Alternative Discipline

[Anonymous]

Other than any kind of hitting or spanking, time-outs, and grounding what have been effective punishments parents have come up with?

[Anonymous]

We do a combination of two things:

1) Natural consequences. I know this is a buzzword but when they present themselves, we seize on it. So if the kids are fighting over screen time, no one gets screen time. If you can't keep your room tidy and put your clothes in the hamper, then I don't wash those clothes and you don't have what you want to wear. And so on. There aren't always obvious natural consequences and you can't force it, but this works well for a lot of the little stuff in a way that really does promote better behavior because the punishment is so closely linked with the behavior. I've literally watched my kids start to make a bad choice, stop and remember the outcome last times, and make a better choice.

2) The kids get small allowances every Friday if they follow a list of house rules. All major misbehavior would violate those house rules, and then they don't get their allowance (nor do they get the outing that accompanies it, as we usually take them to a book store or toy store or bakery where they can spend it if they want). It's a good way to combine positive reinforcement with reactive discipline because when everything is working well, we get to congratulate them on following the rules, being respectful, and just all around being great kids. But if there are issues, it's just kind of built in and it takes the guesswork out of punishments where natural consequences don't make sense -- the kids know what will happen, we know what will happen. It does make those Fridays kind of a bummer, but that's the whole point.

[Anonymous]

We do time-in a lot, where a parent takes a kid to a different room and they talk about what went wrong, how to fix it and what to do going forward. When they get older they write us essays about why they're in trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other than any kind of hitting or spanking, time-outs, and grounding what have been effective punishments parents have come up with?

Why don’t you also focus on proactive strategies? The more time you spend being proactive, the less time you’ll spend being reactive. I’m not saying kids won’t make mistakes. That’s a guarantee. But too often parents are focused on the “punishment” rather than looking at what they can do to set their kids up for success.

-Clearly defining expectations that are developmentally appropriate.
-Making sure basic needs are met. Hungry and tired means more mistakes and misbehavior.
-Being consistent. If you tell your kid that they have 5 more minutes of screen time, follow through. If you can’t, then don’t say it.
-Having fun with your kid beyond the shuttling from school to practice to events. Allowing them to have some say in what’s happening.
-Being okay with your kid not liking you when you enforce boundaries and hold them accountable. Too often parents are afraid to say no to their kid or take something away because they worry their kid won’t like them.