“I’m destitute, and I need you to solve this”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Yes majority of us will help "loving parents". But most will not help a parent who will not learn from their bad actions. The mom had a good vehicle, paid off and sold it to buy one they cannot afford. If they dont' want help, you don't go into debt/stress your marriage for them.

Which is . . . . what I said. There is a spectrum of help that doesn't require you to go into debt or stress your marriage. But MANY of you are saying do nothing. And many of you are dripping with contempt for the people that raised you. It's disgusting.

DP. You don't seem to understand, probably due to never having to deal with anything like this. With parents like OP's it's not the first time they have required "help". They have lifelong issues making sound decisions. No matter what they are advised, they do whatever they want anyway, not once, not twice, but for 40-50 years! Then when the inevitable happens, they are destitute and "I need you to solve this". Sorry, I don't know about you, but most adult kids with families don't have enough money to upkeep both their parents, in-laws and their own families all at the same time. It's not about contempt or hate. There simply aren't enough resources to do this. There is a reason why we should save for retirement when we earn money. People are saying to do nothing because they all have given free advice to their parents for years and it has gone nowhere. There is realistically nothing else to do. As I say, if you think there is, you actually don't have experience with these types of people.

1000%

It's just like "tough love" with your own kids. If they are stupid with money, you don't constantly bail them out for dumb decisions. You let them live with their choices. You try to teach them, but if they won't learn, the best path is to "learn the hard way"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once again, the elderly haters are out in force. You people have no idea what your future will be like but you will be old in a wink of an eye.

There is an entire spectrum here. Do nothing and let her live in a government home to letting her move in with you and find her lifestyle. Neither of those options are reasonable. She needs to learn and have some skin in the game. But it can be done with compassion. What is that? I do t know all your details but a financial person (& therapist) can help find that place that works for you.

Honestly, the coldness some of you have towards family, and specifically parents who raised you, is breathtakingly selfish. But I do believe we do have the obligation to care for loving parents as they age. That doesn’t mean giving them what they want 100% or giving at the ruin of your own family. Jesus, people.

Yes majority of us will help "loving parents". But most will not help a parent who will not learn from their bad actions. The mom had a good vehicle, paid off and sold it to buy one they cannot afford. If they dont' want help, you don't go into debt/stress your marriage for them.

Which is . . . . what I said. There is a spectrum of help that doesn't require you to go into debt or stress your marriage. But MANY of you are saying do nothing. And many of you are dripping with contempt for the people that raised you. It's disgusting.

DP - no, most people are advising not to make significant financial commitments. The OP’s mom sounds like she needs a good deal of help which, for many people, would stress their marriage or require them to go into debt. If the OP is raising kids right now, there often is very little bandwidth.

IME, the “loving parents” are the ones who do NOT want to burden their kids. They go to great lengths not to. And because their kids realize that, they actually are willing to help - they know they’re not being taken advantage of or manipulated. They know their parents prioritized them appropriately. It’s the parents who put their own needs first, consistently, who demand too much of their adult children, just like they demanded too much from their kids when they were young. Some of us are trying to break that cycle.

The subject of this thread is not your mother, and was described as a good mother. She’s one of “these people” in her mid 70s with cognitive decline.

Actually, the OP described her as “not a bad mother,” which isn’t the same thing as a good mother. She may have been, but that’s not the phrase OP used. You and others inserted it into this thread for the purpose of bashing the OP and people who won’t martyr themselves for the elderly parents.

Why are the options either martyring yourself or just helping your mom keep her house? Of course if OP is going to lose HER house by helping her mother, don't do it! But if you can keep your mother from having to eat cat food without losing your own roof? We don't know the exact details of what'd be involved here. But certainly we haven't heard anything suggesting OP's only means of self-preservation is to block her mother and pretend she never existed.

Yeah, her mom made terrible financial choices. Seems never to have done anything other than that. Do you think you're doing to teach her a lesson now that she's in her 70s and finally get her to change her ways, by putting her on food stamps?

[Anonymous]

The credit card debt will hopefully disappear with bankruptcy. SS will cover her mortgage and hopefully electricity etc. Let her new car be repossessed when she stops making payments. She can ride the metro or bus. Keep sending her gift cards for groceries. If she needs additional help, send a utility payment directly to the company.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The credit card debt will hopefully disappear with bankruptcy. SS will cover her mortgage and hopefully electricity etc. Let her new car be repossessed when she stops making payments. She can ride the metro or bus. Keep sending her gift cards for groceries. If she needs additional help, send a utility payment directly to the company.

This right here. Don't bankrupt yourself OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

No one is suggesting she martyr herself. She volunteered that she had the resources to provide housing and it might be a good investment for her. Some people are wallowing in their hatred for their own parents, gloating that they live in substandard conditions (nothing but secondhand furniture for them!), and some are saying if you can help your parent without harming your family you absolutely should.

Those of you who think you’re such wonderful parents are eventually going to find out what modeling a lack of mercy does.

I honestly cannot stand posters like you. You are completely misunderstanding what mercy is. Being merciful is not about funding someone's overconsumption. If someone had a car paid off and then decided to get a new one they cannot afford, paying for it has nothing to do with mercy. The ridiculous part in all this is that you apparently think of yourself as someone merciful. Most posts here about their elderly parents have a common denominator in said parents having lavish and unaffordable lifestyles and lifelong overconsumption. Not war situations, famine, natural disasters. No. Overconsumption.

Prove it. Analyze each post in this forum from 2024 and let’s see if most posts are about overconsumption. Be sure to compile links for each overconsumption thread and give the total number of threads so we can check your work.

MERCY
noun
compassion or forgiveness shown toward someone whom it is within one's power to punish or harm.

No one is suggesting punishment for mom. Taking care of yourself isn't punishing someone else. Only a martyr would conflate the two

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once again, the elderly haters are out in force. You people have no idea what your future will be like but you will be old in a wink of an eye.

There is an entire spectrum here. Do nothing and let her live in a government home to letting her move in with you and find her lifestyle. Neither of those options are reasonable. She needs to learn and have some skin in the game. But it can be done with compassion. What is that? I do t know all your details but a financial person (& therapist) can help find that place that works for you.

Honestly, the coldness some of you have towards family, and specifically parents who raised you, is breathtakingly selfish. But I do believe we do have the obligation to care for loving parents as they age. That doesn’t mean giving them what they want 100% or giving at the ruin of your own family. Jesus, people.

Yes majority of us will help "loving parents". But most will not help a parent who will not learn from their bad actions. The mom had a good vehicle, paid off and sold it to buy one they cannot afford. If they dont' want help, you don't go into debt/stress your marriage for them.

Which is . . . . what I said. There is a spectrum of help that doesn't require you to go into debt or stress your marriage. But MANY of you are saying do nothing. And many of you are dripping with contempt for the people that raised you. It's disgusting.

DP - no, most people are advising not to make significant financial commitments. The OP’s mom sounds like she needs a good deal of help which, for many people, would stress their marriage or require them to go into debt. If the OP is raising kids right now, there often is very little bandwidth.

IME, the “loving parents” are the ones who do NOT want to burden their kids. They go to great lengths not to. And because their kids realize that, they actually are willing to help - they know they’re not being taken advantage of or manipulated. They know their parents prioritized them appropriately. It’s the parents who put their own needs first, consistently, who demand too much of their adult children, just like they demanded too much from their kids when they were young. Some of us are trying to break that cycle.

The subject of this thread is not your mother, and was described as a good mother. She’s one of “these people” in her mid 70s with cognitive decline.

Actually, the OP described her as “not a bad mother,” which isn’t the same thing as a good mother. She may have been, but that’s not the phrase OP used. You and others inserted it into this thread for the purpose of bashing the OP and people who won’t martyr themselves for the elderly parents.

Why are the options either martyring yourself or just helping your mom keep her house? Of course if OP is going to lose HER house by helping her mother, don't do it! But if you can keep your mother from having to eat cat food without losing your own roof? We don't know the exact details of what'd be involved here. But certainly we haven't heard anything suggesting OP's only means of self-preservation is to block her mother and pretend she never existed.

Yeah, her mom made terrible financial choices. Seems never to have done anything other than that. Do you think you're doing to teach her a lesson now that she's in her 70s and finally get her to change her ways, by putting her on food stamps?

Are you expecting your kids to fund your retirement?

No one is talking about cat food. OP’s mom just bought a brand new car! She has to change her ways because her ways have led to bankruptcy. So yes, I WOULD expect that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once again, the elderly haters are out in force. You people have no idea what your future will be like but you will be old in a wink of an eye.

There is an entire spectrum here. Do nothing and let her live in a government home to letting her move in with you and find her lifestyle. Neither of those options are reasonable. She needs to learn and have some skin in the game. But it can be done with compassion. What is that? I do t know all your details but a financial person (& therapist) can help find that place that works for you.

Honestly, the coldness some of you have towards family, and specifically parents who raised you, is breathtakingly selfish. But I do believe we do have the obligation to care for loving parents as they age. That doesn’t mean giving them what they want 100% or giving at the ruin of your own family. Jesus, people.

Yes majority of us will help "loving parents". But most will not help a parent who will not learn from their bad actions. The mom had a good vehicle, paid off and sold it to buy one they cannot afford. If they dont' want help, you don't go into debt/stress your marriage for them.

Which is . . . . what I said. There is a spectrum of help that doesn't require you to go into debt or stress your marriage. But MANY of you are saying do nothing. And many of you are dripping with contempt for the people that raised you. It's disgusting.

DP - no, most people are advising not to make significant financial commitments. The OP’s mom sounds like she needs a good deal of help which, for many people, would stress their marriage or require them to go into debt. If the OP is raising kids right now, there often is very little bandwidth.

IME, the “loving parents” are the ones who do NOT want to burden their kids. They go to great lengths not to. And because their kids realize that, they actually are willing to help - they know they’re not being taken advantage of or manipulated. They know their parents prioritized them appropriately. It’s the parents who put their own needs first, consistently, who demand too much of their adult children, just like they demanded too much from their kids when they were young. Some of us are trying to break that cycle.

The subject of this thread is not your mother, and was described as a good mother. She’s one of “these people” in her mid 70s with cognitive decline.

Actually, the OP described her as “not a bad mother,” which isn’t the same thing as a good mother. She may have been, but that’s not the phrase OP used. You and others inserted it into this thread for the purpose of bashing the OP and people who won’t martyr themselves for the elderly parents.

No one is suggesting she martyr herself. She volunteered that she had the resources to provide housing and it might be a good investment for her. Some people are wallowing in their hatred for their own parents, gloating that they live in substandard conditions (nothing but secondhand furniture for them!), and some are saying if you can help your parent without harming your family you absolutely should.

Those of you who think you’re such wonderful parents are eventually going to find out what modeling a lack of mercy does.

No, people are saying that the OP should consult expert resources (not here) before becoming her mother’s landlord. That’s good advice.

Frankly, your posts are some of the most hostile on this thread. Just because they’re not directed towards the elderly doesn’t make them less so.

Someone's children really do not like her.

Your points are flawed so you resort to baseless personal attacks. Typical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once again, the elderly haters are out in force. You people have no idea what your future will be like but you will be old in a wink of an eye.

There is an entire spectrum here. Do nothing and let her live in a government home to letting her move in with you and find her lifestyle. Neither of those options are reasonable. She needs to learn and have some skin in the game. But it can be done with compassion. What is that? I do t know all your details but a financial person (& therapist) can help find that place that works for you.

Honestly, the coldness some of you have towards family, and specifically parents who raised you, is breathtakingly selfish. But I do believe we do have the obligation to care for loving parents as they age. That doesn’t mean giving them what they want 100% or giving at the ruin of your own family. Jesus, people.

Yes majority of us will help "loving parents". But most will not help a parent who will not learn from their bad actions. The mom had a good vehicle, paid off and sold it to buy one they cannot afford. If they dont' want help, you don't go into debt/stress your marriage for them.

Which is . . . . what I said. There is a spectrum of help that doesn't require you to go into debt or stress your marriage. But MANY of you are saying do nothing. And many of you are dripping with contempt for the people that raised you. It's disgusting.

DP - no, most people are advising not to make significant financial commitments. The OP’s mom sounds like she needs a good deal of help which, for many people, would stress their marriage or require them to go into debt. If the OP is raising kids right now, there often is very little bandwidth.

IME, the “loving parents” are the ones who do NOT want to burden their kids. They go to great lengths not to. And because their kids realize that, they actually are willing to help - they know they’re not being taken advantage of or manipulated. They know their parents prioritized them appropriately. It’s the parents who put their own needs first, consistently, who demand too much of their adult children, just like they demanded too much from their kids when they were young. Some of us are trying to break that cycle.

The subject of this thread is not your mother, and was described as a good mother. She’s one of “these people” in her mid 70s with cognitive decline.

Actually, the OP described her as “not a bad mother,” which isn’t the same thing as a good mother. She may have been, but that’s not the phrase OP used. You and others inserted it into this thread for the purpose of bashing the OP and people who won’t martyr themselves for the elderly parents.

Why are the options either martyring yourself or just helping your mom keep her house? Of course if OP is going to lose HER house by helping her mother, don't do it! But if you can keep your mother from having to eat cat food without losing your own roof? We don't know the exact details of what'd be involved here. But certainly we haven't heard anything suggesting OP's only means of self-preservation is to block her mother and pretend she never existed.

Yeah, her mom made terrible financial choices. Seems never to have done anything other than that. Do you think you're doing to teach her a lesson now that she's in her 70s and finally get her to change her ways, by putting her on food stamps?

Who is suggesting the OP let her mother eat cat food? And who is suggesting the OP "block her mother and pretend she never existed"? Again, most of the posts on this thread have generally advised not becoming financially entangled with her mother, which is good advice. The vitriol some of you are projecting onto those posts is telling.

P.S. - that you think a lifetime of terrible financial choices has no ripple effects is telling, as well. It's not trivial.

[Anonymous]

Im really sorry, OP, I am responsible for my mother's care (dementia) but at least she is solvent. In your case, there are only a few options. She sells the car and home and rents a small studio apartment, perhaps subsidized senior housing. She lives on social security and medicare/medicaid if needed. If she doesn't want to sell the home or it doesnt make financial sense she gets a roommate and sells the car. She can explore WIC and other programs and if she wants to work now, she should but its definitely not a long term solution.

You can help her with resources for people in need but should not bail her out financially because she will just continue to do it. This is not the situation of an unexpected medical crisis, this is someone who fundamentally cannot manage money. It might also be helpful for you if she explores some of the senior aid agencies on her own---having someone else set her straight may be better than you. Your position can be helping her with finding what resources are available, but you cannot fund her.

My FIL was similar (in his case a lifetime gambling addiction was the culprit), although he had a fairly substantial disability payment from the state of NY that covered all his basic expenses. We occasionally purchased single items that he needed (new bed, new chair, etc) but did not provide ongoing financial support as it would just go to the OTB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to go into a government home. Call the senior care department of the county she lives in. They will tell you what can and cannot be done in her case. I think bankruptcy was a good move. It will facilitate things for the government home.

What is a "government home"? If she is able to execute her ADLs, she is not eligible for Medicaid. IDK, but the bankruptcy may complicate efforts for her to get into subsidized senior housing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to go into a government home. Call the senior care department of the county she lives in. They will tell you what can and cannot be done in her case. I think bankruptcy was a good move. It will facilitate things for the government home.

What is a "government home"? If she is able to execute her ADLs, she is not eligible for Medicaid. IDK, but the bankruptcy may complicate efforts for her to get into subsidized senior housing.

DP - my father lives in subsidized senior housing after declaring bankruptcy. The state laws may well vary on that front (he's in Maryland), but it's possible in some cases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once again, the elderly haters are out in force. You people have no idea what your future will be like but you will be old in a wink of an eye.

There is an entire spectrum here. Do nothing and let her live in a government home to letting her move in with you and find her lifestyle. Neither of those options are reasonable. She needs to learn and have some skin in the game. But it can be done with compassion. What is that? I do t know all your details but a financial person (& therapist) can help find that place that works for you.

Honestly, the coldness some of you have towards family, and specifically parents who raised you, is breathtakingly selfish. But I do believe we do have the obligation to care for loving parents as they age. That doesn’t mean giving them what they want 100% or giving at the ruin of your own family. Jesus, people.

Yes majority of us will help "loving parents". But most will not help a parent who will not learn from their bad actions. The mom had a good vehicle, paid off and sold it to buy one they cannot afford. If they dont' want help, you don't go into debt/stress your marriage for them.

Which is . . . . what I said. There is a spectrum of help that doesn't require you to go into debt or stress your marriage. But MANY of you are saying do nothing. And many of you are dripping with contempt for the people that raised you. It's disgusting.

DP - no, most people are advising not to make significant financial commitments. The OP’s mom sounds like she needs a good deal of help which, for many people, would stress their marriage or require them to go into debt. If the OP is raising kids right now, there often is very little bandwidth.

IME, the “loving parents” are the ones who do NOT want to burden their kids. They go to great lengths not to. And because their kids realize that, they actually are willing to help - they know they’re not being taken advantage of or manipulated. They know their parents prioritized them appropriately. It’s the parents who put their own needs first, consistently, who demand too much of their adult children, just like they demanded too much from their kids when they were young. Some of us are trying to break that cycle.

The subject of this thread is not your mother, and was described as a good mother. She’s one of “these people” in her mid 70s with cognitive decline.

Actually, the OP described her as “not a bad mother,” which isn’t the same thing as a good mother. She may have been, but that’s not the phrase OP used. You and others inserted it into this thread for the purpose of bashing the OP and people who won’t martyr themselves for the elderly parents.

Why are the options either martyring yourself or just helping your mom keep her house? Of course if OP is going to lose HER house by helping her mother, don't do it! But if you can keep your mother from having to eat cat food without losing your own roof? We don't know the exact details of what'd be involved here. But certainly we haven't heard anything suggesting OP's only means of self-preservation is to block her mother and pretend she never existed.

Yeah, her mom made terrible financial choices. Seems never to have done anything other than that. Do you think you're doing to teach her a lesson now that she's in her 70s and finally get her to change her ways, by putting her on food stamps?

Is there no brake on the mother's egregious spending? No hard wall that she can't dig herself ( and this her daughter, by her own backup plan) still deeper in debt under?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I thought of you today when my mom sent me a picture of her brand new car. Situation isn’t quite as bad but I am concerned!

Same! My parents get a new luxury SUV every 2 years. Whyyyyy? They can afford it but should they? What if they need the money in 20 or 30 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once again, the elderly haters are out in force. You people have no idea what your future will be like but you will be old in a wink of an eye.

There is an entire spectrum here. Do nothing and let her live in a government home to letting her move in with you and find her lifestyle. Neither of those options are reasonable. She needs to learn and have some skin in the game. But it can be done with compassion. What is that? I do t know all your details but a financial person (& therapist) can help find that place that works for you.

Honestly, the coldness some of you have towards family, and specifically parents who raised you, is breathtakingly selfish. But I do believe we do have the obligation to care for loving parents as they age. That doesn’t mean giving them what they want 100% or giving at the ruin of your own family. Jesus, people.

Yes majority of us will help "loving parents". But most will not help a parent who will not learn from their bad actions. The mom had a good vehicle, paid off and sold it to buy one they cannot afford. If they dont' want help, you don't go into debt/stress your marriage for them.

Which is . . . . what I said. There is a spectrum of help that doesn't require you to go into debt or stress your marriage. But MANY of you are saying do nothing. And many of you are dripping with contempt for the people that raised you. It's disgusting.

DP - no, most people are advising not to make significant financial commitments. The OP’s mom sounds like she needs a good deal of help which, for many people, would stress their marriage or require them to go into debt. If the OP is raising kids right now, there often is very little bandwidth.

IME, the “loving parents” are the ones who do NOT want to burden their kids. They go to great lengths not to. And because their kids realize that, they actually are willing to help - they know they’re not being taken advantage of or manipulated. They know their parents prioritized them appropriately. It’s the parents who put their own needs first, consistently, who demand too much of their adult children, just like they demanded too much from their kids when they were young. Some of us are trying to break that cycle.

The subject of this thread is not your mother, and was described as a good mother. She’s one of “these people” in her mid 70s with cognitive decline.

Actually, the OP described her as “not a bad mother,” which isn’t the same thing as a good mother. She may have been, but that’s not the phrase OP used. You and others inserted it into this thread for the purpose of bashing the OP and people who won’t martyr themselves for the elderly parents.

No one is suggesting she martyr herself. She volunteered that she had the resources to provide housing and it might be a good investment for her. Some people are wallowing in their hatred for their own parents, gloating that they live in substandard conditions (nothing but secondhand furniture for them!), and some are saying if you can help your parent without harming your family you absolutely should.

Those of you who think you’re such wonderful parents are eventually going to find out what modeling a lack of mercy does.

No, people are saying that the OP should consult expert resources (not here) before becoming her mother’s landlord. That’s good advice.

Frankly, your posts are some of the most hostile on this thread. Just because they’re not directed towards the elderly doesn’t make them less so.

Someone's children really do not like her.

Your points are flawed so you resort to baseless personal attacks. Typical.

Hit dog hollers.