DH walked out, I think- what do I do now?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:So he was annoyed that you expected him to sit and listen to you cry and/or rant about the school situation and then you expected him to stand quietly while you chatted with some random person you didn’t even really want to talk to while he was waiting for you?

We were at a plant nursery and a woman in line with us noticed we were buying the same plant and shared her ideas about it and asked what I was going to do with mine. He said it was ridiculous that I felt the need to respond to her and why did I have to be like that.

I didn’t cry or rant about the school thing. I said I was really upset and worried about x thing that school told us had happened and wondered how we should talk to DD and how we should respond to school. He said nothing was going to fix it so we should just tell school it was fine and I should stop wasting everyone’s time on it.

You know he’s insane, right? He must have a horrible time in the world. What a petty little b. Do you like him? He sounds absolutely insufferable. Has he always been? What a miserable existence.

He’s probably always been insufferable but has always told me I’m in the wrong. As someone who is really adaptable and flexible and has a ton of empathy, I’ve usually been very thoughtful about his “feedback.” But I think I was actually just contorting myself in an attempt to manage his reactions. Honestly, it’s hard to see it clearly from inside this mess, and my family and friends not being here to witness the everyday makes it harder because I don’t have anyone observing it and saying it’s normal or not.

I will say that when my friends visit or we have rare social occasions, it’s like he can flip a switch when he wants to and play nice. But he can also withdraw and sulk to sort of punish me for social obligations, and that’s when I feel like I scramble to cover for him so I won’t lose all my connections completely.

Also he did come back tonight, pretending everything is normal, and when I tried to say that the silent treatment is inappropriate and abusive, he told me I’m abusing him and smirked at me and walked to another room.

Thank you for update. Sounds like a challenging situation. Was his upbringing dysfunctional? How are his parents?

Very mentally ill sibling who is in and out of inpatient but it was hidden from me until well after we were married. FIL is kind but would be diagnosed with ASD now, and his dementia became incapacitating when he was relatively young and we were first married (late 50s) so I don’t know much about him. MIL is a gem but I think she has probably spent her life scrambling around to cover stuff up and there is a ton of shame and secrecy which I’m sure did not help DH’s emotional development.

Sure it was.

Your MIL is "a gem" but was actively hiding this from you?

Well, in every other way. I don’t want to slander her on the internet. She works really hard and is in a super awful situation.

Yes, it was hidden from me. The sibling would “go abroad” for special work projects, which made sense given the industry they’d worked in. Or when we went to visit their city, they would be “on a trip to see friends.”

When I finally figured out what was going on, DH said that his family felt really weird talking about the hospitalizations and this is how they’d always explained it and he didn’t know how to tell me. And at that point we were married with one baby, so it wasn’t like I was going to file for divorce because someone felt shame about mental illness and handled it badly. Now, with everything else that’s piled up, yeah, it’s bad.

So ... they didn't discuss something that was not your business with you ... but here you are babbling about things being "hidden" from you. More drama. Another attempt at drumming up sympathy by acting like people did something awful to you when they didn't.

I think that an entire family revolving around a sibling who has been in and out of hospitals since they were a tween and the other sibling was in grade school is something that probably should have been brought up before marriage. I can see that some PPs disagree but that is my opinion having lived through its impact on my family. -OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So he disappeared all afternoon until evening without his phone leaving you with the kids? That’s inexcusable.

Yes. Skipped baseball for kid 1 but got kid 2 to the birthday party.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:He’s having an affair and is looking for a way to make you the bad spouse so he can justify his actions.

this was my first thought too (DP)

Me too, but leaving the phone and car is weird. Unless he had pre-arranged plans to walk over or get picked up

Prob had his affair burner phone on him

Oh plz he didn't want calls or tracking.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

OP and that is what I needed to hear. Whatever is going on with DH and whatever emotions I dared to express (apparently dcum agrees with him and thinks I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever) don’t change the fact that he sought to make himself more emotionally comfortable at the expense of one of his own kids having to miss a baseball game or a birthday party and the dog potentially running into a busy street.

Nobody said this OP. They responded to the fact that your DH got irritated and walked out of a room and your reaction, when he didn't come back into the room, was, in your own words: "after 10 minutes I started frantically walking through the house." No one wants to live with someone running around "frantic" because they walked out of a room. The fact that you don't understand that this is not the same thing as "not say a word about anything ever" reveals your profound immaturity. As does your ratcheting the situation up to where a child misses a birthday party or the dog is killed in the street, when your original post suggests nothing beyond a quiet afternoon at home.

He's probably close to done with your emotional immaturity. You better get a handle on your behavior or next time the car and phone will be gone as well.

dp Are you claiming that the husband is the mature one? Do mature people walk out and not discuss what was bothering them? I can't believe the majority of posters are taking his side!

Op I don't know what I would do but, I would seriously think about divorce if you can swing it. This is no way to live

Have you read OP's posts? The incredible amount of drama in them?

Yes, I'm betting the DH is the more mature one here.

Of course I have read it! I don't comment on things I haven't fully read. If DH had explained why they were upset without the silent treatment and without storming out of the home you might have an arugumet. But he didn't and I can't support that

Are you and OP related, cause you sound like a crazy pants too!

Actually. The crazy pants person is you! A mature person doesn't run away from your problems. You discuss it and work on a solution for both people.

Not PP and sometimes being mature means putting pause on negative energy, more so if there are kids around or if other partner wouldn't quit the argument.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

OP and that is what I needed to hear. Whatever is going on with DH and whatever emotions I dared to express (apparently dcum agrees with him and thinks I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever) don’t change the fact that he sought to make himself more emotionally comfortable at the expense of one of his own kids having to miss a baseball game or a birthday party and the dog potentially running into a busy street.

Nobody said this OP. They responded to the fact that your DH got irritated and walked out of a room and your reaction, when he didn't come back into the room, was, in your own words: "after 10 minutes I started frantically walking through the house." No one wants to live with someone running around "frantic" because they walked out of a room. The fact that you don't understand that this is not the same thing as "not say a word about anything ever" reveals your profound immaturity. As does your ratcheting the situation up to where a child misses a birthday party or the dog is killed in the street, when your original post suggests nothing beyond a quiet afternoon at home.

He's probably close to done with your emotional immaturity. You better get a handle on your behavior or next time the car and phone will be gone as well.

dp Are you claiming that the husband is the mature one? Do mature people walk out and not discuss what was bothering them? I can't believe the majority of posters are taking his side!

Op I don't know what I would do but, I would seriously think about divorce if you can swing it. This is no way to live

Have you read OP's posts? The incredible amount of drama in them?

Yes, I'm betting the DH is the more mature one here.

Of course I have read it! I don't comment on things I haven't fully read. If DH had explained why they were upset without the silent treatment and without storming out of the home you might have an arugumet. But he didn't and I can't support that

Are you and OP related, cause you sound like a crazy pants too!

Actually. The crazy pants person is you! A mature person doesn't run away from your problems. You discuss it and work on a solution for both people.

Not PP and sometimes being mature means putting pause on negative energy, more so if there are kids around or if other partner wouldn't quit the argument.

On the other hand, the same reasoning is used to make excuses for why the silent treatment is not emotional abuse. Seems like this take gives one person all the power and control in a family.

[Anonymous]

Problem with men is that, if they raise voice, they are abusive, if the try to avoid the argument, they are avoidant, if the go quite, they are giving silent treatment, if they say something not agreeable, they are gaslighting.

For someone who isn't emotionally equipped to handle landmine of marriage, its bewildering.

[Anonymous]

If you want an emotionally competent partner, wait to find one or stay single or go lesbian.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Oof, I remember this. The silent treatment, the manufacturing of conflicts out of thin air when I asked him what was wrong, the feeling that I annoyed him by even existing, the entitlement to check out or stomp out knowing I would provide continuity for whatever needed to happen….finish cooking, pay the restaurant check, entertain the guests. It was horrible.

Yes he was sleeping around, but that was merely a symptom of deep, pathological selfishness, spiced up by a fun whiff of sociopathy. He was an empathy void. And boy did he hide that well before he locked me down.

You know those men who leave when the wife gets sick? Yeah. I wasn’t going to stick around and find out.

I’m sorry OP. I have been there and for me, it never got better. Maybe it will for you. But I’d take this event as the bellwether it is. With no discussion, and over a nonsense event (the plant thing? Really?), he bailed on you and your kids. Hell, he even endangered the dog by leaving the gate open.

I’m leery of men whose protective instincts of those more vulnerable don’t remain intact in moments like this. They often make bad life partners. I would insist on counseling, no two ways about it.

OP and that is what I needed to hear. Whatever is going on with DH and whatever emotions I dared to express (apparently dcum agrees with him and thinks I need to squish myself down into the tiniest lump possible and not say a word about anything ever) don’t change the fact that he sought to make himself more emotionally comfortable at the expense of one of his own kids having to miss a baseball game or a birthday party and the dog potentially running into a busy street.

Nobody said this OP. They responded to the fact that your DH got irritated and walked out of a room and your reaction, when he didn't come back into the room, was, in your own words: "after 10 minutes I started frantically walking through the house." No one wants to live with someone running around "frantic" because they walked out of a room. The fact that you don't understand that this is not the same thing as "not say a word about anything ever" reveals your profound immaturity. As does your ratcheting the situation up to where a child misses a birthday party or the dog is killed in the street, when your original post suggests nothing beyond a quiet afternoon at home.

He's probably close to done with your emotional immaturity. You better get a handle on your behavior or next time the car and phone will be gone as well.

dp Are you claiming that the husband is the mature one? Do mature people walk out and not discuss what was bothering them? I can't believe the majority of posters are taking his side!

Op I don't know what I would do but, I would seriously think about divorce if you can swing it. This is no way to live

Have you read OP's posts? The incredible amount of drama in them?

Yes, I'm betting the DH is the more mature one here.

Of course I have read it! I don't comment on things I haven't fully read. If DH had explained why they were upset without the silent treatment and without storming out of the home you might have an arugumet. But he didn't and I can't support that

Are you and OP related, cause you sound like a crazy pants too!

Actually. The crazy pants person is you! A mature person doesn't run away from your problems. You discuss it and work on a solution for both people.

Not PP and sometimes being mature means putting pause on negative energy, more so if there are kids around or if other partner wouldn't quit the argument.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want an emotionally competent partner, wait to find one or stay single or go lesbian.

You think that is going to guarantee an "emotionally competent partner" lol? Lesbians are just like everyone else; some emotionally competent, others not so much.

[Anonymous]

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I'm so sorry, OP. My best guess is:

Either he's conducting an affair and has started the blame game to make himself feel better. Or, if he's exhibited signs of inappropriate social reactions before, he's on the autism spectrum and will continue to have these reactions now and again all throughout his life, when he's stressed out.

Both scenarios are very serious. Get your act together, because you have some hard decisions to make for your family's future.

Is autism a reason for not getting shared custody? That would be sometime to investigate before leaving kids with him half time.

PP you replied to. No, an autism diagnosis will not be considered. The bar is very high to prove that a parent is unfit for custody. You would need to prove that the parent has directly harmed the children in a measurable way, or that he's a habitual user of hard drugs, etc. Something serious like that, or regular physical absences for work such that he cannot actually live in the same house with them for most of the time (deployment, long-distance job, etc).

That’s too bad. I don’t think we should judge adults with autism if they’re functioning fine, but if they’re creating this kind of chaos it’s a shame that the court wouldn’t protect the kids.

Take your attempt at disguising your shameful ableism elsewhere. Your "I don't think we should judge" stuff doesn't hide it.

No judgement of people with autism who are parenting responsibly. We don’t even know who they are because they are doing their thing and not causing anyone hurt or harm. But if you’re using your differently developed brain as an excuse to not parent or to sow emotional chaos and instability, then yeah, total judgement.

Yeah. Because that is exactly what is at issue here -- some one using their "differently developed brain as an excuse to not parent or to sow emotional chaos"? No, it is not. And yet you can't help implying that this is a big thing here. Yes. Ableist bs. I hope you mouth off like this in person and get canceled.

Cancel culture is a terrible thing and needs to be eliminated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was this a weekend HE had planned? No. Likely You informed him HOW his weekend was going to go. Yard work. Yippee!! He probably thinks most of what you do, keeping the family's world spinning is unnecessary. And he might be right.

Don't get married and have a family if you don't want to do what needs to be done.

Op, I don't think I could stay with someone who says I'm too much, or however he put it.

[Anonymous]

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I'm so sorry, OP. My best guess is:

Either he's conducting an affair and has started the blame game to make himself feel better. Or, if he's exhibited signs of inappropriate social reactions before, he's on the autism spectrum and will continue to have these reactions now and again all throughout his life, when he's stressed out.

Both scenarios are very serious. Get your act together, because you have some hard decisions to make for your family's future.

It isn't a day on dcum if someone's spouse isn't diagnosed with autism over the internet.

Or ADHD.

[Anonymous]

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I'm so sorry, OP. My best guess is:

Either he's conducting an affair and has started the blame game to make himself feel better. Or, if he's exhibited signs of inappropriate social reactions before, he's on the autism spectrum and will continue to have these reactions now and again all throughout his life, when he's stressed out.

Both scenarios are very serious. Get your act together, because you have some hard decisions to make for your family's future.

It isn't a day on dcum if someone's spouse isn't diagnosed with autism over the internet.

Or ADHD.

Preach.

[Anonymous]

Do you work OP? I think you need to get your ducks in a row and start thinking of leaving. I know it seems impossible and overwhelming but start taking small steps towards leaving. Empower yourself. We can do hard things!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you work OP? I think you need to get your ducks in a row and start thinking of leaving. I know it seems impossible and overwhelming but start taking small steps towards leaving. Empower yourself. We can do hard things!

I want to know the answer to this as well. I'm guessing the answer is no. Whether or not she admits that, though ...