Bratty response to getting gifts

[Anonymous]

This problem has bothered me for years now so I thought I'd throw it out there for feedback. My sister has 3 kids and the 8 yr old girl is the most unappreciative child I know. No one can ever give her a gift and have her say thank you or show the slightest sign of gratitude. I always put so much effort in to buying something that's she's really in to, I even ask her what she wants and then run around trying to find it. But when she opens it you can get 1) no response 2) a grimace 3) throwing the gift across the room 4) a statement like: "Is that all?" It drives me and the entire family crazy. When I have tried to bring it up to my sister and BIL they laugh and say "Yeah, she's been like that her whole life." I dread buying her gifts. Her brothers don't behave like this at all. If it weren't for the other two, I would have stopped buying her gift years ago. If my kids acted this way I would snatch the gifts away and send them out of the room. I wouldn't allow it and I wouldn't be having big parties for them knowing this is how they acted. Thank God they don't. So what do I do? I can't not buy her gifts but continue to get them for her brothers. I have repeatedly brought it up to my sister and she just doesn't see that they can work on the behavior, they think it's her personality. What would you do in the same situation?

[Anonymous]

By 8, she's old enough to understand consequences and to have a real conversation with. The next time it happens, I would take her aside (so as not to cause a scene) and tell her "you really hurt our feelings when you act this way. If you don't appreciate the gifts we buy for you, we won't buy them anymore." Personally, I would insist on a thank-you note, but she should at least SAY thank-you. And then stick with it! Get her a card and nothing else. If she doesn't learn from family, she'll quickly alienate friends and colleagues as she gets older.

[Anonymous]

That is a *tough* one. If it were me, I think I would tell my sister that the next time your niece reacts rudely to a present you've given her, you plan to say "OK, no more presents for you until you can politely thank me" and then stick to it. Unless your sister reacts in a way that would cause a huge family rift, I'd then implement the plan and stick to it. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:By 8, she's old enough to understand consequences and to have a real conversation with. The next time it happens, I would take her aside (so as not to cause a scene) and tell her "you really hurt our feelings when you act this way. If you don't appreciate the gifts we buy for you, we won't buy them anymore." Personally, I would insist on a thank-you note, but she should at least SAY thank-you. And then stick with it! Get her a card and nothing else. If she doesn't learn from family, she'll quickly alienate friends and colleagues as she gets older.

OP here. I like your suggestion, but I know one of her Dad's Aunts tried this and the girl continued to act this way. The Aunt won't buy her gifts but my Niece hasn't learned from it. I am weary about that working, but like the idea. Do you think that if more and more relatives start doing this it'll help? My sis bad mouths the Aunt who did this, I am sure I'd be next.

[Anonymous]

I am in the same situation as you. Gave my 10 yr. old niece a lot of cash for her b-day (via her mom). No calls or thank you card. That didn't bug me because I thought I would get a verbal thank you the next time I saw her. A few days later I did see her and her mom remionded her of the generous gift I gave her and told her to tell me thank you. She grimaced, shook her head, and then with a surly attitude, said thank you. Guess what? Next gift giving opportunities, she is getting an inexpensive gift. I am not planning on saying anything to her or her mom or dad. I will handle it in a passive agressive manner. If she notices that the money isn't coming in and asks about it, I'll explain why. If she doesn't notice, then that is better for my wallet. Not up to me to teach this kid a lesson. She should know better.

[Anonymous]

10:22 here: If her parents bad-mouth people who are hurt and desperately trying to teach manners, then they are really part of the problem (not surprising).

If you are comfortable talking to your sister, I would tell her ahead of time what your concerns are and what you plan to do. Tell her that you love your niece, but that you have no obligation to give gifts to someone who is unappreciative. Tell her how much you love the way her sons thank-you, so that she doesn't take it as a personal attack on her parenting (even though it kind of is).

In the end, it's not worth a huge family rift if that's what you think it will cause. Her due will come to her sooner or later, and it isn't your job to teach her manners. But if you can get through it gracefully, then I would try to. Perhaps her next gift could be a manners and etiquette class? If she gets to dress up and go to the Ritz, she may not realize that you have ulterior motives!!

[Anonymous]

OP again. MY DH says I should buy her a 6 week course at a boot camp this summer. lol. I am tempted.

[Anonymous]

Won't go into a long story about an unappreciative child that I know-but I have my own thoughts regarding my child. For his birthdays, he gets a nice celebration, family and friends, but no presents, we tell everyone-no presents, but if you want, make a donation to our favorite 501C3 or buy him a book. I don't buy him toys/things when we're at Target, I never want to get into the "buy me this"...I see so many children who expect so much and it bothers me. I was in the hospital when I was 6-and was given so many presents, however, the litte girl that I shared a room with didn't have anything, so my parents had me give my presents to her, because I already had so much. That always stuck with me. My son really needs to understand about giving back and appreciating what he has-we give what he needs. I can't tolerate a brat-sorry if this sounds harsh. My parents also had a baby that was born at 7 months (1968) and back then, babies born that early didn't stand a chance, so they donated her to science, and now most babies born that early have a 90% chance of living. It's all in how you raise your children!!!

[Anonymous]

No thank you cards-is rude! No matter what the present-it's rude. Children learn from their parents...

[Anonymous]

Ok a little off topic, but my husband's family never ever ever says thank you for any gifts we send. Christmas entails spending hundreds of dollars and shipping them to them, never to hear a word of appreciation, or heck, if they even got them. So no, no advice here, just frankly thinking about how as soon as my son is old enough he'll be writing/drawing thank you notes immediately! (And as a side note- I was even "picked on" for writing them thank you notes early in our relationship. Weird)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok a little off topic, but my husband's family never ever ever says thank you for any gifts we send. Christmas entails spending hundreds of dollars and shipping them to them, never to hear a word of appreciation, or heck, if they even got them. So no, no advice here, just frankly thinking about how as soon as my son is old enough he'll be writing/drawing thank you notes immediately! (And as a side note- I was even "picked on" for writing them thank you notes early in our relationship. Weird)

Op again. Yes, come to think of it her parents do this too. We used to send gifts at Easter or Halloween and they wouldn't acknowledge it. So we'd call thinking maybe the package got lost and they would simply say "We got it" and barely mumble a thank you. So we stopped. I guess the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree. I guess we should be happy that our nephews seemed to have found manners somewhere. huh? This was so long ago I had forgotten about it till I read this post.

[Anonymous]

I do hate that we're such a consumer driven society. I try to limit the gifts my kids get, but it's so hard. What I do is have them go through their clothes and toys a couple times a year (before bdays & xmas) and take bags to a local shelter. I want them to know they are lucky and not everyone is. I think it helps.

[Anonymous]

My husband has a sister who tells us what she wants!!!!! OMG-if I would have done that growing up, my mother would have been appalled. Her daughter is just like her. His mother expects so much from her children, and never says thank you. He acknowledges that his mother is rude-that's why I wanted to get a nanny instead of her watching him-she's not rubbing off on my child.

[Anonymous]

I remember what it was like being an older kid (6-11, maybe) and reminded (in front of the giver) to say thanks for something I received. I think I resisted it, and was never sincere enough until I was older, because there's something about the age. I didn't want it to be a big deal. And I wanted to be able to make it my decision. It took me a long, long time to learn to be civilized!

But that said, the "training" to be civilized does take a long time. Your niece's parents shouldn't give up on trying to teach her manners, just because it's her "personality"--because ingratitude isn't a pretty trait to have!

Maybe instead of gifts, your presents to your niece can take the form of time spent with you. What if you take her to get her nails done, or to a game arcade, or to a play or movie, just the two of you? (That's assuming you can get away, and the rest of her "personality" isn't as toxic.) Then maybe you can have a gentle conversation with her about what gifts mean--that they're a sign of love & esteem from the giver.

[Anonymous]

Families are hard. You get all types but you're stuck with them!