Strange comment

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I bet this MIL is the type who doesn't even acknowledge her DIL's birthday but gives him a ton of money. $1000 for a birthday gift that's a ton of money.



So?
Anonymous
My mom would 100% put my DH in his place if she gave me a generous cash birthday gift and he presumptuously announced it would be spent on something "boring" like bills or home repairs. I'd deposit the money into our joint account and maybe I'd treat myself to something I otherwise wouldn't (which DH would fully support) and maybe I'd pay bills with it, but all I'd say to my mom is THANK YOU.
Anonymous
Note to self - when giving birthday gifts to my son, take him out shopping instead of giving cash/check in front of his wife.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You got between her and her son for no good reason. Your comment was overstepping and rude.


How was it overstepping and getting between them? I'm married to the man this is something that benefits both of us. Most married couples share money especially large amounts like that. If anything she was getting in between our marriage by sticking her nose in a comment I made to my HUSBAND that wasn't hers to comment on


OP you are now making yourself sound like a full blown covert narcissist. You are still asserting full ownership and control over that which does not belong to you.
Anonymous
You definitely overstepped OP. That was a conversation to have with dh after your MIL left, not while he was receiving a present for his birthday.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You got between her and her son for no good reason. Your comment was overstepping and rude.


How was it overstepping and getting between them? I'm married to the man this is something that benefits both of us. Most married couples share money especially large amounts like that. If anything she was getting in between our marriage by sticking her nose in a comment I made to my HUSBAND that wasn't hers to comment on


OP you are now making yourself sound like a full blown covert narcissist. You are still asserting full ownership and control over that which does not belong to you.
She is the DIL from hell. I pray to god my boys don't marry a woman like this.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I also think your comment was rude. When my mom gives me money she always makes a big deal about me spending on myself. Now, I may use it for bills or household stuff, but I wouldn't say that to her face. I think you comment was rude in two ways: you announced what someone else would be doing with their birthday present and you dampened the joy of the gift giver who should be able to maintain the illusion that the recipient is spending the funds on something fun.


But isn't it not up to the giver what and who the receiver spends their money on?


Actually, no. It deoends on the giver's intent. And the receiver's.

Here, you were neither. You triooed yourself up with this response by admitting that what happens to the gift money is up tonthe receiver.

Which is all your MIL said.

Your lack of empathy amd understanding in the face of universal DCUM condemnation demonstrates reality distortion consistent with a personality disorder such as covert narcissiism.

The problem you have now is you let the mask drop in a very obvious way. You had probably gotten way too comfortable taking advantage of your husband's co dependency and got careless with your MIL because you heard the cash register ringing in the moment and just could not help yourself.

Now your stubborn refusal to admit fault and in fact doubling down proves you were not just having a bad day. We all have those, but nentally healthy people know when they were in the wrong and try to make things right.

Narcissists do not try to make things right. They double down even if that means trying to manipulate the codependent spouse into a conflict with another family member, as you are trying to do.

OP you need theraoy.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I understand why you are annoyed and I understand why MIL responded the way she did. Your comment was unnecessary and awkward in the moment. That could have been a private suggestion to your husband later on.

(And it should be left to him to decide how he wanted to use the money. If my parents give me money for my birthday, they would expect me to use it to treat myself to something nice/fun, not for household expenses. I could see them being upset if my husband made a comment like you did in front of them.)


If I'm going to make the comment to my husband what difference does it make if I wait 5 seconds or 5 hours later?


OP, it appears that you're not getting it. Forget about deciding what to do with the money. I'd equate this with MIL giving your DH a card with a check inside. As your DH opens the card, you start in with "MIL, Thank you SO SO much for the money. It is SO generous of you and I appreciate it so much."

Can you see how you saying even that can be rude to your MIL? and to your DH?

Of course you and DH can decide jointly what to do with the $$ and of course you both may have already decided. But you took the joy away from your MIL gifting something to her son. It's just decent protocol for your DH to comment - in front of MIL - about the $$. Whethe it's saying thank you or whether it's suggesting what to do with the $$.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP you are totally out of line. Also, wrong. Gifts from parents aren't marital property. Nor are inheritances if you were hoping to cash in some day.

You sound like your husband's affair partner who became his second wife.



Showing your overt greed is not a good look. You better be prepared to grovel to his MIL and make it look sincere to put things right. But she will likely never trust you. Nor should she. Your entitlement level is "11".


So a good relationship I had with MIL for years is shattered because of one comment?? That's not how family works.


If you refuse to ackowkedge and understand and accept that you were wrong, and why; if you then doubled down by trying to coerce your husband into a conflict with his mom, to try to extort an undeserved apology from her; and lord knows what else has been going on in this marriage to boot--how is that only "one comment"? You are right now in the process of trying to drive a wedge between your husband and his mom for no reason other than jealousy at his good fortune!

I don't believe DCUM is the first place you asked for advice, but none of your friends or real life relatives gave you the answer you wanted.

Your follow up post that this is only about a single comment you made is also classic gaslighting, minimization, and reality distortion.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I also think your comment was rude. When my mom gives me money she always makes a big deal about me spending on myself. Now, I may use it for bills or household stuff, but I wouldn't say that to her face. I think you comment was rude in two ways: you announced what someone else would be doing with their birthday present and you dampened the joy of the gift giver who should be able to maintain the illusion that the recipient is spending the funds on something fun.


But isn't it not up to the giver what and who the receiver spends their money on?


She didn’t say “you can’t spend it on the kitchen” or “you must spend it on x.” So why is this even a question?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I bet this MIL is the type who doesn't even acknowledge her DIL's birthday but gives him a ton of money. $1000 for a birthday gift that's a ton of money.


I bet this comment is from OP. Very much her style.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm glad your husband is backing you up, but I think you overstepped here. Your MIL may feel that your husband doesn't have enough say or that you are domineering, and you affirmed that when you announced when he would be doing with his birthday present. She was giving the cash in lieu of a physical gift, so that he could pick his own. And you basically announced it would go towards household expenses instead.


Why would my MIL get a say on that though? It isn't her business to have opinions on our marriage or to insert her opinion our marriage is between my husband and I not his mother, my husband, and I.


Of course she is entitled to have options on your marriage. And right now I would bet that her opinion isn't very positive.


No one is allowed to have say or opinions on someone else's marriage. A marriage is between 2 people last time I checked. Not between 2 people and their mommy. Or 2 people and their daddy. Or 2 people and their best friend.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Wow, these answers astound me. When my parents give me money, it goes into the joint account.


No. You make the choice to deposit gifts you receive from your parents into your joint account. .

You also have the choice not to do so.

Which is all that the MIL ever said.
Anonymous
I think OP is a troll. or 15 yrs old. I just don't want to believe an adult can't understand how inappropriate and rude her behavior was. And demand an apology from the MIL??? Oy. I really hope the husband is re-evaluating his life with this woman.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I bet this MIL is the type who doesn't even acknowledge her DIL's birthday but gives him a ton of money. $1000 for a birthday gift that's a ton of money.



So?


Because why do all you MILs not acknowledge your DILs when they are family and an extension of your son or talk about treating your son like gold and taking him shopping and not including your DIL in her birthday? Thank god my MIL includes me and treats us equal.
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