New baby with second husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

I had a baby with my second husband. One from first marriage. What you are describing is a hard idea for a lot of reasons. If your youngest kid is 9, that kid will be entering teen years when you have a new baby. In my experience, tween years are when you want to be the most present for your kids as they are dealing with a lot of development at that time. Having a new baby or being pregnant or otherwise focused on "the second round" as you call it would make it really hard for you to be the best parent you can be to the kids you already have. You are also old enough that pregnancy itself is going to be physically difficult in ways that your decade-ago pregnancies were not. My second baby was born when I was 35, at which point my older child was turning 8. Being pregnant at 35 was physically harder than the easy pregnancy I had 28.

Honestly, that you are calling it a "second round" is a red flag. Quit playing fantasy house with your new husband and parent the children you already have.

This!

You are setting yourself up to crumble the relationship you have with your kids. They will rebel and hate you. It will be your fault - both in reality and perceived. You are the adult.

Out of necessity you will spend more time with the baby when your kids need you. Your husband won't have the patience with them than a biological father would. He will end up resentful of the time and energy they need, especially from you. He will end up with a bad relationship with them, which will eventually soil your relationship with them. Oh and he will help you to spoil his baby at the expense of your children, which will fuel their resentment.

Stop making up nonsense. The husband is not the father and expecting him to be is not appropriate. He has a right to have kids and care for his kids. Each set of kids has two parents who are responsible. Stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t purely due to age. Older age, more potential complications for you and the baby, more likely kid is to lose parents early.

My 40 year old stepmother opted to have another baby with my dad. Half sister was great, loved by all, but my family really fell apart when she was young due to various health issues. And I know she felt very lonely as the only kid in the house with old parents when the older kids went to college. She’ll get zero financial or physical help from our parents when she has kids b/c they are both basically in their graves now.

40 isn’t old to have a child but 80 for grandparents can be.

Op says she is “over 40” now so she could be 43-44 before she manages to give birth to another baby. It’s old.

And?

That's totally unfair to her kids as they come of age. Plus, she will look and feel like grandma. Actually, I remember some parents getting accidentally labeled as grandparents in the photos at my kid's school. Ha! That's totally going to be OP.

[Anonymous]

Trust me, from the older kids' point of view, there is a HUGE difference between another sibling in the same household with the same 2 parents, and one parent (Mom or Dad) running off to start a new family with someone else. The latter is NOT just another sibling.

[Anonymous]

OP I would not take advice from anyone who assumes the teens lives would be somehow ruined. Hopefully your kids are more well adjusted than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust me, from the older kids' point of view, there is a HUGE difference between another sibling in the same household with the same 2 parents, and one parent (Mom or Dad) running off to start a new family with someone else. The latter is NOT just another sibling.

Everybody is not like you
Some people actually do love their step sibling and do not share your view

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

I had a baby with my second husband. One from first marriage. What you are describing is a hard idea for a lot of reasons. If your youngest kid is 9, that kid will be entering teen years when you have a new baby. In my experience, tween years are when you want to be the most present for your kids as they are dealing with a lot of development at that time. Having a new baby or being pregnant or otherwise focused on "the second round" as you call it would make it really hard for you to be the best parent you can be to the kids you already have. You are also old enough that pregnancy itself is going to be physically difficult in ways that your decade-ago pregnancies were not. My second baby was born when I was 35, at which point my older child was turning 8. Being pregnant at 35 was physically harder than the easy pregnancy I had 28.

Honestly, that you are calling it a "second round" is a red flag. Quit playing fantasy house with your new husband and parent the children you already have.

This!

You are setting yourself up to crumble the relationship you have with your kids. They will rebel and hate you. It will be your fault - both in reality and perceived. You are the adult.

Out of necessity you will spend more time with the baby when your kids need you. Your husband won't have the patience with them than a biological father would. He will end up resentful of the time and energy they need, especially from you. He will end up with a bad relationship with them, which will eventually soil your relationship with them. Oh and he will help you to spoil his baby at the expense of your children, which will fuel their resentment.

I rarely say anything specific and personal on these boards, but I have an older son I had when I was young. His dad is in and out of his life. We were terrible as a couple but married for religious reasons and divorced soon after. After years as a single mom, I met my current DH. It took a few years after we got married, but we now have young kids together. DH has always been super involved in my older son's life. They bonded over sports. Even if my son's dad is in town, DH attends all his games. There were times before we had new kids where I'd think, yay, we have a Saturday off because dad is in town; let's go on a weekend trip, and DH wouldn't let us go until after the sports game. When we had new babies, DH took over with older son. DH, like some men, was not great with babies. He loved them and doted, but he is with my older son whenever he is offered the choice between doing baby/toddler stuff on the weekends versus taking my older son to a sports game or golfing. I have to make sure he gives me time with my older son.

This is to say that every situation is different. My situation and the PP's sound like opposites. Take the advice you get here with a grain of salt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many older kids would adore having a baby around. People are being way too negative here. There tends to be bias against having babies over 40 on this site in general.

OP my best friend’s mom growing up had “round 2” while her others were in high school. It worked out great and brought much joy to everyone in the family.

No, it brought joy to the selfish friend. Of course she will tell you the older kids "adore" having a baby around. That's such a lie I can't believe anyone would hear it and keep a straight face!

You are a hateful person. So bitter.

Our kids are the joy of our lives. Zero regrets.

Yes, a selfish person would have no regrets. Because you never thought of anyone but yourself and your wants, and decided to brush aside the family you already had. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Husband is the "diamond" you say. No pressure either way. It's me who fantasizes about a baby together but I definitely am concerned about my kids from first marriage. It's probably just a fantasy. I love babies.

I was a kid from the first marriage. This phrasing even gives me red flags. They are your kids. period. You may want another baby. That will be your kid too. It is not first and second rounds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust me, from the older kids' point of view, there is a HUGE difference between another sibling in the same household with the same 2 parents, and one parent (Mom or Dad) running off to start a new family with someone else. The latter is NOT just another sibling.

Agreed. It's insane that these pps refuse to see it from their childrens POV. All they see is "babies are cute, I want babies". Too bad for the elder children to get pushed aside for selfish parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many older kids would adore having a baby around. People are being way too negative here. There tends to be bias against having babies over 40 on this site in general.

OP my best friend’s mom growing up had “round 2” while her others were in high school. It worked out great and brought much joy to everyone in the family.

No, it brought joy to the selfish friend. Of course she will tell you the older kids "adore" having a baby around. That's such a lie I can't believe anyone would hear it and keep a straight face!

You are a hateful person. So bitter.

Our kids are the joy of our lives. Zero regrets.

Yes, a selfish person would have no regrets. Because you never thought of anyone but yourself and your wants, and decided to brush aside the family you already had. Sad.

By your standpoint no one should have more than one kid.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would do it! I and my boyfriend conceived easily at 43 and so did many of our friends, as did my sister.

[Anonymous]

OP asked about her chances of conceiving at 40. Not good;

https://www.miracare.com/blog/your-chances-of-pregnancy-by-age/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would do it! I and my boyfriend conceived easily at 43 and so did many of our friends, as did my sister.

All of your friends had babies with second husbands after 40?

[Anonymous]

OP, I would do it. I actually did it and had another baby at 40 when my older kids were 11 and 13. 11 years in, and so far so good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have kids with XH. New DH has no kids. Discussing the possibility of a kid together… I’m over 40. I conceived my other kids 9+ years ago first try each time, carried full term, no miscarriages. What are the odds I am still fertile? Anyone else have a second round child?

I had a baby with my second husband. One from first marriage. What you are describing is a hard idea for a lot of reasons. If your youngest kid is 9, that kid will be entering teen years when you have a new baby. In my experience, tween years are when you want to be the most present for your kids as they are dealing with a lot of development at that time. Having a new baby or being pregnant or otherwise focused on "the second round" as you call it would make it really hard for you to be the best parent you can be to the kids you already have. You are also old enough that pregnancy itself is going to be physically difficult in ways that your decade-ago pregnancies were not. My second baby was born when I was 35, at which point my older child was turning 8. Being pregnant at 35 was physically harder than the easy pregnancy I had 28.

Honestly, that you are calling it a "second round" is a red flag. Quit playing fantasy house with your new husband and parent the children you already have.

This!

You are setting yourself up to crumble the relationship you have with your kids. They will rebel and hate you. It will be your fault - both in reality and perceived. You are the adult.

Out of necessity you will spend more time with the baby when your kids need you. Your husband won't have the patience with them than a biological father would. He will end up resentful of the time and energy they need, especially from you. He will end up with a bad relationship with them, which will eventually soil your relationship with them. Oh and he will help you to spoil his baby at the expense of your children, which will fuel their resentment.

Stop making up nonsense. The husband is not the father and expecting him to be is not appropriate. He has a right to have kids and care for his kids. Each set of kids has two parents who are responsible. Stop.

I guess you were never the child from a first marriage and your parent remarries and they start a new family where the older child is treated like a burden and forced to be a "nanny" to the younger child, have you? It happens all the time. It is unbelievably selfish to do this to children from a first marriage. If either one wants children of their own then marry someone who has no children.