Intellectually Pretentious DD

[Anonymous]

I try to teach my kids to read the room. It’s great that she is doing so well in school and it’s awesome that she is proud of herself! You can explain to her there’s a time and place for sharing her accomplishments, and that is with her family. She can tell you all about how she did awesome on her spelling test and finished the math quiz first and is in the highest reading group. Big high five from mom! Hang that math test on the fridge, take an picture and share it with grandparents, let her talk to aunt Larla (for 1-2 mins) about her latest scores. Especially praise the hard work that goes into her accomplishments! But at the same time, explain how it isn’t polite to talk about this stuff to her friends or your adult friends. It could make people feel bad if they/their kid isn’t doing as well, and it’s just rude to brag about things. Especially if no one has asked her about it! And find other things to praise about her besides academics - she was so kind to the new kid on the playground, she tried so hard at soccer even though it was her first season and she didn’t score any goals etc. It’s great to be good at school, but there are lots of other ways to be great.

I also echo what a PP said about it just being that age to brag. I have a 9yo daughter and a lot of her friends have been doing the same as your daughter, and some outright lying for attention. Bragging about first class plane tickets and front row seats and getting the latest Stanley cup and being the best on the travel soccer team etc. Lots and lots of bragging. I was totally insufferable as a child and I seemed to turn it around eventually.

My daughter is somewhat advanced but has pretty low self esteem. She recently was one of only 2 kids in her entire grade to score 100% on a big math test and her teacher emailed me to tell me, and encouraged me to praise her for it. My daughter would never have told me on her own, and these computer tests don’t send papers home. It’s not that is intentionally humble, she just wouldn’t realize that it was a big deal and that it was okay to be proud of herself. She’s SO shy and soft spoken always thinks she isn’t very smart when she really is! I wish she had half of your daughter’s self esteem. So don’t totally quash your daughter’s pride and motivation just to make her more socially palatable!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the haters, lots of snappy and unhappy keyboard warriors out there. Just skim through for the well meaning advice biased on experience. She is a kid, still learning and growing. She needs your cues about boundaries and what is appropriate. She will learn as you teach her.

Yeah, a couple of things:

1.) She may be braggy because it elicits a reaction. You could try not reacting. "Mommy, I'm the only one who got a 100 on the test." "Good job, Larla ... hey, should I make broccoli or green beans to go with our dinner?" "Mommy, can you believe I'm reading Macbeth?" "How is it?" "Whatever she says ..." "Hey, why don't we stop by the library this weekend?"

2.) She's not too young to learn that other kids won't respond well to this. You don't have to be harsh ... just some occasional reminders that she should keep her grades to herself and not worry about how anyone else is doing.

3.) She could, in fact, be a little bored. Make sure she has lots of opportunity for stimulation ... physical and cultural outlets as well as academic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the haters, lots of snappy and unhappy keyboard warriors out there. Just skim through for the well meaning advice biased on experience. She is a kid, still learning and growing. She needs your cues about boundaries and what is appropriate. She will learn as you teach her.

Yeah, a couple of things:

1.) She may be braggy because it elicits a reaction. You could try not reacting. "Mommy, I'm the only one who got a 100 on the test." "Good job, Larla ... hey, should I make broccoli or green beans to go with our dinner?" "Mommy, can you believe I'm reading Macbeth?" "How is it?" "Whatever she says ..." "Hey, why don't we stop by the library this weekend?"

2.) She's not too young to learn that other kids won't respond well to this. You don't have to be harsh ... just some occasional reminders that she should keep her grades to herself and not worry about how anyone else is doing.

3.) She could, in fact, be a little bored. Make sure she has lots of opportunity for stimulation ... physical and cultural outlets as well as academic.

Op here. Thanks, this was the type of feedback I'm looking for. Of course I've told her it's bragging and other people don't like braggarts. We discussed humility.

I also liked the Hermione and other book related ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I try to teach my kids to read the room. It’s great that she is doing so well in school and it’s awesome that she is proud of herself! You can explain to her there’s a time and place for sharing her accomplishments, and that is with her family. She can tell you all about how she did awesome on her spelling test and finished the math quiz first and is in the highest reading group. Big high five from mom! Hang that math test on the fridge, take an picture and share it with grandparents, let her talk to aunt Larla (for 1-2 mins) about her latest scores. Especially praise the hard work that goes into her accomplishments! But at the same time, explain how it isn’t polite to talk about this stuff to her friends or your adult friends. It could make people feel bad if they/their kid isn’t doing as well, and it’s just rude to brag about things. Especially if no one has asked her about it! And find other things to praise about her besides academics - she was so kind to the new kid on the playground, she tried so hard at soccer even though it was her first season and she didn’t score any goals etc. It’s great to be good at school, but there are lots of other ways to be great.

I also echo what a PP said about it just being that age to brag. I have a 9yo daughter and a lot of her friends have been doing the same as your daughter, and some outright lying for attention. Bragging about first class plane tickets and front row seats and getting the latest Stanley cup and being the best on the travel soccer team etc. Lots and lots of bragging. I was totally insufferable as a child and I seemed to turn it around eventually.

My daughter is somewhat advanced but has pretty low self esteem. She recently was one of only 2 kids in her entire grade to score 100% on a big math test and her teacher emailed me to tell me, and encouraged me to praise her for it. My daughter would never have told me on her own, and these computer tests don’t send papers home. It’s not that is intentionally humble, she just wouldn’t realize that it was a big deal and that it was okay to be proud of herself. She’s SO shy and soft spoken always thinks she isn’t very smart when she really is! I wish she had half of your daughter’s self esteem. So don’t totally quash your daughter’s pride and motivation just to make her more socially palatable!

Op. Thank you also. I love that my daughter has good self esteem, but we all have room to grow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else feel like when they watch Gilmore Girls… Paris won’t let up.

Someone needed to tell Paris to knock it off years before the show started. But her character must have had enabling / condoning / praising parents. And no one else could get through to her.

I think OP is doing fine just noticing and looking for a way to curb this. Kid will be fine! There’s a reason a character like Paris is extreme and fictional.

Most kids can be told that it will hurt them socially.

Not exactly the same, but see also the Netflix movie Leo (about the lizard. The little girl is a talkative know it all, not a brag. There’s another girl who does brag too).

And Hermione from HP books.

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ignore the haters, lots of snappy and unhappy keyboard warriors out there. Just skim through for the well meaning advice biased on experience. She is a kid, still learning and growing. She needs your cues about boundaries and what is appropriate. She will learn as you teach her.

Yeah, a couple of things:

1.) She may be braggy because it elicits a reaction. You could try not reacting. "Mommy, I'm the only one who got a 100 on the test." "Good job, Larla ... hey, should I make broccoli or green beans to go with our dinner?" "Mommy, can you believe I'm reading Macbeth?" "How is it?" "Whatever she says ..." "Hey, why don't we stop by the library this weekend?"

2.) She's not too young to learn that other kids won't respond well to this. You don't have to be harsh ... just some occasional reminders that she should keep her grades to herself and not worry about how anyone else is doing.

3.) She could, in fact, be a little bored. Make sure she has lots of opportunity for stimulation ... physical and cultural outlets as well as academic.

This is good advice, especially item one. OP is doing something to encourage and reinforce this behavior, whether she's aware of it or not. OP, start praising your daughter for other things. "I can tell how much you've improved in soccer because of all your hard work" or "You did a great job sharing with your brother." or "It was so responsible of you to put your dishes in the dishwasher."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She has to learn that there are different and equally important ways of being intelligent. And you can start pointing out and praising those other ways to her. Emotional intelligence is one of them. And she has to understand that some kids are more academic while other kids have different ways of excelling. Praise her for other ways of being excellent, and especially praise her for effort, not just because she’s lucky and schoolwork comes easy to her.

why gaslight her though? I guess I don’t have any issues with talking about different kinds of important characteristics. but as conventionally defined she does in fact sound more intelligent than her classmates. it seems psychologically damaging to want to put her in her place and not encourage her to achieve.

Praising a child for effort is not gaslighting. OP's child knows she's smart, but heaping praise on her for this innate attribute over which she has no control is pointless anyway. It's not as if the child will get smarter just by being told, "you're so smart" again and again. That can only lead to conceit, possibly to a lack of resilience. If the child's self-esteem is determined by being the smartest kid in the room, she will fall apart when she isn't, and she won't have other coping skills to draw from. She also won't have the EQ and soft skills that are so valuable today. I can tell you stories of very high IQ people that are not living up to their potential because of lack of social skills and resilience, not because they're not aware that they're smart.

[Anonymous]

Maybe this is mean, but I specifically told my kid he is not special to other people. He is special to me, to grandparents, etc, but strangers and not even his teachers are waiting to drop everything and listen to his every thought with rapt attention. I do lavish him with lots of love and praise, I’ve always told him people generally DGAF and that other kids (and adults) also need a turn to speak/share/play.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is mean, but I specifically told my kid he is not special to other people. He is special to me, to grandparents, etc, but strangers and not even his teachers are waiting to drop everything and listen to his every thought with rapt attention. I do lavish him with lots of love and praise, I’ve always told him people generally DGAF and that other kids (and adults) also need a turn to speak/share/play.

Not mean. Also, consistent with Bluey!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is mean, but I specifically told my kid he is not special to other people. He is special to me, to grandparents, etc, but strangers and not even his teachers are waiting to drop everything and listen to his every thought with rapt attention. I do lavish him with lots of love and praise, I’ve always told him people generally DGAF and that other kids (and adults) also need a turn to speak/share/play.

This is what people have been saying - and the behavior is obnoxious, and so is OP’s
childless white knight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is mean, but I specifically told my kid he is not special to other people. He is special to me, to grandparents, etc, but strangers and not even his teachers are waiting to drop everything and listen to his every thought with rapt attention. I do lavish him with lots of love and praise, I’ve always told him people generally DGAF and that other kids (and adults) also need a turn to speak/share/play.

Op - thanks!

[Anonymous]

What a peculiar VBA

[Anonymous]

Hermione is the smartest and most capable person in HP world and she with 2 friends saves the whole wizarding world, so maybe don't encourage your braggy DD to think she's Hermione

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[quote=Anonymous"I always finish my work the first in the class. I don't know why it takes everyone else so long!"

Some things come faster to some people, while others come slower. Like you're still learning to be polite. Don't worry, you'll get there!

I remember that most people who finished first were too careless/didn't actually know the material and got bad grades.

wishful thinking. I used to finish first and score 100% in elementary school. until I was actually challenged in math in high school, I literally did not have to try.

And now you’re a quant researcher at Two Sigma and make $400K, right?

We're so proud of you, sweetie!

[Anonymous]

Good for you to recognize this OP. I think you just need to (nicely) call her out and interject/correct her every.single.time you hear her being braggadocios, obnoxious, or putting others down/ correcting them. Every time.