Transactional Relationships
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Anonymous
| DH and I have a pretty good relationship. We contribute equally (based on our own system) to household chores and taking care of the kids. We both have demanding jobs. Sometimes, when I have to travel for work or other reasons, I feel like I have to make it up to him because he was manning the ship by himself. So I’ll usually plan a nice dinner out or some other activity. I recently told a friend this and she said it all seemed so transactional. Its his duty as a father/husband to step up like this on occasion—- there’s no need to make it up to him or vice versa. I obviously don’t agree with her that this seems transactional. I just want to show appreciation. Am I right? |
Anonymous
| Who cares? This problem is boring. |
Anonymous
| I think it's nice to do something to recognize that the non-traveling spouse has been handling the home stuff on their own. Work travel can suck too depending but it's also a break from the kids that the non-traveling spouse doesn't get. |
Anonymous
| It is nice. It’s not typical to hear about nice and normal relationships on this board. Can we focus on your friend instead??! |
Anonymous
| My husband used to call me usually at the worst time to talk about how great his trip was. GAH!!! |
Anonymous
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You said you already disagreed with your friend’s idea.
Now you want validation of your position from strangers. Right? |
Anonymous
And now? |
Anonymous
| The question is whether your spouse expects this nice dinner or whatever for staying home alone with the kids. If that’s the case, then yes, there is a transactional element to your relationship. |
Anonymous
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Does he give you a nice dinner after he travels/works more hours and you are home "manning the ship"?
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Anonymous
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Your friend is so wrong.
Married 23 years here. My spouse and I express appreciation to one another and work as a team, often tag team. We will often do something considerate for the other one when one of us has been pulling more weight on the home front with the kids, house, etc. We both work and we both juggle things. If he did a morning school run and a dentist appointment--I'm picking up the keys and doing the late soccer run without being asked. One of us will have a glass of wine waiting or a favorite treat, etc. OP--you are normal. You describe a very healthy marriage where people acknowledge one another. |
Anonymous
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I don't think you are wrong. My relationship with DH is similar to yours. In this case, ignore your friend and continue doing what has been working for you.
Note that you friend is not necessarily wrong either. Her relationship is just different than yours and that is OK. |
Anonymous
| My work travel is usually to the developing world and requires 16+ hour flights in suboptimal conditions and long working days. It still unquestionably has more opportunities to relax than solo parenting two young kids, so I’m absolutely grateful to my spouse for holding down the fort when I’m gone and will try to step up to give him a break when I return. |
Anonymous
| Your friend doesn't understand what 'transactional relationship' means. |
Anonymous
+1. |
Anonymous
+1000 |