Child is severely left out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The quiet part no one says is that all the “popular” kids are first and foremost worried about themselves and maintaining their own status. They only keep “friends” that they feel in the moment can aid that status. They are not true or loyal friends because they will drop you the moment you are no longer useful, or worse, a detriment to them.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the others that this is classic bullying behavior. But don’t discount the schools ability to help here!

Have you tried to maybe reach out to the guidance counselor? Could you maybe ask them to arrange a restorative justice intervention here ? (I know they’re trained and equipped for this).

OP here: I was going to talk to the counselor, but DD is worried that everyone would “hate her” for telling on them, and people would spread rumors. (This happened to another girl at the school last year, DD didn’t know her, but she ended up leaving and transferring out because it got really bad after telling the counselor.)

She's probably right. Counselors aren't equipped to handle situations like this because it's too nebulous and too prone to false rumors being spread. Nobody is ever going to want to admit that they were a jerk and without a clear cut rule violation there is nothing the school can do.

Agree with this. OP, your DD is likely correct that going to the counselor will make things worse for her -- unless it's just for her to talk to the counselor and get strategies for dealing with this and the counselor doesn't say anything to these other girls. But going to a counselor is not going to get your daughter included in their activities. I would be very cautious about taking this approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the others that this is classic bullying behavior. But don’t discount the schools ability to help here!

Have you tried to maybe reach out to the guidance counselor? Could you maybe ask them to arrange a restorative justice intervention here ? (I know they’re trained and equipped for this).

OP here: I was going to talk to the counselor, but DD is worried that everyone would “hate her” for telling on them, and people would spread rumors. (This happened to another girl at the school last year, DD didn’t know her, but she ended up leaving and transferring out because it got really bad after telling the counselor.)

She's probably right. Counselors aren't equipped to handle situations like this because it's too nebulous and too prone to false rumors being spread. Nobody is ever going to want to admit that they were a jerk and without a clear cut rule violation there is nothing the school can do.

Agree with this. OP, your DD is likely correct that going to the counselor will make things worse for her -- unless it's just for her to talk to the counselor and get strategies for dealing with this and the counselor doesn't say anything to these other girls. But going to a counselor is not going to get your daughter included in their activities. I would be very cautious about taking this approach.

But aren’t counselors highly trained in how to deal with bullying? Never hurts to talk with someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the others that this is classic bullying behavior. But don’t discount the schools ability to help here!

Have you tried to maybe reach out to the guidance counselor? Could you maybe ask them to arrange a restorative justice intervention here ? (I know they’re trained and equipped for this).

OP here: I was going to talk to the counselor, but DD is worried that everyone would “hate her” for telling on them, and people would spread rumors. (This happened to another girl at the school last year, DD didn’t know her, but she ended up leaving and transferring out because it got really bad after telling the counselor.)

She's probably right. Counselors aren't equipped to handle situations like this because it's too nebulous and too prone to false rumors being spread. Nobody is ever going to want to admit that they were a jerk and without a clear cut rule violation there is nothing the school can do.

Agree with this. OP, your DD is likely correct that going to the counselor will make things worse for her -- unless it's just for her to talk to the counselor and get strategies for dealing with this and the counselor doesn't say anything to these other girls. But going to a counselor is not going to get your daughter included in their activities. I would be very cautious about taking this approach.

But aren’t counselors highly trained in how to deal with bullying? Never hurts to talk with someone.

I mean, as long as she doesn't expect it to solve the issue with the other girls. Getting advice is never a bad thing. If they want to exclude her, though, they will do so and going to a counselor will just make it worse if they find out about it. These girls have already proven they are not nice and not inclusive.

If they spreading rumors and saying nasty things on social media my answer would be different - that's definitely going to the school administration and counselor. I didn't read that they are doing that, but perhaps I missed it. Exclusion is a different beast - you can't force people to include others beyond a certain age.

[Anonymous]

Hello, i’ve gone through all the things you all have said to me. I’ve tried doing all of them, but things have only gotten worse. DD has tried making new friends, but her fake ones always look at her, laugh at her, and during class literally bully her, shove her out of the way, and tell her to “shut up.” Something that really breaks me is my DD has started doing self-harm (scratching herself until she bleeds) and is really stressed about her relationships along with grades as she’s been getting 60-70 on her tests recently. She has no motivation, and stays in her room all day no matter how hard we try making things fun or getting her out of her room. Is it time to email the counselor? Would that make things worse or better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello, i’ve gone through all the things you all have said to me. I’ve tried doing all of them, but things have only gotten worse. DD has tried making new friends, but her fake ones always look at her, laugh at her, and during class literally bully her, shove her out of the way, and tell her to “shut up.” Something that really breaks me is my DD has started doing self-harm (scratching herself until she bleeds) and is really stressed about her relationships along with grades as she’s been getting 60-70 on her tests recently. She has no motivation, and stays in her room all day no matter how hard we try making things fun or getting her out of her room. Is it time to email the counselor? Would that make things worse or better?

Troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello, i’ve gone through all the things you all have said to me. I’ve tried doing all of them, but things have only gotten worse. DD has tried making new friends, but her fake ones always look at her, laugh at her, and during class literally bully her, shove her out of the way, and tell her to “shut up.” Something that really breaks me is my DD has started doing self-harm (scratching herself until she bleeds) and is really stressed about her relationships along with grades as she’s been getting 60-70 on her tests recently. She has no motivation, and stays in her room all day no matter how hard we try making things fun or getting her out of her room. Is it time to email the counselor? Would that make things worse or better?

Troll.

Not a troll… just did not want to make a new post about this when the topic is already here? Im saying things have got worse and I do not know what to do.

[Anonymous]

My daughter went through something very similar when at intersection of 6th grade to 7 th grade and shattered her self esteem. The mean girl tried to exclude another girl, my DD stood up to her and she was excluded instead. The rest would not stand up to her. So, new friend group is needed. Think about changing schools. Think about getting her into counseling to help her learn how to navigate the difficult years of middle school. My daughter took up boxing classes for awhile and think that was helpful for her self esteem and to handle the big feelings that needed an outlet. She joined a girl scout troop based at another school- which helped too. She found a good friend at a sleep away camp based on a specific interest of hers that she still has as a closest friend years and years later. It is so hard to watch as a parent, but the more she can do to get out there by finding friends either outside the school or inside if it is a large school. Strongly suggest seeing if there is a high switch that will help for 9th grade. Changing schools lets her get a fresh start.

[Anonymous]

I strongly agree with the previous post--this happened to my daughter in middle school and it was HORRIFIC. The school counselor did help my daughter (the other girl refused to meet with the counselor, and the counselor said they couldn't force her). But the counselor helped my daughter by steering her to different activities--choir, a film club. We did change schools in high school and that was saved my daughter. Good luck, OP. The mean girl cruelty is real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello, i’ve gone through all the things you all have said to me. I’ve tried doing all of them, but things have only gotten worse. DD has tried making new friends, but her fake ones always look at her, laugh at her, and during class literally bully her, shove her out of the way, and tell her to “shut up.” Something that really breaks me is my DD has started doing self-harm (scratching herself until she bleeds) and is really stressed about her relationships along with grades as she’s been getting 60-70 on her tests recently. She has no motivation, and stays in her room all day no matter how hard we try making things fun or getting her out of her room. Is it time to email the counselor? Would that make things worse or better?

Troll.

Not a troll… just did not want to make a new post about this when the topic is already here? Im saying things have got worse and I do not know what to do.

She needs to insult them back to regain her agency, develop self-respect and change the narrative about her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter went through something very similar when at intersection of 6th grade to 7 th grade and shattered her self esteem. The mean girl tried to exclude another girl, my DD stood up to her and she was excluded instead. The rest would not stand up to her. So, new friend group is needed. Think about changing schools. Think about getting her into counseling to help her learn how to navigate the difficult years of middle school. My daughter took up boxing classes for awhile and think that was helpful for her self esteem and to handle the big feelings that needed an outlet. She joined a girl scout troop based at another school- which helped too. She found a good friend at a sleep away camp based on a specific interest of hers that she still has as a closest friend years and years later. It is so hard to watch as a parent, but the more she can do to get out there by finding friends either outside the school or inside if it is a large school. Strongly suggest seeing if there is a high switch that will help for 9th grade. Changing schools lets her get a fresh start.

My DD went through all of this as well. Standing up for herself didn't work. Trading insults didn't work, the insults just escalated and got more cruel. We changed schools. She has so many friends now, looks forward to school, and none of this toxic BS happens any more. Some schools just allow these situations to fester and some just have a bunch of bad eggs that can't be fixed. Changing schools isn't a bad idea if you can. Every kid deserves a clean slate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hello, i’ve gone through all the things you all have said to me. I’ve tried doing all of them, but things have only gotten worse. DD has tried making new friends, but her fake ones always look at her, laugh at her, and during class literally bully her, shove her out of the way, and tell her to “shut up.” Something that really breaks me is my DD has started doing self-harm (scratching herself until she bleeds) and is really stressed about her relationships along with grades as she’s been getting 60-70 on her tests recently. She has no motivation, and stays in her room all day no matter how hard we try making things fun or getting her out of her room. Is it time to email the counselor? Would that make things worse or better?

I am so sorry your DD is having to deal with this. Our DD had the same issue and the same response. Therapy and counseling worked to help them navigate a really awful situation. In our case it was not a one-off group of mean girls, over the years, multiple situations occurred where people were difficult and exhibited this kind of exclusive behavior. Tweens and teens need advice on how to deal with this over the long term not just middle school. Therapy and counseling support is important so they do not internalize it and think something is wrong with them -- which it is not. It is also good to find therapists and counselors who specialize in helping with tween and teen issues and self harm. I will also add that I am perplexed by how we are in a society where many people seem to feel the "mean girl" behavior cannot be stopped -- i.e. the meanness itself cannot be addressed -- and the kids being bullied have to find their own solutions. It sets a low bar for all of us in terms of what we expect as socially acceptable behavior. I see this as a wide spread problem, and it makes me sad that we are not able to stop it where it starts, rather than constantly running crisis management for the kids who are being picked on. A spark of light I can share is that the kids who are picked on, if they get help navigating it and standing up for themselves, they become tougher and more confident in the long run, as THEY become capable of finding the solutions WITHIN themselves--queen bees can only feel good about themselves if the behavior of others is being manipulated to make them look good. UGH.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry OP. These girls probably have self esteem issues themselves and are excluding your daughter to make themselves feel better. It makes them feel good to have the power to exclude someone. It sucks for your daughter, but let her know she is not alone, it happens to a lot of kids. I am really hoping your DD can find new genuine friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello, i’ve gone through all the things you all have said to me. I’ve tried doing all of them, but things have only gotten worse. DD has tried making new friends, but her fake ones always look at her, laugh at her, and during class literally bully her, shove her out of the way, and tell her to “shut up.” Something that really breaks me is my DD has started doing self-harm (scratching herself until she bleeds) and is really stressed about her relationships along with grades as she’s been getting 60-70 on her tests recently. She has no motivation, and stays in her room all day no matter how hard we try making things fun or getting her out of her room. Is it time to email the counselor? Would that make things worse or better?

I am so sorry your DD is having to deal with this. Our DD had the same issue and the same response. Therapy and counseling worked to help them navigate a really awful situation. In our case it was not a one-off group of mean girls, over the years, multiple situations occurred where people were difficult and exhibited this kind of exclusive behavior. Tweens and teens need advice on how to deal with this over the long term not just middle school. Therapy and counseling support is important so they do not internalize it and think something is wrong with them -- which it is not. It is also good to find therapists and counselors who specialize in helping with tween and teen issues and self harm. I will also add that I am perplexed by how we are in a society where many people seem to feel the "mean girl" behavior cannot be stopped -- i.e. the meanness itself cannot be addressed -- and the kids being bullied have to find their own solutions. It sets a low bar for all of us in terms of what we expect as socially acceptable behavior. I see this as a wide spread problem, and it makes me sad that we are not able to stop it where it starts, rather than constantly running crisis management for the kids who are being picked on. A spark of light I can share is that the kids who are picked on, if they get help navigating it and standing up for themselves, they become tougher and more confident in the long run, as THEY become capable of finding the solutions WITHIN themselves--queen bees can only feel good about themselves if the behavior of others is being manipulated to make them look good. UGH.

+1. It’s sooo common at this age, and it’s really sad how common this experience is. People handle it in different ways, and for some it can stay through life if they don’t find a way to get their self esteem back and running. Let your daughter know this is a normal part of development. You should definitely put her in counseling to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hello, i’ve gone through all the things you all have said to me. I’ve tried doing all of them, but things have only gotten worse. DD has tried making new friends, but her fake ones always look at her, laugh at her, and during class literally bully her, shove her out of the way, and tell her to “shut up.” Something that really breaks me is my DD has started doing self-harm (scratching herself until she bleeds) and is really stressed about her relationships along with grades as she’s been getting 60-70 on her tests recently. She has no motivation, and stays in her room all day no matter how hard we try making things fun or getting her out of her room. Is it time to email the counselor? Would that make things worse or better?

Troll.

Not a troll… just did not want to make a new post about this when the topic is already here? Im saying things have got worse and I do not know what to do.

She needs to insult them back to regain her agency, develop self-respect and change the narrative about her.

+1000