What's your curfew for a 16 year old boy who can't drive?
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Anonymous
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My kid has a new set of friends and they generally seem nice. Although they get way more independence than what I've given my son. I have set a midnight curfew, which he really pushes against. I pick him up or he ubers home. And this has been working.
Last night he told me he was spending the night at one of their houses, but of course they didn't. They were out at a party with alcohol and weed and while I could track his phone, it did end up dying this morning and I couldn't find him for about 2 hours. He's grounded. And of course he's mad about getting grounded and tells me all kinds of "worse" things kids did last night than what he did. And how they all snuck out of their houses, etc. And how easy it would be for him to sneak out. How he wasn't the one puking all over the floor and passing out in the back yard. But he did drink enough to not know whether his ride there was sober enough to drive them back to his friend's house. And that is one reason he stayed. So there was a tiny bit of good judgement in there with all the bad. I have a list of increasing punishments if he does worse. And I get the feeling he's going to try. But I'm trying to figure out a reasonable boundary here that permits him some growing independence, while also making him understand he has responsibilities both to us as parents but also to us as people he lives with. What are your boundaries/requirements with your kids who like to go out and socialize all the time? Knowing that there are alcohol and weed at parties? |
Anonymous
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Lying and curfew are 2 different things.
Curfew in our house depends on what you are doing/where you are/who you are with. It could be 10p or it could be midnight. Going to dinner with your girlfriend, please be home by 10p. Going glow in the dark bowling with your girlfriend's family (bowling is 9p-11p) then be home when you are done and they drop you off. Breaking our agreement on when we agreed you would be home, would be a loss of privelages. But lying about where you are and what you are doing results in a serious loss of privileges. - mom of 2 17y olds |
Anonymous
Thanks, yes, he has lost privileges. I'm trying to get an idea of what's normal for after he has rebuilt trust. |
Anonymous
| Our 16 yo has never really asked to stay out later than midnight, which is a totally reasonable curfew. We don’t call it a curfew, though, because I can see there being exceptions. I’d be very upset about the lying, though. |
Anonymous
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Well, at this point, I would just do a no sleepover rule, and curfew would depend on what he is doing.
For a party, I would say the latest you want to go out and pick him up (no rides with friends at this point). That would be 11 pm for me, assuming it's not a special occasion. I would push that until midnight if he is a senior next year. |
Anonymous
| Our kids don't have a blanket curfew. They tell us what they want to do, with whom, and when/where, and we agree on a time they'll be home and how they'll get home. If I don't agree with their plan, they either change it or they're not allowed to leave. |
Anonymous
| DD is 15 and doesn't drive. Her group of friends takes turns hosting their get-togethers on weekends. Her curfew is 11pm because I'm her driver and I can barely stay awake past 10pm. |
Anonymous
| We don’t have set curfews and give times based on where they are going. The positive in your situation is that he talks to you. Remember that. My son is the same and I’ve heard many things I wish I hadn’t but overall, I’m glad he’s not being secretive afterwards. Because of hearing things similar to yours, we have a blanket no sleepover policy. We will pick him up late if needed but too much trouble has happened during sleepovers over the years. Mine is about the same age. |
Anonymous
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No sleepovers.
It’s good he’s talking to you. |
Anonymous
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I'm a little confused and I'm asking these questions to just understand.
When he slept over did you expect him to stick to the midnight curfew? or is he under the rules of the house he is staying? If he came home at midnight but went to a drinking party would he be grounded? So he never went to the house he was "sleeping at"? he pulled an all nighter at the party house? It's going to be a long summer if you start out with a battle, obviously he is grounded but I would not address it with the expectation that there are graduating punishments. I've been there when I can't find my kid for 2 hours and once he was in the basement but his phone was at his friends. (They are walking distance and I did not realize he came home) and I was freaking out. |
Anonymous
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What did you do as a kid? I did lie to my parents about that sort of thing and they couldn’t track me.
I hear what the kids do these days is get a burner phone and leave their “real” phone the place they say they will be to you. That’s what I think he will do next time. |
Anonymous
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Given his bad behavior, I would pull the curfew up by a few hours. Home by 10 pm.
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Anonymous
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Midnight. I Have 16 (almost 17) year old twins and they know they need to be home by midnight (baring some sort of organized activity like a baseball game).
They have a lot of freedom but nothing good happens after midnight. |
Anonymous
Same on both Curfew: If he's stationary at a friend's house with his group of friends (who are all good kids) I'm fine if I pick him up late/Midnight whatever. If they are out somewhere they can't just stay at the place or wander the streets, it's a definitive end time/pick up time. Lying (especially in the situation OP laid out): +1 serious loss of privileges Mom of 15.5yr old DS |
Anonymous
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On non-school nights:
16 / Sophomore = 10pm 16 / Junior = 11pm |