How to help a family member who is depressed

[Anonymous]

I am writing because I am deeply concerned about a family member of mine who is clearly depressed. She needs help, and I am unsure of how to approach her about this. In the past, the suggestion of therapy and/or medication has not been well received. At this point, her illness is not only affecting her, but severely affecting other family members, and I am very concerned about her 12 year old child. I am probably as close to her as anyone, as she is sort of a loner. Are they resources for this sort of thing? Do I organize an intervention? Any thoughts? She does not live in this area, but I am able to go to where she lives relatively easily. She does not have a husband or partner, the only other person close to her is her mother.

Thanks in advance for your help.

[bigmaman]

I would organize an intervention, even if it's just you sitting her down and telling her of your concerns, citing specific examples of why you think she's not doing well, and offering her all the support you can in obtaining help -- finding docs, getting her to appointments, whateve you can do. You might want to stay away from talking about a specific diagnosis or course of treatment -- some folks get resentful and huffy when family members "psychoanalyze." You also might offer to help, to the extent that you can, with day to day "stuff" -- e.g. if her house is a mess, get it spic and span for her. Sometimes things pile up and are just so overwhelming that they can drive a person deeper into inaction and depression.

I had a similar situation with my mother in the months after my father passed away. She was always depressive, and just went downhill fast after dad died (understandably). All of my prior suggestions of therapy/meds fell on deaf ears UNTIL I was able to make her see how her depression was affecting her grandaughter (my DD) who she simply adores. My mom has always been motivated more by external things and caring for other people than by the notion of caring for herself. I don't know if your family member is of a similar mindset, or if there's something else that would motivate her, but in my experience you need something, anything, to cut through her depressive fog and give her an "aha" moment. As in "aha, it isn't normal to feel this way, I don't have to be miserable."

I've struggled with depression as well, and was resistent to taking meds for a long time, for whatever reason. My "aha" moment came when a dear friend told me this: "If your liver or lungs were sick, you wouldn't expect them to work again without treatment, which you would seek, of course, because it's the rational thing to do. When your brain chemistry is off, you can't rely solely your "sick" brain to make decisions about your treatment. You need the input of others. And we're here telling you that your doc is right, you need the meds." So relying on a "sick" brain to make rational decisions about treatment isn't, well, rational. For whatever reason all of this made sense to me (though as I type this it does sound pretty loony! I'm not that crazy, I swear! ). I hope that you can find something that will make sense to her.

My best to you both. She's lucky to have you in her corner.

[Anonymous]

I think PP poster hit some great points, including focus on the physical element.

Encourage her to talk, and if she shares facts that point to potential physical symptoms of depression, you can point those out to her. Being down and tired and having less than a rosy outlook seemed "mental" to me -- something I should be able to work my way out of on my own. My "Aha!" moment was when I realized my insomnia, my intense irritability, and inability to concentrate MUST have some sort of physical cause. I agree with trying not to diagnose. But I think it is good to respond to something she relates, when appropriate, by saying, "Wow. That reaction/view/behavior is not really like you. You are normally more patient/resourceful/optimistic. What do you think made you react that way now?" You are reminding her that she is a good and valued person, while pointing out that you notice something is different. And then that can get you into a discussion of the physical/chemical component to depression that it results in physical symptoms -- sleep problems, fatigue, irritability, difficulty concentrating or making decisions.

Along those lines, you could suggest a depression screening, as a first step. Much like, if you had a sore throat and thought there was a possibility it was strep, you could go for a strep test -- it might rule it out, but it might help you know what is going on and get what you need to get healthy. A "screening" may seem like less of a commitment, so she may be willing. And yet it gets her "in the door" to someone with lots of knowledge and experience on the issue. You could perhaps travel to help with her daughter and be support when she goes -- if she wants. Or you could just provide the information and let it sink in with her. You can learn more about screenings (and where she could go in her area) at http://www1.nmha.org/ccd/support/screening.cfm.

[Anonymous]

Thanks to you both for your great suggestions. I am going to talk to her mom first and then we will plan something.

To the PP who mentioned it was helpful to tell her mother how her situation was affecting her grand daughter, I am curious how you were able to tell this tactfully. My family member IS of similar mindset...doesn't care so much about herself but would do anything for others. I do want to talk to her about how this affects her son and my daughter , both of whom she adores, but I don't want to further insult her by suggesting she is a bad mom, which is how I fear she will interpret it.

Thanks again!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks to you both for your great suggestions. I am going to talk to her mom first and then we will plan something.

To the PP who mentioned it was helpful to tell her mother how her situation was affecting her grand daughter, I am curious how you were able to tell this tactfully. My family member IS of similar mindset...doesn't care so much about herself but would do anything for others. I do want to talk to her about how this affects her son and my daughter , both of whom she adores, but I don't want to further insult her by suggesting she is a bad mom, which is how I fear she will interpret it.

Thanks again!

Hey, PP with depressive mother, here. I'm glad my post was of some help. As for how I told my mom, unfortunately tact wasn't really a part of that conversation, b/c it happened in the middle of an argument, and really by chance, but I think that the suggestions that the other poster made could be useful when planning a similar conversation --the "that doesn't sound like you, what's going on?" approach.

As background, my mom's depression manifests itself in really inappropriate anger, blame shifting and paranoia (among other things) along with the stereotypical sadness. So, mom had started in on me one day, I responded with a pretty neutral comment, but one that made it clear that I wasn't going to be drawn into her stuff. After she escalated the discussion, she stared ignoring me, instead talking to my DD, saying things like, "grandma has to leave now because she won't take mommy's abuse," "don't mind mommy, she's just [insert negative adjective of choice]" etc. I asked her to stop and listen to herself, and pointed out that there must be something wrong if she was so quick to draw a 6 mo into a negative adult conversation. It made no sense. Did she hope that the infant would somehow "take her side"? Or was she just using her granddaughter in a passive-agressive display of anger toward me? Was that okay? Did she really want her granddaughter's world to be anything less than sunshine and joy? No? Well, then time to talk to someone about how she was processing her emotions.

Awful conversation, but good outcome.