DS loves to swim but having friend issues on the swim team
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Anonymous
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My DS10 loves to swim and joined a competitive year-round swim team about 2 years ago. Since then his friends have left the team and he's finding it hard to mesh with the other boys in his soon-to-be age group (11-12). He said they're using inappropriate languages, making gay jokes and often excludes him because he does not understand/is uncomfortable with them. We understand it's an awkward age and some are immature, and that no matter where he goes he will meet a few like this so how should we approach this?
He doesn't want us to talk to the coach because he's afraid he's going to be even more singled out (and swim meets are looong for kids to be by themselves; he's not allowed a cell phone or tablet), but it's getting to the point where he doesn't want to go to practices anymore whereas he used to look forward to them. What would you do? Should we look for another team? |
Anonymous
| The gay jokes are facially unacceptable. Do you think the coach would do anything about that? I know you don't want to talk to them but it seems like the logical step. |
Anonymous
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Talk to the coach about the behavior. I assume it is happening on deck, the coach should stop it. The problem you are going to have is that even if they stop it on deck, this is who these kids are and he will not connect. At that age the groups might have some social get togethers ( we would make signs at someone's home for bigger meets and socials. |
Anonymous
| Is there another team you can join? These don’t sound like nice boys. |
Anonymous
| Normal when your kid hangs out with older kids. Soon enough those kids will age up. You can talk to the coach but most teams aren't that social. Ours is not. |
Anonymous
| I would get him out of there. That doesn't sound like a great environment. |
Anonymous
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A surprising amount of boys make gay jokes. My son tells me that if a kid is out as gay no one would ever make fun of him/her, but among some boys who are thought to be straight they all call each other gay (or the slurs we all know) constantly. (And this is progress? It sucks.) My son is 13 and has never really clicked with this type of packs of boys because of this kind of "bro-ing" out culture, which can be prevalent in sports in particular. He swims year round and is friends with a couple girls on his team and one boy one-on-one. Are there no other kids your son can find to hang out with? Usually these teams are decently big.
Talking to the coach won't really help. |
Anonymous
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They sound like terrible boys. I have been lucky that my kid has a bunch of private school kids in his lane, and they are the kindest boys. Really nice. Perhaps they are sheltered, but I will take it. |
Anonymous
As someone who went to private schools, this is an odd comment. My experience was some good kids, but a lot of spoiled jerks who thought they couldn’t get in trouble no matter what they did. |
Anonymous
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Ugh, don’t let this thread turn into a discussion about private school boys.
OP, sorry to hear this. Did every single one of his friends leave the 9/10 group? If he is 10 now, I assume there are other 10 year olds that will move up with him and that some of the 12 years olds will also move out. If he is the only 10 year old, it must be a very small team. Sometimes kids tell us things in order to vent and confirm that their complaints are valid, but we don’t always have to try to fix it for them. When my older son moved to a new team, he had trouble finding new friends and told me he wanted to leave. I commiserated with him and asked him to give it time. A few months later, he found his people and loves his group. Kids are known exaggerate (there’s NOONE to hang out with) when really they actually do have a friend or two there. Kids are also known to take one incident and generalize it to seem like it is happening ALL the time. Also, they are influenced by your reaction. I try to stay neutral at first when my kids tell me something - usually results in a more balanced conversation. |
Anonymous
| Let the poor kid have a tablet or iPhone at meets! |
Anonymous
it’s a club rule at our meets. The kids don’t pay attention if they are staring at screens. My 10yo don’t have any friends on her team either OP. It is what it is. |
Anonymous
+1 In our neighborhood they are the most obnoxious. |
Anonymous
| Can he go where his friends went now or next year? I don’t think these boys will change much. Or does your club have different days available? At 10 ours would have a couple options. |
Anonymous
My kid is 13 & brings a book to meets. Also waterproof Uno in case there is anyone to play with. Just give him a book if he’s bored. |