Letting relationship ride

[Anonymous]

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for 7 years. I’m peacefully co-parenting a teen with my ex; BF’s peacefully co-parenting a tween with his. We connect everyday and meet whenever schedules and budgets permit, but our primary focus has been (rightfully) on our respective kids and careers.

I’m happy with the status quo and would love to continue like this indefinitely, but BF says he wants to marry (or at least live together) after both kids are off to school. As much as I adore him, I take his claim with a large grain of salt, as that’s still 5 years away, and who knows how we will feel or what our situations will be like at that point.

Now that my own DC is approaching college, BF has been stepping up the “future” talks. I’ve been candid with him about my desire to just let our relationship ride, but he’s convinced he’ll persuade me by the time his DC is launched as well - and to be fair, maybe he will, but I kind of doubt it. I like being (relatively) independent!

No *ssholes here, right? Hoping for DCUM to reassure me I’m being fair to BF and not leading him on!

[Anonymous]

You're not leading him on because you'rebeing very direct about what you want and the timeline you want it in.

[Anonymous]

How will you feel when he finds someone else within a certain mile radius of where he lives?

[Anonymous]

I agree that a lot can change in five years, but it's fun to dream with someone. In 4.5 years, if he still wants to move in together, and you definitely don't, you can break up then. Maybe you'll want to. No need to make decisions today that won't come to fruition for years!

[Anonymous]

He’s going to pressure you to move to his city since his kid is younger. I wouldn’t want to move from my kids’ hometown until they graduate from college. Otherwise they have no “home” to go to where they feel like it’s their home, too.

So it’s too early to know how you will both feel then. Just tell him that neither of you can know how you will feel in C years but that you love him and love how your relationship is working while you have kids to parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How will you feel when he finds someone else within a certain mile radius of where he lives?

Disappointed of course, but also grateful for the time we did have together, and - I’d like to think - accepting that it wasn’t meant to last forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How will you feel when he finds someone else within a certain mile radius of where he lives?

Disappointed of course, but also grateful for the time we did have together, and - I’d like to think - accepting that it wasn’t meant to last forever.

Oh, OP, let this man go so he can find someone who yearns to spend time with him and make him happy (and vice versa). He wants a deep connection and you do not, for whatever reason. Don’t hold on to him out of convenience (and possibly your own commitment phobia).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s going to pressure you to move to his city since his kid is younger. I wouldn’t want to move from my kids’ hometown until they graduate from college. Otherwise they have no “home” to go to where they feel like it’s their home, too.

So it’s too early to know how you will both feel then. Just tell him that neither of you can know how you will feel in C years but that you love him and love how your relationship is working while you have kids to parent.

Oh this is silly. Your kid will be an adult. You don’t have to sit in an empty house all winter so they have a home to come to.

[Anonymous]

OP, when the time comes, know your mind. Are you happy to be faithful to him. Maybe live together. But not marry? Do not get pressured into getting married or moving someplace you otherwise wouldn't choose. Otherwise, living together and being faithful to each other - it's worth giving that a try. And do not hesitate to tell him, exactly, what you wish for yourself and what you don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How will you feel when he finds someone else within a certain mile radius of where he lives?

Disappointed of course, but also grateful for the time we did have together, and - I’d like to think - accepting that it wasn’t meant to last forever.

Oh, OP, let this man go so he can find someone who yearns to spend time with him and make him happy (and vice versa). He wants a deep connection and you do not, for whatever reason. Don’t hold on to him out of convenience (and possibly your own commitment phobia).

NP. Really? I mean, don't we all know that nearly all relationships come to an end?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, when the time comes, know your mind. Are you happy to be faithful to him. Maybe live together. But not marry? Do not get pressured into getting married or moving someplace you otherwise wouldn't choose. Otherwise, living together and being faithful to each other - it's worth giving that a try. And do not hesitate to tell him, exactly, what you wish for yourself and what you don't.

Yes, happy to be faithful. But not sure about getting married or even living together.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t sound great to want different things to the point he is constantly saying he’s going to change your mind. But aside from being honest about your feelings there’s not much you can do. Have you asked him what he sees happening if you decide to stay LD ? People can change in 5 years of course but I would not enjoy being pressured on something I’d already been clear about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How will you feel when he finds someone else within a certain mile radius of where he lives?

Disappointed of course, but also grateful for the time we did have together, and - I’d like to think - accepting that it wasn’t meant to last forever.

Oh, OP, let this man go so he can find someone who yearns to spend time with him and make him happy (and vice versa). He wants a deep connection and you do not, for whatever reason. Don’t hold on to him out of convenience (and possibly your own commitment phobia).

NP. Really? I mean, don't we all know that nearly all relationships come to an end?

Not in my life so far but also doesn’t that make an even stronger case for making the most of the short time?

He doesn’t want anything unnatural. He wants to progress the relationship. She is keeping him at arms length for some reason. It’s a mismatch.

[Anonymous]

My friend had a long term but not long distance rel. like this. They had to wait to blend. It wasn’t going to work until at least one or two were off to college.

She’s so happy. They did marry. Her boys are grown up and doing well.

Love is long. Let it last a long time. Or don’t. But I like her story. You could like it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s going to pressure you to move to his city since his kid is younger. I wouldn’t want to move from my kids’ hometown until they graduate from college. Otherwise they have no “home” to go to where they feel like it’s their home, too.

So it’s too early to know how you will both feel then. Just tell him that neither of you can know how you will feel in C years but that you love him and love how your relationship is working while you have kids to parent.

This. He doesn't want to wait another 4.5 years to live together. All of this pressure is building up to him issuing an ultimatum that you move to his city while his kid is still in high school.

His teen probably will be busy with their own activities, so he's going to want you to move in and keep him company.

If I had just launched a few kids, I would not be in a hurry to live with a teenager again. I'd want my free time and not be living with kids.

You're going to need to figure out how to address the issue with the boyfriend. I guarantee that it comes to a head in the next year.