Feeling resentful after sacrificing for my DH’s career—how to restore balance?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

I have to give more info because people assume it has to do with childcare or that I’m some other poster who posted above moving. That’s not me and this has nothing to do with childcare.

So, I host a weekly event on Friday mornings from my home. It’s been ongoing most every Friday for years. Now all of a sudden my husband has a WFH option on Fridays. His workaround for me is to host Saturday, or later on Fridays, or from somewhere else, but that doesn’t work for the others, and I’m not interested in moving this to the weekend or somewhere else. He needs quiet, so my hosting is a conflict.

Someone asked what I would advise as a workaround, and that would be for HIM to WFH somewhere else on Fridays, but I can’t, because he’s the “breadwinner” and so his preference trumps mine.

But I was assured the house would be mine on Friday mornings. I was very clear in this, and he knew how important this was to me.

Yes, sorry op. I get your dh wanting to have a slower Friday when he doesn’t need to rush through the door and go to the office. But I also get it’s not something that you can or would even want to easily move. Is your house so small and your guests so noisy that there is no room he could just close the door and work in? How noisy is this mom gathering?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

This^^^

What a weird post. Why are you trying to shoe-horn your misogynistic anti-SAHM screed into OP's post. OP says she works.

DP. I don’t recall seeing where OP said she worked. But you understand that this post is about hosting a weekly meet up in your home every single Friday during morning working hours, right? Weird to mention her work.

You think people can't work and have every Friday morning off?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a guy who makes a lot more than my wife.

There is no reason in the world he cannot work from home on Friday and you still have your event. Even in an apartment- you seem seriously unhinged.

You are a guy who lacks imagination. Say it was a meetup for ten moms of little kids with ADHD. You can't work from home out of an apartment in that situation.

Its so fundamentally disrespectful of you OP that he is suggesting you change your event to suit his whims, when he knows it was your only condition to the job switch.

Interesting comment, because we had a very similar situation in our marriage. I had a bi monthly meetup for moms with other dc with SN and their siblings, at our house. DH wanted to WFH that day and suggested we regularly meet up at the park or starbucks instead.

The whole reason the meetup worked for the moms to actually socialize was because the kids -some runners--were safely contained behind locked doors at our house! The kicker was he had refused for years to take our dc to the park solo because he was difficult to manage there! Friends, I lost my sh!t during this convo.

HA HA HA. Of course. Great suggestion to take ten runners with autism to the local park so the moms can "relax" but the suggesting DH can't even handle his own kid.

DP. You say the poster lacks imagination. I say some of you love to make stuff up. Zero chance that OP’s “long-standing personal/health/wellbeing routine at home that keeps me grounded and brings me joy” is hosting 10 children with autism who are runners and their mothers. But I know it brings many of you joy to complain about unrelated circumstances on nearly every thread.

The woman is doing something closer to yoga or book club.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

This^^^

What a weird post. Why are you trying to shoe-horn your misogynistic anti-SAHM screed into OP's post. OP says she works.

DP. I don’t recall seeing where OP said she worked. But you understand that this post is about hosting a weekly meet up in your home every single Friday during morning working hours, right? Weird to mention her work.

You think people can't work and have every Friday morning off?

They are not working hard or contributing a lot of income to the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

This^^^

What a weird post. Why are you trying to shoe-horn your misogynistic anti-SAHM screed into OP's post. OP says she works.

DP. I don’t recall seeing where OP said she worked. But you understand that this post is about hosting a weekly meet up in your home every single Friday during morning working hours, right? Weird to mention her work.

You think people can't work and have every Friday morning off?

They are not working hard or contributing a lot of income to the family.

I would point out all the flaws in your statement, but frankly, you aren't worth the time. You sound a little.....slow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a guy who makes a lot more than my wife.

There is no reason in the world he cannot work from home on Friday and you still have your event. Even in an apartment- you seem seriously unhinged.

You are a guy who lacks imagination. Say it was a meetup for ten moms of little kids with ADHD. You can't work from home out of an apartment in that situation.

Its so fundamentally disrespectful of you OP that he is suggesting you change your event to suit his whims, when he knows it was your only condition to the job switch.

Interesting comment, because we had a very similar situation in our marriage. I had a bi monthly meetup for moms with other dc with SN and their siblings, at our house. DH wanted to WFH that day and suggested we regularly meet up at the park or starbucks instead.

The whole reason the meetup worked for the moms to actually socialize was because the kids -some runners--were safely contained behind locked doors at our house! The kicker was he had refused for years to take our dc to the park solo because he was difficult to manage there! Friends, I lost my sh!t during this convo.

HA HA HA. Of course. Great suggestion to take ten runners with autism to the local park so the moms can "relax" but the suggesting DH can't even handle his own kid.

DP. You say the poster lacks imagination. I say some of you love to make stuff up. Zero chance that OP’s “long-standing personal/health/wellbeing routine at home that keeps me grounded and brings me joy” is hosting 10 children with autism who are runners and their mothers. But I know it brings many of you joy to complain about unrelated circumstances on nearly every thread.

The woman is doing something closer to yoga or book club.

It doesn't matter what the meeting is or your opinion on the value of the meeting, she and her DH agreed it was important and should be protected when he took the job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

This^^^

What a weird post. Why are you trying to shoe-horn your misogynistic anti-SAHM screed into OP's post. OP says she works.

DP. I don’t recall seeing where OP said she worked. But you understand that this post is about hosting a weekly meet up in your home every single Friday during morning working hours, right? Weird to mention her work.

Good Lord learn to read. It’s the first sentence of her second paragraph in the very first post of this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a guy who makes a lot more than my wife.

There is no reason in the world he cannot work from home on Friday and you still have your event. Even in an apartment- you seem seriously unhinged.

You are a guy who lacks imagination. Say it was a meetup for ten moms of little kids with ADHD. You can't work from home out of an apartment in that situation.

Its so fundamentally disrespectful of you OP that he is suggesting you change your event to suit his whims, when he knows it was your only condition to the job switch.

Interesting comment, because we had a very similar situation in our marriage. I had a bi monthly meetup for moms with other dc with SN and their siblings, at our house. DH wanted to WFH that day and suggested we regularly meet up at the park or starbucks instead.

The whole reason the meetup worked for the moms to actually socialize was because the kids -some runners--were safely contained behind locked doors at our house! The kicker was he had refused for years to take our dc to the park solo because he was difficult to manage there! Friends, I lost my sh!t during this convo.

HA HA HA. Of course. Great suggestion to take ten runners with autism to the local park so the moms can "relax" but the suggesting DH can't even handle his own kid.

DP. You say the poster lacks imagination. I say some of you love to make stuff up. Zero chance that OP’s “long-standing personal/health/wellbeing routine at home that keeps me grounded and brings me joy” is hosting 10 children with autism who are runners and their mothers. But I know it brings many of you joy to complain about unrelated circumstances on nearly every thread.

The woman is doing something closer to yoga or book club.

It doesn't matter what the meeting is or your opinion on the value of the meeting, she and her DH agreed it was important and should be protected when he took the job.

I agreed that OP’s event takes priority, as did the poster who you (or others) referred to a guy who lacks imagination. That wasn’t enough, though, because you need to use every thread to complain about your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

This^^^

What a weird post. Why are you trying to shoe-horn your misogynistic anti-SAHM screed into OP's post. OP says she works.

DP. I don’t recall seeing where OP said she worked. But you understand that this post is about hosting a weekly meet up in your home every single Friday during morning working hours, right? Weird to mention her work.

You think people can't work and have every Friday morning off?

They are not working hard or contributing a lot of income to the family.

I would point out all the flaws in your statement, but frankly, you aren't worth the time. You sound a little.....slow.

She admits he is the breadwinner. You sound mean, must because you are defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

Wow. This isn’t what I have seen AT ALL.

Ehhh I've seen it..

I feel like the really bright, hardworking, likable young women end up working part time or taking a big step back after having children.
(No comment on anyone else).

Pregnancy, labor, postpartum, breastfeeding are biological reasons but patriarchal setting is the major reason.

It's easy to complain about something, but what is your actual solution. "It's the patriarchy" is not much more than a slogan, I'm sure you have more than this, and if not maybe just don't say it. This phenomenon, women stepping back, exists even the parts of our society that have incredibly progressive benefits, etc., and when leadership is aggressively trying to promote women professionally. (Think top tier investment banks, consultancies, etc.) I think what you're proposing must be a culture change. But you have to recognize that at least some part of this is coming from what women want, not what men are forcing them to do. Do you want them to want something else? And how do you get your head around the condescension implicit in that?

I don’t think that men think of themselves as “forcing” their wives to do anything. They are just doing what they need to do, and they don’t really think how it will affect their wives and children. They tell their wives to do “whatever makes them happy” in terms of working or staying at home. Meanwhile, a lot of men can’t predictably drop-off or pick up kids from school or daycare, can’t take off at the last minute or leave in the middle of the day for a sick child, can’t say “no” to whatever thing requires them to travel more or come in early or stay late, especially if it means extra money or getting in a good word with the boss, etc etc.

I think the culture shift is happening, but it’s slow. Essentially, men with children should be seen like women with children. And it should be assumed, by men and by their employer, that they will be doing 1/2 the childcare at home.

That culture shift has been in slow reverse for the last 10-15 years bc women have on average, but of course not always, stronger preferences to be at home than men do. In the face of that reality a 50/50 assumption seems somewhat paternalistic. Or maternalistic, should we say.

As far the weaponized incompetence stuff, that trope needs to die. Everybody does it, men and women, and both do it in a way that is consistent with enforcing gender roles.

I understand that some women prefer to be home. My experience is that those women tend to own it and appreciate that their husband works and allows them to stay home.

The women saying that they tried to lean into their career, but ended up having to settle for a job-type job, are usually telling the truth. And, IMO, their resentment about it is usually justified.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

This^^^

What a weird post. Why are you trying to shoe-horn your misogynistic anti-SAHM screed into OP's post. OP says she works.

DP. I don’t recall seeing where OP said she worked. But you understand that this post is about hosting a weekly meet up in your home every single Friday during morning working hours, right? Weird to mention her work.

You think people can't work and have every Friday morning off?

They are not working hard or contributing a lot of income to the family.

DP. I was the sole breadwinner in my family and had a Friday morning play date for years.
Mornings are a nice time to be home when you have little kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am a guy who makes a lot more than my wife.

There is no reason in the world he cannot work from home on Friday and you still have your event. Even in an apartment- you seem seriously unhinged.

You are a guy who lacks imagination. Say it was a meetup for ten moms of little kids with ADHD. You can't work from home out of an apartment in that situation.

Its so fundamentally disrespectful of you OP that he is suggesting you change your event to suit his whims, when he knows it was your only condition to the job switch.

Interesting comment, because we had a very similar situation in our marriage. I had a bi monthly meetup for moms with other dc with SN and their siblings, at our house. DH wanted to WFH that day and suggested we regularly meet up at the park or starbucks instead.

The whole reason the meetup worked for the moms to actually socialize was because the kids -some runners--were safely contained behind locked doors at our house! The kicker was he had refused for years to take our dc to the park solo because he was difficult to manage there! Friends, I lost my sh!t during this convo.

HA HA HA. Of course. Great suggestion to take ten runners with autism to the local park so the moms can "relax" but the suggesting DH can't even handle his own kid.

DP. You say the poster lacks imagination. I say some of you love to make stuff up. Zero chance that OP’s “long-standing personal/health/wellbeing routine at home that keeps me grounded and brings me joy” is hosting 10 children with autism who are runners and their mothers. But I know it brings many of you joy to complain about unrelated circumstances on nearly every thread.

The woman is doing something closer to yoga or book club.

I don’t know what’s going on, but I wouldn’t say there is zero chance. I can imagine that if you have a child with SN, meeting weekly with other women who have children with SNs could easily be essential to your personal health and wellbeing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

Wow. This isn’t what I have seen AT ALL.

Ehhh I've seen it..

I feel like the really bright, hardworking, likable young women end up working part time or taking a big step back after having children.
(No comment on anyone else).

Pregnancy, labor, postpartum, breastfeeding are biological reasons but patriarchal setting is the major reason.

It's easy to complain about something, but what is your actual solution. "It's the patriarchy" is not much more than a slogan, I'm sure you have more than this, and if not maybe just don't say it. This phenomenon, women stepping back, exists even the parts of our society that have incredibly progressive benefits, etc., and when leadership is aggressively trying to promote women professionally. (Think top tier investment banks, consultancies, etc.) I think what you're proposing must be a culture change. But you have to recognize that at least some part of this is coming from what women want, not what men are forcing them to do. Do you want them to want something else? And how do you get your head around the condescension implicit in that?

I don’t think that men think of themselves as “forcing” their wives to do anything. They are just doing what they need to do, and they don’t really think how it will affect their wives and children. They tell their wives to do “whatever makes them happy” in terms of working or staying at home. Meanwhile, a lot of men can’t predictably drop-off or pick up kids from school or daycare, can’t take off at the last minute or leave in the middle of the day for a sick child, can’t say “no” to whatever thing requires them to travel more or come in early or stay late, especially if it means extra money or getting in a good word with the boss, etc etc.

I think the culture shift is happening, but it’s slow. Essentially, men with children should be seen like women with children. And it should be assumed, by men and by their employer, that they will be doing 1/2 the childcare at home.

That culture shift has been in slow reverse for the last 10-15 years bc women have on average, but of course not always, stronger preferences to be at home than men do. In the face of that reality a 50/50 assumption seems somewhat paternalistic. Or maternalistic, should we say.

As far the weaponized incompetence stuff, that trope needs to die. Everybody does it, men and women, and both do it in a way that is consistent with enforcing gender roles.

I understand that some women prefer to be home. My experience is that those women tend to own it and appreciate that their husband works and allows them to stay home.

The women saying that they tried to lean into their career, but ended up having to settle for a job-type job, are usually telling the truth. And, IMO, their resentment about it is usually justified.

This post is SO mysogynistic.

[Anonymous]

it doesn't matter at all what the activity is--she and her DH both agreed that a condition of him taking the new job was that "The Activity" wouldn't be disturbed or disrupted. He's trying to renege because he thinks his wants are more important than their bargain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having seen a lot of women step out of careers, my observations are:

- almost all were very happy to step out. They either did not have a career of which to speak. Or they were on the very early years of their careers before things escalated.

- But, to hold the moral upper hand, they all like to claim that they had 'big' careers AND they like to claim that leaving their career was not motivated by their own desires, and that it involved a lot of 'sacrifices.

- and they all seem to enjoy a lot of the perks of their hard working, high earning husbands.

So it seem bonkers to then turn around and complain and act like you aren't quite happy not working.

Wow. This isn’t what I have seen AT ALL.

Ehhh I've seen it..

I feel like the really bright, hardworking, likable young women end up working part time or taking a big step back after having children.
(No comment on anyone else).

Pregnancy, labor, postpartum, breastfeeding are biological reasons but patriarchal setting is the major reason.

It's easy to complain about something, but what is your actual solution. "It's the patriarchy" is not much more than a slogan, I'm sure you have more than this, and if not maybe just don't say it. This phenomenon, women stepping back, exists even the parts of our society that have incredibly progressive benefits, etc., and when leadership is aggressively trying to promote women professionally. (Think top tier investment banks, consultancies, etc.) I think what you're proposing must be a culture change. But you have to recognize that at least some part of this is coming from what women want, not what men are forcing them to do. Do you want them to want something else? And how do you get your head around the condescension implicit in that?

I don’t think that men think of themselves as “forcing” their wives to do anything. They are just doing what they need to do, and they don’t really think how it will affect their wives and children. They tell their wives to do “whatever makes them happy” in terms of working or staying at home. Meanwhile, a lot of men can’t predictably drop-off or pick up kids from school or daycare, can’t take off at the last minute or leave in the middle of the day for a sick child, can’t say “no” to whatever thing requires them to travel more or come in early or stay late, especially if it means extra money or getting in a good word with the boss, etc etc.

I think the culture shift is happening, but it’s slow. Essentially, men with children should be seen like women with children. And it should be assumed, by men and by their employer, that they will be doing 1/2 the childcare at home.

That culture shift has been in slow reverse for the last 10-15 years bc women have on average, but of course not always, stronger preferences to be at home than men do. In the face of that reality a 50/50 assumption seems somewhat paternalistic. Or maternalistic, should we say.

As far the weaponized incompetence stuff, that trope needs to die. Everybody does it, men and women, and both do it in a way that is consistent with enforcing gender roles.

I understand that some women prefer to be home. My experience is that those women tend to own it and appreciate that their husband works and allows them to stay home.

The women saying that they tried to lean into their career, but ended up having to settle for a job-type job, are usually telling the truth. And, IMO, their resentment about it is usually justified.

This post is SO mysogynistic.

Care to expand?