swim team dynamic problem

[Anonymous]

13-year-old DD is on club swim team. Another girl on the team, with whom DD is close to, has been badmouthing DD for a while to other teammates. DD was quite upset when she found out. She (sort of) confronted the girl, who promptly denied it, but DD was hoping that would put a stop to it anyhow. It didn't, and DD is getting tired of hearing from other teammates that she won't stop. (Wish DD's friends would just tell this girl to shut up, but they're all 12/13 so they love the drama.) DD is debating whether to tell coach.

More pertinent to telling the coach, however, is this girl's repeated asking DD to "tie" with her in races (they're milliseconds from each other in one particular stroke) - that is, to slow down. She did this a couple of times last summer and DD decided to let it slide, but she just did it again at a meet. DD claims it doesn't bother her, but it does affect her (she looks over at the girl's lane to check, which of course slows her down). This is explicitly against conduct code. I told DD she needs to tell the coach, or I will.

Of course DD is worried about "tattling" - but she knows this is wrong, and the girl needs to be held accountable. She has tried herself to stop it, but it hasn't worked. Anyone have experience with this? What else can DD do? TIA.

[Anonymous]

If the other girl slows down tell your daughter to speed up and beat her. Who the hell intentionally ties in a race? This is such a odd request of this other girl. If this other girl keep losing she will back off.

Why are girls this age so insufferable?

[Anonymous]

Clarify the bad mouthing. What is she saying to the other girls? Asking your daughter to “tie” is a bit manipulative, not to mention silly. Would your DD be willing to make a snappy comeback. Something like,”Why would I want to tie? I want to win!”

[Anonymous]

I would request a meeting with the coach and your DD. Tell the coach what has been happening and have your DD fill in the blanks. If you have a decent coach, they will know how to handle this.

[Anonymous]

There is always drama with middle school girls in sports. I think it’s something to learn to live with but can always switch teams if it’s too bad. Not sure the club coach is responsible for the social interactions between friends on the team.

That said, the tieing piece doesn’t make any sense to me. Have your daughter swim fast and teach the girl a lesson

[Anonymous]

I’d discuss with the coach, at this age. Some will care, others won’t.

My DS was in a very similar situation. Coach shrugged it off- he was good friends with the problem kid’s dad- who also coaches in the sport, not on this team but at a higher level. We moved DS to a different team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is always drama with middle school girls in sports. I think it’s something to learn to live with but can always switch teams if it’s too bad. Not sure the club coach is responsible for the social interactions between friends on the team.

That said, the tieing piece doesn’t make any sense to me. Have your daughter swim fast and teach the girl a lesson

+1 I don’t understand the request to tie - it’s impossible to plan to tie someone exactly in swim, so your daughter shouldn’t even have to worry about it.

The badmouthing is another issue, but hard to assess without more info on what’s being said and where it’s being said. Bullying is prohibited by safe sport and the coach should squash it.

[Anonymous]

That’s a tough one. I have a 12DD strong swimmer who has had summer teammates ask her to choose certain strokes for Divisionals so that they can get into the meet.

She’s a club swimmer, too, and I could see her being super annoyed by this but not wanting to involve adults/coaches because that creates a whole other dynamic.

You have my sympathy, but I think you’ll have to look at it as a growing opportunity for your daughter to learn how to deal with this type of personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13-year-old DD is on club swim team. Another girl on the team, with whom DD is close to, has been badmouthing DD for a while to other teammates. DD was quite upset when she found out. She (sort of) confronted the girl, who promptly denied it, but DD was hoping that would put a stop to it anyhow. It didn't, and DD is getting tired of hearing from other teammates that she won't stop. (Wish DD's friends would just tell this girl to shut up, but they're all 12/13 so they love the drama.) DD is debating whether to tell coach.

More pertinent to telling the coach, however, is this girl's repeated asking DD to "tie" with her in races (they're milliseconds from each other in one particular stroke) - that is, to slow down. She did this a couple of times last summer and DD decided to let it slide, but she just did it again at a meet. DD claims it doesn't bother her, but it does affect her (she looks over at the girl's lane to check, which of course slows her down). This is explicitly against conduct code. I told DD she needs to tell the coach, or I will.

Of course DD is worried about "tattling" - but she knows this is wrong, and the girl needs to be held accountable. She has tried herself to stop it, but it hasn't worked. Anyone have experience with this? What else can DD do? TIA.

That's meet-fixing and illegal.

[Anonymous]

You don’t talk to a coach about a teammate asking you to tie you just say “interesting idea” and then swim your hardest. Or “sure sounds fun” and kick her butt. The lesson here for your kid is how to deal with peer pressure plus it’s disrespectful to your coach an other volunteers to not try your hardest. Badmouthing-this is sort of run of the mill tween girl stuff. Get yourself some books to help you and her deal with this effectively.

[Anonymous]

Queen Bees and Wanbabees is a good starting place for books

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:13-year-old DD is on club swim team. Another girl on the team, with whom DD is close to, has been badmouthing DD for a while to other teammates. DD was quite upset when she found out. She (sort of) confronted the girl, who promptly denied it, but DD was hoping that would put a stop to it anyhow. It didn't, and DD is getting tired of hearing from other teammates that she won't stop. (Wish DD's friends would just tell this girl to shut up, but they're all 12/13 so they love the drama.) DD is debating whether to tell coach.

More pertinent to telling the coach, however, is this girl's repeated asking DD to "tie" with her in races (they're milliseconds from each other in one particular stroke) - that is, to slow down. She did this a couple of times last summer and DD decided to let it slide, but she just did it again at a meet. DD claims it doesn't bother her, but it does affect her (she looks over at the girl's lane to check, which of course slows her down). This is explicitly against conduct code. I told DD she needs to tell the coach, or I will.

Of course DD is worried about "tattling" - but she knows this is wrong, and the girl needs to be held accountable. She has tried herself to stop it, but it hasn't worked. Anyone have experience with this? What else can DD do? TIA.

That's meet-fixing and illegal.

Precisely. She can deal with the badmouthing, but the asking to tie/slow down has been relentless - she never did it but it's messing with her head. And it's explicitly illegal. She talked to the coach, who was very glad she told him, and was extremely supportive.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to the coach and send her an email saying it not reasonable to have DD tie with the other girl or let her win. And, that the girl is being mean to your child and its not ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is always drama with middle school girls in sports. I think it’s something to learn to live with but can always switch teams if it’s too bad. Not sure the club coach is responsible for the social interactions between friends on the team.

That said, the tieing piece doesn’t make any sense to me. Have your daughter swim fast and teach the girl a lesson

+1 I don’t understand the request to tie - it’s impossible to plan to tie someone exactly in swim, so your daughter shouldn’t even have to worry about it.

The badmouthing is another issue, but hard to assess without more info on what’s being said and where it’s being said. Bullying is prohibited by safe sport and the coach should squash it.

That’s exactly what’s going on with the “request to tie”. The other girl is planning to use that to get your daughter to slow down so she can get herself a win.