Sad about minuscule pool of eligible men after divorce at 44

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I should add that I know someone who fits the description of PPs’ soon-to-be ex husbands. He’s a nice guy, great job, in shape, great dad. He and his wife split for the same reasons (lack of excitement), but he’s still good friends with her. I feel sorry for the women he dates. On the one hand, he has unrealistic expectations and expects the fireworks that were missing from his marriage. On the other hand, he’s still in love with his ex wife, whom he regards as his best friend. So that leaves any future girlfriend wife with the burden of having to be thrilling all the time to a man who is also somewhat emotionally unavailable to her.

I feel sorry for him. To carry the torch for someone who no longer wants to be married to you is pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s silly to think that every divorced man or woman out there is damaged goods. My husband and I are separating after 20 years because we basically fell out of love years ago. We’ve been more like friends and roommates for years, he doesn’t spark attraction in me anymore and probably vice versa, and we’re both ready to move on now that both kids are almost out of high school. He’s a great man and he would make someone a great husband or partner. And I hope he does find love again...which speaks to how my feelings for him have changed and I don’t really feel jealous at the thought of that.

I’m sure he and I are not the only ones in this situation. I hear it mentioned on this board a lot...that love has evolved into a non-romantic, more roommates kind of marriage.

Out of curiosity, what spurred one or both of you to actually suggest divorcing? I think most marriages like yours stay together and consider themselves success stories.

It was the comment someone made above about faking it, that explains it the most. We’ve both realized that we would make great partners for someone, even if that someone is not each other. And we may never meet someone else. But we’d both rather go out and live the lives we each want specifically rather than faking it staying married, not really using the short time we have to do what truly makes us happy. And we’re parting as good friends with lots of affection for each other.

Some of the specific reasons....we have no real sexual attraction for each other anymore, any spark was gone long ago. We’re basically roommates and friends now. We want to live in different places after the kids are out on their own, me near my father especially, wanting to spend more time with him before he passes away. We have different interests that have more broadly separated, so that we rarely do things together now outside of the house. That’s just a few of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I should add that I know someone who fits the description of PPs’ soon-to-be ex husbands. He’s a nice guy, great job, in shape, great dad. He and his wife split for the same reasons (lack of excitement), but he’s still good friends with her. I feel sorry for the women he dates. On the one hand, he has unrealistic expectations and expects the fireworks that were missing from his marriage. On the other hand, he’s still in love with his ex wife, whom he regards as his best friend. So that leaves any future girlfriend wife with the burden of having to be thrilling all the time to a man who is also somewhat emotionally unavailable to her.

I feel sorry for him. To carry the torch for someone who no longer wants to be married to you is pathetic.

I’m the PP in the post above this one. I think that’s the point. Yes, we are emotionally available because our current spouse has become nothing more than a good friend and roommate. There is no “in love” anymore or we’d still want to be married.

[Anonymous]

^^^ PP again, I just read one comment again above, about us probably not having had huge sparks to begin with. Yes, nail on the head. We were attracted to each other enough to have some sparks in the beginning, and there was strong emotion enough to want to marry each other. We both were also at the point of wanting to start the married with children phase of our lives. But there is no real chance to respark some huge, intense desire for each other because we never really had that. Lots of comfortableness with each other but no true, out of this world fireworks enough to rekindle something over 20 years down the road. That’s probably why we are at the point we are at now, able to start separating but still are friends and have affection for each other.

[Anonymous]

"No true out of this world fireworks......". Could it be that your expectations concerning marriage are unrealistic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^ PP again, I just read one comment again above, about us probably not having had huge sparks to begin with. Yes, nail on the head. We were attracted to each other enough to have some sparks in the beginning, and there was strong emotion enough to want to marry each other. We both were also at the point of wanting to start the married with children phase of our lives. But there is no real chance to respark some huge, intense desire for each other because we never really had that. Lots of comfortableness with each other but no true, out of this world fireworks enough to rekindle something over 20 years down the road. That’s probably why we are at the point we are at now, able to start separating but still are friends and have affection for each other.

I asked earlier how you started that conversation, but then a few posters attacked you and it got sidetracked. But your description here again makes me curious! I'm in the same situation, and while I'd love the chance to find fireworks, I have no idea how to get over the hump of hurting DH.

[Anonymous]

This thread is crazy. I met my ex-husband at 23 and was married at 26. I had a terrible marriage and divorce, with three children. Now at 50, I have the best relationship ever, with someone I just wish I met at 23.

It can happen. You have to have an open mind, be thick-skinned if you want to online date, and you have to ask everyone if they know of anyone who is single and might be a setup for you.

The rest of this thread is just opinion. OP, there are some good guys out there. You're more likely to find them if you are introduced by mutual friends. You have many years left! And remember, just because someone isn't perfect, or if they have some baggage, it doesn't mean that you won't make each other very happy. ALL people over the age of 40 are flawed, set in their ways, and carry some baggage, married or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"No true out of this world fireworks......". Could it be that your expectations concerning marriage are unrealistic?

No, because I’ve had those fireworks with others before him and so has he. But no fireworks or chance of respark would be ok if we both were happy and content. But there’s so many other things going on that we’re at the point of moving forward separately.

[Anonymous]

NP. Divorced at 38 with an 8 year old. 41 now and truly don’t see the issue OP laments about.

Good men, like good women, still take work and have standards. If you can’t take the heat get TF out the kitchen. We sear our rare steaks here baby!

[Anonymous]

People who are bored after 20 years or so, what do you think is gonna happen 20 years into your new relationship? I’m genuinely curious. The passion settles down for everyone. Living with someone and experiencing their every high and every low is draining, of course there is no spark anymore, so you just leave relationship after relationship as you get bored?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who are bored after 20 years or so, what do you think is gonna happen 20 years into your new relationship? I’m genuinely curious. The passion settles down for everyone. Living with someone and experiencing their every high and every low is draining, of course there is no spark anymore, so you just leave relationship after relationship as you get bored?

I think you minimize divorce. Most people don't divorce because they are "bored"; most people divorce when it is not a good marriage. Some people do divorce because they outgrow each other. What do you care? I was married for 10 years. I will never remarry. I will be single for life. But if I meet someone I want to be with, I don't think I will be "bored." If it is truly empty, or not worth it, no reason to stay for the sake of staying. I am fine not living with another person. I am in my 40s. I doubt IF I was with someone for 20+ years at this point (unlikely, but if I did, I would not likely leave in my 60s. However, I am not remarrying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who are bored after 20 years or so, what do you think is gonna happen 20 years into your new relationship? I’m genuinely curious. The passion settles down for everyone. Living with someone and experiencing their every high and every low is draining, of course there is no spark anymore, so you just leave relationship after relationship as you get bored?

For some it will only be 10 years until boredom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who are bored after 20 years or so, what do you think is gonna happen 20 years into your new relationship? I’m genuinely curious. The passion settles down for everyone. Living with someone and experiencing their every high and every low is draining, of course there is no spark anymore, so you just leave relationship after relationship as you get bored?

They will be dead. Midlife crisis (middle to late 50s) + 20 years = average expiration date in US. Probably earlier if you don't count dementia years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^^ PP again, I just read one comment again above, about us probably not having had huge sparks to begin with. Yes, nail on the head. We were attracted to each other enough to have some sparks in the beginning, and there was strong emotion enough to want to marry each other. We both were also at the point of wanting to start the married with children phase of our lives. But there is no real chance to respark some huge, intense desire for each other because we never really had that. Lots of comfortableness with each other but no true, out of this world fireworks enough to rekindle something over 20 years down the road. That’s probably why we are at the point we are at now, able to start separating but still are friends and have affection for each other.

Interesting perspective, thanks for sharing.

We are similar, but we decided on a DADT policy. So we can have the passionate sex with others but come home to the security of marriage. Seems less of a headache than divorce. In reality, there aren't that many couples that have the spark after 2 decades. That's just marriage.

I assume you are both financially successful, which makes divorcing a lot easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People who are bored after 20 years or so, what do you think is gonna happen 20 years into your new relationship? I’m genuinely curious. The passion settles down for everyone. Living with someone and experiencing their every high and every low is draining, of course there is no spark anymore, so you just leave relationship after relationship as you get bored?

The valid point you made is exactly why I can't understand the appeal of wanting to get married to someone else after you and DH or DW have successfully raised your kids. I can totally see separating from your co-parent and starting a new relationship, but wouldn't it make more sense to stay with the new person only as long as you both want to and then agree to move on if the feelings of one person change? If you do not have kids together, why would you want to be with the same person for the rest of your life? (I am not including the 5 percent of "star couples" who are brought together by destiny for everlasting love.)