Feeling bad about parenting with overwhelm.

[Anonymous]

I am going through an absolutely insane time: parent abroad having major medical issues that need to go help with for a few weeks, awful, toxic job issues with boss who ignores me, NEW job offer with a really intense up front planning period that am juggling with old job so as not to sink both jobs, just found out we have a huge huge debt that wasn't aware of that means we prob have to pull the kids out of their school and move. You guys I am drowning and overwhelmed. And struggling SO MUCH to keep things ticking over and normal and not reveal my huge stress levels.
Will they notice? Trying so hard but it feels like these waves of things just keep coming.

[Anonymous]

Sending you a virtual hug - this sounds like a huge burden to carry.
A relative recently went through a really hard time, and I noticed that she would not actively ask for help or let people help.
You don't mention a partner, but please try to lean on anyone in your life who could help with literally anything. It doesn't have to be a best friend or family member. I have asked moms I've met once to please take my kid for an evening. I have called friends whom I hadn't spoken with for years and never really revealed my deep secrets to, and cried to them and told them everything. You will be surprised how much people will help.

With your kids, I think it's really important to process it with them, and tell them that mommy is having a hard time, but we love each other and we will get through this and it'll be okay. Don't avoid talking about it in an attempt to pretend everything's normal and leave them alone with their fears.

[Anonymous]

[Anonymous]

Since you're quitting the old job, maybe you need to set some boundaries on how much you do for them.

What's up with the debt though? Has someone been spending money without telling you?

[Anonymous]

If you have mom friends, neighbors, or just acquaintances you feel comfortable with ask for help.

A woman I sort of know mentioned in passing that her mom was ill and she had been traveling 6hrs drive away in short notice every 2-3 weeks. Her son is in an activity with mine. I reached out to her and her spouse to say “We will drive your child to/from activity any time. He can stay for dinner after the activity if you aren’t home. You do not need to reciprocate. We leave at x time on Tuesdays, just text me 15 min before we leave so I can swing by and get him.”

That is a lot of things at once, but many people go through challenging times occasionally. I try to step in and help when I can because some day I may be the one who needs help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have mom friends, neighbors, or just acquaintances you feel comfortable with ask for help.

A woman I sort of know mentioned in passing that her mom was ill and she had been traveling 6hrs drive away in short notice every 2-3 weeks. Her son is in an activity with mine. I reached out to her and her spouse to say “We will drive your child to/from activity any time. He can stay for dinner after the activity if you aren’t home. You do not need to reciprocate. We leave at x time on Tuesdays, just text me 15 min before we leave so I can swing by and get him.”

That is a lot of things at once, but many people go through challenging times occasionally. I try to step in and help when I can because some day I may be the one who needs help.

aw pp that is so nice of you.
yes dh is helping and will be ok i think when i'm gone. I do have moms who could take the kids too yes.
I just find i'm so exhausted and burned out and anxious all the time that it's hard to be a good parent. I get so stressed that my eye twitches and i feel like i need to go to sleep.
the debt is related to a tax autopay screwup - v stressful. but if i can keep my sh*t together long enough to deal with new job + old job (+ parent stuff) then i will make it up in new comp.

[Anonymous]

It's really okay to sit your kids down (if they're like 3 or older) and explain you have a lot of grownup stress going on with Grandma and Grandpa being sick and changing jobs so if they notice you're stressed then that's why. If there is something direct they can do tell them - it would really lower my stress if you guys unpacked your lunch box every day after school without me having to tell you.

You can also just say "we've decided to move! this means a new job for me and new schools for you!" and don't have to tell them there was a tax issue or that you owe a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have mom friends, neighbors, or just acquaintances you feel comfortable with ask for help.

A woman I sort of know mentioned in passing that her mom was ill and she had been traveling 6hrs drive away in short notice every 2-3 weeks. Her son is in an activity with mine. I reached out to her and her spouse to say “We will drive your child to/from activity any time. He can stay for dinner after the activity if you aren’t home. You do not need to reciprocate. We leave at x time on Tuesdays, just text me 15 min before we leave so I can swing by and get him.”

That is a lot of things at once, but many people go through challenging times occasionally. I try to step in and help when I can because some day I may be the one who needs help.

So nice and perfect.

[Anonymous]

Huge debt, what is that about? Some people on this site may have ideas for you on how to manage it.
Focusing on new job is better than your now short term old one. Put up good boundaries for your exit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Huge debt, what is that about? Some people on this site may have ideas for you on how to manage it.
Focusing on new job is better than your now short term old one. Put up good boundaries for your exit.

The impression I got was an independent contractor and a problem with estimated quarterly payments.

[Anonymous]

Tax autopay screwup? So underpaid for a lengthy period? Hire tax professional to help address issue and negotiate lower penalty if possible and payment plan. And to make sure you are on track for current year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tax autopay screwup? So underpaid for a lengthy period? Hire tax professional to help address issue and negotiate lower penalty if possible and payment plan. And to make sure you are on track for current year.

op - yes our accountant is setting up a payment plan for us. we have the money, it's just going to have to be reallocated and changes a bunch of things. nightmare.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP. You have a lot going on.

I don't know if it's bad parenting but I'm pretty open with my kids when there's a lot going on.

Even just right now, I ended up in the hospital with pneumonia this week, and when I got back, I just told them "Hey, I'm not my best self right now. I'm not feeling well and I'm really tired. I'm going to need you to X,Y,Z to help out a bit until I'm better."

My DH can handle everything while I'm down & out, but I think kids can and should learn to step up when needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. You have a lot going on.

I don't know if it's bad parenting but I'm pretty open with my kids when there's a lot going on.

Even just right now, I ended up in the hospital with pneumonia this week, and when I got back, I just told them "Hey, I'm not my best self right now. I'm not feeling well and I'm really tired. I'm going to need you to X,Y,Z to help out a bit until I'm better."

My DH can handle everything while I'm down & out, but I think kids can and should learn to step up when needed.

aww so sorry you were in the hospital! Glad you are back and hope you feel better.
ds1 has adhd and a sprinkle of asd so he is very emotional and not always the best with expressing empathy or being flex.
ds2 is more controlled but still only just 8. but yes to all.