Repulsed by role playing idea

[Anonymous]

OP - I am with you. Repulsed may not be the right word -- but uncomfortable and unenjoyable . So why the pressure from others to do this? I didn't ever pretend to be into role playing or "fantasies." It was never my thing - my DH certainly knew this before we were married so why should I feel this is some sort of marital obligation? It has made me less intimate if anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ha ha, amazing! Also about the cheerleader thing, probably wants to feel like *he's* back in HS/college again. I think this is one of your more common fantasies. My DH wants me to don the Princess Leia bikini top costume. Told him I'd like to be a little fitter first, but will do.

You married Ross Gellar?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am with you. Repulsed may not be the right word -- but uncomfortable and unenjoyable . So why the pressure from others to do this? I didn't ever pretend to be into role playing or "fantasies." It was never my thing - my DH certainly knew this before we were married so why should I feel this is some sort of marital obligation? It has made me less intimate if anything.

I think "sexually repressed " is the phrase.

Why try anything new sexually? Even very mild role play or fantasy? Why do anything else like go to a new restaurant once in a while.

[Anonymous]

Most posters aren't saying you have obligations to role play if you don't want to.

Most posters are saying don't be rude if your spouse asks you to try something new.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a DH whose wife reacted very negatively when I tried to share fantasies, I can tell you that he will find a way to explore them with or without you. I would posit that the more vehemently you reject him for his fantasies, the more threatening to your marriage his outlet will be. The man bared his soul to you and you shut him down and basically told him he is a deviant.

What could possibly go wrong?

Another DH who had a very common fantasy shot down by my wife, with a "that's weird" attached. Rest assured, I stopped sharing fantasies. I found someone online who has the same reciprocal fantasy so it's a safe outlet although the temptation to meet irl is strong.
[i]
Op, I don't think you realize how destructive you are being to your relationship

Did you ever tell your wife how much you were hurt by having your fantasies shut down by her? She must have done so more than once and with enough disdain for you to go outside your marriage. And how did you find this online friend? Someone you know in real life?

It wasn't just one fantasy that was shot down (it was an escort fantasy, FWIW). It was also that I bought her lingerie that gathered dust. Sex toys that never came out. Sex talk that turned into a monologue. Basically, I was solely responsible for our sex life and it got tiresome after a while with an uninterested partner.

I met an amazing woman online whose dynamic meshed with mine on a site similar to this. Total unicorn. Very affirming. Bonus for my wife - she is no longer annoyed by my sexuality.....

(Assuming you're the first rejected DH quoted above.) So you ended up having a real life affair with the woman you met online? How is that working out for your marriage? Honest question, no snark intended.

[Anonymous]

My husband claims to have no fantasies. I have asked him about this and have told him mine. I often wonder if he is just embarrassed by whatever his fantasy is, or if he really is just happy with how things are. FWIW, my fantasy was very tame, about having him basically telling me what he was going to do and doing it, sort of taking over. I'm definitely not talking about anything nonconsensual - if he said he was going to say something bizarre, I would say no, but it's more that he would be in control because he is never really that assertive. He has never done it and has said he would be uncomfortable with it, so I feel like I am the one with the pressure to change things up and be assertive.

I would do the cheerleader thing, it doesn't freak me out. I really don't think of young girls when I think of cheerleaders. But, honestly OP, it's up to you. You said you gave options for other role playing, and it's just this one cheerleading thing that freaks you out. I think that's totally fine - you shouldn't have to do something that would make you completely unhappy and, without getting too explicit, you do need to be at least somewhat in the mood for things to progress comfortably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am with you. Repulsed may not be the right word -- but uncomfortable and unenjoyable . So why the pressure from others to do this? I didn't ever pretend to be into role playing or "fantasies." It was never my thing - my DH certainly knew this before we were married so why should I feel this is some sort of marital obligation? It has made me less intimate if anything.

Marriages are made up of compromises. People do things to make their spouses happy. It should be a two way street, by both partners.

[Anonymous]

Is the same person posting over and over that marriage is about compromise and therefore OP should do this? That the compromise in question means OP ceding to this specific request, and not the myriad other role playing ideas she's offered to try? That compromise only applies to her?

Also, is said poster drinking heavily?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OK, I'll admit since its anon that I think role playing in general is super cheesy and lame.

I agree. But if it turned my wife on I'd do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the same person posting over and over that marriage is about compromise and therefore OP should do this? That the compromise in question means OP ceding to this specific request, and not the myriad other role playing ideas she's offered to try? That compromise only applies to her?

Also, is said poster drinking heavily?

NP, totally sober .

Marriage is all about compromise. Sometimes compromise is saying "I'm not comfortable with that, why don't we try this instead?" which is what the OP indicates she did. Sometimes compromise means trying something new that you are unsure about, but it's important to your partner so you do it anyway. Sometimes compromise is doing what you know you'll hate, but once again, it's important to your partner so put your big girl panties on (or a cheerleading outfit) and get to it.

Pick your battles. Learned that with parenting and it totally applies to spousing as well. If it's really meaningful to you that you don't do it, explain it to your partner in a loving way.

I f***ing hate spending time with my in-laws. They are toxic. But it's important to dw to try and work on that relationship, so I man up and get through it. I'd much wish DW asked me to put on a fire fighter jacket and a red banana sling jock strap and get busy while listening to George Strait sing "The Fireman." And I hate country music!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PGdWmexwJok