Do you think it's okay to criticize the behavior of a kid who is not yours?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DP

We have two little a$$holes like this in our 4th grade. This is 4th and last child and I'm done dancing around other people's feelings - if you raised an a$$hole, maybe you deverve to be gossiped about. When people ask I tell them Larla's having a hard time because Meanie and Jerkface voted her off her own game and the week before they told her that only blonde girls are pretty and the week before they told her she was too short to be considered athletic. All this despite my kid actually being pretty, smart, kind and athletic. Yeah, I'm so over it.

OP, you're fine. There are other parents, like me, out there.

See, this isn't calling the kid an a**hole though. This is citing specific examples. I think this is fine and would bring it up, as appropriate, to a wider audience than I would the a**hole comment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DP

We have two little a$$holes like this in our 4th grade. This is 4th and last child and I'm done dancing around other people's feelings - if you raised an a$$hole, maybe you deverve to be gossiped about. When people ask I tell them Larla's having a hard time because Meanie and Jerkface voted her off her own game and the week before they told her that only blonde girls are pretty and the week before they told her she was too short to be considered athletic. All this despite my kid actually being pretty, smart, kind and athletic. Yeah, I'm so over it.

OP, you're fine. There are other parents, like me, out there.

And y’all are a group of nasty women ironically doing the same thing you are accusing literal children of doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I see the "blame the victim" crowd has entered the chat .

She’s not a victim. and it’s fine to have a narrative in your head that your Larla is an angel beset by *ssholes, but other people won’t believe it. Especially once it’s clear that it’s a pattern repeated with different kids, and somehow Larla is always the injured party and the other child is an *sshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It’s alarming how many people here will side with bullying a kid. However, it proves that insecurities like this child’s are hard to overcome! Be better, everyone!

No one is bullying a kid FFS. She was talking to another adult and the kid in question will never know about it.

You're fine with getting called an ***hole by other people if you never get to know about it?

Yeah, I don't think you are, hypocrite.

Why would I care? I would prefer that someone call me that to my face if I'm being an a**hole but I couldn't care less.

+1, I'm sure people have called me names behind my back before and I don't really have an issue with it. What other people think of me is none of my business.

Lies. You do care. You would not want any parent calling your kid an ***hole, even if none of you knew about it. Stop trolling on DCUM. I bet you made up this thread solely to argue about this.

First of all, sometimes my kid *is* being an ***hole. And while it doesn't bring me pleasure to think that others might be thinking that or saying it out loud behind my back, it doesn't make me upset with them. In those instances, I am focused on correcting my child's problematic behavior.

It's crazy to me that people seem to think the worst possible thing that can happen here is that someone calls your kid a mean name in a private conversation you never hear about.

Obviously the bigger issue is that your kid behaves in a way that makes people (even just in their heads) think "wow, what an ***hole."

Fix the behavior, and what people think about your kid won't matter so much to you anymore. You're feeling defensive because you know your kid sometimes acts like this and you'd rather try to stop other people from observing and commenting on it than do the hard work of parenting to address it.

+1000

I can't be friends with someone who doesn't think their own kid is sometimes an a**hole. All kids are sometimes. I know a mom who thinks her kid can do no wrong and that kid is the biggest a**hole out there. Interesting how that works.

This is irrelevant. Calling your own kid’s behavior out is your job, it’s done out of your commitment and responsibility to raising them, and it’s done in their best interests. It’s done with a belief they are capable of being better. That’s completely different than the attitude of calling a kid a name just to be mean spirited, and with no acknowledgment for that kid’s humanity.

Oh please, how was OP being mean spirited? She was talking to her friend about how she felt. You know, as people with friends do. She didn't say it to the kid. She didn't say it to a group of people. She didn't say it hoping it would get back to the kid or the parent. So just stop. You're ridiculous.

I mean, feel free to tell anyone how you feel. The consequence is that people will form judgments from it (such as, it is unhinged to call a 10 year old an *sshole)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see the "blame the victim" crowd has entered the chat .

She’s not a victim. and it’s fine to have a narrative in your head that your Larla is an angel beset by *ssholes, but other people won’t believe it. Especially once it’s clear that it’s a pattern repeated with different kids, and somehow Larla is always the injured party and the other child is an *sshole.

And now the projecting and making up a whole bunch of stuff that wasn't in the OP crowd has entered the chat as well. Fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your friend was right to check you.

This isn’t friendly behavior. If I can’t speak my mind with a friend…

[Anonymous]

This kid and so many others are a#*holes.

Former public school staffer. Sorry, not sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:It’s so insane to even be venting about someone else’s kid to another parent, let alone calling the kid an a**hole.

This. I have a friend who does this and it is really weird. But they have a negative take on many people and get really, really easily offended. I just ignore it and assume that the kid is totally normal.

OP wasn't venting about this kid in the abstract. She was venting about how this kid is treating her DD. Do keep up!

But she is exaggerating, focusing on the negative, and sounds like she’s encouraging her own child to take any interpersonal difficulty as a major slight.

It’s called black & white thinking or splitting, and it’s uncomfortable to hear from anyone - much less an adult talking about a *child.* I wouldn’t want to be around a person like that.

Moreover, if you savage a child to another adult, then you need to be prepared for people to judge you. You are perfectly free to vent but when you vent about a literally child and call them names - yeah, you are going to get responses to that.

It’s one thing to talk about actual bullying behavior (which OP did not describe) and quite another to appear negatively fixated on what sounds like relatively normal ranges of behavior.

This is a weird take (the "exaggerating" and "black and white" thinking, etc.) on the OP. The OP refreshingly and candidly acknowledged that the girl wasn't bullying. (I say refreshingly bc I feel like I'm surrounded by unhinged black-and-white-thinking parents who label every slight on their child "bullying" and lodge complaints to the school.) Her description of what is happening was thoughtful, IMO.

And what OP describes is not "relatively normal" for a 4th grader. Are you not particularly involved at your kids' school or activities? Do you not have opportunities to see groups of ten year olds hang out and interact? They say and do mean and and unkind things, they hurt feelings, they brag -- of course. But a 10 yr old who is incessantly and consistently mean and taunting to any and everyone and seems to get her jollies from the negative responses it provokes is not the norm at this age at all. There is usually one or two kids like this per grade -- and they majorly stick out at this age! And perfectly nice and normal parents do talk about them bc it is negatively affecting their own kids -- not to gossip.

I hope OP is giving her DD tools to try not to be affected by this girl. But her DD is a "literal child", and dealing with folks like this is hard even for adults. So kindly forgive her "literal child" for having days where she comes home sad or demoralized.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see the "blame the victim" crowd has entered the chat .

She’s not a victim. and it’s fine to have a narrative in your head that your Larla is an angel beset by *ssholes, but other people won’t believe it. Especially once it’s clear that it’s a pattern repeated with different kids, and somehow Larla is always the injured party and the other child is an *sshole.

And now the projecting and making up a whole bunch of stuff that wasn't in the OP crowd has entered the chat as well. Fun!

I read the OP. None of what she describes rises to the level of calling a child an “*shol.” It could equally be OP’s child is an over sensitive whiner. Most kids don’t come home every day saying “Larla bragged about winning!” It’s not normal to be fixated like that, and also not normal for a parent to have an equal fixation and encourage it in their own child. It’s weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so insane to even be venting about someone else’s kid to another parent, let alone calling the kid an a**hole.

This. I have a friend who does this and it is really weird. But they have a negative take on many people and get really, really easily offended. I just ignore it and assume that the kid is totally normal.

OP wasn't venting about this kid in the abstract. She was venting about how this kid is treating her DD. Do keep up!

But she is exaggerating, focusing on the negative, and sounds like she’s encouraging her own child to take any interpersonal difficulty as a major slight.

It’s called black & white thinking or splitting, and it’s uncomfortable to hear from anyone - much less an adult talking about a *child.* I wouldn’t want to be around a person like that.

Moreover, if you savage a child to another adult, then you need to be prepared for people to judge you. You are perfectly free to vent but when you vent about a literally child and call them names - yeah, you are going to get responses to that.

It’s one thing to talk about actual bullying behavior (which OP did not describe) and quite another to appear negatively fixated on what sounds like relatively normal ranges of behavior.

This is a weird take (the "exaggerating" and "black and white" thinking, etc.) on the OP. The OP refreshingly and candidly acknowledged that the girl wasn't bullying. (I say refreshingly bc I feel like I'm surrounded by unhinged black-and-white-thinking parents who label every slight on their child "bullying" and lodge complaints to the school.) Her description of what is happening was thoughtful, IMO.

And what OP describes is not "relatively normal" for a 4th grader. Are you not particularly involved at your kids' school or activities? Do you not have opportunities to see groups of ten year olds hang out and interact? They say and do mean and and unkind things, they hurt feelings, they brag -- of course. But a 10 yr old who is incessantly and consistently mean and taunting to any and everyone and seems to get her jollies from the negative responses it provokes is not the norm at this age at all. There is usually one or two kids like this per grade -- and they majorly stick out at this age! And perfectly nice and normal parents do talk about them bc it is negatively affecting their own kids -- not to gossip.

I hope OP is giving her DD tools to try not to be affected by this girl. But her DD is a "literal child", and dealing with folks like this is hard even for adults. So kindly forgive her "literal child" for having days where she comes home sad or demoralized.

again - it is very weird for a parent to develop a narrative that another child is “constantly taunting” etc based on the reports of another child. Most kids are more resilient than to come home defeated because another child bragged. It’s OK that OP’s child is not - but the weird part is OP’s weaving of a narrative around it and not getting how it sounds to others.

[Anonymous]

“ She's very condescending, she teases people a lot. She is an excellent student and a great athlete, but she's mean about it. She's not stuffing kids into lockers but she's also not making much effort to be kind or open-minded and she really relishes winning, which she does a lot.”

OP’s child is jealous and so is OP so she has to relieve her discomfort by calling the other girl names.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“ She's very condescending, she teases people a lot. She is an excellent student and a great athlete, but she's mean about it. She's not stuffing kids into lockers but she's also not making much effort to be kind or open-minded and she really relishes winning, which she does a lot.”

OP’s child is jealous and so is OP so she has to relieve her discomfort by calling the other girl names.

Talk about weaving narratives!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so insane to even be venting about someone else’s kid to another parent, let alone calling the kid an a**hole.

This. I have a friend who does this and it is really weird. But they have a negative take on many people and get really, really easily offended. I just ignore it and assume that the kid is totally normal.

OP wasn't venting about this kid in the abstract. She was venting about how this kid is treating her DD. Do keep up!

But she is exaggerating, focusing on the negative, and sounds like she’s encouraging her own child to take any interpersonal difficulty as a major slight.

It’s called black & white thinking or splitting, and it’s uncomfortable to hear from anyone - much less an adult talking about a *child.* I wouldn’t want to be around a person like that.

Moreover, if you savage a child to another adult, then you need to be prepared for people to judge you. You are perfectly free to vent but when you vent about a literally child and call them names - yeah, you are going to get responses to that.

It’s one thing to talk about actual bullying behavior (which OP did not describe) and quite another to appear negatively fixated on what sounds like relatively normal ranges of behavior.

This is a weird take (the "exaggerating" and "black and white" thinking, etc.) on the OP. The OP refreshingly and candidly acknowledged that the girl wasn't bullying. (I say refreshingly bc I feel like I'm surrounded by unhinged black-and-white-thinking parents who label every slight on their child "bullying" and lodge complaints to the school.) Her description of what is happening was thoughtful, IMO.

And what OP describes is not "relatively normal" for a 4th grader. Are you not particularly involved at your kids' school or activities? Do you not have opportunities to see groups of ten year olds hang out and interact? They say and do mean and and unkind things, they hurt feelings, they brag -- of course. But a 10 yr old who is incessantly and consistently mean and taunting to any and everyone and seems to get her jollies from the negative responses it provokes is not the norm at this age at all. There is usually one or two kids like this per grade -- and they majorly stick out at this age! And perfectly nice and normal parents do talk about them bc it is negatively affecting their own kids -- not to gossip.

I hope OP is giving her DD tools to try not to be affected by this girl. But her DD is a "literal child", and dealing with folks like this is hard even for adults. So kindly forgive her "literal child" for having days where she comes home sad or demoralized.

again - it is very weird for a parent to develop a narrative that another child is “constantly taunting” etc based on the reports of another child. Most kids are more resilient than to come home defeated because another child bragged. It’s OK that OP’s child is not - but the weird part is OP’s weaving of a narrative around it and not getting how it sounds to others.

Oh stop! It's not weird to believe your own 10-yr old child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see the "blame the victim" crowd has entered the chat .

She’s not a victim. and it’s fine to have a narrative in your head that your Larla is an angel beset by *ssholes, but other people won’t believe it. Especially once it’s clear that it’s a pattern repeated with different kids, and somehow Larla is always the injured party and the other child is an *sshole.

And now the projecting and making up a whole bunch of stuff that wasn't in the OP crowd has entered the chat as well. Fun!

I read the OP. None of what she describes rises to the level of calling a child an “*shol.” It could equally be OP’s child is an over sensitive whiner. Most kids don’t come home every day saying “Larla bragged about winning!” It’s not normal to be fixated like that, and also not normal for a parent to have an equal fixation and encourage it in their own child. It’s weird.

Lady, it was one conversation, and her friend started it? Who's fixated? What is OP encouraging?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s so insane to even be venting about someone else’s kid to another parent, let alone calling the kid an a**hole.

This. I have a friend who does this and it is really weird. But they have a negative take on many people and get really, really easily offended. I just ignore it and assume that the kid is totally normal.

OP wasn't venting about this kid in the abstract. She was venting about how this kid is treating her DD. Do keep up!

But she is exaggerating, focusing on the negative, and sounds like she’s encouraging her own child to take any interpersonal difficulty as a major slight.

It’s called black & white thinking or splitting, and it’s uncomfortable to hear from anyone - much less an adult talking about a *child.* I wouldn’t want to be around a person like that.

Moreover, if you savage a child to another adult, then you need to be prepared for people to judge you. You are perfectly free to vent but when you vent about a literally child and call them names - yeah, you are going to get responses to that.

It’s one thing to talk about actual bullying behavior (which OP did not describe) and quite another to appear negatively fixated on what sounds like relatively normal ranges of behavior.

This is a weird take (the "exaggerating" and "black and white" thinking, etc.) on the OP. The OP refreshingly and candidly acknowledged that the girl wasn't bullying. (I say refreshingly bc I feel like I'm surrounded by unhinged black-and-white-thinking parents who label every slight on their child "bullying" and lodge complaints to the school.) Her description of what is happening was thoughtful, IMO.

And what OP describes is not "relatively normal" for a 4th grader. Are you not particularly involved at your kids' school or activities? Do you not have opportunities to see groups of ten year olds hang out and interact? They say and do mean and and unkind things, they hurt feelings, they brag -- of course. But a 10 yr old who is incessantly and consistently mean and taunting to any and everyone and seems to get her jollies from the negative responses it provokes is not the norm at this age at all. There is usually one or two kids like this per grade -- and they majorly stick out at this age! And perfectly nice and normal parents do talk about them bc it is negatively affecting their own kids -- not to gossip.

I hope OP is giving her DD tools to try not to be affected by this girl. But her DD is a "literal child", and dealing with folks like this is hard even for adults. So kindly forgive her "literal child" for having days where she comes home sad or demoralized.

again - it is very weird for a parent to develop a narrative that another child is “constantly taunting” etc based on the reports of another child. Most kids are more resilient than to come home defeated because another child bragged. It’s OK that OP’s child is not - but the weird part is OP’s weaving of a narrative around it and not getting how it sounds to others.

Oh stop! It's not weird to believe your own 10-yr old child.

what OP is doing is weird and clearly projecting. She is talking about a 10 year old child as if she is an adult peer; and even if she was an adult peer it would be weird. Who says things like a 10 year old is not “open minded enough”? If I heard OP’s rant I would 100% believe OP was insecure, projecting, and amplifying her daughter’s lack of self esteem instead of teaching resilience. I believe OP’s daughter is legtimately upset but anyone who listens to a child’s complaints and believes them literally has lost the plot.