Starting to panic

[Anonymous]

My DH was in a truly toxic job that was wrecking his physical and mental health. He stopped exercising, gained 40 pounds, didn’t sleep well, was depressed, we didn’t have sex for months. He didn’t have the capacity to job search in the job so with my encouragement he quit at the end of 2022. He is still unemployed. He is in a high paying highly specialized field so I get that it takes a while, but I also question how hard he is working at it. We have lots of savings but we’re spending quite a bit more every month than I make. We’ve talked about it and it mostly seems to make him more anxious. I don’t know what to do.

[Anonymous]

I would expect that he isn’t going to work again.
Do whatever you need to do to be able to live on your income. You probably need to move to a smaller home or to somewhere you can make more money. Maybe both. Lean in to your own career and give him all SAHP duties. Enjoy!

[Anonymous]

He needs to get mental health treatment, medication if necessary, a Baha’i oral plan to get off the couch and exercise, and a deadline to take a job, any job. Most people don’t have to quit their job to find a new one. 6m unemployed with a good cover story is okay but as it gets towards a year he’s gonna have problems. Also tell him you’re cutting him off financially in 30 days if he doesn’t shape up.

[Anonymous]

OP here, he has gone back on anxiety medication, lost the weight, and is exercising regularly. I’ve urged him to talk to his doctor about adjusting his medication. I’m not interested in him being a sahm parent long term because he does the bare minimum or less (I still am in charge of laundry, he cooks, we do dishes/empty the dishwasher about equally. We have house cleaners come every three weeks.).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, he has gone back on anxiety medication, lost the weight, and is exercising regularly. I’ve urged him to talk to his doctor about adjusting his medication. I’m not interested in him being a sahm parent long term because he does the bare minimum or less (I still am in charge of laundry, he cooks, we do dishes/empty the dishwasher about equally. We have house cleaners come every three weeks.).

First: Your first sentence is three positives, so take a moment to note that those things are now off the worry list (with the caveat that he needs to keep doing them, of course). All those are good advances.

Since his is a specialized field, is there such a thing as a career counselor or headhunter (rather, job-hunter) for people in this field? Your DH may need the kick-start of a third party, who is not you, pushing the job search at this point. Yes, it will cost money but might be worth it in the long run if such a person exists. Maybe cut the housecleaner for a while, or adjust vacations for the rest of this year if you must--?

Such outside help could take pressure off you, so you're not feeling as if you need to push him and he's not feeling as if you're pushing. And frankly some people just listen better to an outside third party professional than they do to their spouses sometimes. Your DH's anxiety is a complicating factor of course -- is he getting any form of therapy or counseling where he can talk about his job search worries, or is he only taking meds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to get mental health treatment, medication if necessary, a Baha’i oral plan to get off the couch and exercise, and a deadline to take a job, any job. Most people don’t have to quit their job to find a new one. 6m unemployed with a good cover story is okay but as it gets towards a year he’s gonna have problems. Also tell him you’re cutting him off financially in 30 days if he doesn’t shape up.

What? That's a recipe for fueling the anxiety he already has, and for wrecking the relationship. Please don't listen to PP's bad idea, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would expect that he isn’t going to work again.
Do whatever you need to do to be able to live on your income. You probably need to move to a smaller home or to somewhere you can make more money. Maybe both. Lean in to your own career and give him all SAHP duties. Enjoy!

What a negative, fatalistic post. Of course any couple should be able to get along on one income if necessary but advising OP to move to a new house? Assuming the DH will never work again? You're racing way ahead of where things actually are for OP and the DH. If she just gives up on him like you suggest, he will possibly sink back into anxiety and unhealthy habits, when she notes above that those things have been improving.

[Anonymous]

Commit to a 6 month sabbatical from work. He earned it. Focus on a hobby. Get his health back in gear while he catches up on homemaking. Work his network to get his name out there for future opportunities.

[Anonymous]

He can begin to get SSI benefits for his mental health, because I don't forsee him working again.

It's very difficult to get back in the job marketplace after a
year when you have a HEALTHY attitude about it, but to try and do so after a year when your mental health is struggling? I don't forsee it happening.

Have his doctor/therapist diagnose him with depression, then he can collect a few thousand in SSI every month (it's better than nothing, right?).

Just know that they reject 99% of those who apply for it.
If you appeal, it will most likely go through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, he has gone back on anxiety medication, lost the weight, and is exercising regularly. I’ve urged him to talk to his doctor about adjusting his medication. I’m not interested in him being a sahm parent long term because he does the bare minimum or less (I still am in charge of laundry, he cooks, we do dishes/empty the dishwasher about equally. We have house cleaners come every three weeks.).

Not your call. Women are able to stay at hole in similar circumstances. Now so are men. Adjust your budget and embrace the new normal!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
He can begin to get SSI benefits for his mental health, because I don't forsee him working again.

It's very difficult to get back in the job marketplace after a
year when you have a HEALTHY attitude about it, but to try and do so after a year when your mental health is struggling? I don't forsee it happening.

Have his doctor/therapist diagnose him with depression, then he can collect a few thousand in SSI every month (it's better than nothing, right?).

Just know that they reject 99% of those who apply for it.
If you appeal, it will most likely go through.

I went back to work after a year off twice in my early fifties. Of course it can be done. Don’t overreact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He needs to get mental health treatment, medication if necessary, a Baha’i oral plan to get off the couch and exercise, and a deadline to take a job, any job. Most people don’t have to quit their job to find a new one. 6m unemployed with a good cover story is okay but as it gets towards a year he’s gonna have problems. Also tell him you’re cutting him off financially in 30 days if he doesn’t shape up.

What is a Baha’i oral plan? Or is that a typo?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, he has gone back on anxiety medication, lost the weight, and is exercising regularly. I’ve urged him to talk to his doctor about adjusting his medication. I’m not interested in him being a sahm parent long term because he does the bare minimum or less (I still am in charge of laundry, he cooks, we do dishes/empty the dishwasher about equally. We have house cleaners come every three weeks.).

I find it mind boggling that he hasn't worked since 2022 and "does the bare minimum or less". Are you giving him a pass on that because he's depressed and anxious or because you just know he's not interested in being an equal partner in your marriage and family?

[Anonymous]

It’s great that your partner is on anxiety medicine but it sounds like he needs talk therapy too, like cognitive behavioral therapy. It couldn’t hurt. Do you have insurance that would pay for it?

Is this a career that he’s liked and this is just one bad job experience or is he down on his whole career path? Maybe he’s paralyzed and anxious because he hates this career but feels trapped in it. Maybe he doesn’t want another job in his career and doesn’t know how to switch careers and so is just stuck. With therapy maybe he could explore some other options. Does he feel pressure from you to continue this job career path that he has realized that he hates? Maybe he doesn’t want to disappoint you but also doesn’t want to do the work and so he is just stuck and not doing anything. Are you open to him taking a lower paying career job that he finds more satisfying, Something adjacent to his area of expertise where he would be qualified but one that is not as high paying or high-pressure?

I understand the panicky feeling you have but six months of a job search really is not that bad. He could get another job. Lots of people do.

On the other hand, my own personal experience with a spouse that struggled with career issues is that we were much happier when he just quit trying to work and instead stayed home and took care of the children and most of the house. At the beginning of our marriage, my spouse did not do laundry. Now, he is basically in charge of running the entire house, handles all the kids transportation and planning, cooking, most of the food shopping, all of the laundry and house logistics. That is his work. This is after a long time of trying to find the right career and being sort of miserable doing so.

Having a stay at home parent spouse was not what I thought would happen but it’s turned out to be great in many ways. It definitely was a transition though, from having a spouse who worked and made more money than me to having a spouse who stayed home and took care of things on that front.

It doesn’t sound to me like you’re at that point yet but just think about it. But therapy for your spouse couldn’t hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He needs to get mental health treatment, medication if necessary, a Baha’i oral plan to get off the couch and exercise, and a deadline to take a job, any job. Most people don’t have to quit their job to find a new one. 6m unemployed with a good cover story is okay but as it gets towards a year he’s gonna have problems. Also tell him you’re cutting him off financially in 30 days if he doesn’t shape up.

What is a Baha’i oral plan? Or is that a typo?

Behavioral plan