Anxiety in 11yo

[Anonymous]

My daughter has been worrying about death and being alone since she was 7. She is the youngest of two, and her biggest fear is the rest of us dying and leaving her alone. She doesn’t want her own family one day, so when we’re gone, she’ll really be by herself. She has gone so far as to ask me if it’s ok to kill herself in that situation. I tried telling her circumstances change, she’ll have friends/other family members, she might want a family after all, she’ll be ready to be independent by then, it’s a future problem, etc. I can’t seem to say anything to assure her because she seems to have valid points. She cries a lot about this. I don’t know what to do.

[Anonymous]

It does sound like she has a lot of anxiety. I would take her to see a therapist, they will be able to help her work through these worries and let you know how to help her. If it doesn't improve with therapy she may need meds but I would say a therapist is your first stop.

[Anonymous]

What kind of therapist? Psychologist, psychiatrist, MFT?

[Anonymous]

Counselor, therapist … someone who knows how anxiety words and can help her learn about it and what to do about it.

You also need to learn about how anxiety works. I think Flusterclux, a podcast by Lynn Lyons, is very good. I’ve seen it mentioned here too. She explains how this is a family problem- not blame but that this isn’t just your daughter being anxious about death. That is the “content” about which she is anxious; to really deal with anxiety you need to deal with the “process” of it- learn what it is, how to works and then put in efforts to stop the repetitive process. It takes time. She did a hunch this summer that go through seven imp steps or features or something. She did a recent one that is probably a good intro about how to help your child with anxiety.

She is direct. Some don’t like her but she knows her stuff.

My number once piece of advice is to learn about anxiety and work on what you can do to support her. Also or secondly, get her in to see a counselor if she is willing. If she isn’t, that isn’t the end of your options which is why I say it is important for you to learn about it. There is a research backed successful approach to help with childhood anxiety called , SPACE, and it focuses one hundred percent on parent behavior with the goal of improving a child’s anxiety.

Accept we, as parents, have something to do with our kids’ anxiety, and that is likely based on how we were raised too. So no blame just take it as information to help guide how to support your kid.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for the advice. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter has been worrying about death and being alone since she was 7. She is the youngest of two, and her biggest fear is the rest of us dying and leaving her alone. She doesn’t want her own family one day, so when we’re gone, she’ll really be by herself. She has gone so far as to ask me if it’s ok to kill herself in that situation. I tried telling her circumstances change, she’ll have friends/other family members, she might want a family after all, she’ll be ready to be independent by then, it’s a future problem, etc. I can’t seem to say anything to assure her because she seems to have valid points. She cries a lot about this. I don’t know what to do.

This is not a thought pattern that is going to be disrupted by reasoning with her. She needs tools for managing the emotional state of being anxious and for helping her put down "sticky thoughts" like this one that are giving her grief. In fact, for people with obsessive thinking patterns related to anxiety, things that seem like "reassurance" often only make the patterns worse.

You are going to have to stop engaging with her on the specifics of this worry (and for Pete's sake deal with whatever issues there are in your own thinking that lead you to say things like the bolded above--not helpful).

[Anonymous]

Op here. I didn’t put the bolded sentence in her mind. Those were her words. For Pete’s sake, I’m not a monster.

But you’re right, there is nothing I can say to reassure her.

[Anonymous]

The What to Do When You Worry to Much workbook could be a good place to start. I would recommend that you both do it together so you can discuss with each other and you can remind her of the techniques when she is struggling. A therapist who does cognitive behavioral therapy could be really helpful. I would suggest starting with her ped and school based counselor for some recommendations/referrals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The What to Do When You Worry to Much workbook could be a good place to start. I would recommend that you both do it together so you can discuss with each other and you can remind her of the techniques when she is struggling. A therapist who does cognitive behavioral therapy could be really helpful. I would suggest starting with her ped and school based counselor for some recommendations/referrals.

I just began that book with DD this weekend and received a rec for a therapist from a school psychologist today. I’m glad to know I’m on the right track. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Do you go to church? Do you believe in an afterlife? Do you believe in God?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The What to Do When You Worry to Much workbook could be a good place to start. I would recommend that you both do it together so you can discuss with each other and you can remind her of the techniques when she is struggling. A therapist who does cognitive behavioral therapy could be really helpful. I would suggest starting with her ped and school based counselor for some recommendations/referrals.

I just began that book with DD this weekend and received a rec for a therapist from a school psychologist today. I’m glad to know I’m on the right track. Thank you!

We saw improvement within a few weeks once we stopped reassuring and started focusing on CBT techniques. I think my kid will always experience some anxiety but it has gotten so much better.

[Anonymous]

OP, I might suggest you post on the SN board because parents there have a lot of great advice (and are often a little more compassionate...). This sounds like anxiety or maybe OCD to me. My guess is that this is not the only realm where she feels very worried, although it may be one that she has not been able to mask or hide as much. I second the suggestions for a therapist who can work with her on anxiety.

The comment from the PP above about anxiety being a "family problem" sounds like of harsh and like they are being accusatory. I think their comment comes across a little wrong, but the information there is good. When I first learned about this approach, I felt pretty defensive and like there was blame being put on us as parents for "causing" anxiety, which is really not what this is at all. It's more about what you as parents can learn to help a child who is prone to anxiety overcome it. The way you are approaching things is probably natural and perfect for a kid who does not experience anxiety, but for kids who are wired to this approach, it can help tremendously to use some different techniques.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like CBT would be very helpful - it includes debunking harmful beliefs.

[Anonymous]

Dealt with anxiety for years with my DS who is now a few years old than yours. Multiple social worker and psychologist appts for years. After a scary anger blow-up, his pediatrician referred him to child psychiatrist who diagnosed GAD and suggested low dose prozac. Said none of the management skills he'd been learning for years would work until we took the edge off with rx. That made a lot of sense so I was optimistic.
Within a couple weeks we noticed a difference. And it's been a huge and positive life change for all of us. And he's pleased with the results and is more confident now.
Your path will be your own and talk therapy may work wonderfully. But medicine was never something any of the providers had suggested to us previously (one even said he'd outgrow the issues) so I share my experience in the event it helps.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the family piece. We had to learn to parent our kid in a different way and really change the ways we spoke and responded to her. The way we were doing things work great for many kids but were just amping up her anxiety brain.