Strange comment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand why you are annoyed and I understand why MIL responded the way she did. Your comment was unnecessary and awkward in the moment. That could have been a private suggestion to your husband later on.

(And it should be left to him to decide how he wanted to use the money. If my parents give me money for my birthday, they would expect me to use it to treat myself to something nice/fun, not for household expenses. I could see them being upset if my husband made a comment like you did in front of them.)

If I'm going to make the comment to my husband what difference does it make if I wait 5 seconds or 5 hours later?

OP, it appears that you're not getting it. Forget about deciding what to do with the money. I'd equate this with MIL giving your DH a card with a check inside. As your DH opens the card, you start in with "MIL, Thank you SO SO much for the money. It is SO generous of you and I appreciate it so much."

Can you see how you saying even that can be rude to your MIL? and to your DH?

Of course you and DH can decide jointly what to do with the $$ and of course you both may have already decided. But you took the joy away from your MIL gifting something to her son. It's just decent protocol for your DH to comment - in front of MIL - about the $$. Whethe it's saying thank you or whether it's suggesting what to do with the $$.

Ok but how is that rude she is literally saying thank you?? We are a married couple a unit. As one. We figure a gift to one is a family gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad your husband is backing you up, but I think you overstepped here. Your MIL may feel that your husband doesn't have enough say or that you are domineering, and you affirmed that when you announced when he would be doing with his birthday present. She was giving the cash in lieu of a physical gift, so that he could pick his own. And you basically announced it would go towards household expenses instead.

Why would my MIL get a say on that though? It isn't her business to have opinions on our marriage or to insert her opinion our marriage is between my husband and I not his mother, my husband, and I.

Of course she is entitled to have options on your marriage. And right now I would bet that her opinion isn't very positive.

No one is allowed to have say or opinions on someone else's marriage. A marriage is between 2 people last time I checked. Not between 2 people and their mommy. Or 2 people and their daddy. Or 2 people and their best friend.

Everyone is entitled to opinions, only the OP and her husband decide who has a say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad your husband is backing you up, but I think you overstepped here. Your MIL may feel that your husband doesn't have enough say or that you are domineering, and you affirmed that when you announced when he would be doing with his birthday present. She was giving the cash in lieu of a physical gift, so that he could pick his own. And you basically announced it would go towards household expenses instead.

Why would my MIL get a say on that though? It isn't her business to have opinions on our marriage or to insert her opinion our marriage is between my husband and I not his mother, my husband, and I.

Of course she is entitled to have options on your marriage. And right now I would bet that her opinion isn't very positive.

No one is allowed to have say or opinions on someone else's marriage. A marriage is between 2 people last time I checked. Not between 2 people and their mommy. Or 2 people and their daddy. Or 2 people and their best friend.

What?!? Everyone in the entire world is allowed to have an opinion on anything they want. FULL STOP.
I agree that they can’t have a say, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand why you are annoyed and I understand why MIL responded the way she did. Your comment was unnecessary and awkward in the moment. That could have been a private suggestion to your husband later on.

(And it should be left to him to decide how he wanted to use the money. If my parents give me money for my birthday, they would expect me to use it to treat myself to something nice/fun, not for household expenses. I could see them being upset if my husband made a comment like you did in front of them.)

If I'm going to make the comment to my husband what difference does it make if I wait 5 seconds or 5 hours later?

OP, it appears that you're not getting it. Forget about deciding what to do with the money. I'd equate this with MIL giving your DH a card with a check inside. As your DH opens the card, you start in with "MIL, Thank you SO SO much for the money. It is SO generous of you and I appreciate it so much."

Can you see how you saying even that can be rude to your MIL? and to your DH?

Of course you and DH can decide jointly what to do with the $$ and of course you both may have already decided. But you took the joy away from your MIL gifting something to her son. It's just decent protocol for your DH to comment - in front of MIL - about the $$. Whethe it's saying thank you or whether it's suggesting what to do with the $$.

Ok but how is that rude she is literally saying thank you?? We are a married couple a unit. As one. We figure a gift to one is a family gift.

Haha, no.
Do you let your husband hang out with his friends without you tagging along? Do you let him do things without you?
You sound really unhinged and needy.
Do you not see yourself as a separate independent human being without your husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand why you are annoyed and I understand why MIL responded the way she did. Your comment was unnecessary and awkward in the moment. That could have been a private suggestion to your husband later on.

(And it should be left to him to decide how he wanted to use the money. If my parents give me money for my birthday, they would expect me to use it to treat myself to something nice/fun, not for household expenses. I could see them being upset if my husband made a comment like you did in front of them.)

If I'm going to make the comment to my husband what difference does it make if I wait 5 seconds or 5 hours later?

OP, it appears that you're not getting it. Forget about deciding what to do with the money. I'd equate this with MIL giving your DH a card with a check inside. As your DH opens the card, you start in with "MIL, Thank you SO SO much for the money. It is SO generous of you and I appreciate it so much."

Can you see how you saying even that can be rude to your MIL? and to your DH?

Of course you and DH can decide jointly what to do with the $$ and of course you both may have already decided. But you took the joy away from your MIL gifting something to her son. It's just decent protocol for your DH to comment - in front of MIL - about the $$. Whethe it's saying thank you or whether it's suggesting what to do with the $$.

Ok but how is that rude she is literally saying thank you?? We are a married couple a unit. As one. We figure a gift to one is a family gift.

It’s rude because she is assuming the gift is for her, when it is actually a gift for her husband. I’m astounded that you can’t see that.

And what’s with the “every gift is a family gift” bs?

[Anonymous]

Team OP here, but also Team "Money is the Root of All Evil."

OP did nothing wrong by making the comment on renovations. Presumably the renovations are for the enjoyment and benefit of her DH! MIL was way out of line to respond how she did. Then OP responded in kind. So I would say, MIL started it.

HOWEVER, money is the root of all evil, I firmly firmly believe that. It makes normal people act in stupid ways, particularly when mixed with family and gifts and inheritances. Because of that, I would suggest that OP extend an olive branch with a message of acknolwedgement (not exactly apology) and a desire to put it all behind them. Definitely do not perpetuate the situation by having her DH get involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You got between her and her son for no good reason. Your comment was overstepping and rude.

+100!

Save the "it's our money" for when you and DH are home alone and doing the household budget.

This was not a Home Depot gift card. This was not a joint holiday gift.

You were out of line to speak up at the moment. STRANGE COMMENT = YOURS OP.

(and no, I am not a MIL, just a DW)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand why you are annoyed and I understand why MIL responded the way she did. Your comment was unnecessary and awkward in the moment. That could have been a private suggestion to your husband later on.

(And it should be left to him to decide how he wanted to use the money. If my parents give me money for my birthday, they would expect me to use it to treat myself to something nice/fun, not for household expenses. I could see them being upset if my husband made a comment like you did in front of them.)

If I'm going to make the comment to my husband what difference does it make if I wait 5 seconds or 5 hours later?

OP, it appears that you're not getting it. Forget about deciding what to do with the money. I'd equate this with MIL giving your DH a card with a check inside. As your DH opens the card, you start in with "MIL, Thank you SO SO much for the money. It is SO generous of you and I appreciate it so much."

Can you see how you saying even that can be rude to your MIL? and to your DH?

Of course you and DH can decide jointly what to do with the $$ and of course you both may have already decided. But you took the joy away from your MIL gifting something to her son. It's just decent protocol for your DH to comment - in front of MIL - about the $$. Whethe it's saying thank you or whether it's suggesting what to do with the $$.

Ok but how is that rude she is literally saying thank you?? We are a married couple a unit. As one. We figure a gift to one is a family gift.

Haha, no.
Do you let your husband hang out with his friends without you tagging along? Do you let him do things without you?
You sound really unhinged and needy.
Do you not see yourself as a separate independent human being without your husband?

Yeah, the bolded is crazy. If she gave him $25 is that family gift? If she gave him 6pr of socks, is that a family gift? But because it's $1000, it's suddenly a family gift? If my mom gave me $1k she would expect me to spend it on something special for myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand why you are annoyed and I understand why MIL responded the way she did. Your comment was unnecessary and awkward in the moment. That could have been a private suggestion to your husband later on.

(And it should be left to him to decide how he wanted to use the money. If my parents give me money for my birthday, they would expect me to use it to treat myself to something nice/fun, not for household expenses. I could see them being upset if my husband made a comment like you did in front of them.)

If I'm going to make the comment to my husband what difference does it make if I wait 5 seconds or 5 hours later?

There is a place and time for everything. Didn't you learn that growing up?

So yes, 5 hours at home would be very different. You went 0-2 OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand why you are annoyed and I understand why MIL responded the way she did. Your comment was unnecessary and awkward in the moment. That could have been a private suggestion to your husband later on.

(And it should be left to him to decide how he wanted to use the money. If my parents give me money for my birthday, they would expect me to use it to treat myself to something nice/fun, not for household expenses. I could see them being upset if my husband made a comment like you did in front of them.)

If I'm going to make the comment to my husband what difference does it make if I wait 5 seconds or 5 hours later?

OP, it appears that you're not getting it. Forget about deciding what to do with the money. I'd equate this with MIL giving your DH a card with a check inside. As your DH opens the card, you start in with "MIL, Thank you SO SO much for the money. It is SO generous of you and I appreciate it so much."

Can you see how you saying even that can be rude to your MIL? and to your DH?

Of course you and DH can decide jointly what to do with the $$ and of course you both may have already decided. But you took the joy away from your MIL gifting something to her son. It's just decent protocol for your DH to comment - in front of MIL - about the $$. Whethe it's saying thank you or whether it's suggesting what to do with the $$.

Ok but how is that rude she is literally saying thank you?? We are a married couple a unit. As one. We figure a gift to one is a family gift.

Haha, no.
Do you let your husband hang out with his friends without you tagging along? Do you let him do things without you?
You sound really unhinged and needy.
Do you not see yourself as a separate independent human being without your husband?

Yeah, the bolded is crazy. If she gave him $25 is that family gift? If she gave him 6pr of socks, is that a family gift? But because it's $1000, it's suddenly a family gift? If my mom gave me $1k she would expect me to spend it on something special for myself.

Agree! Does DH wear her earrings, new shoes, and carry her purses? I am guessing those are things for the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm glad your husband is backing you up, but I think you overstepped here. Your MIL may feel that your husband doesn't have enough say or that you are domineering, and you affirmed that when you announced when he would be doing with his birthday present. She was giving the cash in lieu of a physical gift, so that he could pick his own. And you basically announced it would go towards household expenses instead.

Why would my MIL get a say on that though? It isn't her business to have opinions on our marriage or to insert her opinion our marriage is between my husband and I not his mother, my husband, and I.

Of course she is entitled to have options on your marriage. And right now I would bet that her opinion isn't very positive.

No one is allowed to have say or opinions on someone else's marriage. A marriage is between 2 people last time I checked. Not between 2 people and their mommy. Or 2 people and their daddy. Or 2 people and their best friend.

Anyone can have an opinion on anything they want, and they can also share it with anyone they want. Just like I am now sharing my opinion with you that you are an absolute nightmare. See? I had an opinion and I shared it. I’m allowed to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet this MIL is the type who doesn't even acknowledge her DIL's birthday but gives him a ton of money. $1000 for a birthday gift that's a ton of money.

So?

Because why do all you MILs not acknowledge your DILs when they are family and an extension of your son or talk about treating your son like gold and taking him shopping and not including your DIL in her birthday? Thank god my MIL includes me and treats us equal.

I am not an extension of my husband, nor he of me. I am an individual. My MIL treats me well, but of course she loves her son more than she loves me. I would be shocked and dismayed if it were any other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand why you are annoyed and I understand why MIL responded the way she did. Your comment was unnecessary and awkward in the moment. That could have been a private suggestion to your husband later on.

(And it should be left to him to decide how he wanted to use the money. If my parents give me money for my birthday, they would expect me to use it to treat myself to something nice/fun, not for household expenses. I could see them being upset if my husband made a comment like you did in front of them.)

If I'm going to make the comment to my husband what difference does it make if I wait 5 seconds or 5 hours later?

OP, it appears that you're not getting it. Forget about deciding what to do with the money. I'd equate this with MIL giving your DH a card with a check inside. As your DH opens the card, you start in with "MIL, Thank you SO SO much for the money. It is SO generous of you and I appreciate it so much."

Can you see how you saying even that can be rude to your MIL? and to your DH?

Of course you and DH can decide jointly what to do with the $$ and of course you both may have already decided. But you took the joy away from your MIL gifting something to her son. It's just decent protocol for your DH to comment - in front of MIL - about the $$. Whethe it's saying thank you or whether it's suggesting what to do with the $$.

Ok but how is that rude she is literally saying thank you?? We are a married couple a unit. As one. We figure a gift to one is a family gift.

So when your MIL gives you a sweater, you’re cool with your husband wearing it and stretching it out, right? Because it’s a family gift, as all gifts are

[Anonymous]

OP, big mistake talking about how you and your husband spend your money. I've made the same mistake thinking it was innocuous. It's not. They come from a different generation where the male controls the finances. And also, it's her son, so she's protective of "his" money. When you talk about home renovations, all she hears is that you are spending all of his hard earned money on unnecessary things.

It took me a while to understand too. I couldn't understand why she kept repeatedly telling us to go buy furniture at this salvage yard out by them. I asked them if they ever bought anything from there, but they said no. Or when we said our deck was falling apart and needed replacing, she said, it looks fine to me, it doesn't need replacing. I couldn't figure out why she kept arguing with me. But when my husband said to her it needed replacing, she agreed with him. So it needs to come from the husband, not you.

Also, I'm sorry but I agree with your MIL. If it was a birthday present for your husband - he DOES get to spend it how he wants. They intended that as a gift for him. Your comment implies that if they had gifted him a suit for his birthday, then you have every right to go sell it off to pay for some shared gift for you and your husband. That would be incredibly rude.

[Anonymous]

If you comment that spouses share money or all gifts are shared, you’re missing the point. Even in those cases, it would be appropriate for the husband to also have his say before the wife decided what they’d do with the money! She made a unilateral decision on what do do with either “their” or “his” money. Neither is ok!