Hosting a birthday party dinner at restaurant, but want everyone to go dutch

[Anonymous]

Entertaining is about making your guests feel welcome. And, in some cases, celebrating a special occasion. If you extend an invitation to dinner it is expected that you will pay. If you really don't want to host at your home, then you could find a family-style restaurant to manage the costs. Although I did attend a birthday party at a family-style restaurant once and one of the guests surprised the hostess by announcing, when the bill arrived, that we couldn't possibly let her pay because she and DH were in grad school and so all the guests should split the bill. All the guests, of course, agreed but it was very akward for the hostess and her husband as everyone started fumbling around to get the cash collected. Not everyone had cash on hand and so the waitress had to take a bunch of credit cards and then they were all mixed up. It was a long, akward process.

You could invite people over for pot luck dinner - at least they know in advance they are expected to bring something. Or you could do some simple dishes, beer and wine and make a cake like other's have suggested to keep the costs down.

A pot luck dinner invitation sets clear expectations for your guests. A dinner invitation to a restaurant does not - unless you explain that it's some kind of "pot luck restaurant dinner" where all the guests split the bill. I personally would prefer bringing an entree to your house rather than subsidizing the bill for the guest sitting next to me who will invariably order soup, salad, lobster entree, and dessert while downing glasses of champagne because he knows he's "splitting" the bill.

Your party doesn't have to be a sit down formal occasion. My favorite parties have been at the homes/apartments of people where most guests were standing and eating from a buffet. Your party will be great if you are a relaxed and welcoming hostess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm planning a surprise birthday party for my DH. I want to organize a dinner at a restaurant, and then have everyone come back to our house for cake, drinks, desserts, and hanging out.

Anyhow, I am going to send out an evite, but how do I get it across that the dinner at the restaurant is dutch, and we're not paying for everyone's meals? My sister seems to think that the guests will all think that DH and I are paying for their dinners. Personally, I wouldn't assume that from getting an invitation like that and would assume it would be dutch. Is she right? Will they assume that we're paying for them?

How would you phrase this on an invitation to make it clear that we will all be going dutch?

My sister did this for a party for my BIL. I was so offended. We did not attend.

OP, if YOU are HOSTING a party YOU PAY for it. Asking others to pay for their meal is the rudest thing I have ever heard of. If you are worried about cost, just do the dessert thing and leave it at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to get a grip (imagine you're Prissy and Miss Scarlett is smacking you). This is what you do. Have the party at your house. Got to Trader Joe's or Cosco or wherever and buy some meatballs, tartlets, cheeses, etc. Wrap some asparagus in prosciutto, wrap a small brie wheel in phyllo, buy a reasonably priced cake, lots of wine, beer, champagne, a little liquor, and have a blast.

You're making way too much out of this and pressuring yourself. My guess is that eventually, the stress it's causing you will transfer to your husband, and you'll make him miserable. Really, does your husband care whether or not you all go to a restaurant? I doubt it. If I was a guest, I'd much rather go to a house party where I can laugh, mingle, nibble on small bites, and enjoy the company of my hosts and friends. And then later, I could steal the hostess' Xanax and pass out in her bathroom in my own vomit. Anyway, have a rip-roaring party at home, and enjoy yourself. Flirt with your husband all night and whisper dirty things in his ear, promising something delicious later. Have sex on your guests' coats or sneak off to some dark corner of the house. I'm guessing your husband would prefer that over dinner at the Palm.

I'm pretty sure from OP's posts she has no Xanax in her house for you Ke$ha

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to get a grip (imagine you're Prissy and Miss Scarlett is smacking you). This is what you do. Have the party at your house. Got to Trader Joe's or Cosco or wherever and buy some meatballs, tartlets, cheeses, etc. Wrap some asparagus in prosciutto, wrap a small brie wheel in phyllo, buy a reasonably priced cake, lots of wine, beer, champagne, a little liquor, and have a blast.

You're making way too much out of this and pressuring yourself. My guess is that eventually, the stress it's causing you will transfer to your husband, and you'll make him miserable. Really, does your husband care whether or not you all go to a restaurant? I doubt it. If I was a guest, I'd much rather go to a house party where I can laugh, mingle, nibble on small bites, and enjoy the company of my hosts and friends. And then later, I could steal the hostess' Xanax and pass out in her bathroom in my own vomit. Anyway, have a rip-roaring party at home, and enjoy yourself. Flirt with your husband all night and whisper dirty things in his ear, promising something delicious later. Have sex on your guests' coats or sneak off to some dark corner of the house. I'm guessing your husband would prefer that over dinner at the Palm.

I'm pretty sure from OP's posts she has no Xanax in her house for you Ke$ha

Sounds like OP is tightly wound and could use some Xanax, Calllista. 8)

[Anonymous]

I can not read through all 10 pages on this and maybe this has been suggested (got to page 5) - I LOVE late night dessert parties with sweets (in this case birthday cake or differnt flavors of cupcakes or cake and something else like chocolate covered starwberries - easy to make) and champagne & dessert wine & port. The appetizer suggestion is all wrong, appetizers are specifically for BEFORE dinner but you can have a cheese plate at a dessert party to fill the savory need. It is a very fun type of party. People generally go out to dinner before hand then come to your "late night" party for dessert. Its actually perfect for this situation.

I have to agree though that you can not invite people to something if you are not covering all costs - in that case here is no host/ess. Also, while some people may do them, potlucks are NOT for birthday parties or any kind of gift giving/celebration type of party given be a family member- that is one of the worst party ideas I have heard in eons. A group of freinds having a potluck to fete the birthday girl/boy is one thing but a spouse doing this is just in really bad taste.

You do not have to break the bank to give a nice party.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of an evite, consider an email that says something like "A bunch of us will be getting together to celebrate Bob's birthday at Wah Mei on Thursday. Let me know if you can join us so I can figure out the reservation."

An evite looks like a party, which as others have said, is your financial responsibility.

OP here. Wow, I honestly had no idea this thread would turn out like this. I guess e-vite was the wrong vehicle to think about inviting people for this celebration. If I got an e-vite with the type of celebration I mentioned, I would automatically assume it's dutch, but I guess others would feel differently. I am 36, by the way, and have never been invited to a get-together such as this, so I have no idea. Good thing I posted this question here first before sending anything out! The only types of group things we've been invited to are either a non-dinner party (i.e. Superbowl party at someone's house) or a potluck dinner.

I thought it was a nice idea--meet up for dinner at a restaurant, and then have a small party back at our house. I don't really want to do a potluck dinner because we don't have enough table space/seating for everyone. People would have to sit on the floor to eat the dinner, so I figured meeting up at a restaurant was better.

Anyhow, I think what the person posted above may be what I go with. And then should I add the part about the house party with cake, drinks, and desserts?

Even more reason not to do this. The reason you've never been invited to a "dutch" birthday party like this is because polite people do not DO this. It's a major breach of social etiquette. MAJOR. Sounds like you have polite friends. Don't offend their sensibilities. Find something inclusive you can afford.

Thank you, PP and I hope that OP, et al, will read and profit thereby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can not read through all 10 pages on this and maybe this has been suggested (got to page 5) - I LOVE late night dessert parties with sweets (in this case birthday cake or differnt flavors of cupcakes or cake and something else like chocolate covered starwberries - easy to make) and champagne & dessert wine & port. The appetizer suggestion is all wrong, appetizers are specifically for BEFORE dinner but you can have a cheese plate at a dessert party to fill the savory need. It is a very fun type of party. People generally go out to dinner before hand then come to your "late night" party for dessert. Its actually perfect for this situation.

I have to agree though that you can not invite people to something if you are not covering all costs - in that case here is no host/ess. Also, while some people may do them, potlucks are NOT for birthday parties or any kind of gift giving/celebration type of party given be a family member- that is one of the worst party ideas I have heard in eons. A group of freinds having a potluck to fete the birthday girl/boy is one thing but a spouse doing this is just in really bad taste.

You do not have to break the bank to give a nice party.

But you may have to worry about allergic Myron. 8)

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't mean to offend you, but your posts indicate that you're not talking about very close or longtime friends ... why not just take your husband out for dinner? Neither I nor my husband had 40th birthday parties, some friends did, some didn't. If you can't afford to throw a party out somewhere, and you're not sounding terribly thrilled about having it at your house, then just celebrate yourselves. There's no law saying you have to make it a group event.

BTW, big parties aren't necessarily all they're cracked up to be. My brother's wife had a huge super pricey bash at a very nice NYC restaurant, people literally flew from Europe and half his high school friends came. The whole thing ended in disaster when he stayed out all night drinking and she threatened to divorce him. They survived, but I'm not holding my breath for a 50th party.

[Anonymous]

"OP, I don't mean to offend you, but your posts indicate that you're not talking about very close or longtime friends ... why not just take your husband out for dinner? Neither I nor my husband had 40th birthday parties, some friends did, some didn't. If you can't afford to throw a party out somewhere, and you're not sounding terribly thrilled about having it at your house, then just celebrate yourselves. There's no law saying you have to make it a group event. "


Ditto.

OP - did you grow up here? You seem to be socially clueless at age 36.

[Anonymous]

Word your evite like this:

"please join us for a smashing good time at our home at 9pm for dessert and drinks. " Then, as ppl reply YES to your evite, send them a personal email message about dinner...simply say that you are excited they are coming and that you'd like them to come to dinner if possible.

In my social circle, everyone knows they are going dutch...but, the hosting couple/person usually buys a round of drinks or a bunch of appetizers.

[Anonymous]

Eight pages. Gosh, good one, troll.

[Anonymous]

Haven't read any of the posts but have had this conversation before with DH and I think it is SO TACKY when people do this.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP: It looks like you have this whole thing justified in your head already that you can invite everyone to go dutch. I think the majority of us think this is a big no-no. You really need to scale the celebration to something that you can afford. Why not get pizza delivered at your house? If you can not afford it, then you really should not plan it. Otherwise, you are basically asking everyone else to foot the bill for your husband's party. If you are really intent on having the others foot the bill to a party that you should be hosting, perhaps you can have your sister invite everyone: "Let's all take Bob out for dinner at Benihanna's!!!". BTW, every 40th birthday party I have attended was hosted by the spouse/partner. Good Luck on this! You are going to need it!

[Anonymous]

I think a party of 6-8 new friends at your house is a bad idea. Party flop. Clearly you are not comfortable with this, so don't do it!! Either do a BDay brunch or the bowling idea. Fine you have a shoulder injury but it's not your BDay and it's not about YOU. That's a great cheap way to have a fun night. Entertaining at your home sounds like a big flop.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here- I had a friend invite me with her professional/snobby friends to this insanely expensive restaurant for her BDay. Wine was $18/glass... For house wine!! I ate a salad because that was all I could afford and had one glass of wine. Everyone else had foie gras, steak, lobster etc... They all drank 5-6 drinks each, while I sipped my wine and drank water. Then the bill comes, the BDay girl split it evenly among the 20 of us and we also paid for her meal/drinks.... $175 each including tip!!!!! This is one of my best friends and I've never gone to any of her parties ever again. Even when she doesn't make us pay for dinner, she has them at hipster lounges where drinks are $20 each... NO WAY!!