DH and I at odds over children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having kids is so overrated, and I love my child. OP, try to think more creatively about life. You promised to love your spouse forever.

Minus 1; could not disagree more. Do you actually have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having kids is so overrated, and I love my child. OP, try to think more creatively about life. You promised to love your spouse forever.

Minus 1; could not disagree more. Do you actually have kids?

Yep, got one. You don't have to agree with everything you read on the internet, y'know. Just putting it out there in case OP is one of those people who likes the idea of kids more than actual kids

[Anonymous]

The best way to remind him is to divorce him. What are you waiting for? He lied to you. Stop wasting your time. He'll be a horrible parent. He can't even communicate effectively with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's DH has every right to change his mind about becoming a father after marriage but then he should include cost of freezing and storing her eggs until she finds a partner who actually knows what he wants and can stick to it.

As far as advice about just stopping birth control goes, that's stupid and fraudulent. It would ruin not one but three lives.

I don’t think she should go off birth control but I do think if he is the one that doesn’t wants children, he should be considering a vasectomy. Most of the options, freezing eggs, staying on birth control every month for something he wants, not her, delaying even more years to see if he changes his mind again to have children moving her to a high risk pregnancy category due to age - it’s putting the burden on her, with little impact on him, for his decision.

Agree about the burden. I was the PP who said she should inform him she's going off BC.

Right now they have the marriage he wants with an active sex life and no kids. She is the one who has the burden of her fertility waning. She has to ask Dh, convince him, gently cajole, and figure out how to remind him to think about his decion. She has the burden of figuring out if he's ever going to agree and if it's worth a divorce, and when to file for divorce. All he has to do is say he's still thinking about it.

If she chooses, openly, to stop taking a medication, which she has every right to do, suddenly the burden is on him. He has to decide if it's worth risking pregnancy when he wants sex. He has to decide on condoms or a vasectomy. A vasectomy is a commitment to deciding not to have children so now he's the one who has to confront his fertility. He's got to decide if he can deal with her plan or if this is worth a divorce, and start looking for an attorney. Or maybe having a kid isn't that bad of a risk afterall. But now he's actually got to take an active part in making a decision.

The problem is what happens next.
What happens when you have a baby with someone who didn’t want one? Will he support you during your pregnancy, be an active co parent, help manage the chores and tasks a child brings, be emotionally attentive to his child? How would this strain impact your marriage? How would a divorce impact a child? There’s so much more to this train of thought than just the pregnancy. It’s the dynamic you are entering into for the next 18 years if a child results from it and whether that’s the road you want to go down, with someone who is not interested in fatherhood.

OK, so he'd be a lame half-assed father like the majority of men I know. Worst case, they divorce, and at least she'd still have a kid. If she divorces now, she could be left with neither a husband or kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's DH has every right to change his mind about becoming a father after marriage but then he should include cost of freezing and storing her eggs until she finds a partner who actually knows what he wants and can stick to it.

As far as advice about just stopping birth control goes, that's stupid and fraudulent. It would ruin not one but three lives.

I don’t think she should go off birth control but I do think if he is the one that doesn’t wants children, he should be considering a vasectomy. Most of the options, freezing eggs, staying on birth control every month for something he wants, not her, delaying even more years to see if he changes his mind again to have children moving her to a high risk pregnancy category due to age - it’s putting the burden on her, with little impact on him, for his decision.

Agree about the burden. I was the PP who said she should inform him she's going off BC.

Right now they have the marriage he wants with an active sex life and no kids. She is the one who has the burden of her fertility waning. She has to ask Dh, convince him, gently cajole, and figure out how to remind him to think about his decion. She has the burden of figuring out if he's ever going to agree and if it's worth a divorce, and when to file for divorce. All he has to do is say he's still thinking about it.

If she chooses, openly, to stop taking a medication, which she has every right to do, suddenly the burden is on him. He has to decide if it's worth risking pregnancy when he wants sex. He has to decide on condoms or a vasectomy. A vasectomy is a commitment to deciding not to have children so now he's the one who has to confront his fertility. He's got to decide if he can deal with her plan or if this is worth a divorce, and start looking for an attorney. Or maybe having a kid isn't that bad of a risk afterall. But now he's actually got to take an active part in making a decision.

The problem is what happens next.
What happens when you have a baby with someone who didn’t want one? Will he support you during your pregnancy, be an active co parent, help manage the chores and tasks a child brings, be emotionally attentive to his child? How would this strain impact your marriage? How would a divorce impact a child? There’s so much more to this train of thought than just the pregnancy. It’s the dynamic you are entering into for the next 18 years if a child results from it and whether that’s the road you want to go down, with someone who is not interested in fatherhood.

OK, so he'd be a lame half-assed father like the majority of men I know. Worst case, they divorce, and at least she'd still have a kid. If she divorces now, she could be left with neither a husband or kid.

She'd have the kid but be tied to that guy for the rest of her life. Freeze eggs and get a sperm donor.

[Anonymous]

OP - I posted something similar in August. There were a lot of helpful comments on it. The script I eventually settled on to have the tough conversation with my husband is towards the end of page 9 I think. It led to a hard but productive conversation.

I hope the thread helps you. https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1150849.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - I posted something similar in August. There were a lot of helpful comments on it. The script I eventually settled on to have the tough conversation with my husband is towards the end of page 9 I think. It led to a hard but productive conversation.

I hope the thread helps you. https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1150849.page

What ended up happening with you and your husband? Are you glad things turned out the way they did, given available options?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having kids is so overrated, and I love my child. OP, try to think more creatively about life. You promised to love your spouse forever.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having kids is so overrated, and I love my child. OP, try to think more creatively about life. You promised to love your spouse forever.

Minus 1; could not disagree more. Do you actually have kids?

Yep, got one. You don't have to agree with everything you read on the internet, y'know. Just putting it out there in case OP is one of those people who likes the idea of kids more than actual kids

PP - you don't really think that everyone is wild about their kids, do you? I mean, I adore my children. But my mother would have absolutely said something much more harsh than "overrated."

[Anonymous]

There is nothing wrong with being open and upfront about pulling birth control. He can handle his seed if he doesn't want kids. Lay the cards out on the table and move forward. He can be in charge of birth control, agree to see what happens or decide to divorce. You have the clock, not him.

It's not insane to stop using birth control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing wrong with being open and upfront about pulling birth control. He can handle his seed if he doesn't want kids. Lay the cards out on the table and move forward. He can be in charge of birth control, agree to see what happens or decide to divorce. You have the clock, not him.

It's not insane to stop using birth control.

It is insane to have children with someone who doesn't want to have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's DH has every right to change his mind about becoming a father after marriage but then he should include cost of freezing and storing her eggs until she finds a partner who actually knows what he wants and can stick to it.

As far as advice about just stopping birth control goes, that's stupid and fraudulent. It would ruin not one but three lives.

I don’t think she should go off birth control but I do think if he is the one that doesn’t wants children, he should be considering a vasectomy. Most of the options, freezing eggs, staying on birth control every month for something he wants, not her, delaying even more years to see if he changes his mind again to have children moving her to a high risk pregnancy category due to age - it’s putting the burden on her, with little impact on him, for his decision.

Totally agree. I can't imagine taking that pill day after day after day while he merrily goes about his life not considering how he blew up our agreed plans for our life. I would never do it without his knowledge but if he's the one who doesn't want to TTC now, he needs to be the one who handles birth control while they continue to discuss it. With a clear end date for the discussion at which point they will divorce if they can't come to mutually acceptable path forward. That could be that she decides the marriage is more important than children so she accepts that they may have a childfree life, it could be they pay for egg freezing so he can continue to dither, or they divorce so she can find a compatible partner or go it alone with a sperm donor. But she's done taking all the responsibility for birth control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing wrong with being open and upfront about pulling birth control. He can handle his seed if he doesn't want kids. Lay the cards out on the table and move forward. He can be in charge of birth control, agree to see what happens or decide to divorce. You have the clock, not him.

It's not insane to stop using birth control.

It is insane to have children with someone who doesn't want to have children.

If he doesn't want children, then he can use condoms or not have sex. But he will be the one who actually has to confront the decision on a regular basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing wrong with being open and upfront about pulling birth control. He can handle his seed if he doesn't want kids. Lay the cards out on the table and move forward. He can be in charge of birth control, agree to see what happens or decide to divorce. You have the clock, not him.

It's not insane to stop using birth control.

It is insane to have children with someone who doesn't want to have children.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's DH has every right to change his mind about becoming a father after marriage but then he should include cost of freezing and storing her eggs until she finds a partner who actually knows what he wants and can stick to it.

As far as advice about just stopping birth control goes, that's stupid and fraudulent. It would ruin not one but three lives.

Freezing eggs is not the answer!! It's clear OP doesn't want to be the granny-mom, like a lot of women here. Quite frankly, I'm surprised anyone wants to be the old mom.

I don’t think she should go off birth control but I do think if he is the one that doesn’t wants children, he should be considering a vasectomy. Most of the options, freezing eggs, staying on birth control every month for something he wants, not her, delaying even more years to see if he changes his mind again to have children moving her to a high risk pregnancy category due to age - it’s putting the burden on her, with little impact on him, for his decision.

Agree about the burden. I was the PP who said she should inform him she's going off BC.

Right now they have the marriage he wants with an active sex life and no kids. She is the one who has the burden of her fertility waning. She has to ask Dh, convince him, gently cajole, and figure out how to remind him to think about his decion. She has the burden of figuring out if he's ever going to agree and if it's worth a divorce, and when to file for divorce. All he has to do is say he's still thinking about it.

If she chooses, openly, to stop taking a medication, which she has every right to do, suddenly the burden is on him. He has to decide if it's worth risking pregnancy when he wants sex. He has to decide on condoms or a vasectomy. A vasectomy is a commitment to deciding not to have children so now he's the one who has to confront his fertility. He's got to decide if he can deal with her plan or if this is worth a divorce, and start looking for an attorney. Or maybe having a kid isn't that bad of a risk afterall. But now he's actually got to take an active part in making a decision.

The problem is what happens next.
What happens when you have a baby with someone who didn’t want one? Will he support you during your pregnancy, be an active co parent, help manage the chores and tasks a child brings, be emotionally attentive to his child? How would this strain impact your marriage? How would a divorce impact a child? There’s so much more to this train of thought than just the pregnancy. It’s the dynamic you are entering into for the next 18 years if a child results from it and whether that’s the road you want to go down, with someone who is not interested in fatherhood.

OK, so he'd be a lame half-assed father like the majority of men I know. Worst case, they divorce, and at least she'd still have a kid. If she divorces now, she could be left with neither a husband or kid.

She'd have the kid but be tied to that guy for the rest of her life. Freeze eggs and get a sperm donor.