Parents- nix these behaviors in your kids before they go to college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another professor here.

Disagree strongly with your email etiquette gripe. Not all kids have the benefit of being born into a family or attending a high school that conveys these skills. As educators, yes, even college educators with precious research agendas, it's our job to convey knowledge but also soft skills. Or at least point students in the right direction and have tolerance and empathy as they learn. It sounds like you teach Freshmen, so you especially should temper the expectation that all students arrive on campus "polished."

Honestly, it's annoying when students are rude and lacking any motivation. But unless every single student you teach is privileged, which how could you know that?, have some empathy and patience and don't assume the worst and be a positive force. Take 5 minutes to talk about these things to get everyone up to speed. THEN you can complain. But asking parents to teach this stuff so you don't have to is ignorant to the fact that not all parents can.

Rant over!

It does not require "privilege" to learn proper email etiquette. This information is now freely available on the internet. Nor does it require "privilege" to have good manners and high motivation. In fact, those without privilege should be even more highly motivated to learn manners and work hard so they can escape their un-privileged condition despite having parents who "can't" teach manners and motivation. Enough with the weaksauce excuses.

If you are not motivated, what are you even doing in college? Just checking the box?

+1 my uneducated blue collar parents taught us to be respectful and have good manners. You don't need wealth to teach those things. That's ridiculous. Oh, and they immigrants who don't speak much English.

+2 - from another who grew up on the wrong side of the tracks, with an immigrant parent

While they may not always be remembered, manners are free and often yield huge benefits. Rudeness, however, is seldom forgotten and often has a high cost.

+3 I'm not a professor, but I've had three college interns every summer for the past decade or so. It's not the immigrants or less privileged young adults whom I've had issues with re: respectful communication, timeliness, professionalism, etc. I mean, there might be a few things that are maybe "tells" that they did not grow up MC or UMC, but almost universally, they are humble, hardworking, accept feedback, and are respectful. And they are really, really trying to do well.

It's the UMC kids of "they don't need to learn to do laundry! They'll figure it out when the time comes! They're too busy with soccer and SAT prep, anyway" mommies who are the ones that immediately come to mind when I read the op's list. These are the folks who have all the resources/privileges they need to make sure their kid is prepared for the professional world, but no. That'd quash their spirits. Or something.

I'm the PP who admits their child needs to learn better email communication skills (this includes the basic - respond to all email in a timely manner). They have done their own laundry for 5 years and has cooked full fledged meals for 7. It's just the digital communication that is a lapse. We did cover some of this in college admissions when we noticed but they refuse to listen to us. They self advocated in MS/HS just fine and is a very successful student. But I think in HS they mostly dealt with communication in person...they use email (including opening email) sparingly. On the flip side - when it comes to looking for jobs - they do it all with online applications vs anything in person until required. This isn't about being privileged - it's lacking some social skills. Some we wish their HS/MS had been more hands-on about and some we have tried to help but are written off by teen as being old fashioned and out of touch. Again - I hope their "old fashioned" and "out of touch" professors finally hold them accountable in an obvious-enough manner so they finally face the consequence and learn the lesson.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear Prof,

I have been working on these and other skills for years with my ADHD/ASD kid.

He will mess up, despite being explicitly taught these things. He's in contact with the disability office and has already asked you for his extended time.

He had high stats and is an academic, intellectual person, which is why your place of employment accepted him. Sorry, but he's always going to be an absent-minded professor type, and his brain is somewhere in the vicinity of Pluto most of the time.

And you know who it hurts most? Not you. HIM. He is destined to go through life with ADHD and ASD and all his social quirks. You've only got to suffer him for your class. He has to suffer himself for life.

Best regards,

Mom.

+1

Dad

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Prof,

I have been working on these and other skills for years with my ADHD/ASD kid.

He will mess up, despite being explicitly taught these things. He's in contact with the disability office and has already asked you for his extended time.

He had high stats and is an academic, intellectual person, which is why your place of employment accepted him. Sorry, but he's always going to be an absent-minded professor type, and his brain is somewhere in the vicinity of Pluto most of the time.

And you know who it hurts most? Not you. HIM. He is destined to go through life with ADHD and ASD and all his social quirks. You've only got to suffer him for your class. He has to suffer himself for life.

Best regards,

Mom.

Oh FFS stop using their disabilities like a crutch. The professor is right and if your poor addled ADHD kids you have probably hovered over and made excuses for and bulldozed a path for over the years can’t meet basic expectations, you failed them.

dp.. obviously, people with ADHD have a harder time, but seriously, you cannot keep using this crutch into the workplace. Your boss won't care that you miss deadlines, and your coworkers won't care if you have adhd when you smell so badly no one wants to be in the conference room with you.

I agree that you cannot keep using those excuses forever, you have to learn to navigate life with the cards you are dealt. However, everyone knows that the human brain is not fully developed until 25-28 and if you have ADHD/EF issues (they go together) then you will "improve" and develop more coping skills as your brain more fully develops. Thus an 18yo who needs some guidance from their parents/others can easily develop into a fully functioning adult by age 24/25 if given the right tools. So those of us who helped our kids develop those tools in ES/MS/HS and begin to let them become more independent know that college is a huge change and that we need to help keep them on track. I'm not talking doing stuff for them, I'm talking about checking in, helping them Role play how to talk to a professor or the dept head or gate keeper about getting the classes they need/changing majors/getting tutoring and studying assistance/etc. Otherwise most kids will get into a funk and just spiral downward---we parents of ADHD/EF kids know that and our goal is to help them, not do it for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter had her first job at the age of 14 and needed to interact with her supervisors via email. At that time, we figured out that she doesn’t know how to write emails properly, and I trained her. For a couple of years, she asked me to look at the drafts of her emails for supervisors and teachers, and I provided comments. When she started college, she called me one day and thanked for teaching her how to write emails because she realized how many college students (her friends) don’t know how to do so, and she was teaching them.

This sort of work communication doesn't happen so much in service jobs though....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear Prof,

I have been working on these and other skills for years with my ADHD/ASD kid.

He will mess up, despite being explicitly taught these things. He's in contact with the disability office and has already asked you for his extended time.

He had high stats and is an academic, intellectual person, which is why your place of employment accepted him. Sorry, but he's always going to be an absent-minded professor type, and his brain is somewhere in the vicinity of Pluto most of the time.

And you know who it hurts most? Not you. HIM. He is destined to go through life with ADHD and ASD and all his social quirks. You've only got to suffer him for your class. He has to suffer himself for life.

Best regards,

Mom.

Even with issues, kids need to be doing their own laundry first thing every Saturday morning, or whatever routine schedule you decide. By college he shouldn’t even have to think about it. The routine must be well established, or it doesn’t work.

[Anonymous]

Professors are exhausting.

Sorry you have to teach in addition to your research nobody will ever read.

If they need to learn something, guess what.., you’re a teacher, teach them.

I think professors should have to work in the real world instead of being in their lame academia bubble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Prof,

I have been working on these and other skills for years with my ADHD/ASD kid.

He will mess up, despite being explicitly taught these things. He's in contact with the disability office and has already asked you for his extended time.

He had high stats and is an academic, intellectual person, which is why your place of employment accepted him. Sorry, but he's always going to be an absent-minded professor type, and his brain is somewhere in the vicinity of Pluto most of the time.

And you know who it hurts most? Not you. HIM. He is destined to go through life with ADHD and ASD and all his social quirks. You've only got to suffer him for your class. He has to suffer himself for life.

Best regards,

Mom.

Even with issues, kids need to be doing their own laundry first thing every Saturday morning, or whatever routine schedule you decide. By college he shouldn’t even have to think about it. The routine must be well established, or it doesn’t work.

Omg! Get a therapist OCD mom.

[Anonymous]

Don’t worry in 2 years ChatGPT will integrate with email and write fluffy BS emails to soothe your professor ego.

[Anonymous]

Exactly how does a parent “help”
a stinky college kid take a shower?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear Prof,

I have been working on these and other skills for years with my ADHD/ASD kid.

He will mess up, despite being explicitly taught these things. He's in contact with the disability office and has already asked you for his extended time.

He had high stats and is an academic, intellectual person, which is why your place of employment accepted him. Sorry, but he's always going to be an absent-minded professor type, and his brain is somewhere in the vicinity of Pluto most of the time.

And you know who it hurts most? Not you. HIM. He is destined to go through life with ADHD and ASD and all his social quirks. You've only got to suffer him for your class. He has to suffer himself for life.

Best regards,

Mom.

Oh FFS stop using their disabilities like a crutch. The professor is right and if your poor addled ADHD kids you have probably hovered over and made excuses for and bulldozed a path for over the years can’t meet basic expectations, you failed them.

dp.. obviously, people with ADHD have a harder time, but seriously, you cannot keep using this crutch into the workplace. Your boss won't care that you miss deadlines, and your coworkers won't care if you have adhd when you smell so badly no one wants to be in the conference room with you.

I often wonder what the plan is for all these SNs college grads. Do you steer them into becoming a CPA or actuary or computer programmer, etc. where they perhaps don't have to interact much with clients/customers? I mean the descriptions seem to indicate they have real problems functioning in the world.

No, my ADHD/anxiety/no EF kid got out of HS with a 3.5UW, went to a T100 school. Started as a premed/PT major and quickly learned that was not going to work. Had to learn how to go to all the extra session, talk to profs and decide when to drop the course for a W and figure out how to try and stay on track for their program. Then had to ultimately come to the self realization that the major/career path they desired might not work out for them, so had to deal with that and try to figure out what they wanted to major in. For my ADHD kid, this all came to a head in March of Freshman year when at 9pm the night before they needed to register for Fall sophomore year courses (10am registration slot). it was a 3+ hour phone call with them to let them vent and discuss and make "suggestions" and help them come and accept that their dream career wasn't going to happen---they just couldn't hack the science and memorization (medical field) and intensity of that---it's gut wrenching to have to help your kid come to that realization (they feel stupid and worthless when they've wanted to do this for years). So you talk to them and help them realize figure out the next steps.
Then since registration is at 10am, you help them map out what they need to do to switch majors and try to get into the courses they need for their new major (finance/business so they are a full year behind the intro courses and want to graduate in 4 years).

My kid was up, prepared and waiting at 7:55am for the first office to open at 8am. Got guidance from the "gatekeeper" for his original major for how to undeclared with them and then moved onto the business school "gatekeeper" and successfully registered for courses they needed at 10am.
It's was stressful but they did it.
It's a huge accomplishment when you are doing all of this all while feeling like your are worthless and "can't do anything right".
Notice, I didn't do any of it. I simply worked with my kid to make sure they knew everything they might need to do so they wouldn't get screwed up and not get classes.
Now my next kid, I have never had to do any of that, not since MS. They are self motivated, organized, no EF at all (probably have near photographic memory and extremely smart where everything comes easy to them). With them college is a different experience....there is not making sure they are on the right track or anything like that. They manage everything themselves...but they do not have ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t worry in 2 years ChatGPT will integrate with email and write fluffy BS emails to soothe your professor ego.

DP: It's not about ego, it's about preparing your kids for work--and it's not just email.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Exactly how does a parent “help”
a stinky college kid take a shower?

It’s too late now. But it would have been nice to teach a little hygiene when you were teaching other basic human skills like don’t steal & say “thank you.”

[Anonymous]

OP speaks for many many college instructors. One thing I could add is tell your kids not to ask “How many questions on the exam?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:College professor year. I've been a professor for 24 years and every year it's worse! Parents please try to nix these behaviors in your HS kids before they go to college AND teach them a few basic life skills. I promise spending some time on these will ensure your kid has a better experience in college and in life.

Behaviors to nix:
1. Asking a question instead of looking at the syllabus or, frankly, using google. I can't tell you how many times a lazy kid will ask me something in class that is on the syllabus, and/or I've said repeatedly in class, and/or has nothing to do with the class that they could easily figure out on their own. It all comes down to pure LAZINESS.

2. Give your kid consequences for bad behavior like being disrespectful, being late, talking during class, getting up and stomping out of the classroom, anything like that. These kids today are clearly being raised without consequence.

3. Have your kid practice sending you and email, with you being the professor. Make sure they know how to properly address the person. Make sure they know how to type full sentences and make their question clear.

I routinely get emails like this:

Yo, whats on the test and do I need to read the textbook please let me know right away.

Notice that they 1) don't identify what class they are referring to, they don't really have a question I can answer, and they clearly didn't spend much time thinking about or writing the email. I usually just ignore this or send a quick reply to refer to the syllabus.

4) Do NOT, and I mean do NOT, tell them that if they have an issue with a professor that they should call you (the parent) and let you (the parent) contact the professor. I don't care who you are, there's this law called FERPA which means I can't discuss your kid's academic record unless they are present and have given permission to do so. Furthermore, I like to treat your kid as an adult and you probably should too.

I could go on but I won't.

Now for essential life skills:

A. For god's sakes teach them how to do laundry and have basic pride in their personal cleanliness. I can't tell you how many times some kid walks into my office stinking to high heaven and wearing clothes that look like they haven't been washed for weeks. Now I would normally think perhaps they struggle financially but when they whip out their iphone 14 or 15 and talk to with me airpods in, it makes me think they probably can afford to do laundry. They just don't and/or they don't know how.

B. How to set an alarm clock. Every quarter some kid misses an exam because they slept in and then they get mad when I won't let them take a makeup exam.

C. Same thing with how to use a calendar and write down important dates.

D. Finally, tell them to take out their airpods and put their phone down when speaking to someone. It's really disrespectful when a kid comes to my office and won't even lift their head up from their phone.

You probably shouldn't be lobbing allegations of "disrespectful" with a post like yours. While I would agree with most, if not all, of what you say, it gets lost in the smug superiority of the tone. And the implication that kids have not dealt with many (not all) of the things listed above since . . . forever.

And, furthermore, I'd look at your own practices and policies. I've had professors do unbelievable cruel things to students. I've seem them be completely and utterly incompetent, as well as disorganized. Unless you're perfect, maybe show a little bit of respect and grace for the students and parents (esp of first years) who are dealing with an overwhelming, sometimes emotional, and expensive time in their lives. Some may be disrespectful. Others are just keeping their heads above water. Maybe recognize that.

OMG. This is the problem. People think their kids are fine.

Prof, I am curious - can you tell us roughly what type of institution you’re at?

I'm not the problem. My kid is in HS and communicating with adults all the time. Advocates for herself. And is the model for what this professor seems to want. So, cool it with your assumptions.

The Professor's OP was rude. And not all that helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:College professor year. I've been a professor for 24 years and every year it's worse! Parents please try to nix these behaviors in your HS kids before they go to college AND teach them a few basic life skills. I promise spending some time on these will ensure your kid has a better experience in college and in life.

Behaviors to nix:
1. Asking a question instead of looking at the syllabus or, frankly, using google. I can't tell you how many times a lazy kid will ask me something in class that is on the syllabus, and/or I've said repeatedly in class, and/or has nothing to do with the class that they could easily figure out on their own. It all comes down to pure LAZINESS.

2. Give your kid consequences for bad behavior like being disrespectful, being late, talking during class, getting up and stomping out of the classroom, anything like that. These kids today are clearly being raised without consequence.

3. Have your kid practice sending you and email, with you being the professor. Make sure they know how to properly address the person. Make sure they know how to type full sentences and make their question clear.

I routinely get emails like this:

Yo, whats on the test and do I need to read the textbook please let me know right away.

Notice that they 1) don't identify what class they are referring to, they don't really have a question I can answer, and they clearly didn't spend much time thinking about or writing the email. I usually just ignore this or send a quick reply to refer to the syllabus.

4) Do NOT, and I mean do NOT, tell them that if they have an issue with a professor that they should call you (the parent) and let you (the parent) contact the professor. I don't care who you are, there's this law called FERPA which means I can't discuss your kid's academic record unless they are present and have given permission to do so. Furthermore, I like to treat your kid as an adult and you probably should too.

I could go on but I won't.

Now for essential life skills:

A. For god's sakes teach them how to do laundry and have basic pride in their personal cleanliness. I can't tell you how many times some kid walks into my office stinking to high heaven and wearing clothes that look like they haven't been washed for weeks. Now I would normally think perhaps they struggle financially but when they whip out their iphone 14 or 15 and talk to with me airpods in, it makes me think they probably can afford to do laundry. They just don't and/or they don't know how.

B. How to set an alarm clock. Every quarter some kid misses an exam because they slept in and then they get mad when I won't let them take a makeup exam.

C. Same thing with how to use a calendar and write down important dates.

D. Finally, tell them to take out their airpods and put their phone down when speaking to someone. It's really disrespectful when a kid comes to my office and won't even lift their head up from their phone.

You probably shouldn't be lobbing allegations of "disrespectful" with a post like yours. While I would agree with most, if not all, of what you say, it gets lost in the smug superiority of the tone. And the implication that kids have not dealt with many (not all) of the things listed above since . . . forever.

And, furthermore, I'd look at your own practices and policies. I've had professors do unbelievable cruel things to students. I've seem them be completely and utterly incompetent, as well as disorganized. Unless you're perfect, maybe show a little bit of respect and grace for the students and parents (esp of first years) who are dealing with an overwhelming, sometimes emotional, and expensive time in their lives. Some may be disrespectful. Others are just keeping their heads above water. Maybe recognize that.

OMG. This is the problem. People think their kids are fine.

Prof, I am curious - can you tell us roughly what type of institution you’re at?

I'm not the problem. My kid is in HS and communicating with adults all the time. Advocates for herself. And is the model for what this professor seems to want. So, cool it with your assumptions.

The Professor's OP was rude. And not all that helpful.

Blame the messenger rather than admit you did an imperfect job of raising your impolite kid.