Female same sex infertility - insensitive to ask why other partner can't carry

[Anonymous]

I recently encountered someone with the same diagnosis as me rpl (recurrent pregnancy loss) that was in a same sex female partnership. I asked if her partner could carry the embryos instead and got an earful!

She compared it to saying to hetero people like me why can't I get a surrogate. I was like, no it's not the same. You all are a married couple and it wouldn't cost 100k to have your partner carry the pregnancy.

Maybe this person had a chip on her shoulder, no idea. If a surrogate cost me $0 I would absolutely go for it.

Am I in the wrong?

[Anonymous]

I'm a married lesbian who did IUI to get pregnant and was in an LGBT support group affiliated with the fertility clinic. I don't think you're in the wrong - that's exactly what one of the couples in my support group did when one was struggling to get pregnant. I figure she's probably sensitive/going through emotions about it. You also don't know their particular situation; there could be issues with the other partner so that's not possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a married lesbian who did IUI to get pregnant and was in an LGBT support group affiliated with the fertility clinic. I don't think you're in the wrong - that's exactly what one of the couples in my support group did when one was struggling to get pregnant. I figure she's probably sensitive/going through emotions about it. You also don't know their particular situation; there could be issues with the other partner so that's not possible.

Of course, but she was saying that even me making the suggestion was as offensive / akin to asking a hetero person why not use a surrogate.

[Anonymous]

MYOB

[Anonymous]

I am in a 2-woman couple where one couldn't get pregnant and I didn't try. I was well aware that I have a uterus and that I could seek fertility treatment and didn't need anyone telling me that. It's likely the person was looking for sympathy, not solutions--especially ones that are blatantly obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in a 2-woman couple where one couldn't get pregnant and I didn't try. I was well aware that I have a uterus and that I could seek fertility treatment and didn't need anyone telling me that. It's likely the person was looking for sympathy, not solutions--especially ones that are blatantly obvious.

She was looking for solutions to repeat pregnancy loss of unknown origin as they only had 1 embryo left. There are no easy solutions when you've lost 5+ pregnancies of healthy embryos unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MYOB

She was asking for advice

[Anonymous]

You shouldn’t have asked. They are not dumb - I’m sure they understand their options. And yes, if someone wants to get pregnant on their own and experience pregnancy, then suggesting otherwise is not helpful.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I’m not sure that it’s offensive to ask a hetero couple with RPL if they considered surrogacy….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I’m not sure that it’s offensive to ask a hetero couple with RPL if they considered surrogacy….

Agreed and many have asked me the same.

[Anonymous]

Women going through IF are emotionally loaded. You really don't know what can make them lash out. I was in the IF boat for a long time and may also have lashed out at people asking questions. I have also been lashed out by other women going through IF when they misunderstood me.
I wouldn't take it personally and just move on, Op..

[Anonymous]

You’re not wrong. She does have a potentially easier option than you do of finding/paying for a surrogate. You also provided the most obvious answer, which she could have addressed in her request if it wasn’t a possibility.

Also, when she was asking for advice, she probably meant advice on how she can carry a child - what else could she do so that she us successful. Not on how can she have a child through any way.

She’s probably sensitive to it because her getting pregnant has become to be all end all. I think this was a damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

[Anonymous]

You really think that hadn't already occurred to her? Did she strike you as particularly stupid? Do you like it when acquaintances ask you why you don't just adopt? It was dumb and insensitive to say that as you didn't know anything about her situation and why she and her partner had decided not to do that.

[Anonymous]

Did she ask for your advice? Or did you assume you wanted her advice? If it’s a support group, maybe she just wanted support for the emotions around going through rpl.

[Anonymous]

If someone asks for advice on how they can be successful carrying the one embryo they have left and you suggest that someone else carry it, that is not the advice they were looking for, whether that someone else is their wife or a surrogate.