Tell me how you got through a rough patch in your marriage

[Anonymous]

I need some encouragement. My wife and I have been together for a very long time. We have 2 great teenagers with whom we have strong relationships. Our life is busy and complicated and challenging, but no more so than most, I think. I love my wife and don't want a life without her. But sadly, she's lately become increasingly indifferent to me. I think she likes our life, and she seems to see us together in the short/medium term, based on our plans. But once the kids are in college, who tf knows.

We don't really fight and usually get along fine, and to an outsider (and probably our kids) everything looks fine. But our relationship is not currently something she seems especially interested in. Any kind of physical intimacy is basically gone -- not just sex, but any kind of overt affection or physical contact beyond a good-night peck or tolerating a brief hug. We talk, but mostly about the kids. To her, I'm just kind of....there. If I suggest a date night, she'll either come up with reasons why the timing is bad, laugh it off, or default to inviting friends along (which is usually fun, but kind of defeats the point). The thing is, it's killing me, but I don't think she'd say there's anything wrong. This is probably leading up to a really fraught conversation -- the 1-2 times we've had discussions about this sort of thing in the past have not gone well, and leave me feeling worse than when I started.

Anyway - not really looking for the usual "get divorced!" or "open the marriage!" flashmobs here....more hoping that some of you out there have weathered the same thing, and can tell me you came out ok on the other side. I'm hoping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need some encouragement. My wife and I have been together for a very long time. We have 2 great teenagers with whom we have strong relationships. Our life is busy and complicated and challenging, but no more so than most, I think. I love my wife and don't want a life without her. But sadly, she's lately become increasingly indifferent to me. I think she likes our life, and she seems to see us together in the short/medium term, based on our plans. But once the kids are in college, who tf knows.

We don't really fight and usually get along fine, and to an outsider (and probably our kids) everything looks fine. But our relationship is not currently something she seems especially interested in. Any kind of physical intimacy is basically gone -- not just sex, but any kind of overt affection or physical contact beyond a good-night peck or tolerating a brief hug. We talk, but mostly about the kids. To her, I'm just kind of....there. If I suggest a date night, she'll either come up with reasons why the timing is bad, laugh it off, or default to inviting friends along (which is usually fun, but kind of defeats the point). The thing is, it's killing me, but I don't think she'd say there's anything wrong. This is probably leading up to a really fraught conversation -- the 1-2 times we've had discussions about this sort of thing in the past have not gone well, and leave me feeling worse than when I started.

Anyway - not really looking for the usual "get divorced!" or "open the marriage!" flashmobs here....more hoping that some of you out there have weathered the same thing, and can tell me you came out ok on the other side. I'm hoping.

Protect yourself and your assets. You are in danger of being blindsided.

[Anonymous]

^yep. All the signs my wife started exhibiting when she was hitting the affair websites and secretly planning a divorce once kids left.

[Anonymous]

I'd start with:

"Honey, I've been missing you lately and would love for us to get some extra time together. What would you enjoy?" See what she says and maybe have some backup ideas in case she doesn't have any. If possible for you with childcare, maybe even do a weekend away. If she tries to invite others, tell her you are fine setting up a separate plan with those people but you want this to be just you. If she refuses, then yes I think you have a bigger issue. But she might just be tired and overwhelmed.

I'm a busy tired mom but cannot imagine refusing my husband if he came to me and said "I made a reservation at [favorite restaurant] and I really want to take you out on Saturday. I'll order the kids some pizza." I would be over the moon.

[Anonymous]

Here's what I'd suggest:

1) Downsize your schedule. I know it's not worse than anyone else's, but everyone's is pretty bad. Make some space and some peace. It sounds like your wife is burnt out and checked out. She needs rest before she will be ready to engage. This will take TIME.

2) Ask yourself if there are things your wife would like you to do, and do them. Be truly a partner in running the household and don't blow off her priorities because they aren't yours. Show some leadership on thinking ahead and planning family stuff, stop waiting for her to carry the load of everything. Offer her time to rest, and peace of mind.

3) Be extra considerate and really listen to her, whenever she speaks. Put down phone and tablets, spend your evening tidying up a bit and just being quietly available to her. Make eye contact and a listening face when she is speaking. Accept that she doesn't want the date night, that strategy is not working. Show her that family and home are your priorities and your joys. Make a little bit of an effort to be pleasant and caring and offer her the opportunity to connect. If you make dinner, serve it with care.

https://www.drpsychmom.com/2022/11/19/10-signs-your-wife-is-just-not-that-into-you/

[Anonymous]

Not a total fix but a nice vacation together can sometimes help jump start things - focused time together, more intimate conversations, making a physical connection. The challenge is to keep the goodwill going when you get home.

[Anonymous]

Questions for you

1) Do you try to turn any hint of physical intimacy into sex, or into foreplay? Because that will cause her to shut down any touching at all.

2) Are you passive, in life generally? Do you take the initiative in your household to do various projects and plan various things? Women don't want someone who's arrogant and bossy, but they'll quickly get bored with someone who's a follower and always just lying around and doing the bare minimum. Women don't want a man who goes along with everything they tell him to do-- that's a lonely burden for her to carry. They want a motivated co-pilot. They want to feel like a team with someone who's equally as motivated. https://www.drpsychmom.com/2014/11/17/get-husband-less-passive/

3) Are you reliable? When you agree to do something, can she be confident that it will be done in a timely way? Because if you're not reliable, you're one more kid for her to manage, and nobody wants to date their child.

[Anonymous]

You are coming from a place of deep need and weakness, that will turn any woman off; there is a group starting soon and as soon as it’s ready I will leave a link here, the man running it is an absolute genius.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Questions for you

1) Do you try to turn any hint of physical intimacy into sex, or into foreplay? Because that will cause her to shut down any touching at all.

2) Are you passive, in life generally? Do you take the initiative in your household to do various projects and plan various things? Women don't want someone who's arrogant and bossy, but they'll quickly get bored with someone who's a follower and always just lying around and doing the bare minimum. Women don't want a man who goes along with everything they tell him to do-- that's a lonely burden for her to carry. They want a motivated co-pilot. They want to feel like a team with someone who's equally as motivated. https://www.drpsychmom.com/2014/11/17/get-husband-less-passive/

3) Are you reliable? When you agree to do something, can she be confident that it will be done in a timely way? Because if you're not reliable, you're one more kid for her to manage, and nobody wants to date their child.

1) No. I think that's a concern for her though, so I've been trying to demonstrate it's not the case.

2) No. I'm reasonably ambitious work-wise. I take the lead on some (but not all) household projects. I could be better about follow-through, so fair point. We're at least co-equal in terms of childcare/parenting duties.

3) Yes. Unless I forget, but that's rare and she forgets at least as often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are coming from a place of deep need and weakness, that will turn any woman off; there is a group starting soon and as soon as it’s ready I will leave a link here, the man running it is an absolute genius.

LOL wut. OK chief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Questions for you

1) Do you try to turn any hint of physical intimacy into sex, or into foreplay? Because that will cause her to shut down any touching at all.

2) Are you passive, in life generally? Do you take the initiative in your household to do various projects and plan various things? Women don't want someone who's arrogant and bossy, but they'll quickly get bored with someone who's a follower and always just lying around and doing the bare minimum. Women don't want a man who goes along with everything they tell him to do-- that's a lonely burden for her to carry. They want a motivated co-pilot. They want to feel like a team with someone who's equally as motivated. https://www.drpsychmom.com/2014/11/17/get-husband-less-passive/

3) Are you reliable? When you agree to do something, can she be confident that it will be done in a timely way? Because if you're not reliable, you're one more kid for her to manage, and nobody wants to date their child.

Can you talk more about this? Definitely the case in my household and maybe I need to tell DH this explicitly because he doesn't get it.

[Anonymous]

Well, I am also indifferent to my husband but he lacks any shred of self-awareness and I'm certain he is emotionally incapable of accessing parts of himself as you have to write this. I'm kind of saddened for you, as this is precisely the attitude I wish my H would adopt. But he is abusive with a likely personality disorder so everything is just more charged than what you've described here.

I'd suggest a relationship coach that comes highly reccomended and works solely with men. You need a but more support but I think you can turn this around. It could take awhile, 18 months or more, but you have a real shot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's what I'd suggest:

1) Downsize your schedule. I know it's not worse than anyone else's, but everyone's is pretty bad. Make some space and some peace. It sounds like your wife is burnt out and checked out. She needs rest before she will be ready to engage. This will take TIME.

2) Ask yourself if there are things your wife would like you to do, and do them. Be truly a partner in running the household and don't blow off her priorities because they aren't yours. Show some leadership on thinking ahead and planning family stuff, stop waiting for her to carry the load of everything. Offer her time to rest, and peace of mind.

3) Be extra considerate and really listen to her, whenever she speaks. Put down phone and tablets, spend your evening tidying up a bit and just being quietly available to her. Make eye contact and a listening face when she is speaking. Accept that she doesn't want the date night, that strategy is not working. Show her that family and home are your priorities and your joys. Make a little bit of an effort to be pleasant and caring and offer her the opportunity to connect. If you make dinner, serve it with care.

https://www.drpsychmom.com/2022/11/19/10-signs-your-wife-is-just-not-that-into-you/

1) Easier said than done. But this is not the main issue; we have adequate free time.

2) I do most of this, but could be better about planning stuff. Fair point

3) good advice. Although I make dinner solo for everyone 3-4 nights a week and do a pretty good job with it. I help her when she's cooking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd start with:

"Honey, I've been missing you lately and would love for us to get some extra time together. What would you enjoy?" See what she says and maybe have some backup ideas in case she doesn't have any. If possible for you with childcare, maybe even do a weekend away. If she tries to invite others, tell her you are fine setting up a separate plan with those people but you want this to be just you. If she refuses, then yes I think you have a bigger issue. But she might just be tired and overwhelmed.

I'm a busy tired mom but cannot imagine refusing my husband if he came to me and said "I made a reservation at [favorite restaurant] and I really want to take you out on Saturday. I'll order the kids some pizza." I would be over the moon.

This! I could be your wife, OP. I’m not looking for an exit, it’s just that life is increasing stressful! A night away in a hotel would be great!

[Anonymous]

I highly recommend this article. I do't know the details of your life, but often women spend years asking their husbands for more emotional intimacy, but they are ignored. The husband doesn't realize something is up until the wife has given up and detached and starts planning a life without their husband. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/divorce-busting/202209/the-walkaway-wife-syndrome-revisited