Wife is not a good sham

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, let me get this right:

Toddler is in day care 3 days a week, all day?
You have a nanny half days 5 days a week?
Groceries are delivered?
Cleaning person once every two weeks?

For a SAHM this sounds like a dream. She doesn’t like being a SAHM so she should go back to work so get a full time nanny and cleaning person weekly.

OP here. Yes. We lucked out with a great nanny who also handles kid laundry weekly and helps with clean up.

My wife isn’t some lazy, uninvolved parent. She is involved, but I feel like she could do more based on the level of help we have.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR WIFE’S BOSS. It seems like you feel like you are entitled to having her work more around the house as if you paid her. If there’s something specific you think needs to be done, or if you cannot afford all the childcare, that’s one thing. But to just take the attitude that she is not “doing enough” is super gross. She basically gets per your description nine hours a week when she has no childcare responsibilities, then she is on call the rest of the time. She gave birth six months ago. You really sound like a massive tool.

OP here. I never said I was her boss nor do I act like I am. We are partners. We both have responsibilities. She chose to be a SAHM. I work hard to provide for my family. We both need to pull our weight. I feel I pull more weight. If I stayed at home, I would fully expect to take on 90% of the childcare and household responsibilities.

You are, actually, the nanny’s boss. Can you ask her to take over some of the cooking/picking up toys?

OP here. Our nanny is gone by 12:30 3 days and week and 4pm two days a week. She cooks lunch for both kids each day and cleans up during their nap time from 12-2. She does their laundry as well each week. The house is wrecked once the kids wake up from their nap from play, dinner, and bedtime routines.

I don’t feel it’s our nanny's job to prepare dinner for our family ( she leaves too early anyway). She is a nanny, not a chef.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol The fact that you think your mother was super happy raising four children on her own without any help makes me think that you are completely delusional

Look, young children are an emotional and spiritual black hole. Dealing with them will take everything you have and then some. Yes they are cute and delightful but it is grueling, the endless day after day of mind numbing boredom punctuated by irrational shrieking.

If this is not a troll, go ahead and tank your marriage by complaining to your wife that she isn’t pulling her weight!! She probably does so much stuff that you do not even notice. You spend your days dwelling in the world of adults. You do not understand and it is clear that you do not understand.

OP here. My mom did love raising us. She chose to quit her career and has said many times throughout my life that being able to raise her kids is her greatest blessing. Two of my SIL struggled with the idea of staying home and she shared how raising kids was more fulfilling than any career. I’m not saying kids aren’t hard and that it’s always easy. Some women do love and enjoy it.

I didn’t my wife be a SAHM. I recognized her hard work in her career and never thought she would choose to be a SAHM. She made this decision on her own. I’m grateful for her sacrifice.

Definitely a troll

OP here. Are you that hardheaded that you can’t fathom a woman who enjoys being home? I’m sure a couple of them do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope she divorces you. She's not even 9 months postpartum, and you're whining about how she has to cook more for you, a grown man.

Cry to your mama about it, hire a chef, and leave the poor woman alone! She sounds like an excellent mom, even though you think she's a bad servant to you.

@sshole.

OP here. I work to provide for her. We both have a “ job” to do. I cook for her most of she meals.

You are not her boss. Period. If you somehow thought that agreeing to her staying at home made you her boss, think again. You are not entitled to the level of service you think your friends get. You honestly seem more upset that she does less than your friends’ wives than you have any specific issue about the house or finances.

[Anonymous]

Guy with SAHM wife here with my own perspective.

From my perspective, the most important part of being a SAHM is being a loving, involved mom. That takes many forms, but some basics are obvious to most people. If she's doing that, you are a lucky man, and your kids are lucky kids.

The rest of it is extra. It's reasonable to talk about the division of labor on other things. With kids in that age range, you are no doubt underestimating the time and exhaustion. Keep that in mind. Otherwise, raise your dinner issue and say that you want to come up with a plan for healthy, home cooked dinners together. Don't tell her that it's her job to come up with a plan. Come up with a plan together.

She might have different views on what makes for a clean house, and there is a spectrum with a wide range of "reasonable" cleanliness. If she's in there and you'd like it more clean, then you might have to clean more or hire someone. If you are going to raise her doing more cleaning, I'd wait until the kids are much older.

You say that you are grateful, but your post has an undercurrent of resentment that she's somehow taking the easy way out. I'd resist that because (a) it is very hard work, at those ages especially, and (b) in my view, your kids benefit enormously from her staying home to care for them. Focus on the positives.

[Anonymous]

I have been a WOHM, a SAHM, and something in the middle.

OP - I don't think you are crazy. Your wife is doing SAHM on easy mode, and still struggling, so I think the question you need to ask is why.

Is she depressed? Does she regret the second baby?

I disagree with the others that you are asking too much. Your kids sleep through the night consistently, and she's really only doing the parenting piece for half of a day on any day at all.

So the question is, given that this is actually pretty unusual, what else is going on?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol The fact that you think your mother was super happy raising four children on her own without any help makes me think that you are completely delusional

Look, young children are an emotional and spiritual black hole. Dealing with them will take everything you have and then some. Yes they are cute and delightful but it is grueling, the endless day after day of mind numbing boredom punctuated by irrational shrieking.

If this is not a troll, go ahead and tank your marriage by complaining to your wife that she isn’t pulling her weight!! She probably does so much stuff that you do not even notice. You spend your days dwelling in the world of adults. You do not understand and it is clear that you do not understand.

OP here. My mom did love raising us. She chose to quit her career and has said many times throughout my life that being able to raise her kids is her greatest blessing. Two of my SIL struggled with the idea of staying home and she shared how raising kids was more fulfilling than any career. I’m not saying kids aren’t hard and that it’s always easy. Some women do love and enjoy it.

I didn’t my wife be a SAHM. I recognized her hard work in her career and never thought she would choose to be a SAHM. She made this decision on her own. I’m grateful for her sacrifice.

You know what’s going to make your wife unfulfilled and unhappy? You complaining she doesn’t do enough housework and cooking. Do you think her work ethic and interest in cooking suddenly evaporated? No, what happened, you giant d*ckheah, is that she has an infant and a toddler and is exhausted. For the love of god stop comparing her to other Stepford wives in your head.

+1 women really love being compared to the MIls.

OP here's a challenge for you take a week off from work and switch roles with your wife, and then come back and tell us how it went.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been a WOHM, a SAHM, and something in the middle.

OP - I don't think you are crazy. Your wife is doing SAHM on easy mode, and still struggling, so I think the question you need to ask is why.

Is she depressed? Does she regret the second baby?

I disagree with the others that you are asking too much. Your kids sleep through the night consistently, and she's really only doing the parenting piece for half of a day on any day at all.

So the question is, given that this is actually pretty unusual, what else is going on?

Oh yeas superwomen pick me always willing to throw another woman under the bus to crow about how great she is and get pats on the head from a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol The fact that you think your mother was super happy raising four children on her own without any help makes me think that you are completely delusional

Look, young children are an emotional and spiritual black hole. Dealing with them will take everything you have and then some. Yes they are cute and delightful but it is grueling, the endless day after day of mind numbing boredom punctuated by irrational shrieking.

If this is not a troll, go ahead and tank your marriage by complaining to your wife that she isn’t pulling her weight!! She probably does so much stuff that you do not even notice. You spend your days dwelling in the world of adults. You do not understand and it is clear that you do not understand.

OP here. My mom did love raising us. She chose to quit her career and has said many times throughout my life that being able to raise her kids is her greatest blessing. Two of my SIL struggled with the idea of staying home and she shared how raising kids was more fulfilling than any career. I’m not saying kids aren’t hard and that it’s always easy. Some women do love and enjoy it.

I didn’t my wife be a SAHM. I recognized her hard work in her career and never thought she would choose to be a SAHM. She made this decision on her own. I’m grateful for her sacrifice.

You know what’s going to make your wife unfulfilled and unhappy? You complaining she doesn’t do enough housework and cooking. Do you think her work ethic and interest in cooking suddenly evaporated? No, what happened, you giant d*ckheah, is that she has an infant and a toddler and is exhausted. For the love of god stop comparing her to other Stepford wives in your head.

OP here. She get 8-9 hours of sleep a night. She gets to nap and sleep in on the weekends if she wants.

I sleep 6 hours a night between getting up to work out, making breakfast, and getting ready for work. I will sometimes also work after we put the kids to bed.

I don’t complain. I have said I wish I didn’t have to cook dinner so much but her response is “ we can order out.”

You need to fire your nanny and hire a daily housekeeper, OP. Or see if your nanny will function as a housekeeper.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, let me get this right:

Toddler is in day care 3 days a week, all day?
You have a nanny half days 5 days a week?
Groceries are delivered?
Cleaning person once every two weeks?

For a SAHM this sounds like a dream. She doesn’t like being a SAHM so she should go back to work so get a full time nanny and cleaning person weekly.

OP here. Yes. We lucked out with a great nanny who also handles kid laundry weekly and helps with clean up.

My wife isn’t some lazy, uninvolved parent. She is involved, but I feel like she could do more based on the level of help we have.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR WIFE’S BOSS. It seems like you feel like you are entitled to having her work more around the house as if you paid her. If there’s something specific you think needs to be done, or if you cannot afford all the childcare, that’s one thing. But to just take the attitude that she is not “doing enough” is super gross. She basically gets per your description nine hours a week when she has no childcare responsibilities, then she is on call the rest of the time. She gave birth six months ago. You really sound like a massive tool.

OP here. I never said I was her boss nor do I act like I am. We are partners. We both have responsibilities. She chose to be a SAHM. I work hard to provide for my family. We both need to pull our weight. I feel I pull more weight. If I stayed at home, I would fully expect to take on 90% of the childcare and household responsibilities.

You are, actually, the nanny’s boss. Can you ask her to take over some of the cooking/picking up toys?

OP here. Our nanny is gone by 12:30 3 days and week and 4pm two days a week. She cooks lunch for both kids each day and cleans up during their nap time from 12-2. She does their laundry as well each week. The house is wrecked once the kids wake up from their nap from play, dinner, and bedtime routines.

I don’t feel it’s our nanny's job to prepare dinner for our family ( she leaves too early anyway). She is a nanny, not a chef.

and yet … somehow it is your wife’s job to cook, clean and take care of a toddler and baby from 4-6 every night? gtfo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, let me get this right:

Toddler is in day care 3 days a week, all day?
You have a nanny half days 5 days a week?
Groceries are delivered?
Cleaning person once every two weeks?

For a SAHM this sounds like a dream. She doesn’t like being a SAHM so she should go back to work so get a full time nanny and cleaning person weekly.

OP here. Yes. We lucked out with a great nanny who also handles kid laundry weekly and helps with clean up.

My wife isn’t some lazy, uninvolved parent. She is involved, but I feel like she could do more based on the level of help we have.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR WIFE’S BOSS. It seems like you feel like you are entitled to having her work more around the house as if you paid her. If there’s something specific you think needs to be done, or if you cannot afford all the childcare, that’s one thing. But to just take the attitude that she is not “doing enough” is super gross. She basically gets per your description nine hours a week when she has no childcare responsibilities, then she is on call the rest of the time. She gave birth six months ago. You really sound like a massive tool.

OP here. I never said I was her boss nor do I act like I am. We are partners. We both have responsibilities. She chose to be a SAHM. I work hard to provide for my family. We both need to pull our weight. I feel I pull more weight. If I stayed at home, I would fully expect to take on 90% of the childcare and household responsibilities.

You are, actually, the nanny’s boss. Can you ask her to take over some of the cooking/picking up toys?

OP here. Our nanny is gone by 12:30 3 days and week and 4pm two days a week. She cooks lunch for both kids each day and cleans up during their nap time from 12-2. She does their laundry as well each week. The house is wrecked once the kids wake up from their nap from play, dinner, and bedtime routines.

I don’t feel it’s our nanny's job to prepare dinner for our family ( she leaves too early anyway). She is a nanny, not a chef.

You are home at dinner and bedtime so you cleanup.

Okay you don't want to pay for the many to cook or a chef. Fine.

But it's not your wive's responsibility to prepare dinner any more than it is yours. If you don't like how she does it you do it. Period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, let me get this right:

Toddler is in day care 3 days a week, all day?
You have a nanny half days 5 days a week?
Groceries are delivered?
Cleaning person once every two weeks?

For a SAHM this sounds like a dream. She doesn’t like being a SAHM so she should go back to work so get a full time nanny and cleaning person weekly.

OP here. Yes. We lucked out with a great nanny who also handles kid laundry weekly and helps with clean up.

My wife isn’t some lazy, uninvolved parent. She is involved, but I feel like she could do more based on the level of help we have.

YOU ARE NOT YOUR WIFE’S BOSS. It seems like you feel like you are entitled to having her work more around the house as if you paid her. If there’s something specific you think needs to be done, or if you cannot afford all the childcare, that’s one thing. But to just take the attitude that she is not “doing enough” is super gross. She basically gets per your description nine hours a week when she has no childcare responsibilities, then she is on call the rest of the time. She gave birth six months ago. You really sound like a massive tool.

OP here. I never said I was her boss nor do I act like I am. We are partners. We both have responsibilities. She chose to be a SAHM. I work hard to provide for my family. We both need to pull our weight. I feel I pull more weight. If I stayed at home, I would fully expect to take on 90% of the childcare and household responsibilities.

You are, actually, the nanny’s boss. Can you ask her to take over some of the cooking/picking up toys?

OP here. Our nanny is gone by 12:30 3 days and week and 4pm two days a week. She cooks lunch for both kids each day and cleans up during their nap time from 12-2. She does their laundry as well each week. The house is wrecked once the kids wake up from their nap from play, dinner, and bedtime routines.

I don’t feel it’s our nanny's job to prepare dinner for our family ( she leaves too early anyway). She is a nanny, not a chef.

and yet … somehow it is your wife’s job to cook, clean and take care of a toddler and baby from 4-6 every night? gtfo.

+1 This is why I;m largely against SAHMs, it tends to breed very selfish and entitled adult men.

[Anonymous]

How did she feel about her job before she decided to leave? Did she like it?

Staying at home is not the right choice for everyone. That's good! It's good that women who don't love it can choose to work outside the home, and that we no longer force women to stay home once they get married.

[Anonymous]

I’m a SAHM and I appreciate this post for making me feel gratitude for my husband. We’re both deeply flawed, but we don’t police each other like this. He is not my manager, and I am not his.

I think the OP should maybe just get divorced. Then you can hire a nanny and a housekeeper and run your 50% custody how you want.

If you don’t want to make dinner, which you clearly deeply resent, stop! Obviously have a conversation about it. “I’m really tired of making dinner. It’s making me deeply resentful because I feel like I’m doing more than my share. Can you do it for a while?”

She might say yes! Or she might say no, but it has to be better than just sitting there in your own toxicity all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She is a great mom who adores our kids.

A lot of people have taken a lot of time explaining articulately why you are wrong and providing you options to better your situation. Sadly you seem impervious to reason. Suck it up, buttercup.

[Anonymous]

op i have read none of the comments but it's totally fine to post this. I am a working mom and it's absolute bs that she can't handle this stuff or contribute and HUGELY unfair to make one person accountable for all the grind and $$ creation and one person to just do f all.

we both work full time (if not more) and yet still both manage to do the things you describe. better if she goes back to work and you guys get a housekeeper.