Drowning as a working mom--help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Indian woman here: Sounds like you married an Indian male! Many were spoiled by mothers who did everything for them. This is too bad, but not too early to prevent in your children. My DH is not indian, but a complete equal partner. I have been the breadwinner for many years. He makes lunches, does drop off, etc. I do cleaning but he is very neat and doesdishes and laundry.

Since you’re a doctor, you can definitely justify more housekeeping and outsourcing expenses. As the kids get older you may need sitter to take them to activities, something we are considering too.

I'm an Indian woman married to a caucasian man and my husband is just like OPs, so.....no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess everyone missed where DH get the kids ready in the morning and takes them to school, so hence he works later hours?! And OP goes to gym early in the morning, and made it so that she is home with the kids in the afternoon? Some people just can't stop blaming the men for not doing dishes!!!

No we didn't miss it. Did you miss the part where OP does around 4 hours of childcare solo, but DH only does 1.5-2 hrs? He's only on duty from wakeup to drop off; she's on duty from around 3:30-7:30 when he rolls in. Plus, she makes 2 meals a day for the family and he apparently makes no family meals.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess everyone missed where DH get the kids ready in the morning and takes them to school, so hence he works later hours?! And OP goes to gym early in the morning, and made it so that she is home with the kids in the afternoon? Some people just can't stop blaming the men for not doing dishes!!!

No we didn't miss it. Did you miss the part where OP does around 4 hours of childcare solo, but DH only does 1.5-2 hrs? He's only on duty from wakeup to drop off; she's on duty from around 3:30-7:30 when he rolls in. Plus, she makes 2 meals a day for the family and he apparently makes no family meals.

And you also must have missed the part where her DH unilaterally decided to A) do less work around the house than her and B) forbid her from outsourcing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If you're going to feed your kids thawed sandwiches without tomato lettuce or mayo, why not let them eat school lunch?

They can if they want. They can add some sliced tomatoes or lettuce in the morning if they want, or bring a packet of mayonnaise to add at school. Seriously the thawed sandwiches are perfectly fine.

Also you can grab a frozen sandwich and spread a little butter or mayo on the outside and grill it for a quick dinner, like if a kid needs something to eat before heading out to soccer or whatever.

Thawed frozen sandwiches are gross. Just make them the night before. Or give them cheese sticks and crackers and fruit. Sandwiches are not required!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again--this really blew up! I appreciate getting so much helpful feedback!

I wanted to clarify that I am not a doctor and I make a fraction of what an MD makes (50% at best). We make enough to afford bimonthly cleaners and this has been a longstanding discussion/argument between me and DH. At this point, I don't feel I have it in me to go another round.

Also, I have definitely considered after care many, many times and what has held me back is that I negotiated my current schedule with the understanding that this would be a 40 hr/week arrangement. I have really resented the job creep and the fact that I work far more than 40 hours, hence have resisted trying to get into aftercare. But that said, it's a moot point for the next 6 months bc there is already a wait list at our school.

I did sign kids up for enrichment 1 day/week which means I don't have to run out of work every single day, starting next month, and am hoping to use that time to catch up as much as possible.

I mentioned in a prior post that DH does all of our laundry (mine included), makes dinner on weekends, runs/empties the dishwasher some mornings...I agree that I do more, but he's stepped it up. We do online grocery ordering, Amazon Prime, and takeout once a week.

I am definitely looking into more meal prep on weekends! And I wish I could say that I look amazing but the 5 days a week of working out is much more for my sanity than my body

They should be in aftercare regardless of whether you negotiate a 40 hr-week schedule. You agreeing to do a radically early flex time in order to pick them up from school is only screwing yourself over -- you don't get a part-time job OR childcare. 40 hrs is fulltime. You shouldn't attempt to work full time AND do childcare.

[Anonymous]

I commented earlier and acknowledged that the DH does his fair share, but I missed the part about him leaving shoes and clothes laying around. Apparently, the kids are picking up on this habit. The DH feels OP has too high of a standard and refuses to outsource housekeeping beyond current 1x/month level.

OP, as you may realize, your DH is setting a terrible example for the kids. You and he need to come to some kind of understanding about what is acceptable in your household, but he is not doing your kids any favors for later in life by leaving shoes and clothes everywhere. And you are not doing them any favors by letting them watch 1.5 hours of a screen each day, versus involving them in household chores for the evening. I am genuinely trying to say this with kindness because our home is far from perfect. I say this simply as an outside commentator.

Others have suggested aftercare and if you are trying to balance the kids with working even though you are home then yes aftercare would be a good option. It would be better than so much screen time for sure. However you approach this, do your best to set expectations now. It never gets easier. It’s much harder to wean the kids from screens and make them pick up their clothes when they are teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again--this really blew up! I appreciate getting so much helpful feedback!

I wanted to clarify that I am not a doctor and I make a fraction of what an MD makes (50% at best). We make enough to afford bimonthly cleaners and this has been a longstanding discussion/argument between me and DH. At this point, I don't feel I have it in me to go another round.

Also, I have definitely considered after care many, many times and what has held me back is that I negotiated my current schedule with the understanding that this would be a 40 hr/week arrangement. I have really resented the job creep and the fact that I work far more than 40 hours, hence have resisted trying to get into aftercare. But that said, it's a moot point for the next 6 months bc there is already a wait list at our school.

I did sign kids up for enrichment 1 day/week which means I don't have to run out of work every single day, starting next month, and am hoping to use that time to catch up as much as possible.

I mentioned in a prior post that DH does all of our laundry (mine included), makes dinner on weekends, runs/empties the dishwasher some mornings...I agree that I do more, but he's stepped it up. We do online grocery ordering, Amazon Prime, and takeout once a week.

I am definitely looking into more meal prep on weekends! And I wish I could say that I look amazing but the 5 days a week of working out is much more for my sanity than my body

They should be in aftercare regardless of whether you negotiate a 40 hr-week schedule. You agreeing to do a radically early flex time in order to pick them up from school is only screwing yourself over -- you don't get a part-time job OR childcare. 40 hrs is fulltime. You shouldn't attempt to work full time AND do childcare.

+1 And you are also screwing over your kids in your attempt to be superwoman. At 2nd and 5th grade, they'll do better with 90-120 hours of aftercare with their peers than plopped in front of a tv while their mom is stressed out and trying to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again--this really blew up! I appreciate getting so much helpful feedback!

I wanted to clarify that I am not a doctor and I make a fraction of what an MD makes (50% at best). We make enough to afford bimonthly cleaners and this has been a longstanding discussion/argument between me and DH. At this point, I don't feel I have it in me to go another round.

Also, I have definitely considered after care many, many times and what has held me back is that I negotiated my current schedule with the understanding that this would be a 40 hr/week arrangement. I have really resented the job creep and the fact that I work far more than 40 hours, hence have resisted trying to get into aftercare. But that said, it's a moot point for the next 6 months bc there is already a wait list at our school.

I did sign kids up for enrichment 1 day/week which means I don't have to run out of work every single day, starting next month, and am hoping to use that time to catch up as much as possible.

I mentioned in a prior post that DH does all of our laundry (mine included), makes dinner on weekends, runs/empties the dishwasher some mornings...I agree that I do more, but he's stepped it up. We do online grocery ordering, Amazon Prime, and takeout once a week.

I am definitely looking into more meal prep on weekends! And I wish I could say that I look amazing but the 5 days a week of working out is much more for my sanity than my body

They should be in aftercare regardless of whether you negotiate a 40 hr-week schedule. You agreeing to do a radically early flex time in order to pick them up from school is only screwing yourself over -- you don't get a part-time job OR childcare. 40 hrs is fulltime. You shouldn't attempt to work full time AND do childcare.

+1 And you are also screwing over your kids in your attempt to be superwoman. At 2nd and 5th grade, they'll do better with 90-120 hours of aftercare with their peers than plopped in front of a tv while their mom is stressed out and trying to work.

At their ages, they don't need to be in front of the TV even if at home. They can read, play, do homework ...

[Anonymous]

buy hot lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again--this really blew up! I appreciate getting so much helpful feedback!

I wanted to clarify that I am not a doctor and I make a fraction of what an MD makes (50% at best). We make enough to afford bimonthly cleaners and this has been a longstanding discussion/argument between me and DH. At this point, I don't feel I have it in me to go another round.

Also, I have definitely considered after care many, many times and what has held me back is that I negotiated my current schedule with the understanding that this would be a 40 hr/week arrangement. I have really resented the job creep and the fact that I work far more than 40 hours, hence have resisted trying to get into aftercare. But that said, it's a moot point for the next 6 months bc there is already a wait list at our school.

I did sign kids up for enrichment 1 day/week which means I don't have to run out of work every single day, starting next month, and am hoping to use that time to catch up as much as possible.

I mentioned in a prior post that DH does all of our laundry (mine included), makes dinner on weekends, runs/empties the dishwasher some mornings...I agree that I do more, but he's stepped it up. We do online grocery ordering, Amazon Prime, and takeout once a week.

I am definitely looking into more meal prep on weekends! And I wish I could say that I look amazing but the 5 days a week of working out is much more for my sanity than my body

They should be in aftercare regardless of whether you negotiate a 40 hr-week schedule. You agreeing to do a radically early flex time in order to pick them up from school is only screwing yourself over -- you don't get a part-time job OR childcare. 40 hrs is fulltime. You shouldn't attempt to work full time AND do childcare.

+1 And you are also screwing over your kids in your attempt to be superwoman. At 2nd and 5th grade, they'll do better with 90-120 hours of aftercare with their peers than plopped in front of a tv while their mom is stressed out and trying to work.

At their ages, they don't need to be in front of the TV even if at home. They can read, play, do homework ...

Either way, I think a lot of OP's anxiety comes from rushing out at 3 or whatever to get the kids and feeling like work isn't done and leaving when the office is still in full swing. it might be better if she had the kids in aftercare, wrapped up her work at work, and then got the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again--this really blew up! I appreciate getting so much helpful feedback!

I wanted to clarify that I am not a doctor and I make a fraction of what an MD makes (50% at best). We make enough to afford bimonthly cleaners and this has been a longstanding discussion/argument between me and DH. At this point, I don't feel I have it in me to go another round.

Also, I have definitely considered after care many, many times and what has held me back is that I negotiated my current schedule with the understanding that this would be a 40 hr/week arrangement. I have really resented the job creep and the fact that I work far more than 40 hours, hence have resisted trying to get into aftercare. But that said, it's a moot point for the next 6 months bc there is already a wait list at our school.

I did sign kids up for enrichment 1 day/week which means I don't have to run out of work every single day, starting next month, and am hoping to use that time to catch up as much as possible.

I mentioned in a prior post that DH does all of our laundry (mine included), makes dinner on weekends, runs/empties the dishwasher some mornings...I agree that I do more, but he's stepped it up. We do online grocery ordering, Amazon Prime, and takeout once a week.

I am definitely looking into more meal prep on weekends! And I wish I could say that I look amazing but the 5 days a week of working out is much more for my sanity than my body

They should be in aftercare regardless of whether you negotiate a 40 hr-week schedule. You agreeing to do a radically early flex time in order to pick them up from school is only screwing yourself over -- you don't get a part-time job OR childcare. 40 hrs is fulltime. You shouldn't attempt to work full time AND do childcare.

+1 And you are also screwing over your kids in your attempt to be superwoman. At 2nd and 5th grade, they'll do better with 90-120 hours of aftercare with their peers than plopped in front of a tv while their mom is stressed out and trying to work.

At their ages, they don't need to be in front of the TV even if at home. They can read, play, do homework ...

Either way, I think a lot of OP's anxiety comes from rushing out at 3 or whatever to get the kids and feeling like work isn't done and leaving when the office is still in full swing. it might be better if she had the kids in aftercare, wrapped up her work at work, and then got the kids.

I don't disagree at all! Weirdly though, I find that sticking my kid in front of the TV actually does not make the house feel more relaxed (unless it's a Saturday morning and enables me to sleep ... ) He's old enough not to get in my way when I'm cooking or doing chores. Something about having him vegged out in front of the TV (and having to hear it) after a long day at work & school just makes the house feel icky and de-energized. And I'm not against screen time at all ... my kid gets a massive unlimited amount of it on the weekends.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'd just schedule the cleaners. I have a full time job, 2 hour commute, volunteer, dh does also, and our kids are very busy with school, volunteering and work. We NEED the help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Indian woman here: Sounds like you married an Indian male! Many were spoiled by mothers who did everything for them. This is too bad, but not too early to prevent in your children. My DH is not indian, but a complete equal partner. I have been the breadwinner for many years. He makes lunches, does drop off, etc. I do cleaning but he is very neat and doesdishes and laundry.

Since you’re a doctor, you can definitely justify more housekeeping and outsourcing expenses. As the kids get older you may need sitter to take them to activities, something we are considering too.

So according to your backwards mentality, working mothers who do not have careers at the same caliber as a physician can not justify housekeeping and outsourcing expenses?

I don't think the poster is backwards. Maybe "justify" was a bad choice of words, but the point is simply that a physician makes more money and more likely to be able to afford things like housekeeping, gardeners, etc.

Thanks, that’s exactly what I meant. I’m in communications ata nonprofit. My husband is not currently working, we can’t afford a house cleaner, but I imagine op can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Thawed frozen sandwiches are gross. Just make them the night before. Or give them cheese sticks and crackers and fruit. Sandwiches are not required!

No, they really aren't gross. They are perfectly normal.

But OP's problem is she is working full time but doesn't have full time child care and is trying to work for an hour and a half each day while also picking up her kids and supervising homework and getting dinner started. That needs to change.

I think having kids in aftercare and coming home to make phone calls as needed, and also have some time to yourself (3:30-5:00), and then going to pick up the kids at school at 5:15, would be a better use of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Indian woman here: Sounds like you married an Indian male! Many were spoiled by mothers who did everything for them. This is too bad, but not too early to prevent in your children. My DH is not indian, but a complete equal partner. I have been the breadwinner for many years. He makes lunches, does drop off, etc. I do cleaning but he is very neat and doesdishes and laundry.

Since you’re a doctor, you can definitely justify more housekeeping and outsourcing expenses. As the kids get older you may need sitter to take them to activities, something we are considering too.

I'm an Indian woman married to a caucasian man and my husband is just like OPs, so.....no.

You married the wrong Caucasian man! That is part of the benefit!