Another Thanksgiving Vent - Makeshift Family

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would do TG dinner with ILs and then head to the party house for the rest of the weekend.

Why be miserable for six hours? Send husband to see his family and he can join you and kids later.

Why does OP get to decide for the kids?

Because kids don't like the grandparents either.

Do you let your kids hang out with their friends on major holidays if they would rather do that? Or do you make the plans?

OP and dh already decided together months ago. The kids are excited about the trip with friends. Why should they be robbed of that just because adults are pitching a fit and their dad has no backbone?

Because it sounds like a concept of a plan. OP didn’t mention losing a deposit and keeps changing her description of the in-laws.

OP sounds like a petulant teenager stomping her feet that she wants to hang out with her friends on Thanksgiving and mean old mom is making her go to boring Grandma's.

[Anonymous]

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They are aloof, standoffish, and just cold ... I want holidays without them. I am willing to sacrifice my marriage not to see or hear from these people

OP, you are really sounding like a terrible person. You do not need to be a terrible person, or portray them as terrible people, just because you have a preference to not spend holidays with them.

You are entitled to a preference. You are unwise though to disparage those who raised the wonderful man you decided was worthy of marrying. And a man you decided was loving enough to be the father of your children. And who, most certainly, has love for his parents.

My husband is a great man DESPITE what his parents did to him while raising him. He is nothing like them, and nothing like his sister. He survived and thrived and broke the cycle of abuse. So no, he doesn't have any lost love for the people who continue to try to bring him down, and I can disparage them all I want. They've been given multiple chances and continue their abuse, including directed at their own grandkids (which was the final straw).

Oh sure. They went from cool and aloof to abusers. A likely story.

Blame the victim . . .

If I'm trying to justify why I want to get out of something I lead with the most offensive reason. If they are axe murderers I don't just say they are a little dull and I'd rather see my friends instead. It's weird to come back and clarify by boring and cold she actually means violent and horrific abusers.

+1. OP really took the mask off here!

You don’t have to be abusive. They are not good people. Doesn’t mean they hit their kids. But you keep sucking up to people who make you feel miserable. I’m done with that. If DH wants to be the nice guy, he can go without us. We will have a good time this Thanksgiving.

What do you mean when you say they are not good people? Can you give a few specific examples?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:pp again. But Op, you have some obligations to your DH's family. It doesn't need to be the holidays but your obligation is to be pleasant.

OP does not. Did you see the update about the history of abuse?
No obligations whatsoever.

You.... believed that?

I ... believe as much as you do on an internet thread full of anonymous people. Do you .... understand?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:pp again. But Op, you have some obligations to your DH's family. It doesn't need to be the holidays but your obligation is to be pleasant.

OP does not. Did you see the update about the history of abuse?
No obligations whatsoever.

You.... believed that?

I ... believe as much as you do on an internet thread full of anonymous people. Do you .... understand?

I don't believe OP suddenly remembered that actually they are abusive and that's why she doesn't like them, but then seemed to walk it back. OP hasn't bothered to come back probably because she didn't like the responses telling her she's the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do TG dinner with ILs and then head to the party house for the rest of the weekend.

Why be miserable for six hours? Send husband to see his family and he can join you and kids later.

Why does OP get to decide for the kids?

Because kids don't like the grandparents either.

Do you let your kids hang out with their friends on major holidays if they would rather do that? Or do you make the plans?

OP and dh already decided together months ago. The kids are excited about the trip with friends. Why should they be robbed of that just because adults are pitching a fit and their dad has no backbone?

Because marriage is about compromise. Not just "you do you". Are you married?

What are you even talking about? OP and dh made a joint decision. Now dh wants to back out of it so he doesn’t get guilt trips from his mom and dad. He’s not proposing a compromise. He would rather have his wife mad at him than his parents. Why would he rather piss off the person he actually lives with? The answer is pretty obvious: if he has to piss off somebody, he’s going to make it the person/people who will make him less miserable as a result. That’s OP. That tells you a lot about his parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do TG dinner with ILs and then head to the party house for the rest of the weekend.

Why be miserable for six hours? Send husband to see his family and he can join you and kids later.

Why does OP get to decide for the kids?

Because kids don't like the grandparents either.

Do you let your kids hang out with their friends on major holidays if they would rather do that? Or do you make the plans?

OP and dh already decided together months ago. The kids are excited about the trip with friends. Why should they be robbed of that just because adults are pitching a fit and their dad has no backbone?

Because marriage is about compromise. Not just "you do you". Are you married?

What are you even talking about? OP and dh made a joint decision. Now dh wants to back out of it so he doesn’t get guilt trips from his mom and dad. He’s not proposing a compromise. He would rather have his wife mad at him than his parents. Why would he rather piss off the person he actually lives with? The answer is pretty obvious: if he has to piss off somebody, he’s going to make it the person/people who will make him less miserable as a result. That’s OP. That tells you a lot about his parents.

You seem to be taking this all very personally. Multiple people have suggested compromises in here already.

[Anonymous]

I like to think that for every post like this there are 1000 perfectly normal DCUM readers who are just fine with their families and in laws and don’t act or think like OP. It’s really sad going through life that way.

Six unrelated people getting together without their own families for TG is just plain sad. And yes it’s weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP- Read before responding. She already explained that her kids call the friend Aunt Whatever in front of the ILs. OP isn't the one telling the ILs about this.

She’s not their aunt. It’s weird to call her that. My kids don’t even call their real aunts Aunt Whatever. They just call them by their names.

[Anonymous]

Sounds lovely!! I don’t think holidays should be set in stone. Your in-laws have gotten used to you not having a family and they don’t need to share. It’s selfish of them. It’s only one year. I’d propose only going every other year to them in the future.

[Anonymous]

All young married couples need to start out with their holiday boundaries and plans. There is no reason a couple with young children should have to schlep their children around to different sets of grandparents every Thanksgiving and Christmas even if they live next door.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All young married couples need to start out with their holiday boundaries and plans. There is no reason a couple with young children should have to schlep their children around to different sets of grandparents every Thanksgiving and Christmas even if they live next door.

Schlep your kids next door is hardly a massive inconvenience. In fact it's perfect. Show up at someone else's house, eat the food and leave. The prepping, cooking, cleaning, and shopping are all left to someone else, for the most part. Hosting is a drag, be thankful you have somewhere to go, or else you get to do all the work having people invade your house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All young married couples need to start out with their holiday boundaries and plans. There is no reason a couple with young children should have to schlep their children around to different sets of grandparents every Thanksgiving and Christmas even if they live next door.

This X1000. We have plenty of pushy older extended relatives. The BEST decision we ever made was that no one outside our nuclear family owns our time. We refused to set up and back and forth, spend holidays where we didn’t want to be or give up precious PTO and time with the kids to appease any manipulative pouter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not get along with DH family. They are aloof, standoffish, and just cold. But they are all about the holidays at the same time, because they want to seem like everyone else. I dread holidays with them. I do not come from a large family but I have a close circle of friends who've been like family to me, we enjoy each other, we vacationed several times together, and everyone loved it, especially all our kids. My own children call them all Aunts and Uncles much to ILs chagrin. My SILs and BILs are cold towards the kids, including their own.

This year one of my friends proposed renting a large house and all of us, 6 families, 20+ people, getting in, having fun. We told ILs we won't join them this year and all hell broke loose. The shaming, the angry message I can see DH leaning towards "keeping the peace." I told him he will go on his own then.

I want holidays without them. I am willing to sacrifice my marriage not to see or hear from these people.

The OP has way bigger issues than Thanksgiving dinner.

+1. I’d never sacrifice my marriage and break up my family over a holiday.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess, OP. You discovered that they were “aloof, standoffish and cold” after you:

1) Tried to gossip with them or in their vicinity
2) Asked personal questions without getting to know them first
3) Blabbed about personal information you did hear from them
4) Saw that they weren’t really comfortable discussing your IUD insertion or some other personal detail

My ILs are gossipy and intrusive and spread gossip and speculation. They probably would describe me as “aloof and standoffish” because I am…with them.

I save my true, open, warm self for trustworthy, safe people.

[Anonymous]

I think the op should spend Thanksgiving with her friends with no guilt. The husband and kids however shoukd probably keep tradition. Op doesn't seem to have strong family ties.