Coping with the knowledge that everyone views your kid as a problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s time for a lawyer. While some excuses may be made for not following the IEP correctly, there is no reason why the school would not be able to provide related services. That’s outrageous.

This. And the posters saying “but they can’t! Teachers are in an impossible position! Stop complaining! Bring treats!” - your interests do not align with OP’s or her child’s. And you seem to have absolutely no understanding of how change is achieved when there are laws in place, funding set based on how those laws are applied, and stakes in not giving children services. Change is achieved by taking legal action at this point in time with the legal framework in place. You may not like it because it impacts you in the short term. It’s like people who don’t want people to sue based on work place injuries because other people will lose their jobs. Structural change is done this way. OP, advocate for your child. The real answer is however - and the reason people do not do it this way - is that it is cheaper and so much faster to find a good private school. That is what we did for K. My kid also wasn’t violent or eloping but extremely defiant, hyper, mildly intellectually disabled. It was a disaster in pre k and I saw the writing on the wall. In your case I think it depends on what change is available which is why you need to consult with a lawyer. Build a case for private placement perhaps. If your child has medical health issues, it may be much easier. Sending him home every day might possibly support a case for a one on one as may a condition like epilepsy. Figure out all your options. Look into privates. Look into homeschooling. Understanding what you can do is empowering.

Don’t you realize how many SN parents do this? They ask stretched public schools who literally don’t sometimes have the funds for adequate supplies, paper, etc and are dealing with ratios of 1:30, insane standards, kids with numerous behavioral
problems and social emotional
Issues the level of which you have no idea (domestic violence, kids who are victims of incest, kids whose parents are addicts, etc) for excessive levels of support they literally cannot provide because schools aren’t funded properly. It’s a lose lose situation for all. It turns the relationship contentious, and then it turns your kid into even more of a problem child than they already are.

Understand that literally everyone understands and wants your kid to get the support they are legally entitled to. Believe that no one is acting in bad faith. But schools are often asked to do the impossible with few resources and they literally cannot provide sometimes the level of accommodation that each child needs. If you realize that and approach the relationship as that of a team, you will be doing more to serve your child. You may have to adjust your expectations, and assume good intent. Being angry that your kid is not getting services week one of school is ridiculous. That is not realistic for any school, public or private. You win more flies with honey. Lawyering up the second month into K is setting up your kid to fail at the school.

INCEST? Like are you for real? You have a decent point buried under this vitriol but you have gone off the deep end with this response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Try to get over the emotional "no one likes me or my kid" stuff. Honestly, it's not helping you and keeping you from seeing the bigger picture. I agree with PPs that they are doing you a service right now by denying your kid's education. Start your documentation for private placement. I guarantee you they are already doing it on their side.

OP, is it possible that the school is framing your kid as a huge problem so that they can make the case to higher ups for a different placement? It might wind up helping you get more/better services in the long run.

Agree that you need to officially document the required pickups in some way.

And sadly you need to have DH handle the meetings if you have one. Schools pay way more attention when the man shows up. I hate it but sometimes you have to use that sexism to your family’s advantage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really appreciate this thread.

The feeling of community ostracizing as pp put it is viscerally painful and was shocking to us. It is one of the most basic things since caveman times to want your children to be accepted by your community and seriously I felt like most of the school staff and other parents would have happily left my kid outside to be eaten by sabertooth tigers.

I’m sorry you went through this too. It’s so painful to see other people (in our case it was peers, sports coaches, etc.) who didn’t like dealing with my “difficult” kid. It felt so lonely. My saving grace during that tough K year was other SNs families.

I started going to some of the SNs meetup groups organized through parents at our elementary and talking to parents with older kids who had been through the same thing was so helpful. They told me what to look out for, how their journeys had gone (some had gotten private placement but still had a NT kid at the public), and even just commiseration. And also I feel like we came to know each other’s kids better and see the good side of them, so it was nice to know there is a community out there who can look past your kid’s meltdown and see the struggling child beneath it all. It also made me more empathetic and realize we parents should be giving each other grace because your experience parenting your child is not the same as parenting another child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's important to remember that the teacher probably has another 20-30 other high energy and needy 5 and 6 year old in the class. She additionally has another 80 little kids she also needs to instruct and develop lesson plans for. There are probably 200 parents all demanding that the teacher spend 100 percent of her time with their special child. She probably has no support from her administration.

You are probably not the only parent of a difficult child that is unprepared for kindergarten who is making things difficult for the teacher, which is impacting her ability to teach all the other students. The question is what are you doing to ensure your child can behave and learn in a classroom setting.

What Kindergarten classroom has 100 kids?

It sounds like OP worked hard to prepare her kid for Kindergarten by getting him the services and plans he needs. The school needs to do their job and provide the supports.

Op here. Thank you for acknowledging this.i truly am proud of the IEP he has and it was a massive amount of work. I’m sure it’s possible but where I live, I have never met another family with a kindergartener that came in with an IEP and BIP.

I feel like I have done my part. We’ve already had 2 full neuropsychologist assessments, two FBAs, and of course a ton of evals/follow up by a developmental pediatrician. I’ve shared everything with the school and been super transparent and collaborative with them. My son is also medicated for school.

I am so disappointed that they are providing NONE of what they agreed to in the IEP and when I raise it with them they throw up their hands and say they just don’t have the staff.

Frustrating as that is, it might be time to add in some private services. You can fight and fight. And you can try to hold them accountable and get them to provide compensatory services. But in the meantime unless you do it privately, it doesnt sound like it will happen.

As to people not liking your kid, I didn’t experience that. One of my goals was always to make everyone love my child and want to give him everything he needed and more - and I was successful at this.

This is just super obnoxious. Read the room. Many of us have kids that due to issues from their disabilities have major social issues and difficulties and aren’t “charming” and loved by all. Quit giving yourself credit for making everyone love your kid? Please. It’s not OP’s fault that her child has disabilities that make handling him difficult and do not inspire “love”.

??? PP was helpful. said that in the meantime you may need private help and that needing IEP does not automatically mean the child wont be liked or has behavior issues

She said her goal was to make everyone “love” her child and she was successful in making that happen. For most of us, that goal is impossible, a massive waste of time, and again, we don’t need to be grateful that you let our bad old kid go to school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not violent, not eloping…why would they be calling you to pick him up? It’s not adding up. Why are you being so evasive if you’re not even in the area? We won’t be able to pick out your child from NC or wherever you are.


Public schools literally cannot cover the needs of every kid. If they say they don’t have the staff then they don’t have the staff. I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else you want to hear. Teaching is an insanely difficult job. Especially now.

One other reason for sending him home is that he may be incontinent. (I’m presuming when OP says not violent, he’s not tearing the classroom apart either).

Regardless of the reason, OP has identified problems. But she doesn’t seem to be asking about resolution. Rather than find out when they expect to have therapists for the pullouts and what the plan is if that doesn’t happen, she seems to be digging in saying they have to provide what they clearly can’t.

Also just because a BIP was developed with the current team does not mean it’s one that will work. That’s another thing that OP seems to just be complaining about. It would be more helpful to regroup as a team and revise if it’s not working or unable to be implemented.

I guess what I’m saying is that you can always demand and hire lawyers and the like. But until you actually know the problem and whether there is a solution that can be developed, it’s pretty useless to complain. Of course you might get compensatory services - a few years down the road. But the problem is now.

omg just stfu. the answer to all of these questions is for the SCHOOL to figure it out and to provide the necessary services. OP is AT HOME - she cannot analyze the SCHOOL behavior or come up with a plan for the school. The school has to do that. It’s entirely possible that the child needs a different placement but seriously stfu about mom needing to do more here. this is 100% on the school and the school is failing. whether or not you think the school has a good excuse for failing (lack of resources), the school is failing.

As a parent, you are part of the team that has to make the school experience successful. Recognizing that is one of the reasons I was successful in getting my child what they needed, including a non Mainstream placement.

What OP is doing is the equivalent of banging her head against a wall. If she never figures out the underlying problem, she’s just going to keep banging away and wonder why she’s not getting results. Us BTDT parents do have worthwhile advice and suggestions even if you, PP, don’t like them. And not everyone has the money for a lawyer.

Well the school is still failing. Sure OP needs to be strategic but there’s no reason to tiptoe around it. Sending a kid with a BIP home repeatedly is unacceptable. If OP cannot afford a lawyer look into whether there is an Ombudsman.

Not the PP you’re responding to, but I think if OP is asked to pick her child up she should have it documented as a suspension. Because once her kid is suspended 5x the school has to call a meeting and figure out specific services or potentially private placement that will work (funded by the school system). If she just picks her kid up “off the books” then she is making their job easier without furthering the process for her kid to get help.

If what other posters are saying is true that the teachers/admin are not equipped to provide services for her child, then this needs to be documented for everyone’s sake so that things can proceed onward. Like ok this school cannot help OP’s kid, so let’s find the placement that will. And she shouldn’t have to pay for her kid’s education if the public school cannot accommodate him. The law says they have to find him a place he can have his needs met (in the least restrictive environment, which may not be mainstream public school).

The second best case scenario (aside from the public mainstream class being accommodating) is to get the school in agreement he needs a different placement so OP can fight for funding for that.

Could also request a 1:1

Good point. A case could be made for an aide. OP needs to document, document, document. Use the school’s own apparent admission that they cannot provide appropriate accommodations and services against them. Put it in email. Per our discussion on [date] you indicated that you could no provide X service due to Y. Make all pickups a true suspension.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its really hard to understand the feeling of everyone disliking your kid and basically ostrasicing your family unless you have experienced it yourself.

If you are just an NT, successful, social person who has never had issues with people before, it is a complete shock to see how the world treats your child and you.

That was my point. It is horrifying. The most unkind horrible people were those that pretended to be super progressive and liberal and anti bullying. Mean, evil people. It was startling. Call them on it. I did and do.

These two posters are spot on. Discrimination against people with disabilities is still widespread. I have SN kids and it's isolating. The ignorance regarding children with disabilities and their rights is astounding. I've pulled away from "friends" who (wrongly) believe that the school doesn't have the legal obligations that they in fact do.

OP, keep doing what you're doing advocating for your child. No one who works at the school is on your side. Stay firmly on your kids side and f these nitwits claiming that you should cut the poor sad teacher some slack or bring in treats. No. The school owes your child as a matter of law. You don't need to grovel to get it, and it wouldn't work anyway. If you give the teacher an inch then she'll take a mile.

DP, but I think part of the problem is with current school funding parents all feel like they’re fighting over a limited slices of pie. If your kid is getting “more pie” then others think they’re kid is getting less, and then add in things like watering down gifted services, making class sizes bigger, etc. it creates more of a scarcity mindset. It does bring out some of the ugliness in humanity. But really I think parents should be fighting for disabled kids to get whatever service is needed (1:1, private placement, etc.) which helps all kids in the class. Stop fighting over slices of pie and demand that more pies be baked to help all kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its really hard to understand the feeling of everyone disliking your kid and basically ostrasicing your family unless you have experienced it yourself.

If you are just an NT, successful, social person who has never had issues with people before, it is a complete shock to see how the world treats your child and you.

That was my point. It is horrifying. The most unkind horrible people were those that pretended to be super progressive and liberal and anti bullying. Mean, evil people. It was startling. Call them on it. I did and do.

These two posters are spot on. Discrimination against people with disabilities is still widespread. I have SN kids and it's isolating. The ignorance regarding children with disabilities and their rights is astounding. I've pulled away from "friends" who (wrongly) believe that the school doesn't have the legal obligations that they in fact do.

OP, keep doing what you're doing advocating for your child. No one who works at the school is on your side. Stay firmly on your kids side and f these nitwits claiming that you should cut the poor sad teacher some slack or bring in treats. No. The school owes your child as a matter of law. You don't need to grovel to get it, and it wouldn't work anyway. If you give the teacher an inch then she'll take a mile.

DP, but I think part of the problem is with current school funding parents all feel like they’re fighting over a limited slices of pie. If your kid is getting “more pie” then others think they’re kid is getting less, and then add in things like watering down gifted services, making class sizes bigger, etc. it creates more of a scarcity mindset. It does bring out some of the ugliness in humanity. But really I think parents should be fighting for disabled kids to get whatever service is needed (1:1, private placement, etc.) which helps all kids in the class. Stop fighting over slices of pie and demand that more pies be baked to help all kids.

Ugh excuse grammar mistakes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not violent, not eloping…why would they be calling you to pick him up? It’s not adding up. Why are you being so evasive if you’re not even in the area? We won’t be able to pick out your child from NC or wherever you are.


Public schools literally cannot cover the needs of every kid. If they say they don’t have the staff then they don’t have the staff. I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else you want to hear. Teaching is an insanely difficult job. Especially now.

One other reason for sending him home is that he may be incontinent. (I’m presuming when OP says not violent, he’s not tearing the classroom apart either).

Regardless of the reason, OP has identified problems. But she doesn’t seem to be asking about resolution. Rather than find out when they expect to have therapists for the pullouts and what the plan is if that doesn’t happen, she seems to be digging in saying they have to provide what they clearly can’t.

Also just because a BIP was developed with the current team does not mean it’s one that will work. That’s another thing that OP seems to just be complaining about. It would be more helpful to regroup as a team and revise if it’s not working or unable to be implemented.

I guess what I’m saying is that you can always demand and hire lawyers and the like. But until you actually know the problem and whether there is a solution that can be developed, it’s pretty useless to complain. Of course you might get compensatory services - a few years down the road. But the problem is now.

omg just stfu. the answer to all of these questions is for the SCHOOL to figure it out and to provide the necessary services. OP is AT HOME - she cannot analyze the SCHOOL behavior or come up with a plan for the school. The school has to do that. It’s entirely possible that the child needs a different placement but seriously stfu about mom needing to do more here. this is 100% on the school and the school is failing. whether or not you think the school has a good excuse for failing (lack of resources), the school is failing.

As a parent, you are part of the team that has to make the school experience successful. Recognizing that is one of the reasons I was successful in getting my child what they needed, including a non Mainstream placement.

What OP is doing is the equivalent of banging her head against a wall. If she never figures out the underlying problem, she’s just going to keep banging away and wonder why she’s not getting results. Us BTDT parents do have worthwhile advice and suggestions even if you, PP, don’t like them. And not everyone has the money for a lawyer.

Well the school is still failing. Sure OP needs to be strategic but there’s no reason to tiptoe around it. Sending a kid with a BIP home repeatedly is unacceptable. If OP cannot afford a lawyer look into whether there is an Ombudsman.

Not the PP you’re responding to, but I think if OP is asked to pick her child up she should have it documented as a suspension. Because once her kid is suspended 5x the school has to call a meeting and figure out specific services or potentially private placement that will work (funded by the school system). If she just picks her kid up “off the books” then she is making their job easier without furthering the process for her kid to get help.

If what other posters are saying is true that the teachers/admin are not equipped to provide services for her child, then this needs to be documented for everyone’s sake so that things can proceed onward. Like ok this school cannot help OP’s kid, so let’s find the placement that will. And she shouldn’t have to pay for her kid’s education if the public school cannot accommodate him. The law says they have to find him a place he can have his needs met (in the least restrictive environment, which may not be mainstream public school).

The second best case scenario (aside from the public mainstream class being accommodating) is to get the school in agreement he needs a different placement so OP can fight for funding for that.

Could also request a 1:1

Good point. A case could be made for an aide. OP needs to document, document, document. Use the school’s own apparent admission that they cannot provide appropriate accommodations and services against them. Put it in email. Per our discussion on [date] you indicated that you could no provide X service due to Y. Make all pickups a true suspension.

Where is the school getting the funding for another aide or for 1:1 or are you just going to remove that from another kid whose mom isn't as loud or maybe the kids with IEPs can get crammed into larger classes to free up another FTE for your kid.

Dude, dim one. That’s not OP’s problem. That’s the school’s problem. You don’t get to tell people who lose hands on equipment at work to suck it up and not advocate because other people might lose their jobs. Try to understand how this all works. It does suck for kids whose parents don’t advocate. That doesn’t mean we all have to be those parents. This isn’t the lowest common denominator and parents are the most invested in their children’s outcome. If your heart bleeds for these other kids, donate money to a non profit, pay for a legal fund.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not violent, not eloping…why would they be calling you to pick him up? It’s not adding up. Why are you being so evasive if you’re not even in the area? We won’t be able to pick out your child from NC or wherever you are.


Public schools literally cannot cover the needs of every kid. If they say they don’t have the staff then they don’t have the staff. I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else you want to hear. Teaching is an insanely difficult job. Especially now.

One other reason for sending him home is that he may be incontinent. (I’m presuming when OP says not violent, he’s not tearing the classroom apart either).

Regardless of the reason, OP has identified problems. But she doesn’t seem to be asking about resolution. Rather than find out when they expect to have therapists for the pullouts and what the plan is if that doesn’t happen, she seems to be digging in saying they have to provide what they clearly can’t.

Also just because a BIP was developed with the current team does not mean it’s one that will work. That’s another thing that OP seems to just be complaining about. It would be more helpful to regroup as a team and revise if it’s not working or unable to be implemented.

I guess what I’m saying is that you can always demand and hire lawyers and the like. But until you actually know the problem and whether there is a solution that can be developed, it’s pretty useless to complain. Of course you might get compensatory services - a few years down the road. But the problem is now.

omg just stfu. the answer to all of these questions is for the SCHOOL to figure it out and to provide the necessary services. OP is AT HOME - she cannot analyze the SCHOOL behavior or come up with a plan for the school. The school has to do that. It’s entirely possible that the child needs a different placement but seriously stfu about mom needing to do more here. this is 100% on the school and the school is failing. whether or not you think the school has a good excuse for failing (lack of resources), the school is failing.

As a parent, you are part of the team that has to make the school experience successful. Recognizing that is one of the reasons I was successful in getting my child what they needed, including a non Mainstream placement.

What OP is doing is the equivalent of banging her head against a wall. If she never figures out the underlying problem, she’s just going to keep banging away and wonder why she’s not getting results. Us BTDT parents do have worthwhile advice and suggestions even if you, PP, don’t like them. And not everyone has the money for a lawyer.

Well the school is still failing. Sure OP needs to be strategic but there’s no reason to tiptoe around it. Sending a kid with a BIP home repeatedly is unacceptable. If OP cannot afford a lawyer look into whether there is an Ombudsman.

Not the PP you’re responding to, but I think if OP is asked to pick her child up she should have it documented as a suspension. Because once her kid is suspended 5x the school has to call a meeting and figure out specific services or potentially private placement that will work (funded by the school system). If she just picks her kid up “off the books” then she is making their job easier without furthering the process for her kid to get help.

If what other posters are saying is true that the teachers/admin are not equipped to provide services for her child, then this needs to be documented for everyone’s sake so that things can proceed onward. Like ok this school cannot help OP’s kid, so let’s find the placement that will. And she shouldn’t have to pay for her kid’s education if the public school cannot accommodate him. The law says they have to find him a place he can have his needs met (in the least restrictive environment, which may not be mainstream public school).

The second best case scenario (aside from the public mainstream class being accommodating) is to get the school in agreement he needs a different placement so OP can fight for funding for that.

Could also request a 1:1

Good point. A case could be made for an aide. OP needs to document, document, document. Use the school’s own apparent admission that they cannot provide appropriate accommodations and services against them. Put it in email. Per our discussion on [date] you indicated that you could no provide X service due to Y. Make all pickups a true suspension.

Where is the school getting the funding for another aide or for 1:1 or are you just going to remove that from another kid whose mom isn't as loud or maybe the kids with IEPs can get crammed into larger classes to free up another FTE for your kid.

The school needs to push the issue of funding up the chain. I’m in Arlington and we have a bloated Taj Majal full of year round employees. Perhaps they can get rid of some of those FTEs to put more people in schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not violent, not eloping…why would they be calling you to pick him up? It’s not adding up. Why are you being so evasive if you’re not even in the area? We won’t be able to pick out your child from NC or wherever you are.


Public schools literally cannot cover the needs of every kid. If they say they don’t have the staff then they don’t have the staff. I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else you want to hear. Teaching is an insanely difficult job. Especially now.

One other reason for sending him home is that he may be incontinent. (I’m presuming when OP says not violent, he’s not tearing the classroom apart either).

Regardless of the reason, OP has identified problems. But she doesn’t seem to be asking about resolution. Rather than find out when they expect to have therapists for the pullouts and what the plan is if that doesn’t happen, she seems to be digging in saying they have to provide what they clearly can’t.

Also just because a BIP was developed with the current team does not mean it’s one that will work. That’s another thing that OP seems to just be complaining about. It would be more helpful to regroup as a team and revise if it’s not working or unable to be implemented.

I guess what I’m saying is that you can always demand and hire lawyers and the like. But until you actually know the problem and whether there is a solution that can be developed, it’s pretty useless to complain. Of course you might get compensatory services - a few years down the road. But the problem is now.

omg just stfu. the answer to all of these questions is for the SCHOOL to figure it out and to provide the necessary services. OP is AT HOME - she cannot analyze the SCHOOL behavior or come up with a plan for the school. The school has to do that. It’s entirely possible that the child needs a different placement but seriously stfu about mom needing to do more here. this is 100% on the school and the school is failing. whether or not you think the school has a good excuse for failing (lack of resources), the school is failing.

As a parent, you are part of the team that has to make the school experience successful. Recognizing that is one of the reasons I was successful in getting my child what they needed, including a non Mainstream placement.

What OP is doing is the equivalent of banging her head against a wall. If she never figures out the underlying problem, she’s just going to keep banging away and wonder why she’s not getting results. Us BTDT parents do have worthwhile advice and suggestions even if you, PP, don’t like them. And not everyone has the money for a lawyer.

Well the school is still failing. Sure OP needs to be strategic but there’s no reason to tiptoe around it. Sending a kid with a BIP home repeatedly is unacceptable. If OP cannot afford a lawyer look into whether there is an Ombudsman.

Not the PP you’re responding to, but I think if OP is asked to pick her child up she should have it documented as a suspension. Because once her kid is suspended 5x the school has to call a meeting and figure out specific services or potentially private placement that will work (funded by the school system). If she just picks her kid up “off the books” then she is making their job easier without furthering the process for her kid to get help.

If what other posters are saying is true that the teachers/admin are not equipped to provide services for her child, then this needs to be documented for everyone’s sake so that things can proceed onward. Like ok this school cannot help OP’s kid, so let’s find the placement that will. And she shouldn’t have to pay for her kid’s education if the public school cannot accommodate him. The law says they have to find him a place he can have his needs met (in the least restrictive environment, which may not be mainstream public school).

The second best case scenario (aside from the public mainstream class being accommodating) is to get the school in agreement he needs a different placement so OP can fight for funding for that.

Could also request a 1:1

Good point. A case could be made for an aide. OP needs to document, document, document. Use the school’s own apparent admission that they cannot provide appropriate accommodations and services against them. Put it in email. Per our discussion on [date] you indicated that you could no provide X service due to Y. Make all pickups a true suspension.

Where is the school getting the funding for another aide or for 1:1 or are you just going to remove that from another kid whose mom isn't as loud or maybe the kids with IEPs can get crammed into larger classes to free up another FTE for your kid.

GO AWAY. Kids with disabilities deserve what they're legally entitled to. You also have no idea what you're talking about. 1:1s aren't teachers, so your precious Larlo is not going to have a larger class size due to someone else having a dedicated aid. Get lost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Its really hard to understand the feeling of everyone disliking your kid and basically ostrasicing your family unless you have experienced it yourself.

If you are just an NT, successful, social person who has never had issues with people before, it is a complete shock to see how the world treats your child and you.

That was my point. It is horrifying. The most unkind horrible people were those that pretended to be super progressive and liberal and anti bullying. Mean, evil people. It was startling. Call them on it. I did and do.

These two posters are spot on. Discrimination against people with disabilities is still widespread. I have SN kids and it's isolating. The ignorance regarding children with disabilities and their rights is astounding. I've pulled away from "friends" who (wrongly) believe that the school doesn't have the legal obligations that they in fact do.

OP, keep doing what you're doing advocating for your child. No one who works at the school is on your side. Stay firmly on your kids side and f these nitwits claiming that you should cut the poor sad teacher some slack or bring in treats. No. The school owes your child as a matter of law. You don't need to grovel to get it, and it wouldn't work anyway. If you give the teacher an inch then she'll take a mile.

DP, but I think part of the problem is with current school funding parents all feel like they’re fighting over a limited slices of pie. If your kid is getting “more pie” then others think they’re kid is getting less, and then add in things like watering down gifted services, making class sizes bigger, etc. it creates more of a scarcity mindset. It does bring out some of the ugliness in humanity. But really I think parents should be fighting for disabled kids to get whatever service is needed (1:1, private placement, etc.) which helps all kids in the class. Stop fighting over slices of pie and demand that more pies be baked to help all kids.

The NT kids are getting an appropriate education for reading, math etc. plus other things the school decides to improve while my SN kids aren't even getting an appropriate education for reading or math. So the NT kids are already getting a larger slice of the pie.

Some parents are just ignorant. They "feel" like parents of SN kids should be responsible for things that the school is legally responsible for. The teachers only care about their own workload and truly don't care about your kids. They gaslight parents by saying oh your kid is so sweet or some other bs to make you go away happy without advocating for your child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not violent, not eloping…why would they be calling you to pick him up? It’s not adding up. Why are you being so evasive if you’re not even in the area? We won’t be able to pick out your child from NC or wherever you are.


Public schools literally cannot cover the needs of every kid. If they say they don’t have the staff then they don’t have the staff. I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else you want to hear. Teaching is an insanely difficult job. Especially now.

One other reason for sending him home is that he may be incontinent. (I’m presuming when OP says not violent, he’s not tearing the classroom apart either).

Regardless of the reason, OP has identified problems. But she doesn’t seem to be asking about resolution. Rather than find out when they expect to have therapists for the pullouts and what the plan is if that doesn’t happen, she seems to be digging in saying they have to provide what they clearly can’t.

Also just because a BIP was developed with the current team does not mean it’s one that will work. That’s another thing that OP seems to just be complaining about. It would be more helpful to regroup as a team and revise if it’s not working or unable to be implemented.

I guess what I’m saying is that you can always demand and hire lawyers and the like. But until you actually know the problem and whether there is a solution that can be developed, it’s pretty useless to complain. Of course you might get compensatory services - a few years down the road. But the problem is now.

omg just stfu. the answer to all of these questions is for the SCHOOL to figure it out and to provide the necessary services. OP is AT HOME - she cannot analyze the SCHOOL behavior or come up with a plan for the school. The school has to do that. It’s entirely possible that the child needs a different placement but seriously stfu about mom needing to do more here. this is 100% on the school and the school is failing. whether or not you think the school has a good excuse for failing (lack of resources), the school is failing.

As a parent, you are part of the team that has to make the school experience successful. Recognizing that is one of the reasons I was successful in getting my child what they needed, including a non Mainstream placement.

What OP is doing is the equivalent of banging her head against a wall. If she never figures out the underlying problem, she’s just going to keep banging away and wonder why she’s not getting results. Us BTDT parents do have worthwhile advice and suggestions even if you, PP, don’t like them. And not everyone has the money for a lawyer.

Well the school is still failing. Sure OP needs to be strategic but there’s no reason to tiptoe around it. Sending a kid with a BIP home repeatedly is unacceptable. If OP cannot afford a lawyer look into whether there is an Ombudsman.

Not the PP you’re responding to, but I think if OP is asked to pick her child up she should have it documented as a suspension. Because once her kid is suspended 5x the school has to call a meeting and figure out specific services or potentially private placement that will work (funded by the school system). If she just picks her kid up “off the books” then she is making their job easier without furthering the process for her kid to get help.

If what other posters are saying is true that the teachers/admin are not equipped to provide services for her child, then this needs to be documented for everyone’s sake so that things can proceed onward. Like ok this school cannot help OP’s kid, so let’s find the placement that will. And she shouldn’t have to pay for her kid’s education if the public school cannot accommodate him. The law says they have to find him a place he can have his needs met (in the least restrictive environment, which may not be mainstream public school).

The second best case scenario (aside from the public mainstream class being accommodating) is to get the school in agreement he needs a different placement so OP can fight for funding for that.

Could also request a 1:1

Good point. A case could be made for an aide. OP needs to document, document, document. Use the school’s own apparent admission that they cannot provide appropriate accommodations and services against them. Put it in email. Per our discussion on [date] you indicated that you could no provide X service due to Y. Make all pickups a true suspension.

Where is the school getting the funding for another aide or for 1:1 or are you just going to remove that from another kid whose mom isn't as loud or maybe the kids with IEPs can get crammed into larger classes to free up another FTE for your kid.

Dude, dim one. That’s not OP’s problem. That’s the school’s problem. You don’t get to tell people who lose hands on equipment at work to suck it up and not advocate because other people might lose their jobs. Try to understand how this all works. It does suck for kids whose parents don’t advocate. That doesn’t mean we all have to be those parents. This isn’t the lowest common denominator and parents are the most invested in their children’s outcome. If your heart bleeds for these other kids, donate money to a non profit, pay for a legal fund.

+1 Exactly! Maybe the PTA can fund services so every child can read instead of their latest fundraising for some stupid teacher appreciation initiative.

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry OP. It truly feels awful when you feel like school admin and teachers don't like your child. Both my kids had IEPs but had vastly different experiences. I pulled one of my children out of public school and they now do an online school (middle school aged) because the schools were not interested in helping my child.

It is an incredibly broken system with limited resources and is essentially a zero sum game. The best thing you can do it not to take it personally and keep advocating for your child. But also, any therapy or intervention that can be done privately and not at school, do privately if at all possible. You will get vastly better results. Press the school only for things that absolutely need to be done at school (i.e. accommodations, special education placement). Overall, we expect way too much from schools and they simply can't do it all. You can fight, you can have it in an IEP, you can quote the law, and you can be right, but there is a bottom line reality (lack of resources) that will always prevail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it’s time for a lawyer. While some excuses may be made for not following the IEP correctly, there is no reason why the school would not be able to provide related services. That’s outrageous.

This. And the posters saying “but they can’t! Teachers are in an impossible position! Stop complaining! Bring treats!” - your interests do not align with OP’s or her child’s. And you seem to have absolutely no understanding of how change is achieved when there are laws in place, funding set based on how those laws are applied, and stakes in not giving children services. Change is achieved by taking legal action at this point in time with the legal framework in place. You may not like it because it impacts you in the short term. It’s like people who don’t want people to sue based on work place injuries because other people will lose their jobs. Structural change is done this way. OP, advocate for your child. The real answer is however - and the reason people do not do it this way - is that it is cheaper and so much faster to find a good private school. That is what we did for K. My kid also wasn’t violent or eloping but extremely defiant, hyper, mildly intellectually disabled. It was a disaster in pre k and I saw the writing on the wall. In your case I think it depends on what change is available which is why you need to consult with a lawyer. Build a case for private placement perhaps. If your child has medical health issues, it may be much easier. Sending him home every day might possibly support a case for a one on one as may a condition like epilepsy. Figure out all your options. Look into privates. Look into homeschooling. Understanding what you can do is empowering.

Don’t you realize how many SN parents do this? They ask stretched public schools who literally don’t sometimes have the funds for adequate supplies, paper, etc and are dealing with ratios of 1:30, insane standards, kids with numerous behavioral
problems and social emotional
Issues the level of which you have no idea (domestic violence, kids who are victims of incest, kids whose parents are addicts, etc) for excessive levels of support they literally cannot provide because schools aren’t funded properly. It’s a lose lose situation for all. It turns the relationship contentious, and then it turns your kid into even more of a problem child than they already are.

Understand that literally everyone understands and wants your kid to get the support they are legally entitled to. Believe that no one is acting in bad faith. But schools are often asked to do the impossible with few resources and they literally cannot provide sometimes the level of accommodation that each child needs. If you realize that and approach the relationship as that of a team, you will be doing more to serve your child. You may have to adjust your expectations, and assume good intent. Being angry that your kid is not getting services week one of school is ridiculous. That is not realistic for any school, public or private. You win more flies with honey. Lawyering up the second month into K is setting up your kid to fail at the school.

I’m going to start flagging your comments for deletion. OP says it has been FIVE weeks with no related services and the school is kicking her child out repeatedly. The school is failing BADLY. Whether or not it’s because they don’t have the resources is irrelevant. Unless you have a practical suggestion go away. This is not the uwu we wuv teachers! board.

Is your name Jeff? No? Then zip it and take a seat. No one appointed you board monitor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not violent, not eloping…why would they be calling you to pick him up? It’s not adding up. Why are you being so evasive if you’re not even in the area? We won’t be able to pick out your child from NC or wherever you are.


Public schools literally cannot cover the needs of every kid. If they say they don’t have the staff then they don’t have the staff. I’m sorry, but I don’t know what else you want to hear. Teaching is an insanely difficult job. Especially now.

One other reason for sending him home is that he may be incontinent. (I’m presuming when OP says not violent, he’s not tearing the classroom apart either).

Regardless of the reason, OP has identified problems. But she doesn’t seem to be asking about resolution. Rather than find out when they expect to have therapists for the pullouts and what the plan is if that doesn’t happen, she seems to be digging in saying they have to provide what they clearly can’t.

Also just because a BIP was developed with the current team does not mean it’s one that will work. That’s another thing that OP seems to just be complaining about. It would be more helpful to regroup as a team and revise if it’s not working or unable to be implemented.

I guess what I’m saying is that you can always demand and hire lawyers and the like. But until you actually know the problem and whether there is a solution that can be developed, it’s pretty useless to complain. Of course you might get compensatory services - a few years down the road. But the problem is now.

omg just stfu. the answer to all of these questions is for the SCHOOL to figure it out and to provide the necessary services. OP is AT HOME - she cannot analyze the SCHOOL behavior or come up with a plan for the school. The school has to do that. It’s entirely possible that the child needs a different placement but seriously stfu about mom needing to do more here. this is 100% on the school and the school is failing. whether or not you think the school has a good excuse for failing (lack of resources), the school is failing.

As a parent, you are part of the team that has to make the school experience successful. Recognizing that is one of the reasons I was successful in getting my child what they needed, including a non Mainstream placement.

What OP is doing is the equivalent of banging her head against a wall. If she never figures out the underlying problem, she’s just going to keep banging away and wonder why she’s not getting results. Us BTDT parents do have worthwhile advice and suggestions even if you, PP, don’t like them. And not everyone has the money for a lawyer.

Well the school is still failing. Sure OP needs to be strategic but there’s no reason to tiptoe around it. Sending a kid with a BIP home repeatedly is unacceptable. If OP cannot afford a lawyer look into whether there is an Ombudsman.

Not the PP you’re responding to, but I think if OP is asked to pick her child up she should have it documented as a suspension. Because once her kid is suspended 5x the school has to call a meeting and figure out specific services or potentially private placement that will work (funded by the school system). If she just picks her kid up “off the books” then she is making their job easier without furthering the process for her kid to get help.

If what other posters are saying is true that the teachers/admin are not equipped to provide services for her child, then this needs to be documented for everyone’s sake so that things can proceed onward. Like ok this school cannot help OP’s kid, so let’s find the placement that will. And she shouldn’t have to pay for her kid’s education if the public school cannot accommodate him. The law says they have to find him a place he can have his needs met (in the least restrictive environment, which may not be mainstream public school).

The second best case scenario (aside from the public mainstream class being accommodating) is to get the school in agreement he needs a different placement so OP can fight for funding for that.

Could also request a 1:1

Good point. A case could be made for an aide. OP needs to document, document, document. Use the school’s own apparent admission that they cannot provide appropriate accommodations and services against them. Put it in email. Per our discussion on [date] you indicated that you could no provide X service due to Y. Make all pickups a true suspension.

Where is the school getting the funding for another aide or for 1:1 or are you just going to remove that from another kid whose mom isn't as loud or maybe the kids with IEPs can get crammed into larger classes to free up another FTE for your kid.

Dude, dim one. That’s not OP’s problem. That’s the school’s problem. You don’t get to tell people who lose hands on equipment at work to suck it up and not advocate because other people might lose their jobs. Try to understand how this all works. It does suck for kids whose parents don’t advocate. That doesn’t mean we all have to be those parents. This isn’t the lowest common denominator and parents are the most invested in their children’s outcome. If your heart bleeds for these other kids, donate money to a non profit, pay for a legal fund.

OP's asking if their kids isn't liked, they're your answer