000. Did you read all those zeros? Why are the PPs on this board insisting that OP live like a family making $300K or $150K? It's just ridiculous. TBH, I think most of the PPs are jealous. OP, you have cash. Live well. Buy your parents nice gifts.

A car with only 6k miles on it is a lot less used than the one you’re currently driving.

And a complete waste. Why would I shop at Carmax when I can get a new car covered by 36-48M warranty with free service during that time? Don't be ridiculous. No reason to buy a used car unless you are cash strapped, which OP is not.

Maybe OP’s husband doesn’t want to pay the gift tax on something that expensive.
Plus, you sound like a snob.

You are still missing the point. The HHI is $3,000,000. They are not poor, struggling, or counting pennies. They are living well. They can afford to pay for parents car. It's selfish not to. I make significantly less than them and bought my nanny a brand new car as a gift so I'm flummoxed as to DH's rationale here.
If telling someone who makes $3M to not be cheap is snobby, I'll take it.

Spending only $30K on a car is NOT cheap. It's more than 80% of Americans spend on cars. It's NOT being cheap.


I'm worth millions. My college grad got their 8 yo vehicle they'd been driving since 16 yo as a grad gift. Can I afford a new car for them? Sure. Do they need it? Nope. So they didn't get it. As long as their old car is safe and reliable they will drive it (or spend their own $$$ to replace it---thankfully they are frugal so happy with their extremely reliable car and plan to keep it). Am I cheap? Hell no! But just because we have $$$ doesn't mean we blow thru it. If needed we spend it, otherwise we are financially savy.

There’s a huge difference between giving your teenager a car and giving your elderly parents a car. Do you really not see that?

Not really. Spending $30K on a vehicle would be way more than my parents have ever spent on a vehicle (until their last care purchase 5 years ago when they spent $25K). I want my elderly parents to have a safe reliable new vehicle---but they don't need a BMW on my dime. Why would you think they require a luxury vehicle just because they are older? They are not entitled to a luxury car from their kids, and mine wouldn't expect it. Happy to help family members, but not happy to finance luxury when there is no added value. Cars get you safely from point A to B and back. Luxury adds no real value.
I will however happily spend so my parents are in a better retirement facility with more features that they actually can use and need since I live on the other side of the country and the siblings are not inclined to help when the parental units need anything, so that all falls to me (even if I pay for the siblings to fly to parents, they wont and always have a reasons they can't help even if it's free to them).

But if you feel the need to provide your parents with a BMW rather than a Honda, you go for it and spend your money. But don't try to tell others that it's "necessary".

You think $50k gets you a BMW instead of a Honda today? Seriously, when is the last time you bought a car? Lemme guess, pre-pandemic?

$50-55K will put you in an X3 or X1. Obviously if you want an EV or a larger vehicle it will be more. But yes, , $50K is the starting point for many luxury vehicles (Audi, bmw, Acura) Still driving a 12+ yo vehicle but have definately been test driving and pricing newer ones. So well versed in what's out there.

Fact is you can get a great smaller vehicle for $25-30K (think crosstek, CRV/accord, etc). Reliable, safe, great cars. You can also choose to spend $50K on some Hondas or start at $50K for luxury cars. But you don't need to spend $50K+ for a great reliable car

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

It sounds like your high income has allowed you to avoid talking about an issue where you actually don't agree and you're both uncomfortable. It seems like it's not really about the money for your DH exactly, it's more about the relationship with your parents. He might feel, for example, that it's a fancy car now but soon it'll be another fancy car and then live-in help or a fancy house or a fancy assisted living or supporting other relatives of yours, or whatever. He might feel that it will mess up his relationship with your dad-- men can have certain feelings about that He just doesn't have the same cultural norms that you do, and he's not comfortable with it. It's not about the money for him. It's about whether you're funding ILs' luxuries, or only their necessities. Because if you start in on luxuries there's no end to it.

My dad doesn’t have long to live. This has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. This car will be for my mom to take my dad to doctor appointments.

What difference does it make in their quality of life to have a fancy car versus a merely nice car?

When I give gifts, I try to be thoughtful. I would not want to give an inferior gift, something I would not use.

My mom already said she will probably only drive 1-2 years and she can just fix the current car. She said she doesn’t need a new car. I don’t want my mom driving an old car that keeps breaking down.

We will likely get a car that is around 40k. I gave DH the silent treatment. He didn’t even think this car purchase was an argument. He said I can get them whatever I want.

To all the posters who said it would be different if DH gave much more to his side of the family, I heard you. Thank you for the perspective.

You are coming across more childish with every post.

What do you do when you are mad at your spouse? Guess what? I won’t be sleeping with him either.

I speak to him, like an adult. Your husband didn't even know you were fighting, because this is all in your head. I mostly hate it when people say "I feel sorry for your X" on this board but -- your poor husband. He is paying for your parents' house, their incidentals, their current car, their next car, and according to you "whatever you want for you or the kids" and you're still the way that you are. Seriously, you don't have any reason to be upset, you just want to be. You seem bored. Get a job, or volunteer or something. Manufacturing drama in your own house is no way to live.

I am not bored. My dad is dying. My mom has cancer. Their car has been in and out of the shop multiple times since last year. They need a new car.

I wish I was bored. I am sandwiched between caring for our children and my elderly sick parents. My parents stress me out far more than my children. My dad has been in an out of the hospital this past year while the car would not start.

There was never not going to be a new car. You are manufacturing drama about how much the car should cost when your parents don't even care, damaging your marriage, taking your husband for granted, and being a child, all while trying to maintain the position that you don't really care about money or cars. You're a twit. Plenty of us are sandwiched between caring for children and elderly, sick parents without a taking ridiculous shots at the benefactor funding the whole endeavor and then bragging about it online.

How is this bragging?

DH said I can get my parent the car I wanted. I think I was more bothered at the lack of our finances being joint than about the car.

We will see what car my parents want. Fight over.

I actually was curious about the finances of other one earning households.

Yes, you are bragging that you gave him the silent treatment to "win" a fight that only you knew was happening and plan to withhold sex unless you get a blank check. Just because a brag doesn't land like you thought it would doesn't mean we can't see you.

I have better things to do than brag about being upset at my husband online.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

It sounds like your high income has allowed you to avoid talking about an issue where you actually don't agree and you're both uncomfortable. It seems like it's not really about the money for your DH exactly, it's more about the relationship with your parents. He might feel, for example, that it's a fancy car now but soon it'll be another fancy car and then live-in help or a fancy house or a fancy assisted living or supporting other relatives of yours, or whatever. He might feel that it will mess up his relationship with your dad-- men can have certain feelings about that He just doesn't have the same cultural norms that you do, and he's not comfortable with it. It's not about the money for him. It's about whether you're funding ILs' luxuries, or only their necessities. Because if you start in on luxuries there's no end to it.

My dad doesn’t have long to live. This has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. This car will be for my mom to take my dad to doctor appointments.

What difference does it make in their quality of life to have a fancy car versus a merely nice car?

When I give gifts, I try to be thoughtful. I would not want to give an inferior gift, something I would not use.

My mom already said she will probably only drive 1-2 years and she can just fix the current car. She said she doesn’t need a new car. I don’t want my mom driving an old car that keeps breaking down.

We will likely get a car that is around 40k. I gave DH the silent treatment. He didn’t even think this car purchase was an argument. He said I can get them whatever I want.

To all the posters who said it would be different if DH gave much more to his side of the family, I heard you. Thank you for the perspective.

You are coming across more childish with every post.

What do you do when you are mad at your spouse? Guess what? I won’t be sleeping with him either.

I speak to him, like an adult. Your husband didn't even know you were fighting, because this is all in your head. I mostly hate it when people say "I feel sorry for your X" on this board but -- your poor husband. He is paying for your parents' house, their incidentals, their current car, their next car, and according to you "whatever you want for you or the kids" and you're still the way that you are. Seriously, you don't have any reason to be upset, you just want to be. You seem bored. Get a job, or volunteer or something. Manufacturing drama in your own house is no way to live.

I am not bored. My dad is dying. My mom has cancer. Their car has been in and out of the shop multiple times since last year. They need a new car.

I wish I was bored. I am sandwiched between caring for our children and my elderly sick parents. My parents stress me out far more than my children. My dad has been in an out of the hospital this past year while the car would not start.

There was never not going to be a new car. You are manufacturing drama about how much the car should cost when your parents don't even care, damaging your marriage, taking your husband for granted, and being a child, all while trying to maintain the position that you don't really care about money or cars. You're a twit. Plenty of us are sandwiched between caring for children and elderly, sick parents without a taking ridiculous shots at the benefactor funding the whole endeavor and then bragging about it online.

How is this bragging?

DH said I can get my parent the car I wanted. I think I was more bothered at the lack of our finances being joint than about the car.

We will see what car my parents want. Fight over.

I actually was curious about the finances of other one earning households.

Yes, you are bragging that you gave him the silent treatment to "win" a fight that only you knew was happening and plan to withhold sex unless you get a blank check. Just because a brag doesn't land like you thought it would doesn't mean we can't see you.

I have better things to do than brag about being upset at my husband online.

. . . 9 pages deep, and replying to every post. Sure, Jan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

Once again---he did NOT say no to getting your parents a car. They want a "smaller car". You can EASILY find a smaller great vehicle for $25-30K. Most people would be so appreciative of a brand new Honda Accord/suburu cross fit/etc. There is no need to spend more on a car for your parents. Be grateful that your partner has agreed to spend so much on your family for so long. There is a huge difference between spending on your kids and on your parents. It sounds like it is YOU who wants the fancy car, not your parents. Is it so you can brag to your friends and other family members? It just doesn't make sense. Keep this up and your parner may not want to continue spending on family members for things they actually need. After a while it gets tiring when everyone else just expects you to foot the bill for everything in the family because "you are rich".

A Subaru costs more than $30k these days. $50k does not get you a luxury vehicle. You have not shopped for cars lately.

Subaru crosstek is $26-28K plus taxes, so ok maybe $32K with taxes. She herself said her mom does NOT want a large vehicle. Crosstek is a great vehicle with AWD as well.

Yes, I have shopped for cars recently. Can also get some Hondas for under $30-32K. Her mom doesn't need "I have 3 kids and need to transport their friends as well" vehicle.

Have you been in a Crosstrek? My sister has one. It would not be comfortable for an elderly person to get in and out of. At this point we’re talking about a $20k difference when they have a $2m+ hhi. I get why op’s upset.

Yes I've been in a crosstek. Also been in a newer CRV and it's completely good for an elderly couple. My elderly inlaws and parents both drive one. And that can be had for ~$30-33K. You do NOT have to spend $50K for a nice reliable comfortable car for an elderly couple. You can think that, but it is simply not true. And just because they "have the money" does not mean they need to spend it for this. Their HHI is $3M. It's likely they pay close to 50% of that for state/federal taxes yearly. Take too many instances of "it's only $20-30K more just spend it" and they wont have much money to save each year. Smart people don't just spend to spend more money. They look for value.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

It sounds like your high income has allowed you to avoid talking about an issue where you actually don't agree and you're both uncomfortable. It seems like it's not really about the money for your DH exactly, it's more about the relationship with your parents. He might feel, for example, that it's a fancy car now but soon it'll be another fancy car and then live-in help or a fancy house or a fancy assisted living or supporting other relatives of yours, or whatever. He might feel that it will mess up his relationship with your dad-- men can have certain feelings about that He just doesn't have the same cultural norms that you do, and he's not comfortable with it. It's not about the money for him. It's about whether you're funding ILs' luxuries, or only their necessities. Because if you start in on luxuries there's no end to it.

My dad doesn’t have long to live. This has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. This car will be for my mom to take my dad to doctor appointments.

What difference does it make in their quality of life to have a fancy car versus a merely nice car?

When I give gifts, I try to be thoughtful. I would not want to give an inferior gift, something I would not use.

My mom already said she will probably only drive 1-2 years and she can just fix the current car. She said she doesn’t need a new car. I don’t want my mom driving an old car that keeps breaking down.

We will likely get a car that is around 40k. I gave DH the silent treatment. He didn’t even think this car purchase was an argument. He said I can get them whatever I want.

To all the posters who said it would be different if DH gave much more to his side of the family, I heard you. Thank you for the perspective.

You are coming across more childish with every post.

What do you do when you are mad at your spouse? Guess what? I won’t be sleeping with him either.

I speak to him, like an adult. Your husband didn't even know you were fighting, because this is all in your head. I mostly hate it when people say "I feel sorry for your X" on this board but -- your poor husband. He is paying for your parents' house, their incidentals, their current car, their next car, and according to you "whatever you want for you or the kids" and you're still the way that you are. Seriously, you don't have any reason to be upset, you just want to be. You seem bored. Get a job, or volunteer or something. Manufacturing drama in your own house is no way to live.

I am not bored. My dad is dying. My mom has cancer. Their car has been in and out of the shop multiple times since last year. They need a new car.

I wish I was bored. I am sandwiched between caring for our children and my elderly sick parents. My parents stress me out far more than my children. My dad has been in an out of the hospital this past year while the car would not start.

There was never not going to be a new car. You are manufacturing drama about how much the car should cost when your parents don't even care, damaging your marriage, taking your husband for granted, and being a child, all while trying to maintain the position that you don't really care about money or cars. You're a twit. Plenty of us are sandwiched between caring for children and elderly, sick parents without a taking ridiculous shots at the benefactor funding the whole endeavor and then bragging about it online.

How is this bragging?

DH said I can get my parent the car I wanted. I think I was more bothered at the lack of our finances being joint than about the car.

We will see what car my parents want. Fight over.

I actually was curious about the finances of other one earning households.

Yes, you are bragging that you gave him the silent treatment to "win" a fight that only you knew was happening and plan to withhold sex unless you get a blank check. Just because a brag doesn't land like you thought it would doesn't mean we can't see you.

I have better things to do than brag about being upset at my husband online.

. . . 9 pages deep, and replying to every post. Sure, Jan.

Yes, still giving Dh a bit of silence while he is solo downstairs with the kids. I have not been this mad/upset DH for a long time. I am getting what I want but I am still displeased at DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

It sounds like your high income has allowed you to avoid talking about an issue where you actually don't agree and you're both uncomfortable. It seems like it's not really about the money for your DH exactly, it's more about the relationship with your parents. He might feel, for example, that it's a fancy car now but soon it'll be another fancy car and then live-in help or a fancy house or a fancy assisted living or supporting other relatives of yours, or whatever. He might feel that it will mess up his relationship with your dad-- men can have certain feelings about that He just doesn't have the same cultural norms that you do, and he's not comfortable with it. It's not about the money for him. It's about whether you're funding ILs' luxuries, or only their necessities. Because if you start in on luxuries there's no end to it.

My dad doesn’t have long to live. This has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. This car will be for my mom to take my dad to doctor appointments.

What difference does it make in their quality of life to have a fancy car versus a merely nice car?

When I give gifts, I try to be thoughtful. I would not want to give an inferior gift, something I would not use.

My mom already said she will probably only drive 1-2 years and she can just fix the current car. She said she doesn’t need a new car. I don’t want my mom driving an old car that keeps breaking down.

We will likely get a car that is around 40k. I gave DH the silent treatment. He didn’t even think this car purchase was an argument. He said I can get them whatever I want.

To all the posters who said it would be different if DH gave much more to his side of the family, I heard you. Thank you for the perspective.

You are coming across more childish with every post.

What do you do when you are mad at your spouse? Guess what? I won’t be sleeping with him either.

I speak to him, like an adult. Your husband didn't even know you were fighting, because this is all in your head. I mostly hate it when people say "I feel sorry for your X" on this board but -- your poor husband. He is paying for your parents' house, their incidentals, their current car, their next car, and according to you "whatever you want for you or the kids" and you're still the way that you are. Seriously, you don't have any reason to be upset, you just want to be. You seem bored. Get a job, or volunteer or something. Manufacturing drama in your own house is no way to live.

I am not bored. My dad is dying. My mom has cancer. Their car has been in and out of the shop multiple times since last year. They need a new car.

I wish I was bored. I am sandwiched between caring for our children and my elderly sick parents. My parents stress me out far more than my children. My dad has been in an out of the hospital this past year while the car would not start.

There was never not going to be a new car. You are manufacturing drama about how much the car should cost when your parents don't even care, damaging your marriage, taking your husband for granted, and being a child, all while trying to maintain the position that you don't really care about money or cars. You're a twit. Plenty of us are sandwiched between caring for children and elderly, sick parents without a taking ridiculous shots at the benefactor funding the whole endeavor and then bragging about it online.

How is this bragging?

DH said I can get my parent the car I wanted. I think I was more bothered at the lack of our finances being joint than about the car.

We will see what car my parents want. Fight over.

I actually was curious about the finances of other one earning households.

Yes, you are bragging that you gave him the silent treatment to "win" a fight that only you knew was happening and plan to withhold sex unless you get a blank check. Just because a brag doesn't land like you thought it would doesn't mean we can't see you.

I have better things to do than brag about being upset at my husband online.

. . . 9 pages deep, and replying to every post. Sure, Jan.

Yes, still giving Dh a bit of silence while he is solo downstairs with the kids. I have not been this mad/upset DH for a long time. I am getting what I want but I am still displeased at DH.

Because you are a child.

[Anonymous]

If your mom is only planning to drive for 2 more years, then lease them something nice.

[Anonymous]

I've commented a couple of times on your post. I'm the SAHM with an $800k HHI. I've been encouraging you to reframe how you think. You are approaching your marriage like a parent/child relationship. Your husband "lets" you do things. If you don't like something, you pout and throw a tantrum.

Be an adult. Come to the negotiating table. Hear his concerns and offer compromises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

It sounds like your high income has allowed you to avoid talking about an issue where you actually don't agree and you're both uncomfortable. It seems like it's not really about the money for your DH exactly, it's more about the relationship with your parents. He might feel, for example, that it's a fancy car now but soon it'll be another fancy car and then live-in help or a fancy house or a fancy assisted living or supporting other relatives of yours, or whatever. He might feel that it will mess up his relationship with your dad-- men can have certain feelings about that He just doesn't have the same cultural norms that you do, and he's not comfortable with it. It's not about the money for him. It's about whether you're funding ILs' luxuries, or only their necessities. Because if you start in on luxuries there's no end to it.

My dad doesn’t have long to live. This has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. This car will be for my mom to take my dad to doctor appointments.

What difference does it make in their quality of life to have a fancy car versus a merely nice car?

When I give gifts, I try to be thoughtful. I would not want to give an inferior gift, something I would not use.

My mom already said she will probably only drive 1-2 years and she can just fix the current car. She said she doesn’t need a new car. I don’t want my mom driving an old car that keeps breaking down.

We will likely get a car that is around 40k. I gave DH the silent treatment. He didn’t even think this car purchase was an argument. He said I can get them whatever I want.

To all the posters who said it would be different if DH gave much more to his side of the family, I heard you. Thank you for the perspective.

You are coming across more childish with every post.

What do you do when you are mad at your spouse? Guess what? I won’t be sleeping with him either.

I speak to him, like an adult. Your husband didn't even know you were fighting, because this is all in your head. I mostly hate it when people say "I feel sorry for your X" on this board but -- your poor husband. He is paying for your parents' house, their incidentals, their current car, their next car, and according to you "whatever you want for you or the kids" and you're still the way that you are. Seriously, you don't have any reason to be upset, you just want to be. You seem bored. Get a job, or volunteer or something. Manufacturing drama in your own house is no way to live.

I am not bored. My dad is dying. My mom has cancer. Their car has been in and out of the shop multiple times since last year. They need a new car.

I wish I was bored. I am sandwiched between caring for our children and my elderly sick parents. My parents stress me out far more than my children. My dad has been in an out of the hospital this past year while the car would not start.

There was never not going to be a new car. You are manufacturing drama about how much the car should cost when your parents don't even care, damaging your marriage, taking your husband for granted, and being a child, all while trying to maintain the position that you don't really care about money or cars. You're a twit. Plenty of us are sandwiched between caring for children and elderly, sick parents without a taking ridiculous shots at the benefactor funding the whole endeavor and then bragging about it online.

How is this bragging?

DH said I can get my parent the car I wanted. I think I was more bothered at the lack of our finances being joint than about the car.

We will see what car my parents want. Fight over.

I actually was curious about the finances of other one earning households.

If you feel have to do the silent treatment, your finances are not joint. You can't have joint finances when one person acts like a child. That's not how it works. You both have to act like adults.

I still don't understand why a person who doesn't care about cars cares so much about buying her mom a needlessly fancy car when her mom claims not to want a new car at all. It seems like you do care quite a bit about something here, but it certainly isn't being "equal" with your DH, or you'd act like an adult instead of a child. Is this to show off for your other relatives? Or because you feel your parents actually do expect it? Or just to prove to yourself that you can get what you want from your DH? I don't get it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there are various issues at play.

-the dynamics of not having your own income
-what you believe is a reasonable cost for a car
-asking your spouse to support in-laws financially

I stay at home and my spouse earns about $800k. He's spendier by nature than I am so there's that. I noticed you said your husband "lets" you do this or that. You also said that *he* got you your $110k car. Did you not pick out your own car? Change the way you tell yourself these stories. Part of being an equal in the partnership is believing it yourself. He doesn't let you spend money; you decide together that it's OK to spend money. He doesn't buy you a car (unless he bought it without your input); you decide together what your budget is, and then you pick out your own car.

My husband has a $70k car. Cars aren't my thing. I have a $32k car. Obviously my husband would support me getting a $70k car if I wanted one, but I don't. So I spend that money on Disney World instead.

As for supporting your parents, I think the disconnect here is that your husband is such a car snob that it seems like he wants your parents to drive trash because he thinks a $25k car is trash. So it doesn't paint your husband in the best light. But objectively speaking, you can get a perfectly serviceable and functional car for $25k. You should figure out if you are also a car snob, or if you are upset by the implied disrespect to your parents.

That said, you should never take it for granted that your spouse will approve giving away your money to relatives. Approach those conversations carefully and with respect. And keep in mind that he didn't say no to a car . . . he just suggested a budget lower than you apparently desire. That might indicate that he is tiring of these expenses. It may not be about the appropriate price for a car so much as it's about the never-ending asks.

One thing that has helped our dynamics is to give both of us the same amount of fun money. Because I would be so cautious and debate whether to spend $200 on a few items of clothing for myself, and then my husband would buy himself multiple pairs of $200 jeans. This way, if I want something that I feel is extravagant, the money is already there. Or I can save it up and donate it or spend it on a trip or whatever. It emboldens me to treat myself, which is a good thing considering that it's never fun to deny yourself and then look over at your spouse merrily spending without a second thought.

You have painted your husband as being rather ungenerous but the fact is that he approves of spending all this money on your inlaws. That may just not be a bottomless check. He may not view it as being stingy with friends; maybe he just doesn't want people to expect him to pay. Or maybe he thinks it's respectful to treat the other person like an equal who can pay their share of the bill, even if they don't earn millions of dollars a year. My gazillionaire uncle doesn't pay for everyone all the time; he doesn't want to create lazy dependents (I'm not saying that elderly people like your parents are lazy at all . . . this is in reference to his grandchildren).

So stop telling yourself that your husband controls the purse strings and lets you do things. If you want a fancy a$$ car, then own it; don't act like your husband twisted your arm. If you DON'T want a fancy a$$ car, then say so. But I still don't understand what is wrong with getting your parents a $30k car. It sounds like you are mad on principle . . . mad that he is a car snob but doesn't extend that to cars he gifts to struggling relatives. But I think it's like if you flew them to Europe with you, but you bought them coach tickets (assuming they weren't frail and uncomfortable in the seats). Yes, for you, flying in coach is unthinkable. But it's what the vast majority of people do. And even coach tickets cost a lot these days. Or let's say you're flying your teens with you. You want the lie flat seats, but do teenagers need them? You are still being generous even if you gift someone something that's not as luxurious as what you would get yourself. It's still a gift, where none was required.

DH put his name down for a Tesla before/during the pandemic. The wait list for the Tesla was so long that he got another car during the wait time. When the delivery time came, he asked if I wanted it. I didn’t really care. My car was getting kind of old. It is 6 years old. He basically got the Tesla for our family and I am driving it. I don’t really care about cars.

We just spent 40k on spring break. We can very easily buy this car for my parents. DH is expecting a very large influx of money next month and this is before his new bump in compensation. We also have other investments that should have a multi million dollar return. I guess we do talk about money. We just don’t talk about spending it. I usually just do whatever I want as long as it is for the kids and me and not others.

It sounds like your high income has allowed you to avoid talking about an issue where you actually don't agree and you're both uncomfortable. It seems like it's not really about the money for your DH exactly, it's more about the relationship with your parents. He might feel, for example, that it's a fancy car now but soon it'll be another fancy car and then live-in help or a fancy house or a fancy assisted living or supporting other relatives of yours, or whatever. He might feel that it will mess up his relationship with your dad-- men can have certain feelings about that He just doesn't have the same cultural norms that you do, and he's not comfortable with it. It's not about the money for him. It's about whether you're funding ILs' luxuries, or only their necessities. Because if you start in on luxuries there's no end to it.

My dad doesn’t have long to live. This has absolutely nothing to do with my dad. This car will be for my mom to take my dad to doctor appointments.

What difference does it make in their quality of life to have a fancy car versus a merely nice car?

When I give gifts, I try to be thoughtful. I would not want to give an inferior gift, something I would not use.

My mom already said she will probably only drive 1-2 years and she can just fix the current car. She said she doesn’t need a new car. I don’t want my mom driving an old car that keeps breaking down.

We will likely get a car that is around 40k. I gave DH the silent treatment. He didn’t even think this car purchase was an argument. He said I can get them whatever I want.

To all the posters who said it would be different if DH gave much more to his side of the family, I heard you. Thank you for the perspective.

You are coming across more childish with every post.

What do you do when you are mad at your spouse? Guess what? I won’t be sleeping with him either.

I speak to him, like an adult. Your husband didn't even know you were fighting, because this is all in your head. I mostly hate it when people say "I feel sorry for your X" on this board but -- your poor husband. He is paying for your parents' house, their incidentals, their current car, their next car, and according to you "whatever you want for you or the kids" and you're still the way that you are. Seriously, you don't have any reason to be upset, you just want to be. You seem bored. Get a job, or volunteer or something. Manufacturing drama in your own house is no way to live.

I am not bored. My dad is dying. My mom has cancer. Their car has been in and out of the shop multiple times since last year. They need a new car.

I wish I was bored. I am sandwiched between caring for our children and my elderly sick parents. My parents stress me out far more than my children. My dad has been in an out of the hospital this past year while the car would not start.

There was never not going to be a new car. You are manufacturing drama about how much the car should cost when your parents don't even care, damaging your marriage, taking your husband for granted, and being a child, all while trying to maintain the position that you don't really care about money or cars. You're a twit. Plenty of us are sandwiched between caring for children and elderly, sick parents without a taking ridiculous shots at the benefactor funding the whole endeavor and then bragging about it online.

How is this bragging?

DH said I can get my parent the car I wanted. I think I was more bothered at the lack of our finances being joint than about the car.

We will see what car my parents want. Fight over.

I actually was curious about the finances of other one earning households.

Yes, you are bragging that you gave him the silent treatment to "win" a fight that only you knew was happening and plan to withhold sex unless you get a blank check. Just because a brag doesn't land like you thought it would doesn't mean we can't see you.

I have better things to do than brag about being upset at my husband online.

. . . 9 pages deep, and replying to every post. Sure, Jan.

Yes, still giving Dh a bit of silence while he is solo downstairs with the kids. I have not been this mad/upset DH for a long time. I am getting what I want but I am still displeased at DH.

Because you are a child.

I take a break when I’m upset. I am entitled to my feelings. This whole situation is only a few hours long so being upset for a few hours does not seem unreasonable. I’m too upset to do anything so here I am responding to strangers on the internet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've commented a couple of times on your post. I'm the SAHM with an $800k HHI. I've been encouraging you to reframe how you think. You are approaching your marriage like a parent/child relationship. Your husband "lets" you do things. If you don't like something, you pout and throw a tantrum.

Be an adult. Come to the negotiating table. Hear his concerns and offer compromises.

Op, dcum is full of noise, but this person shares your circumstances. I’d listen to her. You are arguing for an equal partnership in your marriage. That’s really the crux of the matter.